I am having such a hard time with my husband's diagnosis for ADD. We have been married for 4 years now and i have suspected there was something "wrong" for years now. I knew his Mom was ADD and started looking up symptoms sure enough they were describing him. I really don't know how to describe how I feel. i should be happy right? Glad that I "pushed" him into this diagnosis? Nope, I'm actually quite sad. Does this mean I will always have another child for a husband? Does this mean that his forgetfulness will never improve? What about our kids? Do they have it too? We have 3 boys. (one is mine from a previous marriage), the two youngest are ages 2 and 9 months.

What about me? I didn't sign up for this or bargain for it and it's taken me a LONG time to find a group where I can post and vent MY feelings. I know we married for better or for worse. But ADD is hard to deal with. I have never in my life felt more rejected, and hurt than by him. I used to just think he was thoughtless and self centered and lazy (did I say that?).

Thanks for lett me vent
Rikki

Welcome Rikki... as a husband with ADD myself, I sympathize for what you are going through as I put my poor wife through a lot of the same... :(

Feel free to come back here and talk any time you like... there are others in your situation as well, maybe you can help each other out, or we can give you insights into your husband, etc...

Originally posted by rdo801
I am having such a hard time with my husband's diagnosis for ADD. We have been married for 4 years now and i have suspected there was something "wrong" for years now. I knew his Mom was ADD and started looking up symptoms sure enough they were describing him.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, eh? sometimes not.

I really don't know how to describe how I feel. i should be happy right? Glad that I "pushed" him into this diagnosis? Nope, I'm actually quite sad.

There are lots of things we don't sign up for. I am ADHD and I didn't even sign up for it! My wife has tuned up having chronic pain to the extent that it is very painful to have the lightest touch. You can follow the other ramifications of that.... I'm not saying it isn't "worse" rather than better. It just is.

Does this mean I will always have another child for a husband?

No. but it takes some work on both your parts to learn how to discriminate adults vs. children differently and better.

Does this mean that his forgetfulness will never improve?

Mostly, probably.

But effective reminder systems can vastly reduce the impact of "the same bad memory."

My dog waits more pateintly than i do, and remembers more.

He tells me when to go to bed. He doesn't nag, but he tells me once. Then it is MY adult responsibility to chose to go to bed, or to chose to stay up. It takes some practice learning to take advantage of your dog telling you to go to bed. I'd suggest the same to you... that is, don't nag, remind once and drop it. just make sure he understands this is his one and only reminder, unless he makes special arrangements for another, and they or you freely AGREE to take on another reminder.

Then just don't be cruel. don't remind him of four things at once (one at at time please) and make him "wait" to do any of them... he can't remember. That doesn't make sense. remind him of things at appropriate times for doing them. Then let him do them at that time.

When you have an internal timer but the bell doesn't ring, it makes it impossible to rely on that. So relying on other extenal things is required and LEARNING to rely on them is a skill to be learned and an expectation to be changed, on everyone's part. his and yours.



What about our kids?

You have to wait and see. I don't know a better answer to that one.

Do they have it too? We have 3 boys. (one is mine from a previous marriage), the two youngest are ages 2 and 9 months.

What about me?

Exactly.

There are "a number larger than one" of people in my life who have drug/alcohol related issues, some in recovery, others perhaps not. Al-anon is a group that helps people explore in a safe, unhurried, open accepting way the answer to that question. What about me? I recommend it to you.

Or one of the related organizations like Co-Dependents anonymous.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

http://www.codependents.org/



I didn't sign up for this or bargain for it and it's taken me a LONG time to find a group where I can post and vent MY feelings.

The most active people on the board are sometimes the ADD or ADHD, but the others are here as well. Stick around, post some more and they will see your posts and respond.

I know we married for better or for worse. But ADD is hard to deal with.

A contractual obligation is hardly a way to sustain a relationship, is it?

I have never in my life felt more rejected, and hurt than by him.

Then this is an opportunity to understand those pains in a different light. In truth, the meaning you associate to many of the ADHD things he does are your error, not his, and under your control, not his. What he does is his responsibility, and geting supports to meet his obligations would be his responsibility, but how you feel about his inabilities actuall HAPPENING in real life is something that goes on inside you. It is why going to one of those two groups above would be useful to you.

They are people who are dealing with someone else's problems and behaviors that are hard to deal with.

I used to just think he was thoughtless and self centered and lazy (did I say that?).

But that really isn't where to leave it anymore.

