reBuilder
02-04-06, 10:12 AM
I’m new to this forum and was wondering what you folks thought about my Inattentive ADD diagnosis? Warning: this is a long read.
I'm quite a mess. I'm very overwhelmed by life. It's as if there are a heard of marauding elephants (things to-do or fix) that are going to run me over and I need to eat every one of them before they charge. This past year it feels like they’ve run me over and pounded me into the mud. Every time I get enough energy to get up there remains one mean elephant left to threaten me into submission, so I lay back down. I’ve given up the fight.
Here's some background.
CHILDHOOD:
My father constantly said I was forgetful. One time when I was about 6 I almost killed our family cat. I put the cat in an ice chest then started playing something else and forgot about him. My mother heard the cries and rescued it. I could never knuckle down and do homework or projects that took concentration and planning. I always procrastinated then at the last minute crammed schoolwork and projects just enough to get by. Fortunately, I still managed a B average. To this day I am a self-learner and don't like being taught unless I really like and admire the teacher and the subject matter. Definite underachiever in school. I would always give up too soon. Shy and quiet with a very low self-esteem. When I did find a project or task I was interested in I would often hyper focus and set unrealistic or perfectionist’s goals. Of course I would never complete these elaborate creations.
TEEN & EARLY ADULTHOOD:
I remember daydreaming about wanting to always be like other kids my age that I admired rather than myself. As a school “wall weed” sitting in the hall way with my other underachieving friends I would watch the popular guys go by and want to be like them rather than myself. A definite under-achiever growing up. I’ve always felt different. Never tried to accomplish anything or set goals. After taking the ACT and scoring in the top 5% I realized that I wasn't stupid. All of a sudden I loved to learn and was making A's in college. I wanted to learn everything and take every class. I guess there were too many choices so I never focused on any of them. Needless to say after 3.5 years of college and still no idea of what I wanted to be I finally gave up and quit. I went back to school off and on over the next few years but still never finished or decided what I wanted.
ADULTHOOD:
Disorganized. I operate on the pile method of organization. At least things are layered chronologically. My home office is always a disaster. I compensate for my lack of organization by being a compulsive list maker. I have stacks and stacks of notebooks full of my to-do lists. Those notebooks are full of projects and things I want or need to do. Amazingly I am very punctual but I think that is more my pleaser-type personality causing that.
Undisciplined. Totally! Maintenance…. fahget-about-it.
Rabbit trails. Every once in a blue moon I get the urge to clean up my sheds and barn. After I pick up an item to put it in it's place I find myself craving to do something with it. So off I go on another tangent that usually leads to something else and several hours later I’m doing everything but cleaning and organizing. Same thing for my office cleanup.
Lose things. Not too long ago I found a thousand dollars in cash that I had tucked away between some papers. Not only did I lose it but I forgot that I even had it to lose! I really lose things when I put them away in "special places" so I won't lose them. I am in construction and losing tools is a way of life. I’m not exaggerating that I have over 100 screwdrivers, 50 utility knives, 35 measuring tapes, and 20 hammers. I have duplicates, triplicates, quadruplicates, ... of many power tools. It's amazing that if I needed a screwdriver right now it would take me 15 minutes or more just to find 1 of the 100!
Forgetful. I put a magnetic key holder under my jeep because I regularly lock myself out. My wife won't even let me near a checkbook because I usually forget to tell her when I write a check. Of course she manages the finances because I forget to pay bills. Oh and while I’m thinking about it …..God bless that man who invented Post-it notes! I forget names of friends and family I’ve known a long time. You will often hear me greet folks with “Hey buddy”. That includes women too.
No completion. I am the creative type and love dreaming up new (usually unrealistic) projects. I have a million hobbies. It is so much fun to create projects and begin them but once it gets to 75% complete I begin to lose interest. Of course I never complete them. My father warned my wife to not move into the house I was building until it was completely finished. She did anyway and it's still not finished after 12 years. We still don’t have a shower and tub for the master bath! (But I have plans for a really nice one!)
Procrastination. My middle name. Why do now what you can’t do well at the last minute.
