View Full Version : Relationships- All variables


Nova
02-12-06, 08:21 PM
The subject of having Bipolar w/ADHD has been dealt with before on this forum.
I've been reading the archives on here.
What I wanted to know is:

Where does the support lie, in trying to understand those of us, who have Bipolar Disorder w/ADHD ?

Does it lie with the friends, family, spouse/boy/girlfriend to learn about Bipo/ADHD

Does it lie with the individual with Bipo/ADHD ?

Does it lie with both ?

In reading the archives about Bipolar Disorder from 2004-2005, many members showed such wonderful support for one another..so it was wonderful to read the posts.

I'm asking because I've known people who don't want to take the time to understand Bipolar Disorder/ADHD (I have Bipo-2/Rapid Cycle w/ADHD) with family, 'mates' or friends. As on the archives, as it is with the people that it affects...hurt is hurt, when someone doesn't want to take the time to understand someone like 'us'.

So who makes the effort ?
Or is the effort shared ?
Or what if someone even isn't willing to understand but you don't know that yet ? (The old curiosity factor) Then what ?


Thanks,
Nova

whiteraven
02-13-06, 02:33 AM
The subject of having Bipolar w/ADHD has been dealt with before on this forum.
I've been reading the archives on here.
What I wanted to know is:

Where does the support lie, in trying to understand those of us, who have Bipolar Disorder w/ADHD ?
Do you mean the responsibility for understanding? Hmmm... Well, I am always willing to offer information. This hasn't often been received well! :rolleyes: You'd think it was catching...

Does it lie with the friends, family, spouse/boy/girlfriend to learn about Bipo/ADHD
One would think they'd be interested. My husband hasn't wanted to read anything. He listens though. And he comes to get me without complaint when I loose my car keys somewhere between the car and the store. (I now have a magbox with the doorkey in it) I can't think of one other person who has been even slightly interested in learning anything.

Does it lie with the individual with Bipo/ADHD ?
I think it does. Well to try at least. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

Does it lie with both ?
I like to think so. It would be nice if people were interested instead of running away; physically or mentally.
...............

I'm asking because I've known people who don't want to take the time to understand Bipolar Disorder/ADHD (I have Bipo-2/Rapid Cycle w/ADHD) with family, 'mates' or friends. As on the archives, as it is with the people that it affects...hurt is hurt, when someone doesn't want to take the time to understand someone like 'us'.

So who makes the effort ? Someone who cares and isn't scared. I have friends who care and who just don't want to know about it.

Or is the effort shared ? I would like it to be. If someone has a physical handicap, we make an effort to understand their struggle, so that we can make life easier for them even in small ways. Someone in a wheelchair needs their coffee cup low enough to reach. Someone with ADD needs help locating their coffee cup! (I put mine away with the thread once. My co-worker found it for me. It was even filed with the correct colour!:rolleyes:

Or what if someone even isn't willing to understand but you don't know that yet ? (The old curiosity factor) Then what ?
Not sure about this one. Can you clarify the question Nova? Do you mean just lurid curiousity? Tabloid types?

Thanks,
NovaI have a friend with BP. I don't understand her. She doesn't really explain much; gets impatient if I ask questions, like I should know. I would like to understand, but don't get much chance. I asked her if she has books I can read, but she doesn't. Has books on everything else...The only one I've seen in the store was very expensive and not laymanized enough.
Any suggestions about books or other ways to understand better? I never know if she is my friend, or if I am just underfoot.:( Perhaps an ADD-inattentive and a BP are not the best combination as friends. I get too dammed sensitive about stuff.
Thanks

Nova
02-13-06, 02:04 PM
The best place, for starters, is archives on this forum offers a multitude of information that's amazing, that also includes links to sites, WR !
It would be under the heading of Bipolar.

If you want to go on there and just read what other members have written, in regards to how they feel, when it comes to relationships with others...mostly it's the same thing that ADD/HDers feel, except it's not only about inattention spans...it deals with having another chemical imbalance on top of that...that of mood swings and depression.

I was asking those questions because while this forum is educating everyone with ADD/HD...I was just wondering how to deal with some of my other situations.

