I've found that being in a relationship with another ADHDer to be really rewarding.
While all relationships take effort, in understanding each other's communication style, sensitivity factors, etc., I personally find being in a love relationship with another ADDer to be never boring, the creativity flourishes, the sense of humor is recognized, matched and endless, and the shared empathy/trust is above all, regarded with utter gratitude.

I posted this article because my boyfriend and I are an 'ADHD couple'.
Hope it adds a smile to the faces other ADD couples out there.

Thanks,
Nova


ADHD Makes My Marriage Better! <O:p</O:p
<O:p</O:p

http://add.about.com/library/weekly/aa021102a.htm (http://add.about.com/library/weekly/aa021102a.htm)<O:p</O:p

<O:p</O:p

Much has been written on the negative impact of ADD in a relationship. The struggles it can produce can tear apart a marriage and cause resentment on both parts. However, there is another side to ADD in relationships. The side in which both partners value the uniqueness and the individuality of the other. The following are quotes from our forum and from correspondence received on the greatness of ADD within a relationship.<O:p</O:p

Our ADD romance works because we are both ADD and his son is ADHD. Makes for a wild house, but since I'm ADD/inattentive, and he's ADD/hyperfocused, we complement each other. Billy's best friend is also ADHD, and he spends most weekends with us. So then we are really an ADD household!


I've been married for 20 years and look forward to every new year that comes around. Sure, we have our ups and downs, just like everyone else. Raising a child with ADHD is not the easiest thing to do, but we keep at it. We would never quit or run away.

My wife and I are both ADHD. I can’t imagine it any different. What would I do with a partner that went to bed at 11:00 or wasn’t willing to stay up half the night when I can’t sleep. We are always on the go and find many adventures along the way. We don’t yet have any children, and maybe we will choose not to have any. Our relationship works great and we are best friends. I have read many books on ADD and quite frankly, “normal” sounds pretty boring to us!


I am ADD, my husband is not. We balance each other completely. We keep our priorities in mind and he reminds me of what needs to be done. (Nicely, of course) We have learned to focus on the priorities and take everything else as it comes. One of our two children has ADHD and life is always interesting to say the least.

I think ADD has helped my marriage, because even after 25 yrs. of marriage I am not a boring person to live with. When you are my age, being immature for my age isn’t entirely a bad thing. <O:p</O:p

I see ADD just as any other medical condition. It is something that can be dealt with in a positive way and can add a lot of excitement and humor to a relationship.

Sometimes it’s tough to be different – there are many sides of my ADD that you enjoy and profit from, but there is a price to being ADD and being around someone who has ADD. I personally think it’s a bargain.


My partner loves my ADHD traits and accepts me wholeheartedly. He is the first person in my life to have really loved my ADHD self and given me unconditional acceptance for all of my various quirks as well as my good points. We are very different people in many ways, and I think that we complement one another because of that.


Our house is filled with unique individuals, and as the anchor, I sometimes get left in the background, keeping everything together and not being recognized for it. I sometimes get taken for granted and become overwhelmed at all of my responsibilities. But I am repaid each day with the very uniqueness that sometimes wears me out. My home is filled with love and laughter (and much activity.) At the times of burn out, I try to remember how much my family gives back to me.

I'm lucky to have a partner who's so understanding. But then again, I'm married to a child psychiatrist who understands ADD pretty well given his profession. He doesn't "treat" me, of course, due to conflict of interest. However, he is a good source of the latest information.

Wow Nova, you're lucky, I don't even have many friends that understand my ADHD brain (except those I have at my local support group) let alone a partner...lol I hope one day I'll find a fellow ADHDer or an ADHD friendly partner *fingers crossed*
Take care
Selena

I always post articles as a way to balance things on here.

The only person that I can realy relate to and fully understand is my sister. Our thought processes are so similar to each other. My wife and I are completely at odds, she just can't figure me out even when I try to help her figure me out. I really think that ADD or not, compatability is the key to a good relationship.

There’s a good reason that our relationships can be deeper and closer, something we first described in ADDers generally and that SB_UK then further developed. His term for it is the intimately converged web.

We ADDers can think differently, and the way we do that can be further enhanced by an extremely close relationship. We ultimately provide each other with a kind of logical reassurance, a checkpoint for truth about the outside world and our understanding of it.

In other words, we can check each other’s models with a trusted source, but first we have to develop that trust through a process of drawing closer than even most romance fantasies describe.

You don’t get the logical intellectual validation without the deep commitment and accompanying emotional validation of each other. You can’t do it without embracing your AD/HD, either, but as far as we can determine, everybody is capable of such relationships, ADDers and normals alike.

