I've only just joined this forum. I never knew there was support forums like this for spouses of ADDers. It's amazing what's out there on the internet . :)

Let me begin by telling you a bit about my DH. He has had learning disabilities his entire life. He was in special needs classes up until 8th grade and graduated high school at age 20. He made it and that's definitely an accomplishment. He has dislexia along with his ADD and I'm sure that makes everyday living and working a challenge. He works as a Steam Engineer in a state power plant. He has taken and passed two state exams to become licensed. It was VERY difficult as studying for and taking written exams is hard for all of us but especially hard for someone with dislexia and ADD. I understand what an accomplishment this is. When we first got married 22 years ago I didn't realize the extent of his disability. It was only after having our son and needing the spousal support in raising him that I became aware of DH's inability to parent with me. He was our DS's buddy, pal, and playmate. This was wonderful for our son but made me have to take on the role of disciplinarian for both of them. Other than going to work and bringing home a paycheck, DH didn't grow up with me. He still stayed out all night with his friends without calling to let me know where he was. He always forgot. I worked full-time too and I wanted him to be more responsible. I have always paid the bills and managed the money. Both checks are direct deposited and DH gets an allowance via some monies going into his credit union account each week. He basically spends whatever money he has so keeping a lid on how much is important.
Anyway... after 7 years of being frustrated by our situation, we divorced, at my insistance. I supported myself and our son with no financial assistance from DH. Within a short period of time DH lost his job, his car, and every bill collector under the sun was coming after me because they couldn't get anything out of DH. He started using drugs and drinking and it was not safe for our son to visit him in that situation. The visitations took place as my in-laws home on weekends. Because I love DH I felt extremely quilty about his situation. We ended up back together because I felt responsible for him. I have mellowed out a great deal over the years and we have a good friendship more than a marriage in the traditional sense.

With the help of my sister, who recently obtained her real estate license, we were able to buy our first home after 22 years of renting. I never thought we could qualify for a home loan but we did. Now I am realizing that buying an old home that needs lots of work was not the smartest move. DH commutes 120 miles a day. After working all day and doing all that driving, the last thing he wants to do is work on the house. He hates it and it is a constant source of tension between us. He will let me strip wallpaper, paint, lay tile, etc. and not have the slightest interest in pitching in. If I don't insist, he just lets me do it. I find that odd behavior but that's DH. Unfortunately, I commute 2 hours a day myself and work full-time so I don't have the energy to take it all on. We are now talking about selling the house and buy a maintenance free townhome or condo. It's sad for me because I love this house but the reality of the situation is what it is. The house will fall down around us and DH won't notice. He's content no matter where he is. At least with a townhome the mortgage will be lower and we will have more cash flow. DH's latest speeding ticket was $280. He gets stopped on the same stretch of road every time. I understand that after driving 1 1/2 hours that when you are ALMOST home it is natural to want to just get there but it's costing us a lot of money and along with his regular fender benders, our car insurance is through the roof! Sigh.... I could go on for a long time but I'll stop and take a rest. I haven't had an audience that understands my situation before so my apologies for such a lengthy post.

Now I am realizing that buying an old home that needs lots of work was not the smartest move.
I don't mean to laugh but I could have written that!! I, too, live in a great old house, but restoring an old hoouse takes committment by both partners and my H, although he THINKS it is very cool to restore an old home, just doesn't have the focus it takes in him. Can you say half-finished projects? LOL!! We just picked out a realtor to list, and will move into something boring but that I can maintain myself.

Welcome to the boards, there is a lot of great support and information here.

Wow....
I myself do not have ADD, and am a baby im sure in your eyes. :p I am young, 21... with my boyfriend, whom i live with, who also has ADD, learning disabilities and dislexia. What you were describing in the beginning of your post is what i fear. He has the same traits from the description i got about your husband. I do have questions for you...

Has it gotten easier for you? I completely understand the frustration you have to deal with daily. Trust me, it's not easy. I wish i could look into the future and know, that this isn't going to be a life time battle.....

Is your husband currently taking any medication?

This site is a good place to let out your frustration to a group of people who understand. Also has a lot of helpful information. Good luck :)

Now I am realizing that buying an old home that needs lots of work was not the smartest move. I actually laughed as well at that, but not a rude laugh, just an understanding laugh (if that makes sense!) I totally agree with the condo with little maintainence for now. Maybe you could look at moving towards a renovators *delight* when you both finish work full time and have more time to yourselves..

good luck, and welcome, and 10 points for being so understanding to your DH

Thank you Creekside and Tracyhaddb for your understanding. I laugh at things myself after the fact. Life is down right ridiculous sometimes :p

Nonadder, I'd like to say it gets easier but I think what happened is that I changed and DH has changed. We have adjusted to each other. It's been 22 years. The good thing is that we're both still alive and relatively healthy. Neither has killed the other. It has been a very long road and much of it a struggle. I'm lucky that DH is not the type that gets overly angry or is abusive. Passive aggressive, yes, but not abusive :eyebrow: . I'd have to say that when I was younger, things were harder because I didn't have the experience with DH that I have now. Raising our son was difficult because of the responsibility I had to take on alone. DH is a GREAT Dad but my son has always been aware that his father has issues. The thing that you need to remember is that you can't change someone. If you decide to marry and have a family, be prepared for bumps in the road. A sense of humor is the best weapon. The fact that you have found support and are able to develop your understanding early on is invaluable. I know it would have helped me tremendously. Lastly, if your BF is a wonderful person, who treats you well and will support you, those things far out way the challenges (although you may not always see it that way in the midst of certain situations).
Good luck!