You know what's really sad...I've had someone who has ADHD, tell me that..my taking Topamax is only for my Temporal Lobe Epilepsy, when I've told them, over and over, that it's also for my Bipo as well...
It's as if by saying that...it'll deny my having Bipo...because to them, it's so awful they don't want to even think about it.
And what that says to me..still..to this day...is that he believes I'm awful for having it.

But by taking the time to try and understand my having Bipo..it might change his perspective on the disorder...on how it's a chemical imbalance as much as having ADHD is. That I don't have any control over my moods any more than his inattention or impulsivity, and the only thing either of us has is any control over, is taking our meds, and continuing psychotherapy.

He understands ADHD because he has it...but he refuses to understand my having Bipo...and is repulsed as well.
Repulsed by me.

His said to me 'Go away freak'

So where does that leave me ?

whiteraven
02-14-06, 02:43 AM
And what that says to me..still..to this day...is that he believes I'm awful for having it.

But by taking the time to try and understand my having Bipo..it might change his perspective on the disorder...on how it's a chemical imbalance as much as having ADHD is. That I don't have any control over my moods any more than his inattention or impulsivity, and the only thing either of us has is any control over, is taking our meds, and continuing psychotherapy.

He understands ADHD because he has it...but he refuses to understand my having Bipo...and is repulsed as well.
Repulsed by me.

His said to me 'Go away freak'

So where does that leave me ?(((hugs)))
He is the freak.

I don't find bi-polar freaky. Why would I? I have a different brain too. One thing about my friend is that she is the only one I know (in the physical world) who has any conception at all of what it is like to be me.

But she doesn't understand why I get upset when she is caring and friendly in person, and then doesn't see me, call me or, apparently, even think about me for months. That hurts somewhat. I tend to care deeply and, I guess, too much about my few friends.

C'est la vie.
whiteraven

ps. Thanks for telling me about the BP area. I will go look there.

william tell
02-14-06, 10:54 PM
Whoa, easy on the insults, when one consoles that does not mean lash out also.

Nova
02-14-06, 11:10 PM
I wonder what the highest dose of Topamax is per day ?

Nova

Nova
02-15-06, 12:19 AM
Thank you sooooooooo much for coming on here with me, WT !!!!!

Nova
02-15-06, 12:31 AM
He's not a freak, Whiteraven.
He's a caring human being and understanding Bipolar Disorder is really hard on everyone.
That's why I'm trying to figure this whole thing out..

You're friend probably does a disappearing act like I do once in a while because she gets depressed..and doesn't want to burden anyone..
Maybe you should give her a call sometime..
She'd probably be so happy to hear from you.

Nova

whiteraven
02-15-06, 02:37 AM
He's not a freak, Whiteraven.
He's a caring human being and understanding Bipolar Disorder is really hard on everyone.
That's why I'm trying to figure this whole thing out..

You're friend probably does a disappearing act like I do once in a while because she gets depressed..and doesn't want to burden anyone..
Maybe you should give her a call sometime..
She'd probably be so happy to hear from you.

Nova
OK, he's not a freak. I apologise.
But that is a really rotten thing to say to anyone for any reason. And it upset me that he said it to you, who I have never seen to be anything but kind. It isn't a caring thing to say, it really isn't. And you can tell him I said so too. If he means something else, then he should improve his communication skills.

I know it is hard to understand BP, I am trying. I do call my friend, all the time, but get uncomfortable when I leave message after message and get no reply. With most people this would be a sign to lose yourself! ;) But, I keep trying because she is my friend and I care about her, unpredictability and all.

Thanks for helping me to have more insight.
take care,
whiteraven

Nova
02-15-06, 03:32 AM
He's my best friend in the world, WR. And I know you were just being protective over me by saying that..but he really is a wonderful person..and to tell you the truth, I've said some pretty horrible things to him when I'm aggravated, and he still sticks around with me..like you do with your friend...

