my bf has ADD and i am not sure which issues affecting our relationship are because of his ADD and which ones are just because of who he is. we are in a long distance relationship right now, i remember he used to be a very loving caring and good bf. but lately he's been such an *******.

he came to my apartment and we were going to live together after talking about this for 2 years. but after one week he moved out. ever since then, he has broken up with me once, then called back and said he missed me and loved me. but i really feel like i am dating dr. jekyll and mr. hyde.

he never calls me, never IM's me, never writes e-mails to me anymore, even though he used to at the beginning of our relationship. he's never loving or caring anymore. he never listens to me when i talk, it's like he's never there, and he never talks to me, he never really did in the beginning either. he says he'll visit me for sex but he wont visit me to just see me unless he "has time".

he is depressed alot and even though i have always been there for him, when i asked him if he was just with me because he's depressed and wants someone there he said "i dont know". i know he used his ex-gf this way, and i think mabe he is treating me this way.

sometimes he says i love you, and seems to think that we will be together forever and that i will always be there for him, and other times he is completely cold and uncaring, and is annoyed by me.

the more attention i give him the less he seems to like me. he says he is unstable and refuses to seek medication or anything. he never listens to the career advice i give him.

he changes his mind so often, and spends money impulsively and then asks me to pay him back for buying me dinner.

last night i finally told him, "dont ever talk to me again."

but i am still trying to understand the situation. what's up with this? is he a jerk? or am i just a fool for having been with him? we are both 24 btw.

i used to think a lot of it might be my fault because i used to fight with my family and couldnt get along with lots of people, but now i rarely lose my temper and i rarely fight with the people i love.

but i still fight constantly like every other day with him! is it him or me? i do not know anymore, but i am walking away because enough is enough.

he says the meanest things to me which he never used to say. like he tells me i am fat or kind of weird, that i'll just end up getting hurt in the end if i stay with him, or that he doesnt like fat girls, or that i'm too smart for him. wtf. im not even a little bit overweight. he says things like he doesnt like piggy girls because i like to eat a lot and i enjoy eating. but truth to tell u, he is the fat one but he says guys are allowed to be overweight. here i am 5'3 and 115 lbs....and he is like 260.....he says lots of things that hurt my feelings all the time and i hate him for it.

he does not give me enough time, attention, and he's never there when i need him anymore. he used to give me time and attention in the beginning. he spends lots of time alone just playing video games, and he wont give up smoking even though he promised he would.

he makes all these plans and then keeps changing his mind.

he says he loves me sometimes but i dont feel like he cares. i feel unwanted.

i need advice.

Whoa - that sounds really intense. I got this book called ADD & Romance by Jonathon Scott Halverstadt which goes through the kinds of problems in a relationship when one partner has ADD. It might help you put your finger on the heart of the problem so that it doesn't feel like an overwhelming mess of bad feelings.

Well im certanly not going to give any advise other than to

Welcome you to the forums and tell you you will find lots of support here.

Something I have learned and it took me a long time to learn it but it might be relevant here.

I can not control the way people think or act !

I can only control how I react to a situation!!

keep reading and asking questions as it seems you care enough to be here to look for help so hopefully you will find the answer you need here.

You have described a lot of the classic symptoms of ADD in your bf but that does not nessarilly say that is whats going on.

You search for your own answers and meaning to life and if he cares enough maybe he will also

another classic saying which is a hard pill to swallow is

If you love something,
Let it go.

If it returns,
Then it is yours,

If it doesnt,
Then it never was !!!!!!

wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i love him. why must i always get my heart broken?

Madgirl: You sound like a really nice person...and so deserve someone who is consistently.....and I mean consistently.....caring and loving to you.....First he will tell you he loves you and then is cold and uncaring.....

You don't deserve that.....Are you sure it's "love" you feel?

Originally posted by madgirl
my bf has ADD and i am not sure which issues affecting our relationship are because of his ADD and which ones are just because of who he is.

you can never know this!

we are in a long distance relationship right now, i remember he used to be a very loving caring and good bf. but lately he's been such an *******.

