View Full Version : Adderall side effect question


sywi
07-10-02, 12:41 PM
Hey, all,


Just found this forum... looks like it will be good.

Anyway, I have a burning -- pun intended -- question: I recently started taking Adderall XR; and while I love the way it works, it is giving me rather nasty stomachaches.

Does anyone know of anything I can do or take that would help with this? Taking it with meals only seems to work partly, I guess because it's extended release...

Thanks in advance,

sywi

Andrew
03-12-03, 09:59 AM
NOTE: This article does NOT necessarily reflect my opinions!

Adderall Side Effects

Adderall is a fairly new drug in the treatment of Attention Deficit Disorder.

Adderall, a “cocktail” mixture of four different amphetamine salts, was first developed about 20 years ago and marketed under the name Obetrol for weight loss and diet control. In 1996 the FDA approved Adderall for unrestricted use for treatment of Attention Deficit Disorder and Adderall is quickly becoming a physician favorite for the treatment of Attention Deficit Disorder in children.

If parents must choice a prescription ADHD medication, Adderall and Adderall XR is generally a better choice for many reasons.

Adderall last about six hours per dose and remains active in the body longer than a dose of Ritalin. This longer acting dose alleviates the need for school day dosing but will interfere with sleep if taking the Adderall medication in the afternoon or evening hours.

Adderall side effects are also often less harsh than Ritalin’s. Many patients report less “peaks and valleys” than Ritalin and less of a drop off (withdrawal) than Ritalin. Ritalin also tends to cause more stomach discomfort and tends to produce more moodiness than Adderall.

But, all Attention Deficit Disorder medication - Adderall included - has potentially harmful side effects. Adderall is an amphetamine that works on children in the same way amphetamines work on adults. Children are subject to the same adverse Adderall side effects as adults using amphetamines, with the most common amphetamine and Adderall side effects being loss of appetite, weight loss and insomnia.

In most cases, the Adderall side effects are mild but some Adderall side effects, though rare, are life threatening. Parents need to be clear about the benefits of Adderall medication as well as the potential Adderall side effects of using these drugs before choosing to place their child on prescription ADHD medication.

Adderall medication can be helpful in the short term in controlling Attention Deficit Disorder symptoms but many doctors feel the potential Adderall side effects should be carefully weighed before prescribing drugs like Adderall medication.

Common Adderall side effects include:

- loss of appetite
- weight loss
- insomnia
- headache
- dizziness

Other Adderall side effects include:

- nervousness
- irritability
- over stimulation
- restlessness
- unpleasant taste
- dry mouth
- nausea
- stomach pain
- diarrhea or constipation
- euphoria
- feelings of suspicion and paranoia
- addiction
- tolerance (constant need to raise the dose)

The following, though rare, have also been reported as Adderall side effects:

- Phonetic tics
- high blood pressure
- rapid pulse rate, elevated blood pressure
- increased heart rate
- hallucinations
- Tourette's syndrome
- cardiomyopathy
- if similarities to Ritalin hold, Adderall abuse can result in death

No one experiences Adderall side effects in exactly the same way. Parents should immediately alert their child’s doctor to any Adderall side effects experienced.

Fruit juices can lower absorption of Adderall. Alkalinizing agents such as Diamox heighten the absorption of Adderall medication. Thorazine, lithium, and Haldol can decrease the effects of Adderall medication. Tricyclic antidepressants may increase their levels when taken with Adderall medication.

Parents should note that serious, even fatal, Adderall medication interactions can occur if Adderall is taken with MAO Inhibitors.

Amphetamines like Adderall can impair judgment and the ability to engage in potentially hazardous activities like operating machinery, vehicles and sports participation.

Adderall medication has a high potential for Adderall abuse as well as addiction.

Amphetamines like Adderall should be administered at the lowest effective dosage and dosage should be individually adjusted to avoid Adderall abuse and harmful Adderall side effects.

When possible, Adderall medication should be stopped occasionally to determine if there is sufficient need for continued Adderall medication therapy.

It should also be noted that Adderall medication is not recommended for children under 5 years of age since safety and effectiveness has not been established in this age group.

ADDERALL ABUSE

Adderall is a reformulated version and close cousin of the ADHD medication Dexedrine. Dextroamphetamine (Adderall, Dexedrine) is classified as Schedule II controlled substance, a classification given to medical drugs with the highest abuse potential and dependence profile.

