According to Myers-Briggs test I am a idealist, INFP.

From where I am looking, it seems like many idealist, not only ADD, is haveing a hard time to reward themselves and therefore feel bad. I think it is because the goals are set too high. Quite obvious arguments but lets take it to the basics. I dont know if this is correct, so please correct me.

We have a image of ourselves, our looks, skills and career and so on. And then we have a goal image, the person we want to become, to the last detail. The degree of effort between now and the goal can be called our ambition.

So what happens if we cant reach the goal? We dont reward ourselves and maybe even punish ourselves, the selfesteem is not rising only falling, and that drags the selfimage with it. So for each time this happens we come farther and farther away from our goal image.

The distance between us and the goal can be seen as ambition, and if that's is too high, and it might affect us negative. We get nervous, anxious, we neglect ourselves and it would seem like our values are quite ****** up.

A non-idealist would leave their values, lower their standard and set a more reasonable goal. I can't do this, I do that instead, he says. But we say, I CAN do this, but I only have to focus or have some luck or just another excuse to not face the fact that we are not capable to reach the goal and most important realize that the goal is unreasonable high, maybe not for others, but for us.

Of course it's great to be a fighter. But while we stick to our guns, protect our idealistic values and goals, we can get seriously hurt. It's hard to leave those values because our identity is built on it. The worst is if we give up fighting, and still have those goals. Then we lost our ability to be happy.

What do you think? Except my bad english.. =)

I seem to set goals that are reachable for normal people, but unrealistic for an ADDer. I am very ambitious but lack the capacity to reach what I should be able to.

Just that you dont misunderstand me, i didnt mean WE as in we ADDers. I mean we as in we idealistic self oppressionists.

Not many answers here, seems like it wasn't that intresting.

Forums are slow in the morning....

Also, I've found the best way to deal with setting your to high, is to learn to brace them with hard facts... I have had points in time where I thought I could create websites that would be huge, and successful for the digital art industry, and I've learned a lot by dealing with the hard facts about digital art and the sites that support it.

The trick is to set your goals lower and incremementally increase them as it becomes FACT that you can do what you want to do.

At least, that's my method.

I love to fail. It tells me I'm trying!

When I was a kid someone told me that I should shoot for the stars and that maybe I would get to the moon. I figured that I could deal with that since some folks never get past the 7/11 on the corner... :)

If you get a scab from failure. Just don't pick it. Try to get a bigger scab to replace it.

I'm always optimistic about effort.

Adamant is right. Start small and increase goals until are where you want to be.

It's best to have goals that are attainable, yet challenging.

The key is making short term and long term goals. The short term goals make the long term goals possible. If needed - break up the goal into smaller steps so the ultimate goal doesn't seem so difficult.

If you find yourself failing - adjust your goals and try to remember that it's ok to fail - just get back on the horse and try it again.

Goals are funny things. Apart from a recent urge to understand neurotransmitter synthesis pathways, I don't have many. What I tend to do is play around with whatever comes my way, and if I discover I'm good at something I do more of it. If I'm crap at something, like say cooking or singing, I avoid it. The trouble comes when you want to achieve something that will take longer than your attention span. That might be where medical intervention becomes necessary.

I'm also an INFP -- we're rare so it's nice to know there's at least one out there!

What kind of goals are you talking about? For people with our personality type, it's definitely the TYPE of goal that really makes a difference. So I would be interested to know what kinds of goals you are trying to reach that seem unreasonable or unattainable to you.

Also, INFPs very much live in the world of the imagination/future. Therefore we always have an image of what we want to become. So even when we reach a goal that we have set, it's almost like it doesn't matter because we don't live in the present. We're already on to creating something else to reach for -- because whatever is NOW doesn't matter quite so much. Does that make any sense to you?

Another INFP here.

That test and explanation were very revealing!

I honestly believe that my unreasonable goals may be a substantial part of my depression for the past 6 years or so. As the chasm between what I think I should be and what I am widens I get worse.

