View Full Version : Will I ever find the right person???


Fluvial_Shell
05-07-06, 03:40 PM
No, this isn't about romantic relationships. I've got one--my wife--and she's wonderful. It's about therapists! I would pull my hair out--if only I had enough to spare--I'm so frustrated with running into dead ends with shrinks.

Basically my problem is this--after meeting with 5 or 6 different counselors in the past decade (1 MSW, 1 DSW, 3 PhD's and 1 PsyD, not to mention an M.D.), I don't feel like I ever got directed help for my problems. No one "gets me." I've heard people report wonderful, long relationships with "life-saving" shrinks, but my experiences have been consistently unhelpful. Not one ever suggested ADD, and it took my wife to suggest getting tested for the condition. The thorough testing yielded overwhelmingly positive results for impaired executive mental functioning and slow processing speeds--ADHD-Inattentive Type.

To give you an idea of where I've been, here are some quotes from counseling over the years, either directly or with "softer" words, in no particular order:
* "You don't have any clinical condition. I think you're just stubborn." (direct quote, DSW)
* "I think you just need to have some severe failures--lose your job and your health insurance a couple times." (a PhD behaviorist)
* "You need to get a handle on your behavior, because no therapy or drugs can help you with that." (psychiatrist)
* Me to MSW counselor: "Do you think I'm lazy?" [pregnant, pregnant pause]..."No...um"...[more pause]..."No...I think you're depressed."
* "You can't explain your problems in terms of ADD. You can try, but you're just avoiding the real issues that you have to work on yourself." (a PhD couselor, direct quote...no kidding.)
* "Why don't you look for a simpler job--one with less responsibility and pay?" (different PhD counselor)
* "Looking for an easier job won't make these issues go away...but it could be a place to start."

WHAT am I paying these people for? I thought that psychotherapy was designed to guide people to meaningful insights about their feelings and behavioral patterns so that they can resolve their psychological turmoil, unhappiness, improve their relationships, and face the challenges they must face to improve their lives. Other than the very first counselor I had several years ago, who offerred insight simply because I had never been exposed to therapy at all, none have offerred that insight or platform for transformation.

I feel sad and frustrated, because no one seemed to GET ME! No one seems to provide any insight. I feel like Good Will Hunting--not that I'm super smart--but these people have offerred me nothing that an average-wisdom, common-sense parent could offer. "Work harder, keep your chin up, hold your tongue if you're angry, make a daily list and stick to it." ummm....DUH!!!

So I end up just leaving, and then my life degenerates to the point that I feel--I hope--that someone, somewhere must be able to help. So I try again. Often the first session or two (including all the administration and screening) are promising, only to find that the same dull comments await me when we get down to the specific problems. Standard positive: "You're a very smart guy--you've got a lot going for you." Or standard tough-love: "If you don't start doing what you need to do, you're just going to keep slipping down."

The rational mind inside me has a hard time not seeing a pattern here--namely, it's not them, it's me. And all I'm left to think is this: if over half-a-dozen mental health professionals think that there is nothing clinically wrong with me and have nothing to provide other than tick-off statments crafted to drive me away, then maybe I am just a lazy, stubborn @$$h@!e ($$h@!e).

I still have this fantasy. I imagine that there's some Robin Williams looking dork who's been knocked around by his own mind and emotions for years but figured it out, found his place in life, etc., who listens to me, laughs a hearty laugh, and says, "Gee, guy, I feel like I'm hearing myself a decade ago. I know exactly how you feel, and it sucks. Man, let me tell you how it sucks! So let me tell you what WE are going to do here, and you tell me if I'm full of $#!%. It's not quick, and it will take a while, but there is an END! There is a plan and there is a goal. You will feel better, and you will improve."

Is this just a dream? Or am I truly alone in my uniqueness--a creative but stubborn jerk who will always be stuck in his psycho-emotional ruts, running from his fears and responsibilities...?

Uminchu
05-11-06, 06:35 PM
Hi FS:

One suggestion I would make would be to find a therapist who specializes in ADHD in adults. It seems like practice is lagging a bit behind science in this field...

