Does anyone else have this way of dealing with their current partners past relationships? I feel like i need to know all about them and if my questions don't get answered, if there is just a "don't worry you're being silly" response it drives me nuts. Even if that is absolutely correct.

I feel like if i had my q's answered i could put it away, but as long as there looming out there unanswered i cannot get past it. Come to think of it this is not just with a circumstance like this but with almost everything. I need to know the details, the specifics and I have a very difficult time just dropping something that i have questions about.

Also, does anyone else have a really almost photographic (not the right word, different sense) memory for what people say? I remember the exact wording of everything everyone says. Is that an ADD thing?

Well, in all of my relationships my S.O. and I were very open and honest about our previous partners. So it totally blew my mind when my sister and her husband did not communicate the same way. Like, I might mention a previous boyfriend of my sis's and her hubby would be like "who's that?" :confused:

But when it comes to remembering people's words, I am very bad at that. I just don't pay attention. I will get the general idea and then just move on. So when I repeat something that someone has said I tend to mutilate it completely! :rolleyes:

-Diane

I have to say I couldn't possibly care less what my partner's previous relationships were like, except to the extent that some of them are still friends with her and therefore I do know who they are, or they had a lasting effect on her emotions/personality, etc, so she's still "recovering" from them if you see what I mean...

She's very careful not to upset me by talking about past boyfriends, etc., which I think is very funny because like I say, I just don't give a darn. I mean, why should I? She's mine now, isn't she?

Of course, that's just me, I understand there are quite a lot of people who don't think the same way...

Yea, well I guess I didn't explain this quite right.

Its not exactly past in the sense that they call each other every couple of days. That bugs me, but I suppose maybe I have a double standard.

I mean I keep in touch with my old boyfriends too- we are friends. I'm just freaking about this now cause I've got a million other issues on my plate but none I can do much about- and for some reason my meds have thrown me for a loop mood wise. I'm going to see my doc manana- i feel like a runaway train sometimes.

I wasn't trying to criticize you or tell you you aren't normal, just saying how I feel... like I say I have heard a lot of people describe themselves or others as feeling the same sort of way as you do...

Hey its ok, no offence taken.

Thing is my deal about putting complete pictures together. HA! Once again the effort to complete things appears!!! I have to check everything before I form one of my many opinions.

this was my point... i think

Ya.

That was me.

Now i figure, the less I know the better.

That was then, this is now.

Good luck.

oh man, i am striving to achieve the "ignorance is bliss" realm....


Do I take a right or a left at the light?


thanks.

Try and let it go. It doesn't matter coz they're with you now. The thing to note is that whatever happened, the previous relationships have ended and there's no point flogging a dead horse and making yourself miserable. Just enjoy the time you have together so that you don't end up in the past relationships pile.

I disagree, I wouldn't just let it go. You are clearly having an emotional problem of some sort here and just trying to "let it go" is not going to solve anything... you need to figure out why this is bothering you, because problems just don't "go away" on their own... if you don't do anything about it you will probably keep feeling this way for the rest of your life...

IMHO that would mean either talking to a counselor of some kind, or maybe a really good and perceptive friend who you know you can trust.

Trying to work it out with your partner is also an option, but it's a risky one, as it could be a very emotional process for one or both of you...

Yup, which is why i'm headed into my therapist today. I pushed it really too hard with my boyfriend recently and it became a huge and very emotionally charged couple of days. I know I am an abandonment issue here. I had a really nasty blow up in my marriage- too much to go into. Thanks for the reality check- I am just making myself miserable.

Best of luck to you.

BTW, I think my wife has a lot in common with you, actually. :D

That was an interesting typo

I AM AN ABANDONMENT ISSUE

well-at least i still have my sense of humor!!!!

Are you sure you are dealing with an abandonment issue? You seem to have several friends and a boyfriend to. Is your BF ADD? You may actullay be feeling lonely. I mean as in having the support you need to manage your add. I know that sometimes I feel peole don't understand. I get in this mind set that unless you have what I have you can't possibly know what I feel. But, then I feel bad because there are people out there who are in alot worse shape than I am and they survive. So, please when talking to your therapisit make sure you examine all the underlying issues as well

Ok, how about this. That issue has resolved itself do to me pushing it to the nth degree and my BF though incredibly ****ed and frustrated with me is still here. So things go ok for a couple of days and then some other thing pops up and I ruin a wonderful day with some ANTs about this or that.