That‘s because we all harbor the ability to ‘have’ or ‘be’ AD/HD, and evidence it depending on how it happens to seem obvious or useful. Relationships can be powerful drivers.

There aren’t even words for a lot of the experiences we can have, which range from peculiar communication (that often doesn’t require words) to distinct advantages in our reasoning processes, to details of physical communication that are literally not mentioned anywhere in print or on film, in any context.

We wouldn‘t trade it for the world, but it is sometimes difficult to explain.

And people do notice, too; we can wind up being really attractive targets of unwanted attention. Fortunately, the same attributes that make us attractive usually make us immune to being taken in; it’s hard to break into an intimate relationship like this, once it’s well established.

--Tom and Kay

Hi Nova,

I couldn't help but respond to this post as I have often wondered what it would be like to be in a relationship with another ADDer like me. My H can be a loving person but not real emotional, if that sounds possible. Sometimes I feel very unfulfilled because our connection is not as deep as I desire. It seems I can go long periods of time and just accept that and live with it, but there are times when it really bothers me. He just doesn't seem to appreciate things as deeply as I do. When we got together I saw many stable things I desire in a person and I wanted that stability in the person I was going to marry. I have all of the stability I need with him but sometimes I just wish he'd let his hair down a little bit. He's not a real spontaneous kind of person and it's only once in a blue-moon that he'll get a little crazy with me. It seems like when it gets warmer and summer time comes it bothers me the most. I do have a friend that is ADD and we relate very well, but he is male and I can't spend a lot of time with him out of respect for my husband. When I do get the chance to talk to him, it seems we can talk about anything and everything and he just sees things the way I do. He also feels as deeply as I do. He was utterly crushed about a breakup with his girlfriend and was able to describe and share his pain, something my H can not do very well. It is true that my H has been my anchor, but as I get older I am becoming more my own anchor, which is a good thing, but I have this need to be needed. I realize this is probably very much an ADD thing and maybe if I didn't have ADD I wouldn't have the feelings I do.

Sorry to go go on a tangeon here. This is just something that has been on my mind and in my heart for a long time. I know there is really no solution to it, but maybe I just needed to express it. I guess we all make our choices in this life and we have to live with the choices we make. Sometimes things are missing but it's rare to find the perfect relationship. Just finding a good one is a miracle and God bless those of you that have found it. I am pretty much happy with my life, but sometimes I wonder about things. I guess I just think too much sometimes.
Thanks for reading my post. Dee

ADD42,

All relationships take effort, whether both couples have ADD/HD or not.
They're all comprised of positive and negative..depending upon how much either/both indidviduals are willing to put forth the effort into the relationship.

This isn't judgement on my part..it's just that whatever decision you make has to be made by you.

I, more than anything, advocate understanding and communication, between couples. Whether one or both have ADD/HD.

If they choose to remain as a couple, that is.
If not- that decision is to be made by one/both individuals.

Not by me.

Thanks so much, for your understanding, of what I'm saying. (0:


Nova

Thanks Nova, for taking the time to reply and you are right. It's hard to get him to go but I am trying to get him to continue to go to my physcologist with me. I think we can make some headway there. Oh, and by the way, I love C.S. Lewis. I read the books and when I saw the movie, "The Chronicles of Narnia" and loved it. Dee

I wish you happiness, ADD42.
CS Lewis' perceptions/philosophies resonate with my own too. (0:



Nova

Great Article Nova. Thanks so much for posting this. I am ADD and my husband is ADHD. It makes for an interesting marriage at times, that is for sure. I know that I would not have it any other way through because I know we are able to understand each other and the behaviors.

My rule was always never date anyone crazy. I figured one crazy person in the relationship was enough. Boy, am I glad I broke that rule!

My ADD boyfriend is the best guy I've ever dated, fitwise. I never really feel crazy around him, because his brain is wired so similarly to mine. Rather than amping each other up, we tend to ground and balance each other out. Any arguments we have always end quickly, and with one of us going, "oooh, that does make sense." Hooray for ADD So's!

(Not that I'm, you know, giddy or anything.)

Can we start an ADD dateing website? I want to meet and be with someone who is like me in that way. Just from what all of u are saying I think it would be much easier to deal with when there are two of us iwth it! What do u all think?

Is there such a site out there??

Let me check it out for you. ;)

Look at this old thread I found:

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=520

I've found that being in a relationship with another ADHDer to be really rewarding.

I'm trying to put that idea to the test. I'm hitting on a ADD girl right now.

LOL, I don't think I'd be good at the 8 minute dating thing.... I'd end up saying something like: "Umm.. I kinda like what's-her-name in the red dress..."