As for lazy: I went through the first 35 years of my life believing I was lazy. Lazy and crazy. What I could never figure out was why, if I was so lazy, I was working twice as hard as everyone around me in order to hide the fact that I was lazy... :faint:

PicklesPears
05-11-06, 06:50 PM
Okay, slow down. Tell me something. <moderator removed religious reference> That makes a world of difference. I had to learn that the hard way. Like sky diving with or without a parachute. I choose with.

Next, really...these people are only human. I asked my physician, who is really good, who is a really good psychiatrist for the meds first. And he asked what personality do I want & male or female. I said male or female & I wanted someone really layed back and calm and really stable and very comforting but not too crowdy. Very calm and not easily shaken.

Got a wonderful woman for my meds. She said I needed a psychologist for ADHD counseling. I went on web & searched for ADD & ADHD specialists (psychologists) within a 50 mile radius. Quality is worth a drive to me.

Next, I read all the bios & looked at their pictures & websites. I printed out about 15 or 20 of them. I narrowed it down. And down and down. I took a list of maybe 6 to my psychiatrist & asked if she could recommend three or any or all from my list of good people to counsel with. She picked three she knew were good & were very calm, very calm types who had it all together. I re-read the bios. I eliminated some for whatever reason I could. And prayed. And picked the one with the name I liked, bio I liked & group of psychologists I knew I could trust. And then figured F-it. Either he'll work out or not. One way to find out. And kept the other bios. And prayed a lot. For him and for me.

Then you need to not expect them to "fix" everything. If they care about you, & you can establish this rapport in 4 sessions or 5, you have got a lot. Just if you know in your heart they CARE about you. And I used patience, and I didn't like all he had to say & every time wasn't a picnic & sometimes I thought I might replace him, but I've had much, much worse & for now he's helping me with some things I need help with & I do most of the work on my own & do a lot of reading. Nobody's perfect. When or if it becomes such that hs isn't useful to me anymore, I will thank him profusely for putting up with my poor, pitiful, irritating, depressing, annoying self & move on, grateful to have had one person who gave a sh__ about me for once in my life. Which is more than I've ever had before. My hubbie cares, but he doesn't get all this ADHS/depression stuff. He can only help to the extent that he can -- he loves me & is there for me overall. But hubbie can't do all the things for me the psychologist can & you just don't get everything from one person.

<moderator removed religous reference> And also use positive self-talk & stamp out ANTS - automatic negative thoughts. Lots of work but worth it.

No, this isn't about romantic relationships. I've got one--my wife--and she's wonderful. It's about therapists! I would pull my hair out--if only I had enough to spare--I'm so frustrated with running into dead ends with shrinks.

Basically my problem is this--after meeting with 5 or 6 different counselors in the past decade (1 MSW, 1 DSW, 3 PhD's and 1 PsyD, not to mention an M.D.), I don't feel like I ever got directed help for my problems. No one "gets me." I've heard people report wonderful, long relationships with "life-saving" shrinks, but my experiences have been consistently unhelpful. Not one ever suggested ADD, and it took my wife to suggest getting tested for the condition. The thorough testing yielded overwhelmingly positive results for impaired executive mental functioning and slow processing speeds--ADHD-Inattentive Type.

To give you an idea of where I've been, here are some quotes from counseling over the years, either directly or with "softer" words, in no particular order:
* "You don't have any clinical condition. I think you're just stubborn." (direct quote, DSW)
* "I think you just need to have some severe failures--lose your job and your health insurance a couple times." (a PhD behaviorist)
* "You need to get a handle on your behavior, because no therapy or drugs can help you with that." (psychiatrist)
* Me to MSW counselor: "Do you think I'm lazy?" [pregnant, pregnant pause]..."No...um"...[more pause]..."No...I think you're depressed."
* "You can't explain your problems in terms of ADD. You can try, but you're just avoiding the real issues that you have to work on yourself." (a PhD couselor, direct quote...no kidding.)
* "Why don't you look for a simpler job--one with less responsibility and pay?" (different PhD counselor)
* "Looking for an easier job won't make these issues go away...but it could be a place to start."

WHAT am I paying these people for? I thought that psychotherapy was designed to guide people to meaningful insights about their feelings and behavioral patterns so that they can resolve their psychological turmoil, unhappiness, improve their relationships, and face the challenges they must face to improve their lives. Other than the very first counselor I had several years ago, who offerred insight simply because I had never been exposed to therapy at all, none have offerred that insight or platform for transformation.

