JH376
10-29-03, 06:18 PM
Hi. My name is Jeff. I stumbled across this forum yesterday while looking for something else. I’ve seen other web forums for add/adhd, but they all seem to not feel right to me. This one, on the other hand, feels very right to me.
Before I talk about myself, I want to let you know what I’m looking for out of this group of people (you). First, I’m looking for a set of virtual friends that I share something in common with, and whom I can talk with, who will understand where I’m coming from. I’m looking somewhat for emotional support, but even more, I’m looking for a group of people I can “bounce” ideas off of, to help make my adhd less of an obstacle in my life.
I’m 42 years old, and was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder 8 or 9 years ago. Around that time I came across some self-help book on add (don’t even remember the name), and by the end of page 1 I knew the author was talking about me. I finished the book within a couple of days, and a week after that I was in a psychologist’s office being tested for add (Woodcock-Johnson test). The results of that test were interesting, and I’ve only started appreciating the significance of it recently. For those who don’t know, the W-J test looks at different aspects of intelligence. It’s kind of an IQ test over different areas of intelligence: short- and long-term memory, logic, math ability, etc. Anyway, I tested very high on all of the areas, in the 95th-98th percentile. All areas, that is, except for short-term memory, where I scored in the 40th percentile. The psychologist told me that with this test they look for a uniformity of scores across all different areas, rather than the absolute score itself. He said that if I has scored in the 40th percentile range on everything, then I probably wouldn’t have add, but because I scored similarly on most things and low in only one area, is why I have add. Please understand that I don’t mean to brag about the high scores. I’m just pointing out that the low short-term memory I have provides a “bottle-neck” for everything my brain tries to do, and that’s why for me attention deficit disorder is so damn frustrating: most of my brain is normal, and just one part of it is holding everything else back. It’s almost like some Olympic athlete who lost an arm or a leg: they know what they are supposed to do; they just can’t. I know that this is not a scientific description of what’s going on for me but this is how it feels.
Here’s my background:
I was always a smart kid but also an underachiever and a daydreamer. In first grade I was almost a courier for daily notes between my teacher and my parents: “Jeffrey brings his body to school. When is he going to bring his head?” I always knew I could do the work, but I just didn’t do it for some reason. I would just sit there for hours and daydream or look out the window or look at someone’s shoe- for some reason all of these other activities were more interesting than paying attention to what was going on with the teacher. I managed to get through school and college (physics degree, with OK marks). I still feel like I missed a lot of the details. Also, I always felt out of place socially- unable to have social discussions with people without saying things that came from left field. I always had, and still have, trouble following conversations with people. Also, I can read books and then not remember anything about them afterwards.
I got a job as an engineer that I held for 6 years. I was laid off from that job and I always knew that it was for poor job performance. I went to another company for 9 years. I never moved up in rank there so I chose to leave for another company. I held that job for two years, until the company went out of business, when I got laid off again. I’m still unemployed. My work behavior always follows the same pattern: I could do amazing things, but only if I was really excited about the work. If I wasn’t interested, I would either drag my feet until the last possible moment, or not do it or anything at all. Also, after meeting some big goal, I would just kind of shut down for a while and not accomplish anything. Oops, I guess I’m the same way at home too.
My wife took a job out of state a year ago. She moved last September, and I followed her 6 months later (I stayed at home to finish out my job and to sell our house). We’re now living in rural New England, and I see no chance of work in my field around here. That’s all right with me, because I feel it’s time to get out of that field anyway. I just don’t know what I’ll do in its place. I have 2 months left before unemployment runs out and I’m looking for things. I don’t even think I would be good as a waiter in a restaurant because I’m too scatter-brained (oh by the way, did I mention that I have more than a dozen patents?)
My family life: I’ve been married to a wonderful woman for almost 7 years. She is very supportive of me and my add. But even before I was diagnosed, she would lecture me on my inability to come up with a plan and follow through on it. Now, even though we understand why I am the way I am, I’m afraid there is a limit to her infinite patience with me. Those excuses for “not doing” are only good for so long before wearing thin.
My wife has three kids from a previous marriage: a daughter in college, and twin boys in their last year of high school. One of the boys also has adhd, but I can tell it’s very different from mine: he’s doing great in school, is scary-smart (understands everything that is presented to him) and is over-confident to the point of being cocky. But since he does have adhd, he makes sloppy mistakes and has trouble with handwriting and fine-motor coordination. He’s also very “twitchy,” which I’m not (except when I sleep).
My drugs: I started off on Ritalin and stayed with it until maybe 6 months ago. At first it was great but it only helped me progress so far. People compare Ritalin to eyeglasses for people with bad vision. I’ll take that analogy one step farther by saying that even some people with glasses still don’t know how to read. For me I still don’t have the basic skills to be consistently productive (although I have tried my whole life to pick them up).
