Gomery
04-12-06, 07:19 PM
Hi everyone… I don’t quite know where to begin… I’ve been meaning to write this for quite some time but I’ve always gotten sidetracked (typical… I know). I realize no one here can or should diagnose me with ADD… yet after reading about it on the internet; I realized how much it described me. I suppose my purpose for writing this is more as a confirmation that I’m not crazy, and that this is something I should genuinely ask a doctor about.
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Even as I sit here it’s as if I can’t even collect all my thoughts, even though just a moment ago it seemed so clear. I suppose I will start at the beginning. In elementary school my mother would always have such a difficult time getting me to study or do my homework. It was sheer agony for me (and my mother I’m sure). I remember instances where I would start crying while studying my French verbs… telling my mother that I just couldn’t remember them (I wrote them down multiple times just as my teacher suggested, but it didn’t work, it’s as if my mind would zone out while I was writing them… I didn’t even realize I was writing them… my mind began thinking of other things). My mother would simply tell me “well, I guess YOU will have to write them down more times then the rest of your class (obviously this made me feel stupid and inferior).
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Throughout my time in elementary school, it was a constant battle with my teachers. They were so disappointed in me, and they had to put me in special classes so I could catch up. I despised school, and avoided it as much as I could. In high school, things improved, at least in scholastic terms. I was always in the clouds (often described as zoning out or as an absent-minded professor), and most of my time in class would be spent looking at the clock wanting it to be over, or drawing on my assignments. I would get my assignments done… eventually, but only at the very last moment. If I tried to get them done earlier I would simply not be able to give it my fullest attention. My marks (which had been very poor in elementary school) were now A’s and B’s, and very often I was one of the top students of the school… regardless of procrastination and disorganization. My locker was always the smelly one… rotten muffins that smelled oddly like wine… my backpack full of lunches weeks old and notes that I would never read. At lunch time, when I would sit with the people that I knew (I didn’t have very many friends) I would just sit there and completely zone out… never contributing to anything they said… it was like I was lost in space.
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*Read below here- this is the bottom line :)*
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Well… I know I am missing so much important information… perhaps the fact that my room looks as if it has homeless people sleeping in it… or the fact that I have always tried to be organized and to stop procrastinating… but it doesn’t seem to be a matter of will… it’s as if I can’t. My grades in University are dropping, and nothing I do is preventing that. I need to pay attention in class… I have to stop zoning out when I do my homework… but I am incapable of that. People seem to just think I’m lazy… but when I try to describe what I’m going through they simple reply: “Oh, well that’s normal, everyone does that”. That is why I am here… I want to know if it’s normal to daydream all the time… as if you don’t know what it’s like not to be in the clouds… I want to know if it’s normal to have to read the same paragraph in a text book 5 times… because you always zone out when reading it… I want to know that it’s normal to be staring at the computer screen… knowing that you must leave and study… screaming at yourself internally to get something done… but being incapable of moving and doing anything…
I just want some confirmation that I’m not making excuses… and that I’m not weak and incapable of dealing with those things that everyone has to deal with in their lives. I guess I’m done now… I can’t remember what else I wanted to say…. Maybe it will come to me some other time…
<o =""></o>
Even as I sit here it’s as if I can’t even collect all my thoughts, even though just a moment ago it seemed so clear. I suppose I will start at the beginning. In elementary school my mother would always have such a difficult time getting me to study or do my homework. It was sheer agony for me (and my mother I’m sure). I remember instances where I would start crying while studying my French verbs… telling my mother that I just couldn’t remember them (I wrote them down multiple times just as my teacher suggested, but it didn’t work, it’s as if my mind would zone out while I was writing them… I didn’t even realize I was writing them… my mind began thinking of other things). My mother would simply tell me “well, I guess YOU will have to write them down more times then the rest of your class (obviously this made me feel stupid and inferior).
<o =""></o>
Throughout my time in elementary school, it was a constant battle with my teachers. They were so disappointed in me, and they had to put me in special classes so I could catch up. I despised school, and avoided it as much as I could. In high school, things improved, at least in scholastic terms. I was always in the clouds (often described as zoning out or as an absent-minded professor), and most of my time in class would be spent looking at the clock wanting it to be over, or drawing on my assignments. I would get my assignments done… eventually, but only at the very last moment. If I tried to get them done earlier I would simply not be able to give it my fullest attention. My marks (which had been very poor in elementary school) were now A’s and B’s, and very often I was one of the top students of the school… regardless of procrastination and disorganization. My locker was always the smelly one… rotten muffins that smelled oddly like wine… my backpack full of lunches weeks old and notes that I would never read. At lunch time, when I would sit with the people that I knew (I didn’t have very many friends) I would just sit there and completely zone out… never contributing to anything they said… it was like I was lost in space.
<o =""></o>
*Read below here- this is the bottom line :)*
<o =""></o>
Well… I know I am missing so much important information… perhaps the fact that my room looks as if it has homeless people sleeping in it… or the fact that I have always tried to be organized and to stop procrastinating… but it doesn’t seem to be a matter of will… it’s as if I can’t. My grades in University are dropping, and nothing I do is preventing that. I need to pay attention in class… I have to stop zoning out when I do my homework… but I am incapable of that. People seem to just think I’m lazy… but when I try to describe what I’m going through they simple reply: “Oh, well that’s normal, everyone does that”. That is why I am here… I want to know if it’s normal to daydream all the time… as if you don’t know what it’s like not to be in the clouds… I want to know if it’s normal to have to read the same paragraph in a text book 5 times… because you always zone out when reading it… I want to know that it’s normal to be staring at the computer screen… knowing that you must leave and study… screaming at yourself internally to get something done… but being incapable of moving and doing anything…
I just want some confirmation that I’m not making excuses… and that I’m not weak and incapable of dealing with those things that everyone has to deal with in their lives. I guess I’m done now… I can’t remember what else I wanted to say…. Maybe it will come to me some other time…