Hello everyone,

I'm in a relationship with a young lady that has ADD. She told me she was diagnosed by a Dr. I've read many of the posts here and many of the behavioral traits mentioned I am experiencing in our relationship. We're both 33.

It's very difficult for me, for us. My problem is: I am really in love with her and I really care for her, yet it's difficult, we're both frustrated. We've been seeing each other for almost a year. Lately we've been arguing alot, and it's always little things. I'm very loving and supportive of her, I know she loves me. I've never met anyone like her. But we're at the point where we are causing each other more stress and pain than we can handle. I know that things are difficult for her.

I don't want to be the kind of guy that runs away at the first sign of trouble. I believe that relationships take work. I am doing everything I can to make it work. She has limitations to how much energy she can put into the relationship. I am trying to understand that. But it doesn't change how I feel.

Today we had another misunderstanding/ stress flare-up. We're on the verge of breaking up. Neither of us really want that, but maybe we can't stop it. This is the most difficult relationship I've been in, and yet because she's such a special person, and the strong feelings I have for her, that she has expressed for me as well, it has the potential to be a great relationship, maybe. When I realized that ADD was affecting our relationship, I went online and researched it, trying to learn more, so that I could help... and found this site.

I don't want to give up, and lose her and what we have. We're both mature, and care about each other, and we've talked about taking time off, giving each other space, etc.

I'm sorry that this is such a long rambling whatever. I'm really hurting right now, and it seems like some of you here might understand.

I know that it's not going to change, I keep hoping that I can adapt and learn to cope, and sometimes I just doubt it will work and think I should cut my loses and get out while I can. I don't want to be a quitter, am I a masochist? I also want to spare hurting her and causing her anymore difficulty then she already has in her life.

I would appreciate any comments, advice, whatever you got.

Thanks,

Aurelius

To be honest, these problems sound like they are just normal, run-of-the mill relationship problems that set in once the initial "spark" starts to wear off, i.e. nagging, quarrelling over little things etc.

It's all too easy to take all of life's little problems and "blame" them on ADD or whatever other diagnosis someone has but more often than not, the truth is far simpler than that...

If you want to make this work then go see a relationship counsellor, but it's ultimately up to you whether you want to keep putting up with the situation. Some relationships just don't work out and we have to get out and cut our losses, others are worth working on and fighting for.

This doesn't depend solely on you and what you want, it depends on the willingness of BOTH of you to work on the relationship and continue being there for each other - whatever you decide, DON'T fall into the trap of starting to excuse any abusive or nasty behaviour on her behalf with "Oh but she has ADD".

If she's been diagnosed and is being treated for it then it's up to her to work on such behaviour, not to use the diagnosis as an excuse for her behaviour.

Hello Aurelius... welcome to the forums...

They say the course of true love never does run smoothly.

I dunno if I can offer you advice, but I commend you on being true to your love and wanting to solve your relationship issues...

My only question would be... is she doing anything to work on her ADD? Is she taking meds, seeing a professional, trying coping strategies, etc.?

If not, your relationship will not improve. :(

I appreciate the feedback both of you offered.

Scatterbrain: I appreciate your honesty. I never intended to "blame" our problems on ADD, and you're right, our problems probably have little to do with that. I do feel that her approach to managing her ADD requires a great deal of her time and energy, which leaves perhaps not enough left over for a relationship right now. At least not a relationship that is satisfying for either of us. There are other factors that are problems as well. I just kinda wish it was different, and things were easier for her. Truly, from my heart, I love her, wish I could do something to help, and know that I can't.

I don't feel that she's ever been abusive, and she has never used ADD as a crutch. I'm not blaming her. I hope that I'm getting that across. I respect and admire her strength, determination and all of her accomplishments despite the difficulties she encounters.

She has tried various drugs prescribed by her Dr. and didn't like the side effects. They don't really seem to work for her. It seems like a trade-off, there is always some side effect that is really unpleasant and unacceptable. The process of trying different drugs and the effects of coming off of them... are no fun, and I wish that she didn't have to go through that. She is in doubt that there is any treatment that will help, and she's tired of trying things that don't.

My problem is excepting the fact that things probably won't work out between us. I guess we're just not compatible. She just doesn't seem to be able to continue our relationship. I can't blame her. It's not easy for me to accept that, or let go of her. And yet, I know that I must let go to spare her any more pain, as well as my own.

Waywardclam: I appreciate your acknowledgement of my commitment to love, and our relationship. I don't know how to be any other way. I don't want to let go, based on difficulties that we can't control. It seems like taking the easy way out. I love her, and wanted to be there for her and support her. I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic fool.

I finally meet the woman of my dreams, and then it doesn't work out. I'm sorry that I'm venting this way. I'm trying to be discrete and respectful of her, so I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. I never mentioned her ADD to friends, and I figured that since I loved her I would stick with her, be strong and endure. I hope you don't feel that my posting here is inappropriate. It hasn't been easy for me.