I feel sad and frustrated, because no one seemed to GET ME! No one seems to provide any insight. I feel like Good Will Hunting--not that I'm super smart--but these people have offerred me nothing that an average-wisdom, common-sense parent could offer. "Work harder, keep your chin up, hold your tongue if you're angry, make a daily list and stick to it." ummm....DUH!!!

So I end up just leaving, and then my life degenerates to the point that I feel--I hope--that someone, somewhere must be able to help. So I try again. Often the first session or two (including all the administration and screening) are promising, only to find that the same dull comments await me when we get down to the specific problems. Standard positive: "You're a very smart guy--you've got a lot going for you." Or standard tough-love: "If you don't start doing what you need to do, you're just going to keep slipping down."

The rational mind inside me has a hard time not seeing a pattern here--namely, it's not them, it's me. And all I'm left to think is this: if over half-a-dozen mental health professionals think that there is nothing clinically wrong with me and have nothing to provide other than tick-off statments crafted to drive me away, then maybe I am just a lazy, stubborn @$$h@!e.

I still have this fantasy. I imagine that there's some Robin Williams looking dork who's been knocked around by his own mind and emotions for years but figured it out, found his place in life, etc., who listens to me, laughs a hearty laugh, and says, "Gee, guy, I feel like I'm hearing myself a decade ago. I know exactly how you feel, and it sucks. Man, let me tell you how it sucks! So let me tell you what WE are going to do here, and you tell me if I'm full of $#!%. It's not quick, and it will take a while, but there is an END! There is a plan and there is a goal. You will feel better, and you will improve."

Is this just a dream? Or am I truly alone in my uniqueness--a creative but stubborn jerk who will always be stuck in his psycho-emotional ruts, running from his fears and responsibilities...?

lovinghearts
06-13-06, 10:53 PM
I have been dating this person for a short time , there is so much good about him... and at the same time this horrible creature of negativity comes out of him... it is a wild spin..... his past was not on the straight and narrow... but it has been 17 years since he stopped doing the really bad stuff and about 10 with alcohol, he is ADHD.... and i notice how he puts the biggest negative spins on things... I have decided to react in a loving way... but he blames me for things.... i really didn't do... it is like he imagines the worst possible things... i usually don't know that his head has been spinning... until the next day... by then he has clammed up and there is nothing I can do to fix it... I have found myself saying I am sorry, you have gotten upset, but i didn't say that.... I will stop and explain, every detail, and most likely every word.. but, it is like he thinks maybe i made it up... and that it is better for him to continue his negative thoughts. I can't make his saddness go away or his anger... he will have already convinced himself... that i have done something bad to him..... it is wierd... he can love me so much and then in a heart beat, have hate in his eyes. This last time , huh it almost scared me ... well it did scare me.... he decided to say.... Goodbye.... and i stood there trying to figure out what happened again... anyway he went out of town.... and a few days later,,, sends an e-mail... telling me he can't accept the way i am because i hurt his feelings... when i merely said... i am so tired i have to sleep, get me to the door, i will miss you... he is angry because i didn't give him a hug and kiss... and insisted i was angry and that i said no words..
I really need to go home to sleep I had to be awake in 3 hours to do some work.....
Anyway that is just one scenario... I really like him and i have had fun... now he can't stand me and all i want to do is help him... i think he really can't help seeing things the way he does... any suggestions for here.????... I know he still meets with people i think that are supporters of drug and alcohol, but i don't think there are counselors that are around, i don't know that for sure .... i know there are ways to try to train yourself from negative thoughts,,,,, but you have to want to do something about it first... i have responded to him in loving ways even though... my heart has tears... I recently tried to send happy thoughts to him... but he came back saying bad things... i think i shouldn't be responsive to him any more.... i don't know what do you... i feel sad for him, i wish i could erase his pain... i guess i wish we could be around each other... when he feels happy thinking eventually he could focus on positive happy stuff rather then negative yucky stuff that really doesn't exist.
Any suggestions...
lovinghearts

