I find that I jump into immediate defense mode when someone tells me that they don't like something that I am doing. For example: behavior ( attitude, talking too much, etc). I never pause and think about whether or not I am wrong, I just immediately go into attack. It is driving people away.

I also notice that I practically voice disagreement with everything my boyfriend says even if I actually agree with him.

Does anyone else do this? If so, how do you knock some sense into yourself?

Perhaps when you're listening to your boyfriend's views on subjects, your mind plays devil's advocate. Mine does that far too much :p
Defensive? Hell ya. Especially when it comes to a teacher telling me my kids may not be ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!

I find that I jump into immediate defense mode when someone tells me that they don't like something that I am doing. For example: behavior ( attitude, talking too much, etc). I never pause and think about whether or not I am wrong, I just immediately go into attack. It is driving people away.
I've noticed that I too tend to get very defensive and alot of times when thinking it over later realize that I was wrong.:o

I'm NEVER wrong!








:p

I'm NEVER wrong!

:p

Well like you when it comes to my son No One will ever change my mind about anything. But occasionally it does happen that I'm wrong. Really very few and way far between times. (and I rarely admit it out loud!;) )

I'm right there with you. I become extremely defensive toward my DH even when he is just trying to help. This has been the main thing (that and my messiness) that lead to us trying to find out why I act this way. I realize what I've done later but even then I have a hard time admitting I was wrong.

No help there. I'm new to all this and still working through the fact that I even know it has a name. Just know you are not alone.

I'm the same way too! I don't really know what OPD (oppositional defiance disorder) is but from the sound of it, this may be what it refers to. Anybody got a firm grip on what OPD's about?

I generally only do it with my husband :-) but, yes I am guilty of it too..maybe it's a woman thing, and not our ADD... LOL

Yeah I seem to do this with everyone - just contradict them all the time even when I don't mean to or go on the defensive if someone says something wrong about me.

I also use the wroong tones of voice so if I say something 'normally' it will come out angry for example - people are forever telling me to 'calm down' etc. when I'm not even excited or angry. Grrrrr I hate that!

I think we add'ers are a little thin-skinned. May have something to do with growing up non-linear in a linear world. I do really try to LISTEN to what someone is saying without immediately trying to defend my actions, but no always of course. You can improve this, it's just takes effort and lots of self-talk and a willingness to try to become the best person you can be. With that attitude, not all criticism is necessarily a bad thing.

I get defenseive when people contradict me. Especially in a classs discussion. I've never become argumentative or violent,I just get this little rise of anger in my chest even thoguh i know they have a right to their opinion. I also get embarassed by this part of myself because it makes me feel like they are saying there is something wrong with me, or the way I think.

I just know that I really need to stop doing this defensive behavior or I am really going to drive my boyfriend away. That is the last thing I want to do.

I get very defensive too. I take it personally if someone has a different opinion than me. :(

So, I have noticed that this is a very common trait amongst people with ADD. Now the question is .... How does it get solved? Has anyone developed signals that the significant other can do to get the add person back on track? Or more importantly have any of you adders developed their own way to shut themselves up before damage has been done?

Nope, sorry. I'd like advice on that too!

there has got to be a solution.... I just know there is one.

I've gone so far as to ask trusted coworkers to give me a predetermined signal when it "appears" I am being defensive or responding as if I have to prove myself when asked anything. I honestly don't realize I'm doing so. My brain isn't thinking "Make excuses immediately!" My brain is thinking that perhaps if I explain my thought process (without even realizing I'm doing so) the other person/persons will make better sense of my questions/positions.

I try very hard, also, to not talk, and to really listen to what another person is saying and doing. I force myself to pay attention to social cues. Some days are better than others. Having someone who is safe, and willing to help you recognize when you're doing this might be helpful.

When I type 'force' myself, the best way I can explain this is the following: whenever I studied foreign language, I was in English mode. I thought and spoke in my first language, English. When it was time to listen to or learn French, or Spanish (etc), I had to almost click my brain into place. I had to mentally acknowledge the switch, so that my brain would follow--Maintenant, je parle le francaise (now, I speak French). I would block out anything that wasn't French, til all I was hearing, thinking, and speaking WAS French.

Sometimes, with listening skills and social cues, I have to do the same thing. I am listening to this person. I am only listening to this person. Focus on the person's face. Force the ears to hear only the sound they are making, nothing else. I am able to do this, I think, because this is how I compensated in foreign language learning, and this technique can work in other areas for me, too.