Note: We are both in highly stressful situations right now, money, employment, my divorce (now into its 19th month!), kids problems, etc..

I'm thinking the stress is just aggravating my ability to "let sleeping dogs lie". I've got to stop this-overthinking everything and having it result in some negative issue. Can anyone overthink things toward a positive result?

Originally posted by jahaage

Also, does anyone else have a really almost photographic (not the right word, different sense) memory for what people say? I remember the exact wording of everything everyone says. Is that an ADD thing?

That kind of memory is special, and not part of ADD.

What I meant by try and let it go, was that sometimes intrusive thoughts can get stuck in your head (regardless of whether they are rational or not). The idea here is not to bury it and pretend that the thoughts and feelings don't exist, but to face it head on and confront yourself with whether you have a real basis for your concern of if it is something in your head. If you have a real basis for your concern (eg, he's cheated on you or something) than you're vindicated. If not, and you can see that you are not thinking rational thought, feeling rational feelings and causing tension in your relationship, then my suggestion is talk to your doc about Obsessive compulsive disorder. OCD is not all about compulsions, it can be obsessions only. I was told I had OCD recently even though I don't have compulsions. What happens to me is that a thought enters my head and I can't let it go and I can make everyone's lives a misery if I don't stop myself. Maybe this is happening to you. If it is, please get help. There are some good meds out there so you don't need to suffer coz ultimately, even though you might be driving you BF crazy, the one who is really suffering here is you.

I want to know everything possible also. I don't want to find out next year.
I am not the jealous sort either. I just want to know the experiences and feelings that make them, them. Then I can get the big picture and know whether or not the are a worthy pursuit.
I over- share about myself as well. Its the phycoanalist in me.
I just want to know!

I know exactly what you are talking about. It's easier to recognize how damaging this type of behavior is when someone else is doing it, isn't it? I know now that this type of behavior cost me my first marriage but two years later I got married to a wonderful man who is very supportive and loving, which has helped a lot. Initially, we had similar situations, but now we talk these things through before they become an issue. He takes my insecurities very seriously. It has also helped to be on Zoloft (just 50 mg daily). I came off it twice and I think then one is more extreme for a while, so now I am resigned to taking this tiny amount on an ongoing basis. It certainly keeps the waters calm. I don't know if any of this is a help to you; I hope so.

I am an over shareer as well, when I get into a new relationship I lay it all on the table. As this make me feel closer to the woman I am with. I have found through the years that other people don't do this like I do.... I usually feel like they tell me everything but I usually end up finding out more as the relationship progresses, either from them telling me or me just being plain nosey.

I was in a relationship with someone that refused to share details of past relationships with me... specifically dealing with an individual that she said was her "friend" I just wanted to know if they ever made love and she constantly denied it, if she would have just told me the truth I would not have been mad at all. But she never did tell me and I ended up finding out on my own. Needless to say we are no longer together because she ended up dumping me for someone else.... It had nothing to do with me being intrusive ... we just were not right for each other.

To me honesty means alot and if you just tell me what I ask then i'm happy but to keep something from me that I have asked about and me finding out on my own really hurts.

Just my rant.... sometimes it helps to whine to others =P

My advise to others is please just tell someone about what they ask.... will it kill for them to know.. your in a relationship to share not have secrets that you and someone other than your spouse or S.O. share.

HI there.

Your boyfriend talks to his ex EVERY COUPLE DAYS? Perhaps I have "issues" too, but I could not stand that for eight seconds! The only truly loud and insane fight my husband and I ever had was when he was chatting on the phone with an ex (live-in) girlfriend right in front of me after we were married. If there's EVER been sex involved, I don't wanna hear the old "you're being silly" stuff! Why is it silly to think that a person who loves you would respect you enough to say bye-bye to this last person? I guess it depends on how "serious" your relationship is, and I can't say I'm the most secure person on a planet.

Are you being insecure -- or is your man giving you something to be insecure about? Talking to an ex at Christmas or once in a blue moon is one thing -- but every other day is, well, still a bond as far as I'm concerned.

Also, for your man to blow off your (very understandable) concerns with the "don't be silly" stuff sounds thoughtless -- maybe you need someone who will cherish you more than that!

:)