Six months ago I switched from Ritalin over to Straterra. I felt that Ritalin wasn’t working as well as it once had, and besides, it was always horrible to be around me when it wore off. I’m not sure how well the Straterra works yet. I will say that when I first started taking it I was a grouchy ******* for the first week or so.
I also have horrible anxiety attacks. Years ago (before starting Ritalin) I took BuSpar but didn’t like it. I tried Paxil briefly, but it made me really sluggish, so I switched to Effexor which I took for about 5 years. My latest doctor took me off Effexor because I wasn’t doing to well on it (I was getting fat, tired and very apathetic). He put me on Lexapro (10 mg/day). I like Lexapro very much. I don’t get anxious very often and I also don’t feel “drugged up” by it. I also have a bottle of beta-blockers (Propanolol) for emergencies (public speaking, interviews, etc). I haven’t taken any of that lately, but I do think beta blockers are amazing drugs for short-term anxiety producing events. I don’t know if my anxiety is tied to my add, but I bet add makes it worse.
That’s my background in a nutshell. The thing that frustrates me the most is my inability to do the basic things that are required for any kind of success, like keeping organized in my activities or thought. If a person gets bogged down in the day-to-day responsibilities, it’s hard to accomplish more advanced tasks.
I’m sick of trying to “manage” my add and really want to cure it, which I’m sure all of you do. In fact, that’s how I found this website. I was looking for information on Dore Achievement centers. By the way, I’m grateful for the information I got off this website, including a link to learningbeakthrough.com which looks like a much cheaper alternative. I’ve also looked into neurofeedback but haven’t gotten too far with that.
So again, here’s what I’d love help with: I want to know what people have done to improve their situation, hopefully in non-drug, permanent ways. I also want to know about people who have been able to find careers they enjoy, and how they went about finding them. I also want to support people in any way that I can. We’re all in this together.
One final thing: as a person with a scientific background, I’m always curious how people measure the effectiveness of a medication or activity. I’ve had trouble coming up with some “test” where you can show that you’re paying attention or thinking more clearly as a result of doing something. So if any of you have any kind of intelligence testing or reaction-testing software, I’d love to hear about it. I do have a piece of software called “BrainBuilder” which is supposed to improve your ability to remember longer and longer sequences of numbers (I haven’t used it enough to see a difference). I’m not sure that this software would be useful for what I’m trying to do, except that there’s a warmup exercise that tests reaction time. It’s possible that the warmup might be worth something in terms of checking progress.
That’s all for now. I’d love to hear comments from any of you, and am looking forward to meeting you all (at least in cyberspace).
Before I talk about myself, I want to let you know what I’m looking for out of this group of people (you). First, I’m looking for a set of virtual friends that I share something in common with, and whom I can talk with, who will understand where I’m coming from. I’m looking somewhat for emotional support, but even more, I’m looking for a group of people I can “bounce” ideas off of, to help make my adhd less of an obstacle in my life.
I’m 42 years old, and was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder 8 or 9 years ago. Around that time I came across some self-help book on add (don’t even remember the name), and by the end of page 1 I knew the author was talking about me. I finished the book within a couple of days, and a week after that I was in a psychologist’s office being tested for add (Woodcock-Johnson test). The results of that test were interesting, and I’ve only started appreciating the significance of it recently. For those who don’t know, the W-J test looks at different aspects of intelligence. It’s kind of an IQ test over different areas of intelligence: short- and long-term memory, logic, math ability, etc. Anyway, I tested very high on all of the areas, in the 95th-98th percentile. All areas, that is, except for short-term memory, where I scored in the 40th percentile. The psychologist told me that with this test they look for a uniformity of scores across all different areas, rather than the absolute score itself. He said that if I has scored in the 40th percentile range on everything, then I probably wouldn’t have add, but because I scored similarly on most things and low in only one area, is why I have add. Please understand that I don’t mean to brag about the high scores. I’m just pointing out that the low short-term memory I have provides a “bottle-neck” for everything my brain tries to do, and that’s why for me attention deficit disorder is so damn frustrating: most of my brain is normal, and just one part of it is holding everything else back. It’s almost like some Olympic athlete who lost an arm or a leg: they know what they are supposed to do; they just can’t. I know that this is not a scientific description of what’s going on for me but this is how it feels.
Here’s my background:
I was always a smart kid but also an underachiever and a daydreamer. In first grade I was almost a courier for daily notes between my teacher and my parents: “Jeffrey brings his body to school. When is he going to bring his head?” I always knew I could do the work, but I just didn’t do it for some reason. I would just sit there for hours and daydream or look out the window or look at someone’s shoe- for some reason all of these other activities were more interesting than paying attention to what was going on with the teacher. I managed to get through school and college (physics degree, with OK marks). I still feel like I missed a lot of the details. Also, I always felt out of place socially- unable to have social discussions with people without saying things that came from left field. I always had, and still have, trouble following conversations with people. Also, I can read books and then not remember anything about them afterwards.
