Well, a week ago my long term partner left me. One of the things she said was that she couldn't handle my ADD. I must admit i'm really hurt by this. I've been by her side through so much, and put up with so much from her. But i feel that when i've needed support i've been left by myself.
I don't really know that there is any advice that can help, i just feel so abandoned and alone now. I'm trying to sort getting treatment for various stuff, and had so hoped to have someone to lean on a little, even if only in the sense of to give me a hug and reassure me that i'm loved.
Is it common for non-ADD partners to be like this? It doesn't help that i tried explaining the way ADD effects me and she kept saying stuff that basically meant i was using ADD as an excuse, almost as if i could fix this if i just pulled my socks up!
Is this the experience many people have? I'm worried that i'll always get this reaction. I've given up hoping that one day my ex will understand me, so i guess i need to draw a line under this one and take time out to heal.
But i'm also thinking that at some point i may want somebody again, but i can't handle feeling put down and like i'm just this silly person who's too lazy and off with the fairies to handle day to day life. It's not that i dont try, i do, really hard, but then i still always fail, and feel even more crap about myself.
Sorry, i'm rambling, so basically, do you guys think i should just forget about being with anyone and learn to accept being alone? Or do you think that it can happen?

I'm sorry for your heart break, that is really sad to have someone you love leave.

Was this a long time in coming, or sudden?

Were there other issues?

Would she consider this a seperation and do couples counseling, in hopes that maybe you two could work things out, get back together?

Well, things have been bad for a long time. I only figured out this ADD business in December, before then i'd be doing, or not doing the stuff that made her angry at me, and i really wouldn't mean to be upsetting her, but she always had such a go at me for it.
Since the summer she has been leaving me and coming back as a cycle. But it's gotten to the point this time where i've had to say enough is enough. She does have her own issues to deal with i must say, so i can see why its hard for her. I just can't let anyone make me feel bad for being like i am anymore and i know she could never understand how i am.
She is a good person, and i do love her very much. I just know i can't cope with more of this.
Thankyou for replying:)

Having ADD does not mean living a life without love. While many here have relationship issues not all do, some are happily married, happily dating, or happily being friends.

I think it's wonderful that you accept yourself for who you are. I'm sure you will meet others who will like you for you, as well.

Thats a really nice thing to say hun, thankyou! xx

ChloeDarma,

I think ADD can take a toll on any relationship after awhile. It has definetely affected my marriage. My husband, although I have supported him through many problems, has pretty much had it with my ADD. I just started taking medication for it, never really admitting or taking action to change it for a really long time, it's been a problem in my life for many years. I guess to somebody that doesn't have ADD, we may appear lazy. It's hard for somebody that isn't experiencing it for themselves to understand. That is why these forums are so wonderful...finally people that we can relate too!

I know that it is very hard not to get down on yourself when you have ADD, but try to remember how important you really are in this world. Even if things seem hard now, in time they will get better and you will find somebody that is willing to stick with you while you work on this.

Best of luck to you! :)
Melissa - Laurenceann

my add is also affecting my marriage. my husband calls me passive-aggressive, because he says i deliberately "forget" things or don't do them right. he seems to keep forgetting that i have add. this leads to some major blow-ups. sometimes i just want to leave. i have really had it with his nonsense.

Well, a week ago my long term partner left me. One of the things she said was that she couldn't handle my ADD. I must admit i'm really hurt by this. I've been by her side through so much, and put up with so much from her. But i feel that when i've needed support i've been left by myself.
I don't really know that there is any advice that can help, i just feel so abandoned and alone now. I'm trying to sort getting treatment for various stuff, and had so hoped to have someone to lean on a little, even if only in the sense of to give me a hug and reassure me that i'm loved.
Is it common for non-ADD partners to be like this? It doesn't help that i tried explaining the way ADD effects me and she kept saying stuff that basically meant i was using ADD as an excuse, almost as if i could fix this if i just pulled my socks up!
Is this the experience many people have? I'm worried that i'll always get this reaction. I've given up hoping that one day my ex will understand me, so i guess i need to draw a line under this one and take time out to heal.
But i'm also thinking that at some point i may want somebody again, but i can't handle feeling put down and like i'm just this silly person who's too lazy and off with the fairies to handle day to day life. It's not that i dont try, i do, really hard, but then i still always fail, and feel even more crap about myself.
Sorry, i'm rambling, so basically, do you guys think i should just forget about being with anyone and learn to accept being alone? Or do you think that it can happen?
I know exactly how you feel. I'm going through pretty much the exact same thing myself. My wife of 4 years left me three weeks ago (December 28th, merry Christmas indeed). The reason boiled down to her being unhappy, me "annoying" her, and her wanting more. But not being willing to go to counseling.

