View Full Version : Any One Familiar With the “Black Cloud” of Depression


Princess-of-Chaos
02-07-06, 05:26 AM
Hi,

Since I've been taking stimulants, I was not depressed very often.
Now, since Friday, it came back.
Not really in full strength, as I've cried a lot, and when I am really depressed, I can't cry.

I feel as if I had an ice-armor, that I built to protect me, but I froze and was suffocated in it.
It is thawing now, and all the old memories come back. As a child, I never cried because of them. Now, all the tears seem to come out....

How could I live in the "Here and Now" when it begins to hurt so much even when I start to try?
How could I ever accept those memories and that they have taken something from me?
How could I accept I will always struggle with periods of depression and ADD?

Jung said that depression is a "Lady in Black", one should ask her to sit down and tell her story. Well, she opened her bag and let out all those horrible memories.

My therapist (psychodynamic) says, she believes that PTSD is a "fashion-diagnosis", and that it should not be used unless for victims of rape, catastrophes and so on.

But I've read that especially people with ADD and a high IQ are easily and heavily traumatized. There still seems to be a discussion whether being bullied is a trauma or stress.

I fit into the diagnosis of PTSD, I have the symptoms, and although I have worked through all those things over and over in psychodynamic therapy, they remain.

I'd really like to try trauma-therapy, EMDR for example, to see whether this could help me to live with my history.

And for me as a child, being bullied at school, being told at home this was my fault, being seen as weird and unlovable at both places was a catastrophe.
I had no place where I could feel comfortable, I was constantly told I was defective, forced to comply and being laughed at.
And, of cause, I felt incredibly lonely.

Before, I did not see the whole picture. Or I did not understand it emotionally.
Now I do, and the worst of all is that I am way beyond the belief that they were just bad.

I do see which traits of me triggered that behavior.
And I have an incredible hard time to see my responsibility.

It feels as if they were right....

again: how could I ever live with that knowledge?

meadd823
02-07-06, 06:43 AM
I do see which traits of me triggered that behavior.

The bullying??? Well how about the traits that lead the bullies to behave badly. Taunting, threatening, or even hurting some one because of their difference is more dysfunctional than being different!!!

Weather one spaces out or zones out they do NOT deserve to be bullied or intimidated by other children but especially by adults!!!!

You are experiencing the shame the adults that failed to protect you should be feeling.. time to let them carry it for a while!!!!


It feels as if they were right

Because you were taught this extremely warped thinking before you were capable of thinking for your self.... I think of it in terms of ingraining. Ingraining is causing impressions on a child before the child is old enough to have sufficient abilities to think apart from the care givers statements.... ingraining does not equate truth in any stretch of the imagination.


My therapist (psychodynamic) says, she believes that PTSD is a "fashion-diagnosis", and that it should not be used unless for victims of rape, catastrophes and so on.

From this side of the computer I see emotional rape which is a trauma. How long have you been going to this therapist??? She nor her methods seem to be of much value... do you have an option to switch therapist??? Sorry sounds like the one you have sucks!!!!


And for me as a child, being bullied at school, being told at home this was my fault, being seen as weird and unlovable at both places was a catastrophe.

Even you own description describes catastrophe.... from the experiences of one who has been sexually abused it isn't the physical part of the violation that was so devastating to me but the emotional part.

Your emotional rejection by even care givers and no place to feel safe while growing is is equally catastrophic if not more so I was molested by one care giver but not every care giver did this too me nor did the crime last my entire childhood.. it was years but not all of them???

I would rather be molested for several years then spend my entire childhood being rejected by every one! This is why I think you need a different therapist!!!

Some thing in this scenario isn't right and the rejected by parents isn't an ADD issue (not your fault) in this case it is a poor parenting one(parents to blame for how they treated own child you).

My two cents worth!!!!

Princess-of-Chaos
02-07-06, 10:22 AM
Thanks!

Actually, I really want to go to a hospital where it would be possible to learn how to prevent depressive episodes, how to deal with ADD and, most important, to face my traumata.

I experienced "negative intimacy" as well, as my need for privacy and my boundaries were not respected.

I guess there are two big issues:

- The feeling of being unlovable, "condemned to loneliness"

- The experience of not being allowed to want privacy, the guilt to have a need for it, and the shame about the feelings I got when I grew up and realized my father was a man and I a woman.

So I really had no place to go: even the place within myself was not secure.

In "Miss Smillas sense of snow" it is described as being opened.... adults having a look into the child and judging what is within.
In "The Secret" (Eva Hoffman) it is described as being under a microscope.

Both are great books, by the way.

oddjobace
01-31-09, 12:48 PM
I understand your pain. Today I opened a facebook account but did not put any information in it because I don't wan't anyone to know how I have failed as they have predicted.

The teachers told my parents in front of me that I have problems and to not expect a whole lot from him, I've been fighting these words and the self doubt my whole life.

When I look on paper at what I have done in my life it is amazing but in my head I discount all of it.

Logic
04-07-09, 08:50 PM
I can relate not to 'black fog' but to the 'Black Dog' that Winston Churchill described when he referred to his depression.

There's definitely a Black Dog sitting at my feet recently, following me about loyally, not quite tripping me up yet, but is growing more and more present each day.

Logic

pADDyjay
04-07-09, 09:03 PM
I can relate not to 'black fog' but to the 'Black Dog' that Winston Churchill described when he referred to his depression.

There's definitely a Black Dog sitting at my feet recently, following me about loyally, not quite tripping me up yet, but is growing more and more present each day.

Logic I agree with Logic

Tyboulder
04-26-09, 12:50 AM
it's nice just to talk to anyone who understands depression. it can be the loneliest place in the world. no one understands how you feel. music helps me. there are two Elliott Smith songs that i like a lot. "Memory Lane" and "King's Crossing." and there's "Amsterdam / Interlude" by Gabriel and Dresden. music is something to me, i don't know what. To the OP, "being seen as weird and unlovable at both places was a catastrophe." yes, that is pure ****. I've had my own versions of that, though I don't claim to understand yours. I'm sorry though. only you know yourself well enough to understand that that treatment wasn't directed at your true core or your soul, it sounds like a bad combination of environment and circumstance, nothing that *should* be truly taken to heart.