I feel so sad that you're friend doesn't return your calls..I know how helpful you've been to me on here..for ADHD too, not just *down* here (0:
Maybe she'll come around...Whiteraven..
In the meantime..I'm hitting the hey...but thank you for being so supportive..and I'll dig up some information from some sites tomorrow that's fun for a change to post on here (usually the stuff is depressing..and I get bored with depressing stuff)- at least that's one good thing about being an ADDer, LOL! I'll be creative about what I'll post on here !

Nova

Andi
02-16-06, 09:39 AM
Relationships are tricky, no matter what condition you are dealing with and it is very difficult to have the people in your life embrace what you are dealing with. I unfortunately understand what you are going through, Nova. I have more than been there and I have been blessed to have loved oneís that understand and I have been plagued by those that have been in denial. The only insight I can give is be as open and as patient as you can be, share as much information as you possibly can, and relate to them in a manner in which they comprehend. Remind him/her what it was like when they discovered their respective issues and no one would accept/believe in their disorder. How empty, alone, unaccepted, and unappreciated they felt. How much it meant to them to find people that understood or took the time to get to know them and accept them warts and all. How happy and wonderful it made them feel to at last be who they were meant to be and not have to pretend any longer. Iím sure that if you allow them the opportunity to relate through their experiences they might be able to see your perspective and be able to accept your condition more openly.




WR I think itís wonderful that you are taking the time to get to know your friend a little better. There are a lot of wonderful resources here and on the web. Anytime that you wish to get more perspectives, please just ask and Iím sure youíll get a few here :)

Nova
02-16-06, 04:27 PM
Andi,
Your statistics report on the archives is awesome !
I appreciate that you took the time to post it so much !!
And knowing that you, personally, know rapid cycling, helps more than you'll ever realize...


Nova

whiteraven
02-16-06, 09:25 PM
OK...
I am feeling really dumb because I didn't understand where the issue was coming from when I responded to it.
I didn't know that the friend N was talking about was someone here on the forum, and that this post was partly expressing her distress at a comment made, perhaps to bring it out into the open.

You are right WT, it is wrong to use attack to condemn attack. I am learning assertive behaviour right now, and I am not very good at it yet.
I stand by my statement that namecalling isn't right, but it was phrased badly. I will express my opinions more apropriately next time. Thank-you for setting me straight. I am learning and getting better, but it is a slow process.

What I want to say is that I feel caught in the middle of a personal disagreement unknowingly. I wouldn't have wanted to do that, so I am embarassed about it.

whiteraven

Nova
02-16-06, 10:58 PM
I tried to word it my initial post in a general context...sigh..because I wanted to know if it was up to me to constantly provide information for others
(i.e. friends, family,boyfriend or close-coworkers) or if it was up to 'others' to learn more on their own, if they were going to continue being in a relationship with someone who has bipolar disorder...

I'm truly sorry if you feel embarassed WR..and I really appreciate your input and your feelings, and about your friend...and I'm sorry if WT felt slighted about what I said, and about anything else..but the initial post wasn't about slighting him...it was about how I felt..and how difficult it is to have Bipo when people don't understand the disorder.

And that point got lost....sigh again...

Nova

I would appreciate it if the moderators would please close this thread. (0:
I don't have the energy to continue to figure this out right now.

whiteraven
02-18-06, 02:03 AM
I think that this understanding thing may be something we all wrestle with. I know that of the few people that I have chosen to mention my ADD too, about half have had a negative response. They either didn't want to know and chose to forget I'd ever told them, or they vanished.
Of the ones who seemed to accept it and go on, no one has asked for information. I guess that doesn't mean they didn't research, just that I don't know about it.
I've stopped mentioning it, because I didn't like the effect and the effort to try to make myself understood didn't seem to equal the results.

Maybe it is just us oversensitive, hyperfocused types who want to know and understand things about the people we care about? I have friend who became ill suddenly and was hospitalized. By the time I saw him, I had already read about the illness on my computer, so I had some idea what was going on with him. I need to do this. Others don't seem to need to.

I didn't mean to overstress you with my statement Nova. As I said, I am trying to learn to be more... real? To say what I feel instead of withdrawing in confusion. I seem to be pretty rough with it yet. I understand where you were going now, and I think I was being oversensitive. I'm sorry.