Drug Enforcement Agency data on methylphenidate (Ritalin, Conceta) and amphetamine (Dexedrine, Adderall) shows that both have high abuse liabilities. These substances are powerful stimulants and Adderall abuse, along with Ritalin abuse, is extensive.

Adderall abuse can lead to marked tolerance, escalation in Adderall dosages and addiction. Although the majority of Adderall abuse cases cited pertain to adults, case studies also profile adolescents who abuse their Adderall medication.

Other Adderall abuse reports students selling their Adderall medication to friends and schoolmates. Because Dextroamphetamine (street name “dexies”) can have a retail value in the high school parking lot, doctors often avoid prescribing Adderall medication to teenagers.

Individuals respond differently to Adderall medication levels and dosages. While toxic overdose symptoms are rare with doses of less than 15 mg, toxic Adderall xr symptoms occasionally occur at Adderall medication doses as low as 5 mg.

Methylphenidate (Ritalin, Concerta) and amphetamine (Dexedrine, Adderall) abuse produce behavioral and psychological effects similar to cocaine. The Adderall side effects of Adderall abuse include marked aggression and irritability, hyperactivity, and personality changes.

Abruptly stopping Adderall after prolonged high dosage Adderall abuse results in extreme fatigue and mental depression. The most severe, though rare, Adderall side effects of Adderall abuse is psychosis. This Adderall abuse side effect is often clinically indistinguishable from schizophrenia.

Long-term methylphenidate and amphetamine use has also been linked to abnormalities in brain development, similar to those found with long-term cocaine use. Changes on the sleep EEG are also noted with Adderall abuse.

It is natural for parents to question whether taking a powerful stimulant like Adderall medication is in their child's best interests. Amphetamine stimulants like Adderall are worrisome for many reasons – predominately because of the potential for harmful Adderall side effects and high potential for Adderall abuse.

Source:
Attention Deficit Disorder Help Center (http://www.add-adhd-help-center.com/adderall_side_effects.htm)

PrettyPerfect
03-13-03, 09:42 PM
except for dry mouth I take 240 mg of adderall a day and do fine on it. the xr i did not like. so i stuck to regular adderall.

PrettyPerfect
03-13-03, 09:43 PM
oh yeah i forgot citric acid makes it not work well so does vitamin c fruit juices etc.

atomx
04-07-03, 08:22 PM
240mg?!?! Isn't that like... a HUGE dose?

Kates314
07-23-03, 01:56 PM
I too get stomach upsets, I feel nausea and get sick a lot from adderall xr...I thought it was just me! Have you found any ways to cope with this?

nscott
08-13-03, 12:14 AM
You must be either mistaken on your dosage, or are overdosing on a daily basis. I take a larger amount of AdderallXR per day (25mg 2x daily) and I know that that is a very high dosage. Any more than that, I become jumpy, sweaty, my heart starts racing, pounding headaches, my face and ears flush bright red, and I get dizzy. While doeses in excess of 250mg are not necessarily fatal in most cases, I question the "Doctor" who is perscribing you that kind of dosage for attention defecit dissorder.

Furthermore, after a certain amount of the substance, your deplete the stored up dopamine in your system, so there is technically no benefit to taking a higher dosage.

PrettyPerfect
08-29-03, 04:06 AM
oh i know the psycho doctor did have me on 240 and There were some problems
but i have switched doctors and am on 120 mg of regular adderall

InattentiveType
08-29-03, 09:21 AM
I get severe stomach pains occasionally with my morning dose. My wife gives me my first dose when she gets up for work. I have her do this to get a head start on my incredibly long wake up routine.

The stomach pain doesn't happen everyday, seems like once or twice a week.

Anyway I never get it with later doses, so I'm positive it's simply an issue on an empty stomach. Try taking it with food. That should help.

Margreet
08-29-03, 04:15 PM
I'm taking 10 mg Adderall XR twice a day, and other than elevating my blood pressure a bit, I haven't noticed other side effects. Without it, I'm in an Inattentive muddled fog. With it, I'm more awake, alert, and present. I've grown kinda fond of the stuff, myself.

Wait a minute, I did have headaches at first, but that stopped in a week or two.

Margreet.