ME :D


Look at this old thread I found:

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=520

Interesting idea. What about the "its just lunch" dating idea. I know its big on major cities like Chicago and NY. Anyone heard of it?

Sorry Casper,

I'm like three weeks replying back to your question.

I've checked out 'It's just lunch' and it's ok, but you shell out the moola, and there's no guarantees that it will work out, unless both people like one another, and are willing to make the effort on their own.

Like in real life.

Otherwise you're going to continue shelling out bigger bucks, than your average 'lunch' dates, for just a lunch date.

The eight minutes dating, I did actually participate in, several times, and that's really fun.

Neither 'dating' event, is related to specifically meeting someone with ADD/HD.
They couldn't get away with that.

I know you're a great catch, Casp.
If I was a just a few years younger, I'd relocate, and try and tempt you to take me out, LOL! (0;

Nova

I know what you mean about relationships between two ADDers Nova. I'm so glad you've found your perfect match! You must be in heaven!
What do the two of you like to do together for fun? (PG rated) :p

I posted the article as one for reading in general, Cham. (0;

I'm confused Nova (what else is new! :P ).
You said this -
...While all relationships take effort, in understanding each other's communication style, sensitivity factors, etc., I personally find being in a love relationship with another ADDer to be never boring, the creativity flourishes, the sense of humor is recognized, matched and endless, and the shared empathy/trust is above all, regarded with utter gratitude.

I posted this article because my boyfriend and I are an 'ADHD couple'.
Hope it adds a smile to the faces other ADD couples out there.

Thanks,
Nova

So I was asking about your current boyfriend you mentioned :)

Don't worry, about what's going on with me, Cham. (0;
But I thank you for your interest, nonetheless, as we all chatter on this forum.

I posted the article for ADD/HDers to read, and use it as a tool, to help guide them personally, if they are involved in a personal relationship with another ADD/HDer. If they need the article's guidance, that is.

Some couples do absolutely fine without the aid of this or any article.

The article, itself, wasn't personally about me...

K ?

Maybe if I'm rich and famous one day (yeah right...) an article will be about me, LOL !!!


Peace,

Nova

lol cham i was hopeing for 18rated lol glade for you novea good luck with who ever it is??? wether your add adhd ....LD HD or so meny others its about love at the end ofve the day if you have love trust an frisndship then you have the bascis for a great realtship dorm

Don't worry, about what's going on with me, Cham.
I feel like I've entered Bizarro World again.
I wasn't "worried" about you Nova. I was simply stating my happiness for your great relationship you posted about. No worrying going on there.
I'm very confused where you got that I was "worrying" from what I said.
(0;
But I thank you for your interest, nonetheless, as we all chatter on this forum.

I posted the article for ADD/HDers to read, and use it as a tool, to help guide them personally, if they are involved in a personal relationship with another ADD/HDer. If they need the article's guidance, that is.

Some couples do absolutely fine without the aid of this or any article.

The article, itself, wasn't personally about me...

K ?

Maybe if I'm rich and famous one day (yeah right...) an article will be about me, LOL !!!


Peace,

Nova
I knew the article wasn't about you Nova.
Again, I was commenting on what you posted about your own relationship. If that's off limits for me to reply on, I apologize. But I do think perhaps you shouldn't happily post it publicly here if we're not supposed to congratulate you on it.
Boy am I confused. LOL

Thanks Dorm,

But again, THE ARTICLE, itself, isn't about me.

If anyone, wants to post how the article enhanced their ADD couple-dom, and do so of their own free volition- that's what the purpose of the article is.

lol cham i was hopeing for 18rated lol glade for you novea good luck with who ever it is??? wether your add adhd ....LD HD or so meny others its about love at the end ofve the day if you have love trust an frisndship then you have the bascis for a great realtship dorm
I was simply remarking a polite reply like dormamamau did Nova :)

If anyone, wants to post how the article enhanced their ADD couple-dom, and do so of their own free volition- that's what the purpose of the article is.

Sadly, my ADD couple-dom crashed and burned.
But it was great while it lasted! :D

Thank you Nova, for the article. However, by posting "personal" information in this thread, you open up the thread for comments about which you have posted...not just the article.

??????? what is a cuple -dom???? your coments were fine chammeleon ;.))) dorm

Thanks dorm.
By "couple-dom" we just meant being involved with someone :)

Gotcha (0:


From this point forth, I will only post articles, sans any prelude 'information'.

Thank you so much, Andrew,

QUestion for you on this nova- being a severely ADHD guy that doesnt medicate- would having a non-ADD girlfriend work out, or should I hold out for one that does and/or does understand me and my crazy way of thinking/being? In your opinion that is, or anyone else's for that matter.