Never ignore what you know!

he came to my apartment and we were going to live together after talking about this for 2 years. but after one week he moved out.

Trust that.

ever since then, he has broken up with me once, then called back and said he missed me and loved me. but i really feel like i am dating dr. jekyll and mr. hyde.

you are.

he never calls me, never IM's me, never writes e-mails to me anymore, even though he used to at the beginning of our relationship. he's never loving or caring anymore. he never listens to me when i talk, it's like he's never there, and he never talks to me, he never really did in the beginning either. he says he'll visit me for sex but he wont visit me to just see me unless he "has time".

Poor dear sweet woman. Don't be used.

he is depressed alot and even though i have always been there for him, when i asked him if he was just with me because he's depressed and wants someone there he said "i dont know". i know he used his ex-gf this way, and i think mabe he is treating me this way.

why has what you know several lines above been 'down graded to "think"? You know what you know.

sometimes he says i love you, and seems to think that we will be together forever and that i will always be there for him, and other times he is completely cold and uncaring, and is annoyed by me.

the more attention i give him the less he seems to like me. he says he is unstable

Trust this. He proved it with his prior girl friend, he's retracing those wteps with you. It is his alone, without help from YOU to make a change in HIS life, or not. So far, it is NOT. He'll write YOU when he gets his **** together, if he gets his **** together,,, no need for you to constantly check.

and refuses to seek medication or anything. he never listens to the career advice i give him.

If he isn't paying you for carreer advice, don't give it. Aconsultant is someone who charges enough for their advice that they don't care if you IGNORE it, or only take half of it and then blame for things not working. That's not the relationship you want with a bf. You don't want to be incontrol of someone else's life. It is a bad plan.

he changes his mind so often, and spends money impulsively and then asks me to pay him back for buying me dinner.

Dump him, but go to alanon before you pick your next bf.

last night i finally told him, "dont ever talk to me again."

WOW! you took the words right out of my mouth!

but i am still trying to understand the situation.

seek counseling, go to alanon

what's up with this? is he a jerk?

he has more than one problem, and you are not the one to fix any of them.

or am i just a fool for having been with him?

dear sweet woman, you are both young. You have asked questions. How well you listen to the answers determines whether you are a fool or not. Getting into a situation like this happens to anyone. How you do from here determines what you are, not that you got here.

we are both 24 btw.

Being young is hell. The only thing worse is being older. The only thing worse than that is being dead. : )

Dear Madgirl, you only need to reread your own posts as if you were someone else and not make excuses for him or for yourself. You've put it all out here. sorry for your loss.

You don't need advice. You want someone to explain it away. You've almost gotten to the point where you can't decieve yourself anymore, you might find someone else to, but i doubt it here...

we feel your pain, i suspect more fully than you realize it yourself yet. But we are less likely to try to call your situation something that it is not, than you are. : )

Please, trust yourself. You are giving yourself the best advice available to you. Take your own advice.

PS. You would not likely put up with this unless someone else in your life "prepared" you for such hopeless investment in distorted relationships. Get to a counselor who can sit in the same room with you and be professional and caring at the same time.

David

Originally posted by madgirl
i used to think a lot of it might be my fault because i used to fight with my family and couldnt get along with lots of people, but now i rarely lose my temper and i rarely fight with the people i love.

but i still fight constantly like every other day with him! is it him or me? i do not know anymore, but i am walking away because enough is enough.

he says the meanest things to me which he never used to say. like he tells me i am fat or kind of weird, that i'll just end up getting hurt in the end if i stay with him, or that he doesnt like fat girls, or that i'm too smart for him. wtf. im not even a little bit overweight. he says things like he doesnt like piggy girls because i like to eat a lot and i enjoy eating. but truth to tell u, he is the fat one but he says guys are allowed to be overweight. here i am 5'3 and 115 lbs....and he is like 260.....he says lots of things that hurt my feelings all the time and i hate him for it.