LiLMissADDitude
08-30-03, 06:42 PM
Prettyperfect: 120mg per day of regular adderall is 3 times the highest dose prescribed daily for ADD. The max dose is 40mg daily and doctors RARELY prescribe more than that. (Unless it is Adderall XR) They might prescribe 10mg more than 40 and the MOST would be 60mg, and that would be 20mg over suggested daily allowence. Are you sure youre taking adderall??

PrettyPerfect
09-02-03, 12:46 PM
yes im positively sure . I was on a much higher dose before . I have extremely severe ADHD .

PrettyPerfect
09-02-03, 12:48 PM
60 mg is the reccomended daily dose by the fda by the way

LiLMissADDitude
09-02-03, 01:22 PM
Oh ya, then how come the book says 40.

P.S. The dose you need to take does not really depend on how severe your ADHD is. If it was that severe they would have you on more than one med instead of just giving you an unimaginable high dose of a stim. So..... I dont know what to say to you.. either you have a bad doctor or......................nm

LiLMissADDitude
09-02-03, 01:35 PM
I said the top recomended dose for ADD is 40mg. Just as stated in my earlier post doctors will sometimes take the dose up to 60mg, but that is still higher than the recomended daily amount of adderall for ADD. And that exactly what I said earlier.

The top recomended dose for NARCOLEPSY is 60mg! Do you have narcolepsy P?? We are talking ADHD here, not sleep disorders.

Andrew
09-02-03, 01:59 PM
I think its important to note that FDA guidelines are just that, guidelines. ADD is very much an individual "experience". Each person has their own levels of ADD symptoms and "severity". Each person also has different brain chemistry and construction.

What does all this amount to? For each person, different meds and dosages will be necesary to acheive an "optimum level of performance". That can vary dramatically.

FlakeyGirl
01-04-04, 12:22 PM
I know this post is pretty old but, I gotta say...I doesn't look like anyone mentioned that with decreased appetite, just eating a little something may take care of your stomachache.

Penultimate
01-25-04, 10:58 PM
Eating always works for me. Take it with breakfast.

see7towers
02-04-04, 12:10 AM
yep , That's what I did when I started Adderall Xr , I always made sure I had a bananna , yogart , apple , anything small that I could eat ..
My pain came from empty stomach with lots of air inside ..

BenFoldsNerd
12-06-04, 11:21 AM
I've noticed that if I take my Adderall with food, it doesn't work... and I'm making sure to stay away from citric acid. Does anyone know why this happens? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Julie

limodriver
11-12-05, 03:25 AM
I take 10mg of XR and they are blue capsules now. I thought they were green, maybe a higher dose. Will have to ask my Dr. I thought I could go without but it definately makes a difference.

hibby
10-20-06, 08:03 AM
I just wanted to thank everyone here for all the wonderfull information you give!! My seven year old son was recently diagnosed and put on 10 mg of Adderall XR daily and I was told by the doctor NOT to tell his teacher that he was being medicated, he wanted an unbiased meter of whether or not this was working. So far, her entries in his journal have been a bit more positive, although not a miracle cure, he is doing better in class. The only side effect I notice is that he seems very emotional, yesterday his teacher noted that he was "weepy and teary", has anyone else experienced this with Adderall XR? He also had a terrible headache last night, the water hitting his head in the shower was almost intolerable! I do appreciate any response.

Momofadder
10-20-06, 08:54 AM
I just wanted to thank everyone here for all the wonderfull information you give!! My seven year old son was recently diagnosed and put on 10 mg of Adderall XR daily and I was told by the doctor NOT to tell his teacher that he was being medicated, he wanted an unbiased meter of whether or not this was working. So far, her entries in his journal have been a bit more positive, although not a miracle cure, he is doing better in class. The only side effect I notice is that he seems very emotional, yesterday his teacher noted that he was "weepy and teary", has anyone else experienced this with Adderall XR? He also had a terrible headache last night, the water hitting his head in the shower was almost intolerable! I do appreciate any response.My sson who is 14 just had his adderal xr increased from 15mg to 20mg and the difference is well not good. He is very sullen, distant, almost depressed on it. His Dr. said this probably is not the medicine doing this as he is in a very moody age. I did an experiment with him and gave him the 15's again for 2 days and he was better. So.....I think it is the adderal at the higher dose. Anyone else?
Momofadder

kristinabela
11-08-06, 04:22 PM
I've been on adderall for 7 years now and i'm only 20. i do not recommend taking adderall AT ALL. stop your children from taking it now. it's biologically incredibly bad for you, not to mention the fact that dependence and abuse is inevitable. doctors say that if adderall is taken properly it's effects are minimal. come on now, i don't know anyone who takes it properly. the most common drug adderall is related to is cocaine...how does that make you feel about what you're doing to your brain? also, don't you think the irony here about addiction and adderall's cousin, cocaine, is undeniable? my advice for you mothers is to keep your children away from this substance until their brains have had a chance to develop properly. at the young age of 10, or even 15, the brain is still very much developing and it is common for children, especially males, to exhibit "ADHD/ADD-like" behavior. come on yall, that's what little boys are like. also, changing brain chemical levels at these young ages has significant implications on one's further neurological development. this is a proven fact. since this is a fairly new drug, the long term effects of it aren't documented. however, a raised blood pressure and increased heart is a huge deal. i can't believe i've done this to my body for so long. now if i don't take it i feel terrible and can barely get out of bed. it's so unhealthy to rely on a stimulant this powerful for everyday functioning. i regret ever taking adderall.

your children will become dependent on this drug and that is something you really don't want them to have to deal with. i understand that your doctor prescribed him the drug but you should really consider the serious issues that taking this drug implies. i find it interesting that it has come off the market in canada....don't you? i wonder how long it will take for america to take it off as well.

jennyjay
11-08-06, 06:46 PM
I am on 80 mg a day of regular adderall. Does that make me a freak?:p

QueensU_girl
11-08-06, 08:00 PM
re: #24

These are not research-based claims. (I studied Neuroscience at University with a top dopamine researcher's team.)

In fact --
Children who do not take ADHD meds during Childhood (like me) have a higher risk of becoming addicted to substances as Adults.

--> Nicotine abstinence is still a constant and daily struggle for me.

I wish I'd been diagnosed & on MEDS as a kid. :) I might have done better academically and socially. Maybe my future would not look so bleak, career-wise.

I think it is quite arrogant and dangerous of you to generalize that b/c Adderall was wrong for you, ERGO it must be wrong for everyone.

That is not logical.

--------------------------
I am sorry to hear about your heart and BP problems and withdrawal depression.

This situation must be so very hard for you. And i appreciate your attempt to warn other people about Adderall causing cardiomegaly and hypertension. [eg higher doses when combined with other risk factor can do this, IIRC] They are valid concerns.

Doctors prescribing Adderall are supposed to monitor Blood Pressure and do EKGs for monitoring the heart's status.

If your Doctor did not do this, it is not fair to deny the rest of us our medication. I think people need to understand that NOT TAKING MEDICATION can threaten our lives, too.

-------------------------------

Something to think about:

We can be injured in car accidents, slip and fall (done that), burn ourselves, lose our ID (done that), lose our jobs (done that), and fail in school (done that), due to this 'disorder'. Those situations threaten my ability to support myself, house myself, earn a living and basically function in life, which threatens my ability to survive, too.

My own Doctor seems to check my BP at every other app't, and I have had 2 EKGs at the lab/hospital, so far along.

I sincerely hope you get your situation figured out.

marajade
11-16-06, 10:53 AM
I've been on adderall for 7 years now and i'm only 20. i do not recommend taking adderall AT ALL. stop your children from taking it now. it's biologically incredibly bad for you, not to mention the fact that dependence and abuse is inevitable. doctors say that if adderall is taken properly it's effects are minimal. come on now, i don't know anyone who takes it properly. the most common drug adderall is related to is cocaine...how does that make you feel about what you're doing to your brain? also, don't you think the irony here about addiction and adderall's cousin, cocaine, is undeniable? my advice for you mothers is to keep your children away from this substance until their brains have had a chance to develop properly. at the young age of 10, or even 15, the brain is still very much developing and it is common for children, especially males, to exhibit "ADHD/ADD-like" behavior. come on yall, that's what little boys are like. also, changing brain chemical levels at these young ages has significant implications on one's further neurological development. this is a proven fact. since this is a fairly new drug, the long term effects of it aren't documented. however, a raised blood pressure and increased heart is a huge deal. i can't believe i've done this to my body for so long. now if i don't take it i feel terrible and can barely get out of bed. it's so unhealthy to rely on a stimulant this powerful for everyday functioning. i regret ever taking adderall.