Hoarding. I have a two story barn, 3 sheds, wrap around porch and an attic stacked full of stuff that I've bought on clearance or at freight salvage outlets and thrift stores. You literally cannot even get inside the doors because it's piled so high. All of those things represent some thought or project that I have in mind. Many years ago I purchased $1,000 worth of Amazon toys that were 75-90% off because of a pricing error. My attic is still full of those toys even after I’ve given tons away to various charities,
Christmas gifts, and birthdays. Of course our finances are in ruin because of this impulsive behavior. I also hoard downloaded media from the Usenet. I want every song, movie, and software ever created and have stacks and stacks and boxes and boxes of burned DVD’s and CD’s. Terabytes and whatever-bytes is above that. I never use any of it but feel compelled to collect it. (No offense to anyone in those industries)
Impulsive/compulsive. Mainly when it comes to spending. I used to spend hours and hours on Hot Deal forums looking for those killer internet deals. I’ve used up almost all the equity in my home. After appreciation over the years the potential equity would have been $150,000. I have had to refinance several times including home equity loans to pay off exorbitant credit card bills that have accumulated over the past 15 years because of my stupidity. Another impulsive behavior is that I always seem to be finishing the sentences of others because I'm anticipating what they are going to say next (usually I'm right). I’m quite the head nodder. My mind is usually formulating other thoughts while they speak rather than actually listening. I hate it when other folks do it to me. When those conversations turn to issues that really interest me I can become quite obnoxious and animated trying to convince the other person to adopt my position. I can become argumentative and raise my voice to my close friends and family. Oh, and my wife learned long ago to not send me to the grocery store for milk or bread. I usually come back with 3 or 4 bags of other stuff. I remember several times even forgetting what I went there or in the first place.
Indecisive. Decision making can be tough because I tend to over-explore every option and possibility.
Hyper focus. When I do get the courage to start a new project I sometimes get too focused on my new project to the exclusion of everything else. Eating, drinking and restroom breaks are bothersome. Of course, most of the time I get too distracted to continue that project and start another one. I have to admit that I feel most alive when I get hyper focused.
Lack of attention to detail. When I was in college I made A’s in chemistry class but C’s in lab work because I had trouble following every step. I’m a good cook but I can’t follow a recipe to save my life.
Low Self-esteem. I replay the following tapes over and over. “I’m stupid”, “I’m an idiot”, “Please God, take me away” My perception is that everyone else is OK and I’m the odd man out. I still want to be someone else and not myself.
Emotional turmoil. Mostly anxiety because of the house-of-cards I’ve created over the past 35 years. I’m 45 . I’ve become more and more of a social recluse because of social anxiety of being around groups.
Not hyperactive at all. In fact I’ve become quite a useless slug over the past few years.
I’ve been under a psychiatrists care for about 6 years. It really started about 12 years ago and has been a slow progression downward to this lowly state I’m in now. I’m labeled with a Major Depressive Disorder that is drug-resistant. I can’t keep up with all the drugs I’ve tried. There was even a series of ECT about 8 months ago and I felt even worse. I’ve pretty much given up the fight this past year. The past two years I’ve become totally dysfunctional. At my worst I am quite vegetative and it’s hard to even flip channels on the TV. Yes, I definitely have suicidal tendencies and have had several attempts at suicide attempts (if that makes any sense?) but manage to back out at the last minute. A recent battery of tests by a neuro-psychologist is what led to a possible ADD diagnosis in addition to MDD. I am currently on Welbutrin XL 300mg and I just started generic Ritalin about 10 days ago. The first two days on 20mg in the morning were some of the best days I’ve had in a year. The third day I crashed. The fourth day we upped the dosage to two 20mg and I felt ok. The fifth day I crashed. Went up to three 20mg and crashed. The sixth, seventh and eighth day we went back down to one 20mg and did not feel well. Doctor said to take 30mg twice a day starting yesterday and I felt terrible. I didn’t feel anything. I even took a nap about an hour after my second dose! (I thought this stuff is a stimulant?) I started feeling better in the evening after it all wore off. Of course that is my natural cycle to feel better in the evening. Today I’m going to split the 20mg and take at morning and noon to see what happens.
One other oddity is that over the past few years I’ve had a couple of periods of depression remission that lasted several months each time. I would begin an intense exercise routine that would make me feel completely normal. Unfortunately, I would have to escalate the exercise every day. I could not just maintain a certain level. I got up to 2 hours a day and finally crashed when I could not keep up. I’ve tried several times over the past year to get that going again but crash each time after a few days of exercise.
Oh and did I tell you that I’m married to the most incredible woman in the world. I still can’t figure out why she hasn’t kicked my out on my hiny.