Has it gotten easier for you? I completely understand the frustration you have to deal with daily. Trust me, it's not easy. I wish i could look into the future and know, that this isn't going to be a life time battle.....

For me, it has gotten harder. We have no children, but I have to be parent to a 36 year old man, and it's tiring. It is hard not to be resentful that after 9 years I still have to ask him to take out the trash, watch his spending (and always be the bad guy by having to be the one to point out we can't afford something), and quiz him abnout his schedule so he doesn't forget things. However, my H won't take any medication or go to counselling. The saving grace is that I have learned about ADD and I can deal with things a little easier.

Then add to it the big chip he carries on his shoulder from growing up being told he was lazy and usless (common to undiagnosed ADDers) and you have that lifetime battle you are worried about. Of course every relationship is different, but you must go into it with your eyes open. And obviously there is a good side to my marriage, or I wouldn't be in it :) But it isn't easy.

Thanks for the information. Its hard, really hard. I love being with my boyfriend and i am happy he is seeking some help, medication wise, but its still hard. It's a struggle. I have calmed down a lot myself and tried to be as understanding as possible, but i need to work on that as well.

It sounds like it's all about effort. We are working on it... and because we both are trying - i think a difference will be made.

Sorry to steer this thread in another direction; you just had the experience :) Thanks again!

Steer the thread whichever way it needs to go :)
It's hard to read how much frustration and pain you guys are going through. Believe me, even now after all these years, I have stretches of time when I'm ready to run away from it all but I haven't yet. I think what keeps me here is when I think about my life without DH and the effect it would have on myself, DH, our son, and the people in my life who have grown to love DH. Also, even though things are often difficult, I am spoiled in many ways. If I were the type to get whatever I wanted, we'd be financially in trouble because DH has no problem letting me have things I want. I have to think about whether we can afford it or not. He doesn't worry about money the way I do. Sometimes I hate being good :p

For me, it has gotten harder. We have no children, but I have to be parent to a 36 year old man, and it's tiring. It is hard not to be resentful that after 9 years I still have to ask him to take out the trash, watch his spending (and always be the bad guy by having to be the one to point out we can't afford something), and quiz him abnout his schedule so he doesn't forget things. However, my H won't take any medication or go to counselling. The saving grace is that I have learned about ADD and I can deal with things a little easier.

Then add to it the big chip he carries on his shoulder from growing up being told he was lazy and usless (common to undiagnosed ADDers) and you have that lifetime battle you are worried about. Of course every relationship is different, but you must go into it with your eyes open. And obviously there is a good side to my marriage, or I wouldn't be in it :) But it isn't easy.
For me, my eyes HAVE been opened. :rolleyes: Its sure is difficult, we just had our 1 year anniversary....and just moved in together 4 months ago. SOOO... i have some major adjustments to face, slowly and surely ;)

I hear many adders have issues with money. That's a blessing for me, my SO is excellent with money. Doesn't spend a dime unless he has to! Which is hard to find in most people, i have seen Financial issues ruin relationships.

I agree with what you said about ADD being a "chip on your sholder" i think its a matter of accepting it and dealing with it. Like anything, it must be hard.

Hatboxgirl; Is your Husband currently taking any meds for his ADD?
My SO was taking Wellbutrin recently, and previously was on ritilan as a child. On wellbrutrin is another story. A scary one... I would soon rather have him on NO meds, than Wellbutrin. He bit my head off daily.... which is very uncommon for him. Back to the doctors we go... :rolleyes:

Hatboxgirl; Is your Husband currently taking any meds for his ADD?
My SO was taking Wellbutrin recently, and previously was on ritilan as a child. On wellbrutrin is another story. A scary one... I would soon rather have him on NO meds, than Wellbutrin. He bit my head off daily.... which is very uncommon for him. Back to the doctors we go...

My DH has never been on meds. He's 50 so they weren't used when he was young and having taken meds for depression myself, I wouldn't insist on it for him. I've gotten so used to him being who he is that if he changed, I don't know what it would be like. If he were unhappy with his ADD, I'd be open to it but he's pretty content.

Wellbutrin is a med that works for some but changes other's personalities completey. I'm speaking from personal experience. When I took it a few years ago, I took up smoking, wore revealing clothing, and had very bad judgement with regard to my behavior. I did what I wanted to do and didn't think about the consequences. It was NOT a good med for me! Thank goodness I made it through to the other side. On the other hand, my sister thought it worked great for her. So it may be that he needs a different med.

All of this makes me glad that I am the ADD one, instead of my spouse. He is good with money, home repairs, remembering stuff. Pretty sensitive to my moods, too. He seems to focus on my strengths instead of my weaknesses, and tries to encourage me. I guess I am very lucky, here. I make myself a lot more miserable than I make my own spouse. Gosh, things would actually be pretty good if I'd just stop making myself miserable, huh?

I've only just joined this forum. I never knew there was support forums like this for spouses of ADDers. It's amazing what's out there on the internet . :)

Let me begin by telling you a bit about my DH. He has had learning disabilities his entire life. He was in special needs classes up until 8th grade and graduated high school at age 20. He made it and that's definitely an accomplishment. He has dislexia along with his ADD and I'm sure that makes everyday living and working a challenge.
I basically could have written the first part of this post, except that my DH was only in the special needs classes for two years in junior high. He is exceptionally gift in mathematics, but he has dyslexia, along with ADD.

We've been married almost eight years, together for almost 10. It's hard to live with at times, very hard, especially lately. We seem to go through good times and bad, but I guess everyone does.

I've been trying to find answers as to why he's like he is, aside from the fact he has ADD. I thought it might be bipolar or depression, but after reading so many of the posts here, I know it's the ADD.

Thanks for the post, though, because it makes me feel like we can make it too.