If you really wnat to push the point and ignore what medication and therapy might be able to provide in help, it is hopeless, he won't ever be "cured" of ADD.

But it is hopeful, because, witout any medications or therapy you now have the opportunity to NOT misunderstand what happens and take pain from it. You have the choice to understand it differently and NOT be hurt. All of that is in your control regardless of what else happens.

Thanks for lett me vent
Rikki

I hope you wanted a response too.

I hope that helps.

Going to those groups a bunch of times really will help, because you hear real stories of real people and begin to understand where various people are on their walk and where you are too. And you discover that the unacceptable need not be accepted, and the unimaginable is sometimes real anyway, and what a relief!

Good luck, and keep coming back.

AD/HD is a Challenge for the person who has it and those who are around the ADDer. Hopefully in time you can all learn ways to manage AD/HD. Remember things do take times though.

It's great that you are here looking for support and to learn more about AD/HD.

You might also want to think about joining groups like ADDA http://www.add.org and CHADD http://www.chadd.org. Both groups are beginning to offer more and more support to non-ADD partners too.

hi! i've wanted to talk to a non-add partner for a long time, just anyone anyone who can understand how crazy it gets when ur sig. other has add. in my case my bf of 4 years who i just realized like a month ago has a severe case of add. he drives me nuts. a lot of times i think he is selfish, uncaring, not listening, and just plain mean. i dont know which symptoms are him and which ones are because of ADD but i feel like he doesnt understand me and he's driven me up the wall and crazy and pressure and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! im going nuts too.

glad to meet another non-ADD partner. phew. i understand.

welcome as well tranquilgirl, sorry to hear you are also going through the same trouble...

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am working my hardest on getting educated on this and learning to separate personality from ADD as well. I'm also working on getting off my pity pot and taking a proactive approch to this. Its hard letting go of expectations in a relationship and maybe that's why I have been stuck. My idea of a marraige wasn't this, but I'm open to creating a new idea and trying it out for a while. Something has to work. I love him and want this to work.

Rikki

Originally posted by rdo801
Thank you everyone for your replies.

I am working my hardest on getting educated on this and learning to separate personality from ADD as well.

I'm also working on getting off my pity pot and taking a proactive approch to this.

Its hard letting go of expectations in a relationship and maybe that's why I have been stuck.

My idea of a marraige wasn't this, but I'm open to creating a new idea and trying it out for a while.

Something has to work.

I love him and want this to work.

Rikki

Being the ADHD spouse, I'd better recuse myself from much further comment, and leave you to working with those who share you delima more exactly.

In parting, I'd like to say that you are on the right track.

I'd encourage you to retain, rather than release some parts of your expectations: the expectation of sharing lives as they are, meeting challenges that are unwelcomed, and suffering the consequences of your own and others choices can build a bond of deep friendship.

"The path toward oneself is never away from the pain." Gunter Grass, The Tin Drum.

I have actually taken comfort in that rather than feeding depression.

It means to me that it is NOT my job to insure for myself and those I love, a trouble free existance, but to deal with those things that greive me, to allow myself to be present and touched by what happens to me and to others, and sometimes, just some times, the thing to remember is:

"Don't just do something, sit there!"

We are I think, at heart, "human beings" not "human doings."

Peace.

Originally posted by rdo801
Its hard letting go of expectations in a relationship...My idea of a marraige wasn't this, but I'm open to creating a new idea and trying it out for a while.

Rikki,

I think this is the very heart of relationship issues with ADDers & Non-ADDers. Throughout the dating process, and throughout the first months/year of marriage, the relationship was "new", and newlyweds are still in the "enthralled" stage of marriage. Soon after, the relationship is no longer "New & exciting", and the ADDer goes back to their pre-relationship patterns (which you most likely never saw during dating, and didn't see until after the "honeymoon" phase was over).

I'm an ADDer, and my wife is a Non-ADDer, who, to this day, has very defined and specific expectations about what she expects from our marriage. Those include my returning back to "what I used to be" before we married. It certainly doesn't help this ADDer's self esteem issues to hear my wife tell me how she wishes I was this way, or why can't I be like that.

Hopefully, one day, my wife will want to work with me on building on a relationship that takes into consideration who I really am.

Rikki,

Hang in there, and have patience. As trying as it has been for you, it will be equally trying for your significant other to try and meet you half way.

Originally posted by BIG


<snip>

Hopefully, one day, my wife will want to work with me on building on a relationship that takes into consideration who I really am.