Peace,
Tony
I'm quite a mess. I'm very overwhelmed by life. It's as if there are a heard of marauding elephants (things to-do or fix) that are going to run me over and I need to eat every one of them before they charge. This past year it feels like they’ve run me over and pounded me into the mud. Every time I get enough energy to get up there remains one mean elephant left to threaten me into submission, so I lay back down. I’ve given up the fight.
Here's some background.
CHILDHOOD:
My father constantly said I was forgetful. One time when I was about 6 I almost killed our family cat. I put the cat in an ice chest then started playing something else and forgot about him. My mother heard the cries and rescued it. I could never knuckle down and do homework or projects that took concentration and planning. I always procrastinated then at the last minute crammed schoolwork and projects just enough to get by. Fortunately, I still managed a B average. To this day I am a self-learner and don't like being taught unless I really like and admire the teacher and the subject matter. Definite underachiever in school. I would always give up too soon. Shy and quiet with a very low self-esteem. When I did find a project or task I was interested in I would often hyper focus and set unrealistic or perfectionist’s goals. Of course I would never complete these elaborate creations.
TEEN & EARLY ADULTHOOD:
I remember daydreaming about wanting to always be like other kids my age that I admired rather than myself. As a school “wall weed” sitting in the hall way with my other underachieving friends I would watch the popular guys go by and want to be like them rather than myself. A definite under-achiever growing up. I’ve always felt different. Never tried to accomplish anything or set goals. After taking the ACT and scoring in the top 5% I realized that I wasn't stupid. All of a sudden I loved to learn and was making A's in college. I wanted to learn everything and take every class. I guess there were too many choices so I never focused on any of them. Needless to say after 3.5 years of college and still no idea of what I wanted to be I finally gave up and quit. I went back to school off and on over the next few years but still never finished or decided what I wanted.
ADULTHOOD:
Disorganized. I operate on the pile method of organization. At least things are layered chronologically. My home office is always a disaster. I compensate for my lack of organization by being a compulsive list maker. I have stacks and stacks of notebooks full of my to-do lists. Those notebooks are full of projects and things I want or need to do. Amazingly I am very punctual but I think that is more my pleaser-type personality causing that.
Undisciplined. Totally! Maintenance…. fahget-about-it.
Rabbit trails. Every once in a blue moon I get the urge to clean up my sheds and barn. After I pick up an item to put it in it's place I find myself craving to do something with it. So off I go on another tangent that usually leads to something else and several hours later I’m doing everything but cleaning and organizing. Same thing for my office cleanup.
Lose things. Not too long ago I found a thousand dollars in cash that I had tucked away between some papers. Not only did I lose it but I forgot that I even had it to lose! I really lose things when I put them away in "special places" so I won't lose them. I am in construction and losing tools is a way of life. I’m not exaggerating that I have over 100 screwdrivers, 50 utility knives, 35 measuring tapes, and 20 hammers. I have duplicates, triplicates, quadruplicates, ... of many power tools. It's amazing that if I needed a screwdriver right now it would take me 15 minutes or more just to find 1 of the 100!
Forgetful. I put a magnetic key holder under my jeep because I regularly lock myself out. My wife won't even let me near a checkbook because I usually forget to tell her when I write a check. Of course she manages the finances because I forget to pay bills. Oh and while I’m thinking about it …..God bless that man who invented Post-it notes! I forget names of friends and family I’ve known a long time. You will often hear me greet folks with “Hey buddy”. That includes women too.
No completion. I am the creative type and love dreaming up new (usually unrealistic) projects. I have a million hobbies. It is so much fun to create projects and begin them but once it gets to 75% complete I begin to lose interest. Of course I never complete them. My father warned my wife to not move into the house I was building until it was completely finished. She did anyway and it's still not finished after 12 years. We still don’t have a shower and tub for the master bath! (But I have plans for a really nice one!)
Procrastination. My middle name. Why do now what you can’t do well at the last minute.