PicklesPears
06-14-06, 08:29 AM
:) It sounds really horrible for me to say such a thing, I'm sure. But, please trust me -- this man will make you miserable right along with him. Move on & ask God to put someone else in your life. Someone who isn't recovering from drug or alcohol abuse & behaving as he does. It sounds like there may be other undiagnosed psychiatrict problems underneath what you already see. He may not be diagnosed yet or whatever, but he will only get worse. Because once you get serious and tie the knot, you can take their wonderful & good behavior and multiply it by about .00001 and that is how much you will get after 2 or 3 years of marriage & you can take their pre-marriage horrible and not good behavior and multiply it by about 10 & that is what you will live with every day. Life is short. Be happy. This guy doesn't need to know it -- but you need to know it -- he's not going to be a happy, healthy, good-to-be-with mate. If he did, it would be and out and out miracle & if a miracle really happens, you'll hear about it because if will be a miracle and the whole town/world will hear about it.

I've been around the block with guys like these & with guys who have a much better shot at being a decent husband. Marriage to a person like what you've described is like getting your teeth pulled out slowly over and over again day after day. Marriage to even the finest of the crop with no previous or whatever addictions & weird mood swings is even extremely difficult at times. Even with Prince Charming who is nearly perfect -- in 12 years, there will be times when you look up and go, "Lord, why didn't I stay single?" Marriage is very hard. You need to at least start with a good prospect. It has glorious moments, but it is sooooooooo I mean sooooooooo hard. And you are dragging both of your dead carcasses up a 90 degree angle hill if your mate isn't able to at least match your best efforts to make the marriage work. And men are notoriously lazy about relationship maintenance once they get married. It's just a societal thing -- they think they are done courting you once you get home from the honeymoon. Or they show signs of chivalry & charm the first couple/few years & then, wow. Who the heck is this slob who won't bathe & won't get up to help me with anything around the house, who makes me do the heavy lifting and grouses and snarls at me like I'm a piece of dirt or something. Some men, I hear, are dreamboats -- about maybe one guy in 2 million. About another 5000 in 2 million are trainable to become decent husbands. And another 1 million are pretty lousy husband once you get them unwrapped, but they don't hit you, so you just stay and make the best of it. And the remainder should be labeled, "Do not date or invest your time, which leads to your heart, with because it will only make you and whatever kids you eventually have.....miserable."

It can be done -- a great marriage. But a great choice of guy & both working very hard to keep the marriage alive is essential for that.

Fluvial_Shell
06-14-06, 10:39 AM
These last two posts by Lovinghearts and PicklesPears don't really have anything to do with my initial thread. I'm a little confused as to how LovingHearts post evolved here. It's fine, I guess--be it far from me to say who should say what and where. But just wanted to let you know that the initial point of this thread was about finding and dealing with psychotherapists. Perhaps I should have made that clearer in the title.

dormammau2008
06-14-06, 07:52 PM
well loveing hearts what do you went to happen?? dorm>>> fluvial??? what was the origanl thread if you dont mind me asking??? and wellcome as well fluvail to the froums i hope you find what your looking 4 an the freinds here two dorm

william tell
06-14-06, 08:31 PM
LOL Fluvial_Shell, They didn't even read your post probably, I read at least the first few paragraphs and I get your gist, I haven't sought out too many therapists but out of the three the first one was ok , but kept wanting me to read different books so I could diagnose myself , the second was just a suck up and I disliked him the third and current is a adhd specialist and I have the utmost respect for him -he helps clarify things in my mind.

Lovinghearts and PicklesPears -whom are you speaking to ? perhaps they are writing they're post in Word and copyed them to the wrong thread

lovinghearts
06-16-06, 03:24 AM
Too all lovinghearts here... I apologize, I did read the original... found this site..with the original thread... "will i ever find the right person"... knowing it was about counselng/ and psychologist... read it and by the time I loaded in to the Forum... I started expressing what happened to me...That was inconsiderate, I did not mean to go off track... anyway thats all for now.

Lovinghearts

QueensU_girl
06-17-06, 07:50 PM
Unskilled clinicians tend to blame the patient, i think.

Try to network with other ADDers in your area, to find out what clinicians work for them.

Also -- make a MASTER LIST of your concerns, deficits and GOALS for therapy and for "life".

Take this with you to your first app't when you interview new clinicians.

dormammau2008
07-02-06, 06:57 PM
best things in life to work for your self with the help ofve the clinicians an never take all that they have to say dorm