Rikki,

Hang in there, and have patience. As trying as it has been for you, it will be equally trying for your significant other to try and meet you half way.

I haven't posted here for a long time. I am a non-ADD partner, married almost ten years and I have to comment on the above.

I agree that compromise and hard work are all part of a marriage. I also agree that as mucn as the non-ADD partner did not *ask* for the issues that arise from being in a relationship with an ADDer, neither has the ADDer asked to be stuck with this disorder either.

It is true that as a non-ADD spouse, you have to accept the fact that your spouse with ADD is *a spouse with ADD*. That is who he/she *really* is. For the non-ADD spouse to have to work *with* the ADDer and accept who he/she *really* is, means that the non-ADD spouse can NO longer be who he/she *really* is.

This is often forgotten in our quest to be sympathetic to the ADDer. In order to adapt to who my ADD husband *really* is, I have had to change who I *really* am. I, too, had a different vision of what marriage would be (most of us do whether ADD is in the picture or not) and I know that my visiion will never be realized.

Based on who I *really* am, I will have to let go of most of my dreams and hopes in order to sustain this marriage. In return, my ADD husband will get *much more* than he had ever envisioned. Now don't get me wrong, I am not whining and saying "this is not fair, he will get more than me." I am simply offering a point of view that is often ignored by ADDers. Non-ADD spouses have to change who they *really* are in order for the ADDer to *really* be themselves.

We can all offer support and our point of views but in the end it is really about who *you* are as a person. I know that after struggling with my ADD husband for the last ten years, I am not the right person to be able to change how I *really* am in order to work *with* him in sustaining this relationship. You have to ask yourself that question and you have to answer honestly - Can you live with your ADD-spouse - the way he/she is right now - for the rest of your life?

Our therapist asked me that question two years ago and only now have I really been honest with myself. Based on *who I am*, I know that the answer is no. I am not prepared to let go of my dreams and hopes in order to work *with* him and to let him be who he *really* is.

Because if I did, I would no longer be me.

Elizabeth

I am not sure I understand. It would be okay if he were just lazy but now that you know he has ADD you are hurt? Did I read that wrong? It makes no sense to me. Wouldn’t the diagnosis be a relief to you? That way you know he is not doing the things he does intentionally.

I think my wife has had totry to face this same issue.

After seeing a thing on TV about coma and Tramatic Brain Injury (TBI) it seems clear to me that the "approach" one takes to a person with TBI is the approach required in practice with ADHD.

I have to wonder what therapists are doing when they ask questions like that. It reminds me of the difference between the questions asked with Apollo 13 and the Shuttle.

The Apollo question was, "What do we have to do to insure that we get our astronauts back alive?" then they did everything they could, toward that goal.

The Shuttle questions were: "Can we determine the damage?" No. Was an easy enough answer to truthfully determine.

The second question was, "Can we fix it?" Equally truthfully the answer to that question was no.

The choice of questions led directly to the results.

frankly Elizabeth, without knowing anything more than what you've written, you are being lulled into thinking that the impossibility of changeing the nature of ADHD is in any way equal or equivalent to the "comfort" of changing what can.

In coming to your conclusion that you could not make the "required" changes and remain unchanged, you are correct. You are incorrect to hold the illusion that life is for staying like we are, and breaking our commitments to others to protect our easier route from diversion.

The question is wrong headed. The answer is correct. The result will be bad, for you and everyone else tied to it. Because, like the shuttle questions, it is simply the wrong question.

The right question, just so you can reject it out of hand and not put me through the whole human interaction "I'm not asperegers so coddle me with social protocol stuff so I can socially acceptably reject the idea later anyway after I specifically ask you what the right question is dance":

What do I have to do (what sacred cows must I lose?) (What fantasies must be taken of the plan to do track?) (What pain of change must I endure?) to accept reality: mine, his, and the larger world?

Notice. The RIGHT question cannot be answered yes or no. The wrong question ALWAYS CAN.

Good luck in your walk. Remember though, as much as you THINK the ADHD person inyour life is your problem, Where ever you go, there you will be too.

You will find that you have taken your problem of not being willing to deal with uncomfortable unplanned requirements of life with you.

You'll need more than luck to get through with or without your ADHD spouse until your willingness to deal with reality rises to "whatever it takes."

That is, by the way, the minimum requirement of life.

IMHO

Your therapist is not alone in asking wrong questions, or in captaining ship wrecks. Just look to NASA. (Need Another Seven Astronauts)

Best Wishes, and Very Best Luck in your Walk.

