First time writing - sorry in advance for the length, and thanks for the chance to be candid!
After a whirlwind romance, I've been married to my ADD H for 3 yrs. (Unofficially diagnosed, but we both have no doubts he's ADD) As ADD behaviors and my sensitivity to them presented themselves literally on our honeymoon and thruout our newly married adjustment period, I scrambled to figure out what was going on. What's my baggage? Who is this Jekyll/Hyde man I married? How can I stop being in conflict with him and yet have my emotional needs met on a regular basis - without losing my mind because most disagreements/hurt feelings are deflected as MY fault, MY insecurities, MY lack of ability to ease up and have fun, MY being unable to let go of UNRESOLVED past hurts because we can't communicate well enough to sooth them.
After 6-8 early visits to a therapist that my ADD H didn't like/won't go back to, I at least felt my feelings were valid (I wasn't crazy) but we'd only begun to figure out that ADD was involved. After many trips to Barnes & Noble and a couple of near missed self-diagnosis, (2 books on Narcissism, 1 good book on healthy fighting skills by John Gottman, a book on Passionate Marriage - trying to improve our connection/intimacy) I read ADD & Romance, Halverstadt, where our ADD behaviors/nonADD responses rang true! I read it thru and my H & I are reading it together at a snails pace. He admits that he now understands why he does certain things, but he's clearly offended by how often Medication is suggested.
Understanding ADD better has diffused some of my frustration and I'm trying not to take things so personal, but I feel I'm trying to cap more & more of my reactions to behaviors that regularly make me feel insignificant. So, within a natural cycle of cause and effect-my effect needs to change-it feels like I'm turning myself inside out-how to be me, without being me? On a good day I can be fairly positive. When we're in a series of bad days (our communication appears cyclical - a peak that dwindles to several days (3-7) of distance), I lose my own center/sense of self.
In Dec. my stepson(17) told my H he thought H was unhappy married to me. Actually, my stepson & stepdaughter(21) had quite a talk about me IN FRONT OF THEIR MOTHER - so H's exwife was the one to first bring it up to H. From their perspective, we argue too much over ridiculous things. H did a nice job speaking to both kids, explaining that relationships are different and while their Mom didn't argue as much with him or in her current marriage, I tend to stand up for myself. He asked that they talk directly to him/us and that our household not be open for discussion w/their Mom - all 3 know their Mom over-reacts/meddles and she had indeed started to call him regularly at work.
In April, exwife called H regarding an awards ceremony, to ask that I not attend, because I am mean to her kids! She cited examples that distorted 2 things that I had said in our home in front of her son. H told her it wasn't her decision & she apologized (2 days in a row). H & I spoke w/stepson the following weekend to ask how/why our misquoted conversations ended up at his Mom's house. He denied it even after ex-wife said the conversation took place between son/daughter. H asked son to apologize or explain why he felt he didn't need to. Apology accepted. The next night, stepson calls H and all Hell has broken loose - he's furious that he was made to apologize, his sister is angry at her Dad, I should never have known of their Dec conversations - she was unaware of conversation she was supposed to have had (so ex-wife lied??) and I'm the bad guy again! Stepson boycotted coming 2 weekends so far ("while she's here") and we're waiting for stepdaughter to be available for all 4 of us to talk.
My H's exwife & kids have NO IDEA how ADD effects our relationship or how it effected theirs in the past. Not having lived with their Dad since they were 5/9, they've come to know the happy, whirlwind, fun-loving guy of the weekends who is now being tethered by "stick in the mud" me. They don't know that we battle over chores/renovations, that our finances are completely separate and he's saved nothing for retirement but has money to play (he's 52) to name a few stressors. Meanwhile...I'm being voted off the island...
I'm looking at a relationship that is emotionally dysfunctional - left for me to fix because I'm the only one having a problem. It doesn't bother H that we are very distant, in fact I think he's more comfortable there. He is actively self-medicating with golf - tennis - computer flying games - watching the Stanley Cup (Go Buffalo Sabres!).
I could go to a therapist ($90/hr - my money) to be heard (lucky you guys-I'm here instead!) but I fear I'd come to the conclusion that I should walk away. So here's where you work your magic:(. How do I distance myself from all of this to try to keep my healthy center intact? Owning an apartment of my own comes to mind, but it's way out of budget. Oh - I didn't mention that I myself have 2 girls 11/14 that I'm trying to stay emotionally present/healthy around too. Sorry if this is one big complaint - I guess I needed to be heard.:faint:

Hi Redhead:

Welcome to the forums!

Lots of stuff going on here... One thing that kind of jumped out to me: your husband feels insulted about talk of meds? I wonder why this is. Does he know that medications are the most proven treatment for ADHD known? Some would say they're the only truly effective one, although other treatments can ease some of the comorbid issues that often tag along.

It also sounds like you need a few more degrees of separation from the ex wife, and some sanity time for yourself. :)

Hi Uminchu -
Thanks for your welcome and reply! I can only speculate about my husband's response about meds - he's quite defensive and deflective in general. I think his self-esteem would be at risk if he were to admit needing regular meds. I've heard a wonderful analogy used that if you found out you had diabetes you wouldn't hold off from taking insulin, but because of the defensiveness, I feel I walk a fine line when I might be perceived as "educating" him about himself or ADD.

Thanks for your last line - I burst into tears! Regarding the ex wife, my husband has said he looks forward to the day that he only communicates directly to his kids and I suggested that it start now...but I think it's easier for him to go along status quo than to suggest that outright to her. I did start this week trying to take stress-release time for myself - trying to figure out what will take my mind off all this...and how to not feel so lonely.

Wow Redhead. What a mess.
Being a step parent is never easy. Keep in mind that his kids might have boycotted any woman that had married him next after their mom.
First of all, I would say stop fighting in front of the children. Let not one single argument take place within their earshot. In fact, be EXTRA loving to their dad in front of them, even if you're not quite feeling it at the moment.
THEN if any ruckus is raised by their mom finding out about any hardships you and your husband are going through you'll know EXACTLY where the leak is.

Next problem. You've married a man without seeing his flaws until after the marriage. Oops! Happens all the time. He is probably having the same eye-opening experience concerning you.
It takes time to iron things out, and combining two ready-made families tend to expose those issues sooner.
I know your feelings are hurt right now, and that's not fair that they've made you feel that way. Show them how much strength of character you have and rise above the petty bickering. Show your husband's kids nothing but love even though they're not responding in kind right now, eventually love will break them down. :p

Hi chameleon -
YOU'RE RIGHT - My husband has said that the kids and the ex eventually dislike everyone he's been in a relationship with.
My husband has asked that we not fight in front of his son - what son witnesses is my asking to talk to H and we go in a different room - nothing loud. Most often, it's because I've been put in "time out" - H will be barely speaking to me for days(when son's not around) and avoiding resolving something. By Saturday after I've worked 10-5 and Husband & son have had fun together, I join them and I'm expected to playact like life is good - I fail and am often just sad at the unresolved whatever. I've asked that we be able to just talk about problems earlier, so I'm not set up for failure on Saturday when my own girls are gone and I'm feeling more vulerable. I guess I also resent that my girls deal with his ADD impatience, moods,et al, thruout the week, but his 17 yr old son should get the fairy tale? ...oops - that was harsh.

I agree with rising above the rest - believe it or not, I've not had issue with his ex before this and I enjoy his son and daughter very much - they're really good kids! When his daughter turned 21 but was away, I took my husband out to dinner to mark the occasion for him and I suggested he call his exwife to compliment her on the daughter that they raised. He chose not to - still holds resentments. I will take your advice to heart and work on letting go on my end!