I got a job as an engineer that I held for 6 years. I was laid off from that job and I always knew that it was for poor job performance. I went to another company for 9 years. I never moved up in rank there so I chose to leave for another company. I held that job for two years, until the company went out of business, when I got laid off again. I’m still unemployed. My work behavior always follows the same pattern: I could do amazing things, but only if I was really excited about the work. If I wasn’t interested, I would either drag my feet until the last possible moment, or not do it or anything at all. Also, after meeting some big goal, I would just kind of shut down for a while and not accomplish anything. Oops, I guess I’m the same way at home too.
My wife took a job out of state a year ago. She moved last September, and I followed her 6 months later (I stayed at home to finish out my job and to sell our house). We’re now living in rural New England, and I see no chance of work in my field around here. That’s all right with me, because I feel it’s time to get out of that field anyway. I just don’t know what I’ll do in its place. I have 2 months left before unemployment runs out and I’m looking for things. I don’t even think I would be good as a waiter in a restaurant because I’m too scatter-brained (oh by the way, did I mention that I have more than a dozen patents?)
My family life: I’ve been married to a wonderful woman for almost 7 years. She is very supportive of me and my add. But even before I was diagnosed, she would lecture me on my inability to come up with a plan and follow through on it. Now, even though we understand why I am the way I am, I’m afraid there is a limit to her infinite patience with me. Those excuses for “not doing” are only good for so long before wearing thin.
My wife has three kids from a previous marriage: a daughter in college, and twin boys in their last year of high school. One of the boys also has adhd, but I can tell it’s very different from mine: he’s doing great in school, is scary-smart (understands everything that is presented to him) and is over-confident to the point of being cocky. But since he does have adhd, he makes sloppy mistakes and has trouble with handwriting and fine-motor coordination. He’s also very “twitchy,” which I’m not (except when I sleep).
My drugs: I started off on Ritalin and stayed with it until maybe 6 months ago. At first it was great but it only helped me progress so far. People compare Ritalin to eyeglasses for people with bad vision. I’ll take that analogy one step farther by saying that even some people with glasses still don’t know how to read. For me I still don’t have the basic skills to be consistently productive (although I have tried my whole life to pick them up).
Six months ago I switched from Ritalin over to Straterra. I felt that Ritalin wasn’t working as well as it once had, and besides, it was always horrible to be around me when it wore off. I’m not sure how well the Straterra works yet. I will say that when I first started taking it I was a grouchy ******* for the first week or so.
I also have horrible anxiety attacks. Years ago (before starting Ritalin) I took BuSpar but didn’t like it. I tried Paxil briefly, but it made me really sluggish, so I switched to Effexor which I took for about 5 years. My latest doctor took me off Effexor because I wasn’t doing to well on it (I was getting fat, tired and very apathetic). He put me on Lexapro (10 mg/day). I like Lexapro very much. I don’t get anxious very often and I also don’t feel “drugged up” by it. I also have a bottle of beta-blockers (Propanolol) for emergencies (public speaking, interviews, etc). I haven’t taken any of that lately, but I do think beta blockers are amazing drugs for short-term anxiety producing events. I don’t know if my anxiety is tied to my add, but I bet add makes it worse.
That’s my background in a nutshell. The thing that frustrates me the most is my inability to do the basic things that are required for any kind of success, like keeping organized in my activities or thought. If a person gets bogged down in the day-to-day responsibilities, it’s hard to accomplish more advanced tasks.
I’m sick of trying to “manage” my add and really want to cure it, which I’m sure all of you do. In fact, that’s how I found this website. I was looking for information on Dore Achievement centers. By the way, I’m grateful for the information I got off this website, including a link to learningbeakthrough.com which looks like a much cheaper alternative. I’ve also looked into neurofeedback but haven’t gotten too far with that.
So again, here’s what I’d love help with: I want to know what people have done to improve their situation, hopefully in non-drug, permanent ways. I also want to know about people who have been able to find careers they enjoy, and how they went about finding them. I also want to support people in any way that I can. We’re all in this together.
One final thing: as a person with a scientific background, I’m always curious how people measure the effectiveness of a medication or activity. I’ve had trouble coming up with some “test” where you can show that you’re paying attention or thinking more clearly as a result of doing something. So if any of you have any kind of intelligence testing or reaction-testing software, I’d love to hear about it. I do have a piece of software called “BrainBuilder” which is supposed to improve your ability to remember longer and longer sequences of numbers (I haven’t used it enough to see a difference). I’m not sure that this software would be useful for what I’m trying to do, except that there’s a warmup exercise that tests reaction time. It’s possible that the warmup might be worth something in terms of checking progress.
That’s all for now. I’d love to hear comments from any of you, and am looking forward to meeting you all (at least in cyberspace).