I'm not going to hijack your thread to talk about my problems, though. I just wanted to let you know that there are other people going through the same thing you are.

As far as answers go, I'm probably not the best person to provide any. I'm still raw and bleeding from my own heartbreak. However, one piece of advice I have; be your own person. I have now wasted 6 years of my life on trying to make my wife happy and falling short constantly. And I am tired of not being good enough. Because I bloody well am good enough. And you are too. This breakup isn't about you. It's about your ex. He wasn't happy, so he left. That's all it boils down to.

And there are other people out there. People who will mesh better with you. Just take your time, and be yourself. If you are yourself from the get-go, you'll have two advantages; you'll be more confident, not having to hide who you really are, and anyone you attract will like you for who you really are.

Believe me, I know how hard this is. But it's like anything; life moves on. It may take some time, but things will get better, and the pain will fade.

One thing I am trying to practice and something that (althought it hurts like hell) will help.

Practice "detachment" often and always put "emptiness" to work for you. It will do you a world of good and help for future decision making. Plus... emotions? What emotions?? ;)

Keep your head up.

I'm sorry to hear that you're heartbroken and I sincerely hope you find someone who'll stand by you.....thats coming from a serial single girl...lol

Shamalama:

New to this site but wanted to share some of my thoughts. I am a non-ADD spouse who's wife was diagnosed with ADD a little over years ago. We have no children and have been married for twenty years. There has been a constant frustration throughout our marriage because I have felt the couple responsibility balance was never there. I always felt that marriage was 60/40 sometimes one spouse picks-up the slack for the other due to work responsibilities, life issues, social involvements, etc. Never believed it was going to be 50/50. However, in our marriage it was more like 80/ 20 most of the time. That care wear thin after many years. We built our house 10 years ago and prior to that heard all the excuse about why she didn't put her things away, cleaned the kitchen, etc. I was told once we have the house the counters will be clean because I'll have a place to store everything. Not the case. Her closet looks like a kid's closet with clothes on the floor, in total disarray. Her response ober the years ... don't look at it or put a door up. The kitchen rarely is cleaned or clutter free. Dishes pile up, roasters and/or pans left out on the counter or stove dirty and not even soaking at times for days. I've gone full circle .... doing it all, letting it go like her and now where I'm at .... I wash all my things; plates, pans, roasters and put them in the dishwasher and leave her things out. How I've felt over the years, I'm become upset if she says she's going to do it and didn't. Gotten upset if I did it all because she was going to do it. Either way ... I lose. My wife's outlets or obsessions .... T.V and the computer. A typical weekend is me working outside (we have an acre and a half) maintaining the landscape while she reads the SUnday paper, watches T.V. takes a nap on the couch or is on the computer. I come in and make lunch for her and I ..... she rarely does. And at dinner time, she may be on the computer or sleeping on the couch so I make dinner for both of us. She does work 1/2 a day on Saturday and when she comes home (no matter what I'm up to around the house) I have a meal ready for her. I've heard her say "I forgot" too many times to mention.
Before she was diagnosed with ADD, I knew sometime was going on but when I tried to discuss the matter with her .... it was to no avail. She didn't get it. In addition, she has had a few substantial medical issues during our marriage .... she had lymphoma (she has been cancer free for about 9 years) Barr Epstein virus (like mono - the kissing sickness), has Asthma and numerous allergies.
I withdrew emotionally and affectionately about 7 years ago. I am an very affectionate, romantic and emotional individual/partner. This was very much contrary to who I was. However, I felt that I was not getting what I wanted and when I discussed it with her ...... nothing changed and she didn't try to work through it. Our sex life was nil and when I asked her after 3 or 4 months if she missed it was told "she didn't think about it". My competetion in the romance side was the T.V. Many times I wanted to put me fist through the screen. When we did make love .... she was never really there. I'm a hugger, kisser, snuggler and love the emotional connection realized prior to, during and after lovemaking. But that was not her M.O.
I thought about divorce many times and wound up about 5 years ago involved in another relationship. How it felt with this other person (emotionally and connection-wsie) I wanted so much to have with my wife. I did not go out and look for it and never thought in my wildness dreams I would have an affair. Many of my college buds told me of all the people they knew from college, they never thought that I would be the one to have an affair. About 2 years into the affair my wife was diagosed with ADD with which put a real cringle in the situation. I read all I could about ADD we finally went to counseling and I eventually ended the affair. I never want to hurt my wife but for the first time really treasured the closeness and connection felt from this other person. Are things great on the marriage front ..... no. I'm still sleeping in a separate room, the house is messy, promises are made and rarely followed through on, we tolerate each other, I'm still doing the bulk of everything. AM I resentful ... many times yes. It's difficult on both our parts to see into each other (the non-ADD mind and the ADD mind). I don't get it many times why things can't get done when she says she'll do it and procrastinate throughout the day and do other things. I suggest that she "tackle" the job/chore first to get it done and then go do her "fun" things. But it rarely happens. She's been on summer break from school for three weeks and has anything gotten done around the house .... no. Has supper been made when I arrived home ... no! I tell her that all I want her to do is just give me 1-2 hours out of the day to get somethings done but it doesn;t happen. My wife makes list and has little "cheat" or strategies to stay on top of work things or things that mater to her but the stuff that matters or is important to me .... she doesn't use the same approach.
I've probably been rambling for way to long but wanted to provide some insight from the eyes of the non-ADD partner. I will try to answer questions or provide additional information to anyone that responds to this e:mail. Thanks!

