Hello all,

Well I figured it might be time to open up and talk about what is going on in my life right now and what caused my to completely break down. It is a long story, so I will try to divulge the info in small bits...

I always knew I had some odd traits and mental issues, but I always thought that it was "just me" and I would just have to try my best to make it through life. I've never been one to ask for help or see a doctor (actually these are things I have always avoided). But something happened in my life that made me completely stop functioning in the outside world.

This summer, my daughter was diagnosed with a rare incurable terminal disease and was given a 6-month prognosis. This event made all of my mental issues multiply to a point that jeopardized my entire family. I pretty much went through 24/7 anxiety attacks (when my body finally broke through one, I would just collapse and become unresponsive to my surroundings). I just stopped going to work, didn't call in or let them know. I broke of all ties with friends (I develop a lot of "superficial friendships" that I think most of you can relate with). I permanently avoided the phone. I stopped leaving the house. I was only happy being home and playing with my kids.

I know that anyone would have serious issues after receiving such devastating news, but I was honestly mentally shattered. A lot has happened since the summer (and my daughter's life expectancy has improved, but the eventual outcome remains). I have since (thanks to my wife) been able to see a doctor, psychologist, and psychiatrist.

I have a need to "fix myself" so that I can provide the best support possible to my little princess. I am in a somewhat better state of mind right now, but I am on a long journey of self discovery. My pshychologist made me take an ADD/ADHD test (amongst a host of others... does anyone else have a hard time with these tests like I do?) and I think the results are probably obvious.

Here I am, and I also feel like I have a new child in my family... my ADD. Controlling my thoughts and actions may feel similar to raising a child with ADD. I need to talk to myself out loud and explain things to myself (like dirty laundry goes in the hamper, etc...) whenever I actually manage to catch myself in the act (a child can misbehave a lot when you are not paying attention).

Anyways, I wanted to keep it short, so I guess that is an intro. I have already wandered off several times while trying to post this, so I should probably click "Submit" and get the job done.

Welcome to the world of Adult ADHD. All too often a person finds themselves suddenly overwhelmed only to discover that they have had ADHD all of their life and it is just now coming to the surface.

I am so very sorry to hear of your daughter's illness. It took the loss of a friendship and the death of both of my parents in a short time to make it obvious to me.

In any case, welcome to the forums , I think you will find many a kindred spirit here.

Me :D

Thanks for the welcome speedo! I have read many of your posts, but it will take a while for me to connect names with experiences (I'm sure we can all relate to that). But I know you are a major contributor on this board, so I already consider you part of my support group.

I have to drop the "H" from my ADD. As a matter of fact, it is quite the opposite. My brain feels hyperactive, but I outwardly I would appear very mellow. I am an introvert and cannot vocalize my thoughts very well. I can socialize and people see me as a nice happy person, but that is because I purposefully keep my conversations very shallow. This is even true with the relationships with my family.

My ADD traits are worsening now, and I am having to make a constant effort to battle them. I believe the reason is that I am on anxiety meds (benz) to keep myself under control. But I score highly in two "flavors" (not a good term - sorry, I am still learning) of ADD. I normally live in a high degree of the "inattentive" flavor. However, "my world" is a world of mathematical systems. When presented with challenging math, puzzles, or problems, I believe I get heavily stimulated and "flip" into the "overfocused" mode. In this mode, I go non-stop (high speed) until completion of the problem. I will get very annoyed if anything attempts to interrupt or prevent me from finishing the task at hand.

Since the beginning of my anxiety treatment/medication, I have found it very difficult to flip into "my world". I can stop a puzzle before completion, get distracted from it, or even throw it away (I typically hoard this stuff). But this is a trait that has also helped me considerably in life. I got an entry level job in a company that writes software. Within months, I learned many programming languages (never touched the subject matter before, but code read much easier to me than English!) in a matter of months. Got promoted to software engineer without a single college class in the subject matter (failed out of Mech. Eng. due to my nature).

So my anxiety is mostly gone, but at a price. I think the issue may be that I was presented with a problem (my daughter's diagnosis) that I could not solve, and it got the best of me.

Ya ever seen the movie "Pi" or "A Beautiful Mind"? The main characters in those movies had some additional issues, but that is how I obsess in my world of math. I like "my world" because it is mostly black and white (defined). I don't like the "real world" (life) because there is no black and white... just gray matter. "Life" is the chaos in a universe that is usually defined by such simple rules.

Cut - I am rambling now...

See ya around!

I totally understand what you are talking about as far as the flipping from inattentive mode to (what the docs call) hyperfocus mode. It's an intensely pleasurable sensation when your brain, which is usually popping and bumbling around, to go to that "place" in which everything is laser-focused. It just feels good. Like you, I get intensely irritated when I have to force myself to "pull away" from that place (especially if it is to attend to a mundane task I'd rather not deal with, like washing dishes, laundry, etc.) Unlike you, I tend to go into that "place" when reading something interesting or when researching something that interests me.

It's like a dog with a bone -- better leave it alone! :) This is a relatively common phenomenon with ADDers. The content of the interesting subject matter or activity is different for everyone, but that blissful place of concentration is pretty global. That's why ADD is better understood as a disorder not of attention deficit (which is why the name irritates me) but of attention dysregulation.

Here's a great term for you -- "impotence of the mind." That's one of the rather descriptive words I found for people who can't tolerate what they find boring (like we do). I prefer to think of the ADD mind as a different kind of vehicle altogether. The "normal" mind is like a regular car. It runs on regular 87 gas, kind of putters around, hits a good speed but not a remarkable speed, and is relatively easy to diagnose and fix.

The ADD mind is like a high quality sports car. They are expensive, a pain in the butt in upkeep, cost a lot just to keep running, and hate going in town and in traffic at a slow, "putter" speed. They excel when they can do what they were created to do -- not go 25 miles an hour in traffic -- but to HUM at high speeds. That's what our minds are like when we get to do what we love -- what, I think, we were created to do!