Hi People.

Today I recieved an email from my mother who I havent been on talking terms with for the past year (this was my choice) and she doesn't seem to want to repair this relationship and I can understand her point on this and a lot of our arguments were caused by my ADHD and the behaviours caused by it and now I guess I have to accept that my ADHD has wrecked my relationship with my own mother forever.

Has anyone else gone through this?:( :confused:

I unfortunately do understand what you are saying. I have had two people in my life attribute our relationship "issues" to just MY disorders (and yes, one is my mother and both of which have issues of their own which are untreated). I will admit that the disorders and my idiosyncrasies have played a part in the failed relationships but it's not the only or primary reason for the breakdown. Please don't allow the blame, whether it be self prescribed or projected, be placed on you.

I’m sorry that it’s been laid on you in an email but please understand that things like this can and will take time to heal. I'm hoping she hasn't completely closed the door on you...hugs and good luck to you, I'm sure she'll see that you're trying to make changes in your life for the better, just keep showing her when and where you can :)

Ditto what Andi said. I too have had a very difficult relationship with my mother, with all blame placed on me. We all have our issues, whether treated or not. It takes two to be in a relationship...and both need to work on it for it to succeed. Much luck to you breaking through the "ice" and rebuilding the relationship with your mother. I'm just starting to work on one with mine.

My relationship with my father was volatile, to say the least.

The first time he ever apologized to me (for anything), I was 44yrs old.

However, before he passed away(the next year),we both made sincere amends.

I was even able to share my 12 step recovery with him.

In spite of our differences, we managed to work well together, and I'm proud of both our accomplishments.

"Never/ever" is a very long time.

Everything changes,even if it means your letting go.

Forgiveness is what it's all about.

You'll (all) be in my thoughts and prayers.

tc
mctavish23(Robert)

Since ADD/ADHD do not come from the water, chances are, unless you are adopted, your mother also as "issues".

You can't fix everything but you can take care of yourself. Be the best that you can be. Know that your ADHD is not the "cause" of the relationship trouble.

The "Serenity Prayer" helps me immensely with having ADHD and with dealing with my ADHD/ADD family on a daily basis. "God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference."

Hang in there. :)

It's not easy not taking responsibility for your parent's choices -- your mom has made a poor one and it's very sad that you both will miss out on time together. I hope that someday there will be reconcilliation and healing. None of us chose our ADHD -- I'm sorry she hasn't been willing to understand and help you deal with the extra challenges you face.

Take gentle care,
Scattered

I agree completely with Andrew and the others. It really does take two to be in a relationship. My Dad and I have never had a good relationship, a shaky one at best, whereby what was wrong was/is pretty much my fault or my imagination. My Mom on the other hand is willing to accept me and work with me.

I recommend the thread on Detaching with Love (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=16248). For all the love I have for my Dad it stops short of causing me pain. I want no more than what we have. He is not willing to work at any more. I have learned the hard way to accept that he is what he is and it is out of my control to move him in the direction I've wanted to go all these years. For my own sanity and the emotional health of my family I have given myself permission to be selfish in this area.

There's a grief and a freedom all at the same time. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's painful but you are not alone in your sadness.

Thanks.

adhdxyz: I'm not adopted and yes Mum has "issues" (mainly issues of being abused as a child and in her marriage)

Scattered: You're right none of us chose our ADHD, but at the same time Mum doesn't have it therefore it would be hard for her to understand the ADD/ADHD mind.

Mctavish23: I'm glad you were able to make amends with your Dad before he passed away and I hope I can eventually do the same with my Mother.

Due to what was looked upon as "crazyness" on my part in the past, my parents and siblings refuse to see the differences in me. I know I've done some really stupid things over the years, but it is so clear to me that I had undiagnosed adhd. Thats no excuss though in their eyes-I'll just always be looked at the same way-sad huh? It makes my world so much more lonely.

Sillynilly.
Ignorance in families is VERY common as a lot of people don't like the stigma of being "different" and maybe they do acknowledge your condition but are having trouble living with some self inflicted guit trips???