View Full Version : OMG...all these posts are ME.
"Burned out." "Married to a child." "I can't carry the burden for everything anymore." "Repeated infidelity." "Makes me feel like just a boring nag." "Won't seek treatment." "Won't take any responsibility for paying bills or other boring maintenance tasks at home." "Says I'm just trying to change his personality." "This is sucking the life out of me."
I'm at the nine-year point in our marriage, been together for eleven. Have a two-year-old son. I am so burned out I can hardly even function. Now I'm dealing with my husband's second involvement with a woman at work. Different woman, same job. I cannot even begin to tell you the hell I've been through. I weaned myself off the meds for extended post-partum depression the same week I found out he was cheating on me again. And now he says I have the AUDACITY to want to talk about the affair instead of focusing on the time I was in school, three years ago, that I didn't spend enough time with him, that led him to the point of cheating.
He is STILL in contact with his girlfriend at work. Will NOT quit his job. Says he needs time to get over her. It's been six weeks. Six weeks of discussion and pleading and me trying and trying to find a reason to keep our family together.
I have been the one to initiate all talks about AD/HD. (He has the hyperactivity component, too, where he can't even have more than a few minutes worth of conversation about our marriage.) I have tried and tried to convince him that this is a very real problem with our relationship and that it will most likely be a problem in ANY relationship he has if he doesn't address it. He believes I am just trying to change his personality, even though I feel I have literally bent over backward trying to adjust myself to him. Because there is apparently no hope of getting him to acknolwedge my needs. I have to be the one to do all the adjusting. It's his way or the highway, even though I do my very best to understand his ADD and try to work with it. He doesn't want to take meds because he is afraid it will suppress all the fun sides of his personality and change him into someone else. I have been the one to read all the books on AD/HD. He wouldn't even read the one on "ADD-friendly ways to organize" because it was too boring.
The only way I can ever have a meaningful conversation with him is if we are on a long road trip in the car, because he has nothing better to do than talk to me. He admits this himself.
He says that he never knew how neglected he was until he had this affair. He says that being in love with this other woman has had NO affect on his perception of our pre-existing marital problems. That he can step away from her and be completely un-biased and that my neglect of him during the time I was trying to finish school killed our marriage long ago.
But he won't actually make the decision to leave.
He won't admit that the marriage was not dead back then, but merely not maintained. I was pregnant four months after graduation and have not had one minute since then that I wasn't sick or in the throes of post-partum depression (severe) or dealing with extended periods of sleep deprivation because our son was a terrible sleeper. Not to mention my dad had life-threatening surgery during this time. Not to mention a million other things.
But he thinks I have not done enough to accomodate him. That I neglected his needs and that I shouldn't be shocked that he cheated on me. He says he needs someone who can "keep up with him" even though he is so hyperactive that he seems to be driven by some crazy engine that is idled too high. He says he needs someone who "gets" him, even though he knows he is different from everyone else he has ever known.
It's like, no matter how much I scream and cry and beg and plead and preach to him about what I have tried to do, he simply does not see that I HAVE NEEDS AND LIMITS, TOO.
He wants a saint? A doormat? An idiot?
I know that his AD/HD has been (before the cheating) the single biggest source of my burnout, and I have done nothing but try to understand and work with it and seek help. But I feel like, since I carry ALL the responsibility, for our marriage, our finances, our household, our parenting, everything...that I'm not even allowed to slip in the slightest, no matter what I am having to deal with. I feel like I cannot count on him for anything at all. At least previously, I felt like I could count on him to stay the course through some hardship. But now, after two instances of extramarital involvement, I can't even count on him for that. I see that infidelity can be linked with the impulse control component of ADD. And I would probably have been more than willing to address that in the context of ADD.
But he is still will not totally let go of this woman. And every conversation we have about this turns quickly into a way for him to harp on the way I didn't spend enough time with him while I was finishing school over three years ago.
Yes, AD/HD has been the biggest contributor to my burnout. But I refuse to believe that all people with AD/HD are this selfish.
Thank you for listening. If nothing else, reading all these posts about the other stuff validates me a little in knowing I'm not really "not doing enough" to accomodate him.
05-23-06, 06:02 AM
I understand, my husband is just like this and he's NOT ADD but Bipolar. I'm the one with ADD and I'm possitive he has his complains about me. :eyebrow:
We've been married 18 years and together for over 20. Life isn't easy and I'm not sure how long we'll go on together.
My best addvice to you............
Take care of yourself
Stop the expectations of a normal life
05-23-06, 08:31 AM
How does he get caught? Do you send him any queues that make him feel that it is OK to do this? I bet that you do in subtle ways without really realizing it. Make it clear that this is NOT OK in no uncertain terms. Right now, this is a very disfulction relationship and you need a dramatic and descive fix. You both desearve to be happy and right now, clearly neither of you are.
I am going to disagree with fasttalking mom on one point. I think that you are entitled to expect a "normal" life, and its up to you to empose it! Dont be a victum, be a leader and take charge of this situation!
I would force him to go into counseling where he would be forced to deal with these issues AND he would get the meds he needs to at least be more normal to deal with rationally. Call him out and tell him it off to a profressional (and meds) or the highway. I bet he will tighten up then. He is the type that wants his cake and to eat it too. Take these lemmons, use them as a catalist to make lemmon aid. The end result could be an amazing transformation for you both. Finish it off with a criuse. What have you got to lose at this point? You have everything to gain.
05-23-06, 10:21 AM
man. my spelling and typing sucks. Is the inabilty to proof your own work and ADD thing too? :)
05-23-06, 03:42 PM
Normal is such a loaded word. There is no normal, just normal for you and for him. His normal is a roller coaster: up, down, left , right with a few loop-the-loops thrown in for good measure. His normal is "fine" with him, it is all he knows. Meds will change what his normal is and that is scary.
Your normal is still a bit of a roller coaster, but it sounds like a lot of the influences of your ride have been external. It sounds like you want to have a little bit smoother of a ride. To me the two of you could be the perfect combo, one to exite, one to stay grounded. My wife does this with me and vice versa.
Your question about being selfish. Yes, people with ADD can appear selfish, and I believe a lot of us ADDers are selfish. But... most of it is not to be mean to other people, it is learnt as a coping mechanism to be able to get through life. I personally have been accused of being selfish, of being all about me!!. And it is true, I was, still am, even though I am on meds. I don't have to be so concentrated on myself just to survive. I have to learn and realize that I don't need that coping mechanism anymore.
In your case, your husband, doesn't want to change, he doesn't want to learn about ADD, he doesn't want to take meds, he doesn't want, he doesn't want, he doesnt' want..... It is all about him, about what HE doesn't want. Unfortunately, there really is know way to force him to do somethign that he doesn't want to do. I am sure the spouses of other ADDers will attest to this. He needs to make up his mind to do something. You can make him make a decision by dropping the ultimatum, participate in this marriage that WE are in, or get out. It really has to be that cut and dried. If there are too many options, or ways to get around it, then he will find them. The marriage has to be his hyperfocus for a while to be able for you to want to stay.
You said that he keeps bringing up the 3 years you were in school and how you neglected him. Did he also neglect you during this period? How much dffferent was it pre-school and during school? Was it really that different? Did he know it would be different? Was he warned? Did you even know what it was goign to be like? My guess is no, you didn't know. A marriage is supposed to be (not these days though) until death do us part.
In the end you can only control your own actions and your responses to others actions. From what you have written, you have tried to better yourself and when you could, help him. Right now you have to help yourself (the ultimatum) so that you can help both of you.
Good luck and sorry for the long post.
p.s. Why is this little box called quick reply when the replies I write are never quick??
Thank you ALL. Wish I had more time to write right now, but I don't. Still welcoming any responses and will be back when I can...
05-26-06, 09:26 PM
That's not adhd, that's narcissim. Something that, from as much as I have been able to research, is not treatable. I just ended a marriage of the same type. At one point he told me that he would give up the girlfriend if I could show him that I could act right from now on. When I had him served divorced papers the man was actually shocked. Then he started screaming that he couldn't believe I was doing this to us and threw himself down on the floor kicking and screaming. He went on to demand marriage counseling from the court, at which he explained all my faults and how I was just being vindictive by filing. The marriage counselor found the marriage to be unrepairable. Then he demanded a custody evaluation but didn't bother with his visitation schedule because he was always out of town visiting his girlfriend. He really did believe that it would come out in his favor anyway. He made my depression an issue, my adhd, and anything else he could come up with to try and make me sound nuts. His adhd is undiagnosed because it doesn't bother him.
That kind of marriage destroys your self-esteem, your mental health, your physical health from the stress - not to mention what he may have exposed you to sexually, and it teaches your children how a woman is to be treated and what makes a man.