Take what you like, and leave the rest.

I hear your frustration. I have been married for 23 years. Our college son was recently diagnosed with ADD. After reading and researching, it became very obvious that my husband had it too. It really explained a lot to me. I have built up a lot of resentment over the years dealing with a lot of the symptons. I am trying, but having a hard time letting go of some of that, but he is not helping. He is on Strattera, but I have not seen much difference.

He is an outgoing, likeable, intelligent guy on the outside. In our marriage he has always been moody, self centered, short tempered and totally blamed me for everything. His idea of an apology is "I'm sorry you feel that way." I told him recently that I have never felt that I could talk to him about my feelings or worries. I totally edit everything I say so as not to deal with his anger, blame etc.

It seems that everything revolves around him. How he feels is what he thinks about. If I have a problem - he only sees it in how it effects him. One example: A few years ago I had a breast cancer scare. When I told him that the mammagram had turned up something suspicious and I was being referred to a surgeon, his response was: "You know, I have kind of a lump up here on my chest." Typically, it is all about him!

Right now, I would just like him to understand what it has been like for me over the years. He will take the medication, but won't read any of the books that I have to understand anything. Right now he is in his moody phase. I have apparently done something - dont' know what - and he is quiet, pouting, barely talking. The ususal pattern is I will finally beg him to tell me what is going on. Then he gets to tell me what a terrible wife I am, or whatever I have done to injure him.

Whew! Sorry about all the venting. Just not sure what to do next. My son was reading one of the books and even said he thought his dad should read it. He said, we are not the same (symptom-wise), but he is definitely in this book. Maybe I can ask him to mention to his Dad. Might be better coming from him.

Originally posted by Penultimate
I am not sure I understand. It would be okay if he were just lazy but now that you know he has ADD you are hurt? Did I read that wrong? It makes no sense to me. Wouldn’t the diagnosis be a relief to you? That way you know he is not doing the things he does intentionally.

I'm not sure if your response is in regards to my post. If so, I am not sure where you read that I am hurt. As far as relief, I'm not sure where that comes in either.

My post was simply about the fact that we cannot generalize when it comes to making judgements on what couples should or should not do in their relationships. We are all different and react differently based on who or what we are reacting to. I can only speak for myself and my situation.

In my situation, if my husband is to be who he *really* is, then I cannot be who I *really* am. On the other hand, he is not willing to let ME be who I *really* am because who I *really* am is no longer appealing to him. This may not make sense to many of you. Sorry!

I have always suspected my husband had ADD. I mentioned it to him a few years ago and he refused to hear about it. He finally agreed to go see his doctor two years ago who referred him to a therapist. This therapist confirmed the ADD a year ago. It has nothing to do with relief. I always knew that my husband was not behaving this way intentionally. I was and still am accepting of the fact that his behaviour is due to the ADD. It hasn't changed the fact that he has done nothing to educate himself on the matter.

For four years, I have read books, web sites, forums, joined discussion lists - all to better understand the issues. Only in the last few days has he started reading about it.

Penultimate, I am not sure what your comments are saying.

Elizabeth

Originally posted by Wheel1975
<snip> frankly Elizabeth, without knowing anything more than what you've written, you are being lulled into thinking that the impossibility of changeing the nature of ADHD is in any way equal or equivalent to the "comfort" of changing what can.
<snip>

You will find that you have taken your problem of not being willing to deal with uncomfortable unplanned requirements of life with you.

You'll need more than luck to get through with or without your ADHD spouse until your willingness to deal with reality rises to "whatever it takes."

That is, by the way, the minimum requirement of life.

You are correct in saying that you know nothing more than what I have written. This is the nature of forums, discussion lists and e-mail. You can only take what is written and know nothing else of me or our situation and you can only comment based on *your* perception of my words.

I could go on at length and respond to you inaccurate perceptions but I will not do so. This forum is the non-ADD spouse support forum and I will not get into a discussion with an ADDer about how I should or should not deal with my ADD spouse.

Many of you will take this as my unwillingness to listen to the *other side of the coin* but I do that at home - every day, non stop and I have no intention of getting into the same type of never-ending circle discussion about how *I* have to learn to accept *our* situation.

I am a person who thrives on change and on learning as much as I can about anything that I can. I am not the same person I was 25 years ago, 20 years ago, 15 years ago and ten years ago when I married my husband. I have grown, evolved, learned about ADD, and about myself.

