My boy... I love him dearly but I think he's got some emotional issues.

There are times when I refuse to give him what he wants and he just freaks out, gets literally hysterical. No reasoning with him, no punishing him, no threatening him. No controlling him. And NO calming him unless I give him his way.

But I flat out refuse to reward that behaviour by giving him his way or indulging his hysteria.

But its BLOODY TIRING putting up with listening to an hour's worth of freaking out, crying, and passive aggressive attempts to make me lose my temper!

And I'm running out of nonviolent punishments to give him!!!!!

GRRRRRRRRR

Paul...all I can think of is cherish...cherish....the good times and moments....when the two of you are together and he's not in an outburst....showing him how much he is loved....

What does your wife think about this? Is he like this with her?

How old is your child?

He's 11.

He's not like this with the wife. But he drives her bananas in other ways... she refuses to punish or discipline him when he gets upset, she just comforts and comforts him and tries to calm him down without giving him his way... but he controls her because he throws such a huge tantrum that half the time she gives in to him, and in day to day life she often gives into him merely for fear that he will have a tantrum if she does not...

I find that completely unacceptable...

Originally posted by waywardclam

she refuses to punish or discipline him when he gets upset, she just comforts and comforts him and tries to calm him down without giving him his way... but he controls her because he throws such a huge tantrum that half the time she gives in to him, and in day to day life she often gives into him merely for fear that he will have a tantrum if she does not...

I find that completely unacceptable...

Hi Paul

I see your dilema. We have an autistic son and autistic kids are very controlling and dominating. Basically, turn your back and he's taken over the house, your life etc. Matt tends to get over obsessive over me and tries to not let anyone else come near me because I 'belong' to him.

The only way we have been able to deal with this is to take a united front - basically, use the same disciplinary approaches, don't reward negative behaviour - don't comfort him - tell him to get over it (sometimes I find that hard but it works). Then he'll realise (eventually) that he's not the one in charge and that he has to take responsibility for his behaviour.

Goodluck. Maybe when he's calm you can have a chat to him and tell him how his behaviour makes you feel (like if it makes you not want to spend time with him then tell him. Sometimes being totally honest is the best way to get the message through). I've told my daughter that when she constantly complains and argues with me, I'd rather not spend time with her. It made her think about what she wanted - to whinge and complain at me or spend some quality time together.

You have to not undermine each other, she can't "give in" but you have to be very careful about not drawing ines in the sand that DON'T HAVE to be there.

that is very hard as well.

Thanks for the insights... those make a lot of sense to me... will discuss them with the wife...

hey I know that this is the parent section and I'm a teen but I think I can maybe help. I have add and I have a temper problem, and many times when I loose control over some thing it's not just the topic at hand that has me so up set. it's like putting a cup under a running fauset. it starts filling up and it seems fine for a while but it will enventually start over flowing. and it will keep over flowing untill you turn off the fauset and empty out the cup.
the thing that sets your son off might be small, but when you add it to all the other small things it becomes bigger. some times you just need to "shut off the fauset" (which is what ever is upsetting him) and then just let him go on untill he has emptied him self out. and don't try to give your oppinion because it just like turninng the fauset back on. just hear him out no matter how hard it might be for you. it is one of the best things you can do for him. and try to understand that there is a lot of "water" underneath what was just added. I hope you get what I'm trying to say. I wish my parents would get it.

You have to be objective (nearly impossible, I know) about it. What are the motives behind the behavior. Is it 100% manipulative? I doubt it, but the percentage is probably pretty high. At 11, something about that behavio(u)r is "working" for him. Some need is being met. If your wife is overindulging him, you can't balance it out by doling out punishments (violent or not).

The united front is key here. If you can't manage that, you could try swapping good cop/bad cop roles. It is a long shot and probably won't fix the problem, but it may throw him off enough to get to the root of the problem. Your wife may agree to it just to get to see you be the "good" guy. Is it ethical, mind f-ing your kid? The line is blurry, I say. ;) The goal is to help him, not hurt him. This is pretty much a one-shot deal. Not a long term fix.

I do have extensive experience helping adolescent boys. DH & I ran a group home for a national orgnization (which shall remain nameless) for years and I learned lots of things to help. PM me if you want more info. or ideas.

Originally posted by FlakeyGirl
Is it ethical, mind f-ing your kid? The line is blurry, I say. ;)

ROTFLMAO! I may need to call you when my kids hit their teens. Unless it's already possible to mind-f my 3 and 5-y.o. boys now.
Judging from the unpleasant scene we had at the library this morning, I think I could justify almost anything! :rolleyes:

Hi,

Have you found anything succesful that helps yet? I have a 6 yr old adhd girl and im in the same boat. She is compeletely defiant at home and its driving me crazy.. I can only count to a million so many times :confused: :)

Hugs WC been there, done that, still living the nightmare. My daughter is especially bad as she will run to daddy and bat her pretty blues at him and get what she want's or she will threaten to tell her daddy on me lmfao I just remind her that daddy has NEVER made a decision without first asking my permission because I'm EVIL (say it with a growl, scares the heck outta them). Or I just remind her politly that I too am female and know all the tear games and she can go practice on someone else cause I"m not interested.

hehehe after reading what I typed I realized I am a mean mommy lol no wonder she call's me poopy head.

My grandson has been doing poorly in school. Behind in reading and language . He is 6 and a half. He is fidgeted, wont listen. Follow directions and sit for very long. He has a hard time concentrating. My daughter had him tested for a learning disability but now we believe he has Adhd. He hasnt been diagnozed but when they had the school meeting with my daughter and said he was smart enough just wasnt mature and listening. He is a sweet child but just really hyper and sometimes he will get angry and throw a fit. He cant sit still to learn. He does okay in math and everything else except handwriting and the other things I mentioned.
I think the teacher is getting aggravated with him. His behavior is slowly getting worse. We worry so much about this. My daughter is a single mom but the father sees him mostly on weekends. He has add. He went to the herbal store and got something called Natures cure, pedia- something. It is supposed to be for hyperactivity and mental ability. I am afraid he has jumped the gun and is giving him something before we have talked to a doctor. I want to help him and I have been trying to give him frequent breaks when he does his homework and getting trying to get his attention to focus. Does anyone know anything about herbal rememdies. Can they be harmful. I have been doing research and we plan on taking him to the doctor. I really don't like the idea of him being on a drug so this herb might be a better idea. I am confused. Any advise.

also I didnt mention in above message but we have started limiting his sugar and caffeine and choc. intake. Just started today with both the herb and the diet.

I have found that the book called Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate is exceptionally good - It explained alot of things to me that made sense. Try and read it and give some feedback on your thoughts.

anita phil

Thanks, I will try to find the book and read it. Yesterday my grandson was very hyper. His mother said he seemed better over the weekend but I think he feels he can get away with more with me. I have been trying to be firmer but I always expected to one day get to be the good guy. Now it seems I have to try being tougher because he is with me so much each day. Also I am getting older and its harder and harder to keep up.

Hope you have room in your boat, my 7 yrADHD son is the SAME way. I think they are letting them watch DR. Phil at daycare. I have been called an "uncaring mother" and "how could you do that to me...your son, don't you love me!!!
AND he is ONLY 7 !!:rolleyes: