I am starting to think my ADD husband is looking for me to set boundries for him. He doesn't do anything around the house unless I ask him to, but he says he wants to help. I know he can't remember to do things, so I remind him in the way he asked me to (every other day plus a note on the fridge, because he says it is better if he knows it's coming), yet he'll usually not do it and if he does, he'll do a crappy job.

Take lawn mowing, mid-week I'll say "will you mow the lawn this weekend", to which he replies OK". I'll say it again Friday night, will you mow the lawn while I sweep and vacuum, and then we can play after?" and he will say sure, good plan... and the same thing again Saturday morning, then I'll go to do it after I finish up my housework, and he'll say "Leave it, I'll do it Monday after you go to work" (because he works from home) and by the following weekend it takes twice as long to cut because it's a week overdue.

I just went out of town for work for a week, and he didn't do a thing other that half a load of dishes. He didn't even scoop the cat box (ICK!!). It occured to me that he is pushing me so that I will say "enough, these are the rules"! I don't have children, but I have heard that kids want limits, and will test and push till they get them, does anyone else do this or does anyone else's SO do this? I hate to do it, I feel like he is disrespecting me by not participating around the house, but I do know that he doesn't think the way I do and probably isn't intending to disrespect me. HELP!!!

That's a tough call. I have ADHD and know that I need the boundaries and support of the multiple reminders and knowing that there is the pressure to get something done. If I don't have pressure to get it done, it never, or rarely, happens. This even happens for things I like to do!

However, I am not your husband, and he is probably the only one who can tell you what he is looking for.

I don't know if that's ALL the ADHD. You just described my husband almost perfectly and I know he doesn't have it.

It sounds like structure and reminders are also helpful to him. It's not fair to you that you have to be responsible to be the one to remind him. And if for some reason you can't be there to remind him and set the structure he doesn't get things done. Maybe together the two of you can come up with system that works for him and is also fair to you.

LOL!! I have this same problem with my BF and I'm the one with ADD not him!

Personally, I don't think it is good for my relationship for me to be the mother always spoiling his fun by bringing up what he needs to do!
We posted a list on the office door (it might help to put it somewhere he goes everyday like the computer) that lists the things that together we decided he was generally responsible for. I have one for me too. This way he has a way to see it an organized format what must be done around the house.
Also, you said he works from home. There are a number of reminder type programs that you can download and they will pop up and remind you of things on a weekly, byweekly or even hourly basis! This way you don't have to be the bad guy and things might even get done when you are away from home!! IMAGINE!! Okay that might be pushing it but you get my drift....
He may want you to set boundaries and this may be an extention of what he recieved from his parents. He's pushing the envelope to see where you stand and what you'll do. If you can find a way to get him to realize that he needs to SET his own boundaries like: things he needs to do in order to be a productive and helpful spouse, things that need to get done so that the woman he loves doesn't spend all her free time stressing over housework.....
It would help if he constructed his own motivation and this will help him in other areas of his life.

It would help if he constructed his own motivation and this will help him in other areas of his life.
I think that could help all of us... :) But good points, thanks!