When I wouldn't be nice whenever he came back from one of his weekends, he moved his income to a seperate account. When I got tired of putting the co-pays on my credit card, I went off the anti-depressants. That is when I discovered that they had been keeping me apathetic and passive.
I have normal now. I make normal for my kids. Being adhd does not mean that we can't have a normal life. It just means that our house might be messier and our bills might be late. We still deserve to be loved and respected and have the same right to expect it.
p.s. i snicker all the time knowing what i stuck that other woman with.:D
05-28-06, 09:44 AM
This seems unreal to me; maybe I'm naive. We're talking about marriage, right, where we usually promise to forsake all others and honor our partners? Am I sounding too amazingly old-fashioned? He's using you. One option is to stay in it, accept his infidelity, and cling to the idea that any marriage is better than no marriage -- but accept what you're doing. Another is to get his attention (small fire in the trashcan? invite his girlfriend over?) and say if you want to be in this marriage, let's review the rules. I guess I don't understand how you can forgive and love him and want to stay with him after this. Best of luck to you.
But he won't actually make the decision to leave.Hmm, why are you waiting for him to leave? You are being walked on, trod upon, abused in about every possible way (even if he's not actually hitting you): mentally, emotionally, verbally. He knows he can treat you this way and you won't leave, that is why he keeps doing it. Like the old saying goes, "hurt me once, shame on you. hurt me twice, shame on me." He won't change, you know that. YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM! Keep repeating that to yourself. The ONLY way for you to change your life is to leave. But it's up to you, you are the only one who can make that choice. But it's not just you to consider. Raising a child in this chaos could damage your child. Just something to think about.
05-29-06, 06:05 PM
If you own your home don't move out. Quietly check around about good attorneys. You need to start keeping a journal about his coming and goings. It depends on the state and how much it matters but with a child involved it can't hurt to have it for standby. You want to start seperating your finances out. Make copies of papers like tax returns and credit card bills. Start keeping track of how much money he spends on his girlfriend. Take pictures of your belongings.
We have a tendency to do things impulsively. You might reach a point where you just finally get fid up and that is when you have to be careful that you don't do yourself more harm by acting impulsively. Divorces are exactly like the marriage. If he is telling you that everything is your fault including the girlfriend then you can count on him trying to make you look the same in court .
I needed to hear all of these things.
He is like the guy who beats his wife, and doesn't want to do it, doesn't know why he's doing it, loves his wife, but keeps doing it anyway. He was a broken man tonight, after a talk, for the first time in seven weeks.
My appointment to start divorce proceedings is in two days.
I have been keeping a journal since the day I confronted him.
05-30-06, 01:09 AM
Good luck and hang in there. My ex sat up on the stand and cried like a baby. He'll still tell people how much he loves me and how I just don't understand unconditional love.
you have to look out for you because he has shown that you that he isn't going to do it.
My ex sat up on the stand and cried like a baby. He'll still tell people how much he loves me and how I just don't understand unconditional love.Oh my god. I'm really sorry you've had to deal with that. It's been hard for me to accept the fact that his parents are probably never going to know what the real deal is and are probably just going to criminalize me for "taking their grandson away."
Thanks for the well wishes and support.
Hmm, why are you waiting for him to leave?Oh, yeah, I forgot to address this.
I cannot legally leave the state with our son without husband's permission, which he obviously would not give, unless I wanted to endanger my ability to get custody of our son during divorce proceedings. There is no period of legal separation here; it's divorce or nothing. I have no family or friends here; we just moved here a few months ago. We don't have enough money for me to stay in a hotel or get my own apartment. Husband does have friends/coworkers he could stay with here. Plus, he should have been the one to start a divorce if he didn't intend to leave her, but I didn't know he was still seeing her this whole time. I wanted to wait and assess his mental/emotional state after he got through the period of being angry and guilty, which is a natural thing to go through when caught in something so bad. (Just not natural for it to go on this long...makes sense when I find out he's still seeing her.)
I'm not sure if you meant for your post to sound condescending, but it's never helpful to a hurting person (1) to assume the worst of a person ("she must have no good reason for not doing the leaving herself") or (2) to ask "why on earth are you what you're doing?" Obviously, every person has a reason for doing something, and when you ask this type of question, it just looks like you're questioning a person's sanity or intelligence rather than trying to be helpful. Sometimes it's hard to know how you come across in a printed medium like an online forum, so I just thought I'd throw that out there.