your children will become dependent on this drug and that is something you really don't want them to have to deal with. i understand that your doctor prescribed him the drug but you should really consider the serious issues that taking this drug implies. i find it interesting that it has come off the market in canada....don't you? i wonder how long it will take for america to take it off as well.please get your facts straight.

firstly, it has been put back on the market in canada.

second, it's not a cousin of cocaine, you're thinking of ritalin.

also, i can name one person that takes their dose how they're supposed to, and then some. i've even lowered my dose and i've been on the same exact dose for 2 years now, after about a year of messing with it trying to figure out what was good for me.

sure, i have raised bp because of it, but it's not anything incredibly serious and nothing to fret about at the moment. i'd rather have raised bp than live my life how i used to before adderall.

again, please get your facts straight and stop quoting from books and magazine articles that you've read that seem like they're funded directly by the church of scientology.

if you're going to criticize it, at least do your homework and get up-to-date and correct data.

hibby
03-04-07, 12:10 AM
Upped his dosage to 15 mg daily, 10 seemed to "lose effect" (?) but 15, omg, that was bad........I am glad to hear that Adderall XR is helping others, but for my kid it was not good at all! Currently trying another route, behavioral therapy and DHA and while not drastic and immediate results, at least he isn't sullen and moody and he is eating again! The Adderall gave him bad headaches and pain in various parts of his body, just too many negatives. I pray we all find the help we all need, for us the Adderall just didn't do it.

rebx
04-03-07, 03:57 AM
60 mg is usually the highest amount insurance will cover. I have known people who were prescribed a very large dosage, like 200 and up, even a girl who was put on 80mg as her initial dose. So yes, many people take insanely high dosages. Adderall works different for different people. And while its disgusting on the doctors part (especially if the dosage has been upped to that due to the patient building a high tolerance) it is not unheard of, so chill out.

justhope
04-03-07, 11:26 AM
60 mg is usually the highest amount insurance will cover.Don't think that is the case everywhere? I think that is a broad statement?


I have known people who were prescribed a very large dosage, like 200 and up, even a girl who was put on 80mg as her initial dose. So yes, many people take insanely high dosages.
I haven't heard of anyone putting someone on 80mg right from the start, or anyone on 200mg? You have some statistics to back these very broad statments up? or was this one random incident that you are aware of?

We like to use them for reference we can review for ourselves?

Adderall works different for different people.Yes I agree.



And while its disgusting on the doctors part (especially if the dosage has been upped to that due to the patient building a high tolerance) it is not unheard of,
Is there something to reference this info so we can all review it?


so chill out.And the reason ADDF is here, is to "support" people and offer our experiences to help them with thiers. Who you are telling to chill out?

In the early stages of diagnoses, of ourselves or family members while, a relief to some degree, its still very difficult, going through the normal search for medications and treatments, that are a good balance if often, long , tedious, and frustrating. ADDF was designed for all of us to offer support, and get support.

Hibby , there are many meds out there. Adderall XR works great for me, But Concerta didn't, Focalin didn't ? But I never gave up. It takes time and is frustrating, but you will find something that works for your son. :)

MikeB
04-03-07, 01:09 PM
60 mg is usually the highest amount insurance will cover.
Insurance companies do vary but I believe it is more often the case that the quantity per timeframe is considered over the dosage mg. It's an expense decision not a medical one. I've taken 75mg for some time now and it has been paid without question by 2 different insurance companies over the last 3-4 years.

75mg can be:
25mg X 3 per day for 30days at price bracket A. 90*A =$
15mg X 5 per day for 30days at price bracket B. 150*B =$$


And while its disgusting on the doctors part (especially if the dosage has been upped to that due to the patient building a high tolerance) it is not unheard of, so chill out.
If you are suggesting it is disgusting that doctors simply cash their patients check and prescribe whatever dosage they are asked for then I agree with you.. Otherwise, people need help, if a person's body chemistry and metabolism warrant a higher dose and the doctor is actually monitoring their status and activity then that's what they're there for...