My willingness to deal with reality has brought me to realize that it isn't about doing "whatever it takes" - it is about *both* of us doing "whatever it takes" to ensure that we are happy with ourselves and our surroundings.

I will leave it at that.
Elizabeth

Originally posted by cchapin
Whew! Sorry about all the venting. Just not sure what to do next. My son was reading one of the books and even said he thought his dad should read it. He said, we are not the same (symptom-wise), but he is definitely in this book. Maybe I can ask him to mention to his Dad. Might be better coming from him.

Venting is good at times. I joined a non-ADD spouse support discussion list a while back and it was good for me to see similar stories. Not because I wanted to say, "I told you soo, it's not just me." But because it made me realize that I was not alone in feeling the frustration and resentment and it also made me realize that there are different stages to go through in order to better understand how this is affecting our relationships.

You need to vent your frustration to people who will not judge you or try to tell you what to do. If you keep it inside, you will start questioning yourself and that will not be good for your relationship. If you want to vent some more on a one-on-one, send me a PM.

All the best,
Elizabeth

Hi Elizabeth, I am an add partner. I am not going to give you advice on this but to say thank you for shedding some light on how the non-add partner might feel.

It is quite interesting, or maybe Ironic, that so many add people felt THE NEED to jump into the non-add support forum.

I think you made some interesting points about everything always being about your husband, even when you had the breast cancer scare. Thanks for pointing that out, because to a degree I do that sam thing too.

I will get out of where I don't really belong now. :)

I think it would be best if all of the ADD people who want to to give Elizabeth and Rikki advice to take a step away and show a HUGE amount of self control to stay away from this forum as much as possible because there are plenty of other forums on this board that do relate to us. If this forum becomes dominated by ADDers, it will not be a safe place for the purpose of this particular forum's topic: Non-ADD Support

My response was to the original post. Not yours, elizabethizme.

Originally posted by Penultimate
My response was to the original post. Not yours, elizabethizme.

I realized that after I reread a few times AFTER I had posted my comments.

Still, no harm in asking why she should feel relief with the official diagnosis?

Elizabeth

I agree. I just wonder why his diagnosis should depress her.

Wow, I have been lurking around this site off and on for a couple of months and this particular forum is just what I have been looking for. My husband has ADD, was diagnosed at the age of 44. I have fibromyalgia, was diagnosed about 4 or 5 yrs ago. I can so relate to all of the non-Adders who have posted on this particular thread. There are been several helpful ideas from ADDers but it also seems like some of what the non-ADDers posted was taken too personally by the ADDers. It is my opinion that Elizabeth and Rikki were only expressing their feelings about their situations as well as asking for information. We all have expectations of how marriage and our spouses will be, when you throw in a chronic disease or disorder into the mix then there is a grieving process of sorts that needs to be gone through. I think the process is the same whether it is this situation or you yourself are diagnosed with another type of chronic disorder. At first you are relieved to know that there is something really wrong or a cause/reason for what is going on, then you are depressed or whatever the other feelings are when you realize that this is NOT going to be treated with some antibiotics and go away. You realize that the storybook idea or dream of how things will or won't be is not going to happen that way. I do feel like we are all responsible for our own actions and how we choose to manage our diseases, and for me personally, that is what gets on my nerves the most. I feel like I am expected to modify how I do or react to things because of his disease while the reverse is not reciprocated. It seems to me that because of my husband's ADD he is not capable of researching and learning about his disorder and then formulating some way to manage it, to be proactive rather than reactive. I can be accomodating and I can work with a system once I know what the system is and why it is being done that way. I can't be a mind reader, and I don't want to always be the heavy when it comes to reminding. I can remind once, but I feel like it is his responsibility to do it after that, otherwise I am placed into a role that I don't want, being a nag or a "mom" to him. OK, I think I am done venting now too :D I do agree that dealing with ADD or any other kind of chronic illness in a relationship does take working together and making new dreams to work towards.

Welcome to the forums, Anne.

I think one of the reasons ADD people sometimes overreact to non-ADDers is the amount of pain in our history that we have gotten from people not like us...

Not trying to justify an overreaction, merely provide a reason for it...

And you are right, it should be an ADDer's responsibility to make changes as well in his or her life, although it can be difficult for us to do.

I hear your comments about not wanting to be a nag or a heavy as well. My wife says that she has that problem with me all the time... :(

But thanks for sharing your experience here...

Oops. You are right. I'm ADHD. i'm outta here!

Good luck.