What kind of goals are you talking about? For people with our personality type, it's definitely the TYPE of goal that really makes a difference. So I would be interested to know what kinds of goals you are trying to reach that seem unreasonable or unattainable to you.
As in a goal, I mean a state where you allow to reward yourself. That can be many states/goals. In social matters I set high standard for myself, because peoples opinion about me has such an importance, I dislike that fact and it makes me wanna be independent but also a good friend.

You can see that as a positive thing, as I am a nice guy. But there is a big difference between being nice by choice or nice by force. The values, the importance of peoples opinion as I said, makes me set the goal to be perfect. I am of course not perfect, I do have friends and people likes me. But I also punish my self a lot when I've done something stupid in social situations, which happens more or less every week. It's hard to change ones values, I know I can't fix it by only thinking. I need to experiance, travel or fall in love. Mutual love is something I have never experianced.

I am not depressed, nor am I really happy, but then who is nowadays. I did good in school, but I had never any goals to reach for the high grades. I wasn't any good at listening or doing homework. But if they served me a task I could focus like hell, so that wasn't any problem. The thing was that, the school had such low goals. As an idealist I wanted big fat goals, the rush, the happiness. Sweden is a boring place to be, I've realized that now. The schools are so damn lame and as the socialistic country we are, there are very little competition. I am quite certain that if there was competition in school, where the winner got fame and glory, I would have made it to the top.

But what kind of mentality is that? Why can't I just be happy with a little credit and a pet on my shoulder? I've always tried to be the humble person, if I brag to much, I get a huge feeling of shame that's haunting me rest of the week. Why can't I satisfy myself to be just average? Which is the main policy here in Sweden, even more reason to be satisfied with less.

Something made me belive that average isn't good enough. Maybe the fact that I got adopted when I was 5. that my new parents was very loving at first but being afraid that they would spoil me they stopped and I wondered why. A part of being raised is to learn how to behave. I had a hard time to behave and adjust from the streets of Korea to Swedish daycare. So I was taught how to behave, but as a child you don't listen if you get unconditional love all the time, so parents give love when children behave. But if parents only love their children when they behave, for a child, or for me, that means my parents doesn't love me for who I am, only for who they want me to be. I am exaggerating of course, my parents did love me, but I was just sensitive to this reaction, beliveing that one has to earn love.

I still remember that my biological mother asked me if I wanted to go away, and I said yes and smiled, just to please her, knowing that I would do anything for that woman.

But if I have this great goals, why doesn't it make me work harder? Because little things dont reward me. I have to be able to see that the little things leads to a big thing for me to do it. It has to have a meaning. So that's why it's so important for me to figure out the meaning of my life. What am I struggling for? What do I want to fullfill here? If I dont know that, I dont reward myself for the things I do. And if I dont reward my self, I get unhappy and I dont give a damn about anything.

Now I know what I want to do. I want to help other people with creations or revelations, the only thing that stops us from total selfishness is the strive after love of other people. For that we must help, but never should we allow our selves to be used, other than by choice.

I'm INFP. I don't set goals. I just try and get on with it. I find if I set goals that just gives me something more to stress about. At the moment I'm just trying to make it through from one day to the next. I used to come to the forums all the time but now I work full time so time eludes me. I've found from going through the long hard recovery from PTSD whilst having to deal with ADD and OCD as well, that for me, thinking too much is not a good thing. For this reason I just try to live my life sensibly from day to day and do the best that I can every day.

This is a very interesting and relevant topic. I appreciate the thought and effort involved in bringing it to the table.

I have real problems with unrealistic expectations and goal setting. Has anyone found a book, or process or anything that helps them be more realistic?

I have struggled my entire life with ADD. I have gone through 9 years of failure in my professional life even though I am in my so-called "ideal" profession. I work to find ways to manage my thoughts and time and use process charts, timers, and journals to manage my focus. It is becoming more difficult to pull myself out of it now.

