View Full Version : New to this, and need help
I have never posted anything on a forum before. My mom uses one and suggest i use one. My dad has adhd, and every boyfriend i have had has adhd. my current boyfriend has adhd, gad, and generalized anixety disorder. He takes medication for the gad and the anixety disorder, but nothing for the adhd. he always loses his keys, hats, anything. i feel like he is totally dependent on me, and i do enable him. i do things for him that he is capable of doing. he has a very short temper, so i have to be careful of what i say, cause if i dont he says i am yelling at him or patronizing him. even telling him that he has an apt in 10 min ****es him off, but two minutes later he is asking what time his apt. is at. I am totally frustrated and dont know what to do. i'm 21 and my mom says outside advise might be helpful, because with her i get defensive about him, but with others i don't. guess i need people to talk to that understand what i am coping with.
05-01-06, 10:20 PM
Welcome to the ADD forums, LauLau!
It's so great you decided to come to the ADD forums to try to understand your bf and his ADHD.
I suggest that you read posts throughout the various forums will help give you an idea of what ADHD is about and how we deal with it.
Do you know why he isn't seeking treatment for ADHD?
05-01-06, 10:39 PM
GAD is general anxiety disorder btw.
All I can think of after reading your post is - if he's frustrating you this much now, I'd rethink the relationship. The littlest irritants become HUGE after marriage.
he isnt seeking help for the adhd because he doesnt think that it is effecting his life all that much. he really doesnt see it as a problem, but he is dealing with his GAD and social anixety, with meds. but refuses to see a counsellor, because they dont help and they would just be "lecturing him" as he says. It is so frustrating. he does work, but not a great job, not great money and when he is short money his mom pays his bills, along with doing his laundry, cleaning his romm, and other things. and in regards to rethinking the relationship my mom has said that it will only get harder in a marrage, but i dont think i could do it right now. i'm scared that it would hurt him to much. i've heard my mom talk to my dad about a divorce, and he flips, says he has cancer, and is dying. other stupid things. what to do what to do
05-01-06, 10:50 PM
Oh honey, it's never good to stay with someone because you want to spare their feelings. It will hurt them a lot more the longer you put it off. And if he's not right for you, then you're not right for him, so you're really doing both of you a favor by stepping away if that's the right thing.
I don't know if it is or not, only you can decide that.
ADDers are VERY hard to have relationships with (unless you have ADD too :D ).
For now, perhaps you could both get into couple counseling?
Maybe he's the right guy for you and just needs some fine tuning as far as getting himself under control.
he won't go to counsilling for himself, i dont think he would do couples. the other thing that frustrates me is because of his GAD he cant go out to public places with out having attacks, and yet on saturday he is going bowling with the boys(not the problem) but he can't go out with me for dinner or a movie. is there something more comforting with males, the two friends he has,, both have adhd as well. i live with an adder, date one, and his friends are ADDers, i'm not complaining i guess, but it is hard. i kind of understand what he is going through, my dad has it and we have learned how to cope iwth it, but we still walk on eggshells with him. my dad and my boyfriend (call him BOB) have much in common. they both lose things, last year my dad went away and left his blackberry in the hotel, Bob, left his keys at a resturant and wouldnt go back and get them, so his mom went and got them. i find some of these thing humors, but at the same time frustraiting.
05-01-06, 11:04 PM
I have social phobia too. I guess he might feel more comfortable with the "boys" but it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I mean, there's a lot of strangers in a bowling alley. But he can just talk to his buddies. But if he went out to dinner or a movie with you, he could just talk to you too!
So that has me perplexed.
I find it odd, also, that you said you walk on eggshells with these ADD men in your life. Usually it's the ADDers walking on eggshells around the "norms" (non ADDers).
I can only say "If I was you..." -
If I was you and my boyfriend wouldn't go to couples counseling with me even though I wanted it, he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore.
You might find a lot about what it would be like down the road with him if you give him the ultimatum to either attend couple's counseling with you or you'll leave him.
if i gave him that ultimatum, he would say good bye. then to top the iceburg, he is talking to his x-gf, that we had problems with 2 years ago, he nearly left me for her but didn't, and now he is talking to her again.what the heck do i do. i'm to scared to leave him, cause of how he will feel, and that i'm to scared to be alone, but my god, it has to end somewhere
05-12-06, 09:40 AM
Hi LauLau - if you gave him the ulimatum and he left you, you wouldn't be the one doing the leaving then. You're only left with being scared to be alone, which may be more peaceful than you think.
chameleon - I'm a nonADDer and I feel I'm walking on eggshells OFTEN with my ADD H - how should I say things, ask for favors, suggest a plan, is it a good time to talk, what mood will he be in, is he exhausted? I feel my feelers are out doing overtime!
05-13-06, 10:59 AM
You've got some good advice here. I really sense that your bf is not one with you, plus he is in denial about his ADD affecting his life. Possibly this is because of his perspective as being an average person, and having freinds and relatives maybe with ADD also which might confirm his hypothesis.
At any rate, this is not likely to change and certainly your irritation will grow hugely after you are married, if this is the "honeymoon" part of the relationship you see it will not improve.
I shy away from any guy who cannot choose between women clearly and concisely, and set appropriate boundaries.This ends up always being uncomfortable for the new woman and frankly, do you need more of this to add to what you are already dealing with?
Please consider the great advice above and even though it's painful, I really go with the group on "taking steps" in the other direction. There are other guys out there that could be a much better match for you, whether they are add or not.
Much luck with this LauLau, you're in a hard position for sure.
well **** it the fan the other night. i walked out on him...but i'm back with him. but were not seeing each other as often. he has decided to look into the ADD and now uses it as an excuse for anything. Even the little things. Haha. OMG. i think he gets the ADD from his dad, dont know if dad knows he has it. but he gets more crazy stuff from his mom. when i walked out on him, we had argured cause he was lying about something, he left all ****ed off, and his mom blamed ME for the problem, and making her son get in his car and drive away all ****ed off. i'm slowly getting towards leaving him. and when i left him, i learned that he wont leave me. i thought i was dependent he is even more so. but he said he wont talk to the x anymore...so kinda works for me