Okay...I'm reading this thread thinking...why get married to someone who is just the opposite of you? don't you date for a while(year or more) before getting married? I don't get it. I REALIZE all marriages are tough, but some of the stuff Shamus mentioned seems like it could have been avoided(by not getting married in the first place!). Didn't you realize your wife was messy(I know there is other stuff going on), etc, before marriage, and it would bother you?! I think people believe they can change people when they get married. Not the case. A LOT more people need to stay single. The problem with our society is that if your not married at a certain age(usually around 40 or earlier) you are looked upon as a little odd, or something might be wrong with you. Sorry to come off as harsh, but I'm tired of hearing everyone complain about relationship issues/problems(believe me I have had my share of them, and ALL of them were due to being afraid of being alone!). Oh yeah, how do you have an affair for 2 years, while being still married!?!? that is some crazy stuff. Sorry to say this, but you should have been divorced a while ago. When you have an affair, that just proves my point of people not being able to handle things alone, always have to have someone, believing this other person will fill your "void" that you have...BS! The problem is not the other person, it is you! The bottom line is most people shouldn't be getting married in the first place. I'm possibly one of those people who might not get married. The older I get the more comfotable I am with this fact. I suggest some spirtuality in people's lives, it will help.

Story of my life... I try to improve things by adding a bit of comic relief. Ex wife jokes are GREAT! I only make them about my first ex though (the anti-christ). Second one couldn't handle the ADD but she's a decent person.

Anyway... Where was I? Oh yes, has anyone seen my liver?

I think in some ways people with ADD and their unmodulated, un-toned down experience of emotion in all it's intense wonderful glory makes us lucky.

If you can love all the way, full throttle, to the bone all out then what's the point in loving at all? Of course the depths of despair are more intense for us too.... That kinda sucks.

Anyway... Where was I? Oh yes, has anyone seen my liver?


LOL !!

Has it been missing for long, E ?
Maybe it's under the couch...

That's where my 'mind' was, the last time I lost it... (0:
Under the couch, next to the TV remote control.


Nova

what mind>>eheheh>> ref me lol .....dorm

I think in some ways people with ADD and their unmodulated, un-toned down experience of emotion in all it's intense wonderful glory makes us lucky.

If you can love all the way, full throttle, to the bone all out then what's the point in loving at all? Of course the depths of despair are more intense for us too.... That kinda sucks.


That's supposed to be "...CAN'T..."

LOL !!

Has it been missing for long, E ?
Maybe it's under the couch...

That's where my 'mind' was, the last time I lost it... (0:
Under the couch, next to the TV remote control.