I know that feedback from a coach or friend can help with appropriate goal-setting, but it is just so difficult to share this continual failure over and over with someone.

I am quite used to keeping things to myself. This forum is great to be able to ask for feedback.

I'll see if I can come up with some books or web sites on goal setting, TheRedPoodle.

Setting Goal basics:

(1) Set long term goals (2-3 at a time, start small)

(2) set short term goals that help you accomplish your long term goals

(3) be realistic: your goals should be challenging, but you know you can accomplish them

(4) they should be precise and positive

(5) they should be measurable

(4) take data on your progress (using + and - or stickers on charts work well)

(5) use positive reinforcement
- be good to yourself and reward yourself for working on your goals

(6) goals are adjustable
If one isn't working, don't just chuck it, adjust it and start it up again.


Example:
(these are goals I will be be starting as soon as I get a chart ready)

Long term goal: to keep my apartment organized and clean

I will pick up after myself and put items away in their rightful places.
I have accomplished this goal once I have successfully completed all short term goals and maintain them 90% of the time each week for 3 months.

Short term goals:
(1) Wash dishes 1x/day
(2) Hang up my jacket when I know I'm in for the night, 1x/day
(3) Wash out the sink everytime after I brush my teeth (2x/day)
(4) put my clothes in closet or drawers or in hamper 1x/day

**When I complete any short term goals 2, 5, 10 times in a row and when I am successful in completing any of my short term goals, I get to buy myself a treat

Criteria for success:
completing these tasks 90% of the time over the course of 1 month

Once the criteria is met for the current goals, rotate in 3 new ones and work on maintaining the ones you just accomplished.

Goals to rotate in (have these ready to go):
(4) Vacuum apartment 2x/week
(5) do laundry 1x/week
(6) Clean off coffee table 3x/week
(7) put school supplies, papers in the appropriate place 1x/day


** I picked 3 months because it takes 12 weeks to develop a habit/routine
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I think I've covered the basics, but . . . if anyone else has anything to add, please do!!

So my long post, above, isn't any longer . . .. .

I find that it's very difficult to hold myself accountable. If the goals are written down and a chart of some kind is used to take data, then accountability is easier.

However, it is even easier when you can have a buddy who will help you (to remind, to hold you accountable, to boast to, etc). It's nice to have a support system.

I know it's hard to share failures, I have a really hard time with that too, and I try to keep in mind that everyone has failed at at least one point or another in their life and that it's ok to ask for help.
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You could look into an ADHD coach, TheRedPoodle. We have peer coaching here
http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=103 (http://forumdisplay.php?f=103)

And professional coaching:
http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=138 (http://forumdisplay.php?f=138)

Behavior Modification charts (free):
http://www.latitudes.org/behavioral_charts.html

I love this site for charts and check off lists
http://www.printablechecklists.com/

Article on Goal Setting:
http://www.mygoals.com/content/goal-setting-article-001.html

Set Effective Goals Article:
http://www.mindtools.com/pggoalef.html
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Living in Chaos, you are so awesome! Thank you for the resources. I am looking forward to exploring each of your listed resources! I will probably have questions after reading them.

I am trying to tame my focus by designating periods of time for personal, work, household, etc. Activities based on long-term goals are placed inside these time containers. I prioritize the tasks according to importance without assigning them a set time. I wear a countdown watch set to 10 minute intervals and start focusing on the first task for 10 minutes. That is my goal. Just those 10 minutes, pretty soon, the first task is done.

This works for me except when I loose sight of the big picture and get overwhelmed with either the task I'm attempting, or feelings of inadequacy. I believe that the feelings will eventually go away if I stick to my focus tasks long enough and accomplish some of my goals. This is not intended as a pity party. It just helps to write it out and get back to the plan.

Thank you for being here. I hope you have a purposeful day. You have started out well aready.