I guess I don't understand how you can forgive and love him and want to stay with him after this.You can't. Because you don't know him or me. You just have my angry vent to go by.
I don't want to stay with him. I'm filing for divorce. But I do still love him. When you truly love someone, it takes a while for those feelings to go away even after you've been done wrong.
But no, I didn't boot him out to the curb as soon as it happened, and I don't feel the need to go into great details about why. But I will just say this...I think it would have been extremely irresponsible of me to toss aside my son's right to a happy, healthy, two-parent home if there were any chance it could be had. I would feel especially irresponsible if I had just left in a whirl of anger without even looking to see what's there and assess the damage objectively. Marriages *can* be healed after infidelity if there's enough other good there to go on.
Just not in my case.
05-31-06, 12:57 PM
I think she said that because we can see things you can't because you are in the middle of it. We have no feelings for the guy to gum up our vision. The difference between you and I is that no one knew what I was putting up. In fact I had to convince people that it was the right thing to do because I had covered for his behavior for so long. He had insisted that I needed therapy and so I went but what he didn't comprehend is that each one thought I needed to get away from him. I wasn't going to do that until I was ready. Then I found out that for a woman to collect on her husbands SS when she has been a stay at home mom they have to be married for ten years. I was at year 8 1/2 when I had reached my limit.
If you think about it, we tolerate things from our men that we would never put up with from a girlfriend. We often look to ourselves to blame. If only we had met his needs better. He had such a horrible childhood that he needs so much more love. I was gone so much because of my work or school. I was so tired from having three babies in three years. yadayadayada
You have a mature viewpoint of love and you are probably capable of unselfish love regardless of his whine about when you were in school. you wouldn't be trying to find away to make it work for your child if you weren't capable of that. Mine blamed my depression for his need to look else where. Basically that means that they want someone to worship them constantly and if you aren't up to the job then there is always some pathetic woman that will fill in.
A counselor pointed something out to me when I was believing the line of garbage I was being given about the depression. What if I had been in an accident and in a coma? or got cancer and was deathly ill and couldnt meet his needs? Does that give him the excuse to go find someone? There are men out there capable of the kind of love to see a woman through that. They don't have to be loved into being that type of person. They already are that type.
We just have to figure out why we pick the ones that aren't capable.
There is a book called He's Just Not that Into You by Greg Behrendt. Every woman should read it before they waste a bunch of time dating a guy and certainly before they marry one. It opened my eyes to how much my neediness made excuses for them.
05-31-06, 12:58 PM
Marriages *can* be healed after infidelity if there's enough other good there to go on.
I too believe this, I didnt used to though. I know it is possible to do wrong due to a complelling need to fill a void or mask pain, but not stop loving your partner at all. Then, see the ligth (get meds, etc) turn around a reject all that nonsence and have a great and deep love after all the BS.
It can happen...or not, I for one wil not judge you either way.
05-31-06, 01:15 PM
I beleive it can happen too. It happens with people that are immediately remorseful and will do anything to save the relationship. It doesn't usually happen with people, male or female, that are looking for someone else to blame. It means they have given it great thought and have already justified it in their head.
So much wisdom here. Thank you so much.
Well I haven't been in this forum for awhile but I can truly feel for you. I was in a "situation" myself with my husband of nearly 20 years and realized after my son was diagnosed ADD that this all applied to him. I joined this forum to learn and thats when I realized my life with him was now so clear!!!! But just at that point he was into an online meeting club from work and I found out he was meeting with a 24 yr old. OMG I thought what the **** that was it!!! In my eyes everything that was now clear to me and made me feel closer to him to help him etc was trashed!! I told hi to get out and there is no way I would ever trust him again. He said he wasn't leaving, I said OH yes you are!!!! I won't live with a lying cheating man and told him he was a disgrace to his children!!!! We managed somehow or should I say, I managed somehow to listen to him (which was very hard to believe him after all the lies he told thoughout our relationship)and move on from this.
He now is trying meds which was a major step.
I guess its very easy to say what you would do if....but you really have to be in the situation to really know. My friend told me she couldn't be as "big of a person" if it was her husband, but she didn't live my life either.
Do the right thing for yourself and your child. Staying with someone that doesn't want to admit to any wrong doing isn't going to change. If serving divorce papers doesn't do it then nothing will.
Theres a saying that keeps going through my head, "Once a cheat, always a cheat" and I have to live with this each day. My husband didn't actually go that far though
Good luck and be strong