it's annoying. add is something that affects his whole life, his relationships, school work, work etc. etc. he can barely function, which means he stays home all day playing games and eats and sleeps but doesnt really do anything else. doesnt talk much, doesnt go out much, doesnt spend time with friends' much.

i wish he would just pop a pill and get it over with. do something like take medication that would enable him to move on with his life. instead of being depressed and stuck and feeling hopeless. instead of feeling like he's completely bored with life (is this a common add thing?)

if something is affecting and has been affecting his whole life, why not take medicine for it???!!!!!! ARGH SO STUBBORN. he refuses to even consider it.

i really dont think he's going to get better or have much of a chance until he does take some medication. he says to me "i dont mind being homeless." wtf. well i do. i dont think i can stay in this relationship, i really want out. it's depressing being with someone with no future who is utterly hopeless and functionless and who expects to drag me down too. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dont know what else to say.

Ouch, I sympathize, my partner is extremely opposed to medication as well... :(

In the end, it is a very painful decision, but you have to do what you have to do. You have the right to set conditions that your partner must meet if they are going to continue to be with you. Now if you tell him "Take meds or I'm leaving you", there's a high chance unfortunately you will end up with the second choice rather than the first... but what you might consider saying to him is something like,

"Okay, this is getting in the way of our lives... I require the following out of my life partner. One: we cannot be homeless. Two: we can't just accept depression as "the norm", if you are temporarily depressed, I love and support you and want to help, but I can't live with you planning to be like that for the rest of your life..."

Etcetera. If he can provide you the things you NEED in a relationship without taking meds, then no problem, right? If he agrees to take the meds, then no problem, right?

But if he can't or won't do these things for you, then you need to either leave him, or accept the fact that you will probably live without these things for the rest of your lives together...

Be warned. ADD people don't like conditions or deadlines or ultimatums any more than any other kind of person does.... no more than you would enjoy giving this sort of ultimatum.

But he doesn't seem to want to change right now, so it doesn't seem likely he will any time soon... :(

Well said, Paul.

I'll try anoher spin, all of the above not discounted...

You don't get to force him to take pills with an ultimatum. You can't win whether he does or not.

You can't tie yourself to a rock dropped in water either. I suspect there are more than a few homeless people who are ADD.

You can explain, in functional terms, what you need for a relationship to be balanced... money, chores, emotional support etc. See if he sees any way to meet those levels.

A relationship should not be all quid pro quo, but it has to be equal where it is a relationahip. Even with my dog, where we interact, we both enjoy what we're doing, for fun, and only some things do we do because the other one needs it done that way and then. there has to be real balance in a relationship.

take no wooden nickles.

Thing is, some people, ADD or not, LIKE staying at home, eating, playing and sleeping all day. Some people are genuinely *lazy*, and refuse to take responsibility, you don't have to have a mental disorder to be inactive! (And a mental disorder is no excuse for becoming lazy or hurting other people)

In fact there is so much more to it, and as I said below I can't believe someone who JUST lacks motivation could ever be labelled ADD if refusal to do any work is the ONLY problem! :o

However, if someone's genuinely got a problem, but is perfectly happy as a couch potato, then they've absolutely no desire to change (why should they - they've got the good life all fun & games and no responsibility, as long as some sucker pays for food etc. why bother?) - but THEY have to want to change for anything to improve in this situation. Without that will you get nowhere, mental disorder or not!

If someone has the attitude of "well I like sitting in and having fun all day" then I seriously doubt that medication would make ANY difference whatsoever, IMHO.

For medication and therapy to work with ADD, the person has to be unhappy with the way they are and have some desire to change, they have to WANT to be doing stuff and be more active/get things done, not be content sitting at home all day living the sweet life.


To be honest isn't feeling unhappy with not getting anything done, and WANTING to achieve more/feeling inadequate with your achievements etc. PART of diagnosing ADD? Otherwise how on earth do they tell the difference between someone who just enjoys lazing about and someone with ADD? Or do "lazy people" not exist any more AT ALL and everyone who prefers having fun to working is now labelled "ADD"?

I'm a bit confused now I always though ADD was much more complex & you actually had to WANT to be doing stuff but be too overwhelmed to do it/don't know where to start to be ADD (among MANY other things), not ENJOY being lazy or simply prefer playing games/eating all day to getting out there and working or at least helping out at home. :confused:

(Maybe this belongs in the analysis section or something?)

Correct me if I'm wrong (most likely, I am!) & I'm not saying this person hasn't got/can't have ADD because I don't know much about them other than what's been said on this board, BUT:

As far as I know, when judging whether your performance in school is affected by/related to ADD (and not just if someone is really bad, just not doing as well as could reasonably be expected), then your IQ is looked at, and if there is a discrepancy between your performance and your IQ then any other learning problems (dyslexia, dyscalculia etc.) are assessed and if not present to a severe degree, excluded as the primary source of this discrepancy.

So that means (from what I have read about the criteria in kids) that if someone has a low-ish IQ (or a normal IQ when they feel they ought to get higher grades than average) and gets overall lower grades, or has learning disabilities in a certain area which leads to lower grades in that area, then their school performance is seen as unrelated to ADD, decreasing the likelihood that this person has ADD.

The same goes for lack of motivation - if the ONLY reason why a kid does badly in school is because they prefer spending all day & all night playing with toys, hanging out with friends etc. and they don't study, and that is the ONLY reason (i.e. if they do study then they get better grades, they never even try to listen in class, they KNOW/remember they have work to do and make a CONSCIOUS decision not to bother, rather than being overwhelmed, not knowing where to start, or not being able to focus), and there are no problems with IQ, learning disabilities, attention in class etc. then the kid is not classified as ADD.


So what are the criteria when it comes to adults who don't get anything done in the house or who don't get a job? Is just anyone who doesn't do anything at home, or who prefers fun to work, classed as ADD?

I know low motivation is PART of it but there are plenty of people with low motivation when it comes to helping out at home/working instead of playing etc. out there, and most of them DON'T have ADD because their lack of motivation / preference of fun over work is the ONLY thing that stops them from getting stuff done.

I mean is LOW MOTIVATION, without ANY DESIRE to get anything done AT ALL, and no suffering on behalf of that person related to their inactivity (i.e. they're happy as Larry living the way they do) alone to say someone has ADD?

I hope not, because if that is the way it is seen in the US, then I'm beginning to understand why so many people are criticising the "overdiagnosis" of ADHD :(

Is he only opposed to taking medication or is he opposed to all AD/HD treatment/managment options ?

Ya. What she said above.

he only knows about ritalin. he was diagnosed by a psychiatrist as a small child.

beyond that, he and i included have no idea about other medications/theraphy/management. i believe he would like to accomplish something in life, would like to make something of himself but has so low self-esteem basically he's given up and thought he's hopeless and depressed.

medication is the key to what i see as being helpful.

There are many other types of medication for ADD/ADHD...and even meds that are non-stimulant based. I would highly recommend you spend some time researching these options.

We have a Medications (http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?s=&forumid=18) Section here at the Forums, but there are many MANY sites out there that have much more detailed information.

If you would like links to some of these websites, please send me a PM (Private Message) and I'll be happy to provide a list to you.

I am an adult with ADHD, and I just recently started taking Strattera, which is not a stimulant. I've been on it two weeks and it's just starting to work. There are side effects, but it's well worth it. He should check it out.

Maybe he could start by working with a therapist and/or a coach. A therapist could help with deal with issues including why he is resisitant to taking medication. A coach could help him set goals and learn better ways to manage AD/HD.


Did he actually take Ritalin as child?