I certainly have this problem, although I didn't realize it until recently (and I qualify to be a member of AARP). In general I'm surrounded by people who don't criticize me, but I have a fairly new coworker who brings this out in me. After a few months of complaining to my husband about how this coworker drives me nuts, and being honest with him about my reaction to that, I realized that yeah, the coworker is a jerk but I don't want to be a jerk back.

My solution to this (and to all my problems, really) is, I am a member of a 12-Step fellowship and I use the Steps. Although 12-Step fellowships are not religious, they are certainly spiritual. To avoid any kind of sanction here, I won't go into detail other than to say that the Steps have worked so far and they're working on this problem for me now. All week long I have been able to respond calmly to this coworker.

I have not found a 12-Step group for ADDers in my area but I do know there's at least one book out there on the subject.

I am familiar with the steps. Being a member of AA for 2 years. I do tell myself often the serenity prayer, but unfortunately that only occurs after. I guess the one thing I can apply from AA is what I learned as a newbie.. to shut up and listen. Really listen. Which to me makes a heck of alot of common sense.

I also use the wroong tones of voice so if I say something 'normally' it will come out angry for example - people are forever telling me to 'calm down' etc. when I'm not even excited or angry. Grrrrr I hate that!
I do this too. I'm a pretty expresive person and sometimes people take it the wrong way. My voice carries too, that may be part of the problem.

I also use the wroong tones of voice so if I say something 'normally' it will come out angry for example - people are forever telling me to 'calm down' etc. when I'm not even excited or angry. Grrrrr I hate that! I do this too. I'm a pretty expresive person and sometimes people take it the wrong way. My voice carries too, that may be part of the problem.Me, too - growing up I heard constantly "It's not what you're saying {i.e. to your sister} it's your tone of voice."

I hated it then, but I know it's true.

Now when someone in my family comments on something I'm doing - usually that I'm too loud - I try to laugh it off rather than getting externally defensive (even though inside I'm having a completely different conversation with the person) ... but I also get my feelings hurt - like, "Hey, how come I'm always being told that I'm too loud ... but if my brother and sisters get going in their craziness, it's just funny?"

I also wonder why it's OK to tell me I'm too loud, but even though I'm somewhat hard of hearing (probably WHY I'm loud) it's rude for me to ask "quiet-talkers" (tm Seinfeld) to speak up?

Sehrita, the Steps I am using on this issue are 1, 2, 3, 6 and 7 (and then @#$% &*#$ Step 10 when I've messed up AGAIN). They all seem to apply because no matter how hard I have tried to solve this problem myself, I can't.

I'm NEVER wrong!:D :D My thoughts also!!

JK

I actually posted a note about self-justification earlier... I totally related.
It drives me crazy, as well as most people that really know me.
My mom will sometimes start a sentance with, "I am not criticizing you...." then she will say whatever.

Most of the time I am right ~ :cool: But, when I'm wrong, or someone tries to tell me that I'm doing it wrong.. response "You do it then..."
or that I'm inappropriate... response "Ya don't like it.. ya don't have to stay..."

But mostly I just feel like I'm being judged without the jury, if that makes anysense and have to put my ten cents in to defend my actions.

I also use the wroong tones of voice so if I say something 'normally' it will come out angry for example - people are forever telling me to 'calm down' etc. when I'm not even excited or angry. Grrrrr I hate that!03-28-06 12:44 AM

Well, the real quesiton is, in whose eyes is it the "wrong" tone of voice??:eyebrow:

The fact is that everything that we do or say is open to personal interpretation. Just because they may not "understand" or "get where we are comming from" doesn't make them the ultimate judge...


If only I could remember that everytime I jump to the gun~ :)

I keep alienating people around me. It almost happened again last night...... I am at such a loss for what to do.

I've gone so far as to ask trusted coworkers to give me a predetermined signal when it "appears" I am being defensive or responding as if I have to prove myself when asked anything. I honestly don't realize I'm doing so. My brain isn't thinking "Make excuses immediately!" My brain is thinking that perhaps if I explain my thought process (without even realizing I'm doing so) the other person/persons will make better sense of my questions/positions.


So many great old threads! So good to know ADD'ers are still having the same old problems.

I connected so well with the post above, I wondered for a moment if I wrote it. No, I didn't, but it sounds EXACTLY like what I've been thinking and saying lately.

I keep alienating people around me. It almost happened again last night...... I am at such a loss for what to do.me too...I´m sometimes sooo defensive. Nothing is my fault...or I just have to say something oposite to people... I rarely can handle chritisism. :cool: These situations can turn into fights very easily...

Yup, I'm super defensive. At work and at home.

It think a lot of it is mis-placed frustration.