Good morning.

I had my son in Nov 2005. When I found out I was pregnant all I could think was "Oh my goodness, I have the ability to abort it" I WOULD never personally make that choice, so the fact that I couldnt get it out of y head scared me. I assumed that once I had him those thoughts would go away.

When we came home from the hospital with him, I started this routine. I felt that if I didnt follow this routine, my son would die in his sleep. I sumed this up to being a new mom and having the normal fears of SIDS that any mom would have.

My son is now 6 months old, and I cannot function if I dont do certain things.. routines. I feel like my mind is out of alignment if I dont do them. I cant think unless I have done them at least once.

I never thought about OCD since I am not the most orderly person around. I dont wash my hands constantly or anything that I assumed to be OCD related.

I have also had terrible thought about my son since he was born. I have only confided in my brother out of the fear that someone will take my baby away from me. I am so in love with my child and I know i could nevre hurt him. This is why when these thoughts come into my head it makes me sick to my stomache.

I chalked all my feeling up to either just being a terrible person, or a terrible mom. Well, last night I happened to read this magizine I bought last month called Self. They had an article on PPOCD. I had never heard of such a thing! I kept reading and realized that it sounds a lot like me. Though I dont feel that I am as extream as the cases they profiled, I still felt a bit relieved to hear I'm not a bad momma.

I feel like I have no where I can talk about my feelings though. If I went to see a professional and told them some of my htoughts, Im pretty sure they are required by law to report me to DFS or child protection.

I love my son to death and he is most certainly a spoiled baby! I cant get enough of him, and the thought of someone taking him away rips my heart to a hundred pieces.

Thanks for listening.
Missbusymom

Having a new baby is VERY stressful, especially your firstborn. YOu worry about EVERYTHING, am I doing this right? Am I doing that right? Every mom has fears of sids, etc. Your Hormones are raging every which way. There is so much out there with postpartum stress, etc. First relax you love your son and you are being a good mom to him. But most importantly talk to your ob/gyn or family doctor- they will get you the help you need. Do it for yourself, do it for your son. He can sense your stress. My son has stress related ocd, when summer vacation comes in a couple of weeks, his routines ease up- school puts the stress on him (cant figure out that one, he is very bright) anyway its a trigger for the ocd.

You can ALWAYS come here and talk about your feelings and the best thing is that no one judges you!

missbusymom,
When I read your post I wanted to cry. I went through the same thing with my 1 1/2 old. My family was pressuring me to breast feed. I didn't want to, but did it anyway for 2 weeks. I was miserable. I couldn't sleep, because my baby would wake up every hour and a half and I would think why go to sleep if I just have to wake up in an hour anyway. I would cry and would want to go to the nearest fire station to drop off my infant. I would wish I never had him. I was like this until I finally went to the Dr. and got put on prozac. It helped tremendously. My mother said when she had me that she kept thinking someone was going to break into the house and steal me. She would sleep really close to me. I think you should go to the Dr. and tell them what you're feeling. I don't think you need to tell them your exact thoughts, but maybe about your depression and ocd symptoms. You're going to be OK!!! You'll get through this and then be able to give advice to other women when they go through this. Also, read the book by Brooke Shields about post partum depression. It's GOOD!
Ann

Wow thanks! I am already on antidepressants.. lol! But after realizing that this is somehting that Im not alone in.. I already feel a HUGE weight lifted off me!

I have had a doc in the past mention to me that I may have OCD, but I have PTSD so I think they summed it to that. Maybe thats what brought on my OCD tendencies?? Who knows. I dont even know if I have it.. but would like an answer.. either way.

Thank you so much Babyboy and Ann!!

My son has OCD at the start he felt like he had to keep saying sorry to God as he had done something bad. One of his early fears was that he thought he was a racist each time he saw a coloured person on the television. He is the sweetest child (well OK not all the time) but has not got a racist bone in his body yet he kept fearing that he laughed at black people. He hadnt laughed at them at all - it is totally alien to him to hate anyone because of the race/colour/creed.

Like you are a great Mum your worst fear would be harming your child. The doctor explained it to me is that it is because he fears he will be a bad person and the worst thing he could be is a racist, that is why he fears it the most. It is exactly because he is just the opposite that it troubles him so much. The same way the toughts of harming your child are so alien to you these emerge as the worst worries. It is basically because it is the last thing you would ever do and not because you are a danger to your child. I hope this makes sense but don't worry and enjoy your motherhood.

It gets to be a vicious circle, the more you worry, the more you feel anxious and stressed, the stronger the thoughts. Take some time out for you, try to find some "me time" not easy with a baby I know - and enjoy being a wonderful mum.

I was really obsessive after having one of my children and it subsided over time. Having a new baby, a 1st baby is real stressful. Make sure you have me time. And ask for help when you need it. I found the 1st year the hardest due to lack of sleep. Give yourself some time to adjust. Good luck.