:D
--MikeB

rebx
04-03-07, 02:14 PM
oh no not everywhere, I'm sorry I meant to say that. The people that I am speaking of are people i know personal, so I dont have any evidence of this. I was responding to a post made by a women whom said she takes 120 mg, and the response posts by people insinuating she didnt know what she talking about and that doctors wouldnt prescribe that much (with no data backing it up). I was just saying that a high mg is prescribed. I have no evidence of the doctor prescribing 80 mg the first visit, besides seeing the written rx in person. But I will look for some kind of data on the topic.

rebx
04-03-07, 02:21 PM
No, I mean its disgusting of doctors on the money issue, and also not maybe trying to figure out an alternative, a different medication of something. I mean, how long can you just keep getting your mg upped? You can hurt your body, and if a doctor just ups it and kicks you out like an assembly line, they are not helping you they are just giving you a quick and easy solution.

MikeB
04-03-07, 05:53 PM
That is very true.. at some point an alternative needs to be tried rather than just upping and upping the dosage..


The people commenting on the >200mg would have to be taking over 6 capsules per day and getting 180 per month. I would want to switch to something else just for that reason alone..

jittery guy
04-07-07, 05:52 PM
please get your facts straight.

firstly, it has been put back on the market in canada.

second, it's not a cousin of cocaine, you're thinking of ritalin.

also, i can name one person that takes their dose how they're supposed to, and then some. i've even lowered my dose and i've been on the same exact dose for 2 years now, after about a year of messing with it trying to figure out what was good for me.

sure, i have raised bp because of it, but it's not anything incredibly serious and nothing to fret about at the moment. i'd rather have raised bp than live my life how i used to before adderall.

again, please get your facts straight and stop quoting from books and magazine articles that you've read that seem like they're funded directly by the church of scientology.

if you're going to criticize it, at least do your homework and get up-to-date and correct data.
i have stopped taking this med for two weeks before and never had a twinge so u madame are wrong.:soapbox:

Faylen
04-08-07, 09:52 AM
You know, anecdotal references are never enough to prove anything. If every drug that caused a couple of people some problems or didn't work the way they were supposed to were taken off the market, we wouldn't even have painkillers. Aspirin, Tylenol, NSAIDs, have all been abused, have all had consequences for small numbers of people, and have all caused death or organ failure. My mother is permanently disabled because of a cholesterol-lowering drug that has been a lifesaver for my best friend's husband. Because of this, she's taking, without consequence, a painkiller that is very difficult to obtain because so many people brought suit against the manufacturer because it caused heart attacks. Go figure. The individual stories could be used either to take either of these medications off the market OR encourage their further use.

The reason there are so many different medications to treat the same conditions is that we all have individual genetic and chemical makeups that affect how we respond to the medications. If a medication has been shown to help a majority of people with side-effects within a safe range, it means that lots of people can use it safely to treat the condition it was designed to treat. If one or two people get no effect or bad side effects, it doesn't mean that the drug is a bad one that shouldn't be prescribed, it means that those one or two people should be using something different, not that it should be universally villified and taken off the market.

jawglasswell
04-08-07, 10:11 AM
60 mg is usually the highest amount insurance will cover. I have known people who were prescribed a very large dosage, like 200 and up, even a girl who was put on 80mg as her initial dose. So yes, many people take insanely high dosages. Adderall works different for different people. And while its disgusting on the doctors part (especially if the dosage has been upped to that due to the patient building a high tolerance) it is not unheard of, so chill out.
my doctor prescribed me to 90mg XR a day and my insurance covers it. co-pay on 3 a day. pretty awesome.

Koodude
04-18-08, 04:29 PM
except for dry mouth I take 240 mg of adderall a day and do fine on it. the xr i did not like. so i stuck to regular adderall.



Oh thank god... i have been desperately trying too find someone else whos taking 240 mg or more of adderall a day. Everywhere i go on the net i see people saying "90 mg a day? thats ALOT too be taking!". I can finally stop bein scurred. :D

steve77
05-11-08, 03:01 PM
The tolerence builds up fast..........when i started on 5 mg of aderall xr daily 2 years ago, i was in heaven, my lifetime depresiion finally broke and could think clearly and look at my old textbooks from school and thought " how could i have not understood this?

2 years later my prescribed dose of 80mg does not do a thing.....and would call myself close to addiction, ive taken as much as 600 mg in a day just to get that blissful clear state again............wish i never started.