he does not give me enough time, attention, and he's never there when i need him anymore. he used to give me time and attention in the beginning. he spends lots of time alone just playing video games, and he wont give up smoking even though he promised he would.

he makes all these plans and then keeps changing his mind.But he doesn't change his behavior. His behavior is consistent.

he says he loves me sometimes but i dont feel like he cares. i feel unwanted.

i need advice.

okay thank you for the good advice. he doesnt drink all the time so no need for alanon. he just had some beers a few nights ago and said some really mean things to me. dont know if he means them but he said alcohol makes him more honest.

i dont know why i always pick such **** but i deserve better. sigh. oh well.

Originally posted by madgirl
okay thank you for the good advice. he doesnt drink all the time so no need for alanon. he just had some beers a few nights ago and said some really mean things to me. dont know if he means them but he said alcohol makes him more honest.

i dont know why i always pick such fags but i deserve better. sigh. oh well.

1) You gave yourself all the real advice, i just underlined it.

2) drinking and abusive behavior is not honesty, it is alcoholism. You are in denial. Take a pole.

3) You do "deserve better." But until YOU change YOURSELF, you'll get what you keep selecting for yourself.

AA says: insanity is when you keep doing the SAME thing and expect DIFFERENT results.

If you don't need alanon, nobody does.

Alanon is not for those who need it, it is for those who want it.

I'd rather not have said everything I have, but I have.

I know I can speak for half a dozen people here or more when i say "We don't care if you go to alanon, or anywhere else. We just wish you well."

is it always this hard to have a relationship with an ADD person?

i really cared for him and wanted to help him, but i dont think i can do anything anymore.

i guess he doesnt care. and i shall not either. this sucks, i usually dont give up on the people i care for. but..........bleh :P

thanks for all the great advice, i appreciate it you guys.

please pray for me, or wish me good luck. pm if u want too.

thank you. =D

Originally posted by madgirl
is it always this hard to have a relationship with an ADD person?


I was in a sales class. The premise of the story was that if you run into the same problem with three different people, it is you, not them... that you take the problem with you. for a dog owner it was a compelling story. If anyone wants it, i'll relate it in detail.

i really cared for him and wanted to help him, but i dont think i can do anything anymore.

that would be three totally separate things. In Alanon we discover that it can have meaning to detach with love. That is so easily misunderstood. It is very valuable once it is correctly understood.

i guess he doesnt care.

He probably does care, but that is not rellevant. He has other things he needs to tend to first. so do you.

and i shall not either.

You do care and requireing of yourself that you "pretend" not to care furthers the depth of your problem discerning reality and fantasy.

this sucks, i usually dont give up on the people i care for.

Unfortunately, you are in love with a fantasy, and frustrated that the person you have scripted for it can't live up to it. No flesh and blood person can evoke such sensless devotion... only your willingness to "force solutions" and solve other peoples problems can spur a person so strongly. i know where of I speak.

but..........bleh :P

thanks for all the great advice, i appreciate it you guys.

But remember, you said everything yourself, except "I want to go to Alanon"... you didn't say that! Be kind to yourself. Take your own advice.

Then go to someone who can help you find out about yourself. Why you pick "fags" and what you can do about it. You came here seeking help. You need someone in person. Ask someone in person.


please pray for me,

You've got it. More than you know.

or wish me good luck. pm if u want too.



Never presuppose what the future holds. Let it come on its own terms.

As always, take what you like and leave the rest.


thank you. =D

You are welcomed... just pass it on when you have the chance.

No PM's from me on this one. Everything is out on the table. Very best luck though!

PS. i'm stepping off my soap box.

I'm sure others have wishes of support for you.

i'm going to try to stand clear for a while and give someone else a turn... :)

but no one is deserting you here. Sometimes, it's just hard to know what to say to help instead of hurt...

Go in peace....