Hoarding. I have a two story barn, 3 sheds, wrap around porch and an attic stacked full of stuff that I've bought on clearance or at freight salvage outlets and thrift stores. You literally cannot even get inside the doors because it's piled so high. All of those things represent some thought or project that I have in mind. Many years ago I purchased $1,000 worth of Amazon toys that were 75-90% off because of a pricing error. My attic is still full of those toys even after I’ve given tons away to various charities,
Christmas gifts, and birthdays. Of course our finances are in ruin because of this impulsive behavior. I also hoard downloaded media from the Usenet. I want every song, movie, and software ever created and have stacks and stacks and boxes and boxes of burned DVD’s and CD’s. Terabytes and whatever-bytes is above that. I never use any of it but feel compelled to collect it. (No offense to anyone in those industries)
Impulsive/compulsive. Mainly when it comes to spending. I used to spend hours and hours on Hot Deal forums looking for those killer internet deals. I’ve used up almost all the equity in my home. After appreciation over the years the potential equity would have been $150,000. I have had to refinance several times including home equity loans to pay off exorbitant credit card bills that have accumulated over the past 15 years because of my stupidity. Another impulsive behavior is that I always seem to be finishing the sentences of others because I'm anticipating what they are going to say next (usually I'm right). I’m quite the head nodder. My mind is usually formulating other thoughts while they speak rather than actually listening. I hate it when other folks do it to me. When those conversations turn to issues that really interest me I can become quite obnoxious and animated trying to convince the other person to adopt my position. I can become argumentative and raise my voice to my close friends and family. Oh, and my wife learned long ago to not send me to the grocery store for milk or bread. I usually come back with 3 or 4 bags of other stuff. I remember several times even forgetting what I went there or in the first place.
Indecisive. Decision making can be tough because I tend to over-explore every option and possibility.
Hyper focus. When I do get the courage to start a new project I sometimes get too focused on my new project to the exclusion of everything else. Eating, drinking and restroom breaks are bothersome. Of course, most of the time I get too distracted to continue that project and start another one. I have to admit that I feel most alive when I get hyper focused.
Lack of attention to detail. When I was in college I made A’s in chemistry class but C’s in lab work because I had trouble following every step. I’m a good cook but I can’t follow a recipe to save my life.
Low Self-esteem. I replay the following tapes over and over. “I’m stupid”, “I’m an idiot”, “Please God, take me away” My perception is that everyone else is OK and I’m the odd man out. I still want to be someone else and not myself.
Emotional turmoil. Mostly anxiety because of the house-of-cards I’ve created over the past 35 years. I’m 45 . I’ve become more and more of a social recluse because of social anxiety of being around groups.
Not hyperactive at all. In fact I’ve become quite a useless slug over the past few years.
I’ve been under a psychiatrists care for about 6 years. It really started about 12 years ago and has been a slow progression downward to this lowly state I’m in now. I’m labeled with a Major Depressive Disorder that is drug-resistant. I can’t keep up with all the drugs I’ve tried. There was even a series of ECT about 8 months ago and I felt even worse. I’ve pretty much given up the fight this past year. The past two years I’ve become totally dysfunctional. At my worst I am quite vegetative and it’s hard to even flip channels on the TV. Yes, I definitely have suicidal tendencies and have had several attempts at suicide attempts (if that makes any sense?) but manage to back out at the last minute. A recent battery of tests by a neuro-psychologist is what led to a possible ADD diagnosis in addition to MDD. I am currently on Welbutrin XL 300mg and I just started generic Ritalin about 10 days ago. The first two days on 20mg in the morning were some of the best days I’ve had in a year. The third day I crashed. The fourth day we upped the dosage to two 20mg and I felt ok. The fifth day I crashed. Went up to three 20mg and crashed. The sixth, seventh and eighth day we went back down to one 20mg and did not feel well. Doctor said to take 30mg twice a day starting yesterday and I felt terrible. I didn’t feel anything. I even took a nap about an hour after my second dose! (I thought this stuff is a stimulant?) I started feeling better in the evening after it all wore off. Of course that is my natural cycle to feel better in the evening. Today I’m going to split the 20mg and take at morning and noon to see what happens.
One other oddity is that over the past few years I’ve had a couple of periods of depression remission that lasted several months each time. I would begin an intense exercise routine that would make me feel completely normal. Unfortunately, I would have to escalate the exercise every day. I could not just maintain a certain level. I got up to 2 hours a day and finally crashed when I could not keep up. I’ve tried several times over the past year to get that going again but crash each time after a few days of exercise.
Oh and did I tell you that I’m married to the most incredible woman in the world. I still can’t figure out why she hasn’t kicked my out on my hiny.
Peace,
Tony