Nova

It was in the liquor cabinet.... Color me embarrassed. :o

Anyway... Where was I? Oh yes, has anyone seen my liver?I have not seen it, but I have this theory it ran off with my behind...have you seen that running by, perchance?

Here, take this map and flashlight, but you have to use your own 2 hands, 'k?
88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 888888888888888888888888888888

OP I feel for you. Its rough to be us and on the other foot, I believe its rough to be them too. In many ways they really are on the outside looking in and well, what they are able to see makes no sense given the framework they live in.

Sometimes I feel like my hubby is destroying my ADD! :soapbox:

Feel free to vent here, many of us care and understand, even when we threadcrap and go off on tangents. Its all part of the process for so many of us. I hope you smile today, I am sending you one of mine to wear if yours won't come.

:-) Crazy

I know where my liver and mind are, I just can't find anything else.:D

Thanks to everyone that replied and sent good wishes. Well my initial post was some time ago now and there was some more upheaval since then. However my attitude towards my ADD is different. I've managed to understand alot more about myself and to recognise my good bits as well as my bad.
Maybe having ADD gives me faults, but along with those faults i have a hell of alot of good points too. I did used to be scared of being alone, especially after my mother died a little over 5 years ago now. But This year i had a period of a good few months with no phone, minimum telly and no net at home so i did alot of thinking and reading. I started to reconnect with myself and suddenly for the first time in years (basically since before my mums death) i realised i was comfortable with living by myself. That was a turning point for me and i gained alot of strength from that. My flat is still a mess, and i forget EVERYTHING and get in trouble wioth benefits and so on, but i'm still quite happy despite all that. I don't beat myself up for it all anymore.
Thanks again all who replied :)

I can relate to the dishes and everything else... the problem with me is that I think my wife is undxed as well. Our life is a shambles. We can't keep anything clean... we do laundry when we need clothes, Our clothes when clean stay in the basket in front of the dryer. We run the dishwasher when we run out of clean dishes... we take out the trash not when its full but when we have no flat surfaces left to pile the trash up.

I think this is a disorder called cluttering... Which would make my wife and I both clutterers. Actually this is what prompted me to search for "What was wrong with us". We both love each other very much and we get along very well... but we are both frustrated by garbage and we both hate dealing with bills. We are in severe credit card debt but have, in the last year, implimented a plan that seems to be working better.

The only way we get by is through communication. We talk about objectionable thoughts. Not when we have them... but when we feel connected. I wait to talk about her recent moodiness until she is happy... She asks me right away what is wrong... and I tell her when I figure it out, I'll let her know. Most of the time I don't know anything's wrong... unless she asks me about my behavior... If I realize something is wrong then I'll dig to figure it out and then let her know. I guess I'm truly blessed to have someone that understands me.

All hail cameron! His bitter antidote has solved all our problems! He is our savior, and in his pitiful flesh we will all now put our faith!
Chloe and Shamus, i apologize for his arrogance which is has neither helped nor encouraged you.
His breed of "spirituality" seems small, indeed. Anyone who tries to tell you what to do with your love, is pathetic.
Relationships are diffcult. All are difficult. And who you chose to love and why, is your own decision to make.
Jaded responses disguised as wisdom only serve to make things even more difficult than they already are.
What he said about being alone, is true. Who you are alone, is who you are. You must be willing to accept that. But losing a love is devastating, no matter how self-assured you may be.
ADD has ruined a number of great relationships for me, and one in particular that has left me a truly broken individual. It is hard for people without ADD to understand it. How can we understand anyone's issues? We can try, and we can try to love. And that's about it. Don't think that ADD means that you must now resign yourself to a loveless life. It may push you in a new direction, a better one. One that will better you and improve you. Had my last relationship not ended in the awful manner in which it did, I would not even be facing my ADD and seeking help. I have embraced independence and I am working through a myriad of issues...including heatbreak. It blows, does it not?
You must be progressive!
Cameron, your "void" is overwhelming. Keep up all the great love advice!XOXOX!

ruinwake, since I do try to follow buddhist principles(which btw are very hard to do, but I'm trying my best), I will refrain from getting into a argument, internet "shouting match" with you(believe me, in the past I would have). You disagree with what I said, that is your opnion, and that's fine. Everyone thinks and deals with things differently. Sorry if I came off sounding harsh.

chloedarma glad you are doing better...

ADD and relationships can really make life hard work.

Keep your head up.