I'm having trouble letting go. We're going to try and maintain a friendship, I don't want to lose that too. I'm going to put my effort into trying to maintain that friendship, I know that we need some space. I probably need therapy, I can't afford it. I pretty much try to figure things out and work it out on my own. It's a painful process that gets slightly easier very slowly. Maybe there's a forum for people like me. They should call it "Nice guys finish last."

Again I hope that my post here is not inappropriate, or offensive to anyone. I know that it's hard for her, and others that have ADD, and those that love them. I'm a sensitive, emotional guy, and I'm trying to not let this tear me apart. I know that I have to dig down deep and find the strength to make it through this.

Thanks for listening.

This is not an inappropriate post, and I'm a moderator, so you can take that as a (relatively) authoritative judgement... this sort of discussion is welcome around here.

Can I recommend, if you haven't already, browsing through the other threads on relationships here? They might give you more insight into her brain...

Sounds like you are very perceptive as to what is going on already though, and very honest with yourself, which is a good thing.

Nice guys don't have to finish last, BTW.

I like to think I'm a nice guy. There have been times in my life when I finished last... and there have been times when I said I am sick of finishing last and I am going to win today. I think it is possible to do both at the same time.

You have my hopes and best wishes.

Wayward,

Thanks. It's slightly comforting to know that I'm not alone. Even though it still feels like it.

I just woke up at 6 am, I can't go back to sleep and I can't stop thinking about her and us. I keep trying to get out of my head.

Writing seems to help me sort through the thoughts and feelings I am having. I am keeping a journal. But sharing my story here and getting some feedback is helpful.

I feel like a lovestruck teenager. When I fall in love I fall hard. Even though I talk about taking it slow, I get really attached. It doesn't happen often, because I rarely meet young women with the qualities that she has, that is why I accept her as she is, and try to work around whatever else is there. That is also why I'm having such a hard time letting go, I just don't want to give up on trying to make it work.

I told her that she was my dream girl. She had all of the qualities that I dreamed I could find all rolled into one young woman.

I'm torn between trying to get over her and move on, and trying wait, work on me and then try and get back together with her. I so don't want to lose her. It's hard to not let my emotions take over right now.

I thank you again, I appreciate you taking your time to respond to me.

I'm going to read more of the threads on relationships. Ever since learning that the woman I love had ADD, I wanted to learn more about it, how I could possibly help her, just by being aware, I guess I should have looked into it more then.

Maybe it's not too late to save our relationship. maybe it is. I keep going round and round in my head. Maybe I'll get tired and be able to sleep.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

I think taking a "break" is a bad idea.

when ever someone uses this example it makes sense to me.

Take your fist out of a bucket of water... where is the hole left by your missing hand?

Even if you are a science nut, you realize it isn't where the fist was.

Taking a break just means that you are forcing something else to fill in. The only guarantee is that it won't be you.

IMHO

Aurelius, your story sounds very familiar to mine right now.

My relationship is also in trouble, we're arguing more and more, and I'm wondering if I can keep going, or if I even want to. I love him very much, but it does indeed take more than just that.

I'm at a stage where I've decided to give it one last honest, earnest effort to 'fix things,' and if that effort doesn't work, well then...

What I've been trying to do is to really understand just what the *real* problems are - what is it that I'm unhappy about? What it is that he's unhappy about? And we're trying to figure out, together, what changes we feel are necessary for us to continue with the relationship.

I ask myself questions like: Do I want to spend the rest of my life with things the way they are now? (for me, the answer is a definite no) So, then: What would have to change for the answer to be yes? and: Am I willing to do what I would need to to help bring about that change, and will he do what he would need to do to bring about that change?

If we manage it, then I think we'll make it through. If one or both of us is not able to make whatever changes are necessary, then we won't.

If you really love her, then I think it's worth putting directed effort into at least *trying* to fix whatever the *real* problems are.

I wish you the best of luck :-)

--
mouse

Hi, It sounds like you have a sincere desire to keep the relationship moving forward. I might be missing something but have you tried therapy? I've found that almost every relationship problem stems from the same core - communication problems. True, experimenting with meds can be trying, but it's temporary. It's important to know that it takes about a month before your body adjusts to a new medication. I'm on my third, which is fine now, but the first month I felt very odd. I even told a close friend so she could "watch" me. She won't be like this forever. Have you told her how you're feeling? It's great to tell us, but it's 1000 times better to tell her.

As a women with ADD I can tell you what I would want. Ready? I would want you to sit down with me at a neutral time (not during a fight) and say "I've been researching ADD a lot because I want to understand what you go through. I know that I can't always help, but understanding puts it in perspective for me. I'm willing to work on developing systems that work for us (maybe getting an on-line calendar that you can both check, etc.). I really love you and I think that we can make it through this together." Don't be too action-oriented, be more understanding and accepting, then (men sometimes hurt us by trying to fix before they understand, understanding goes a long way) The thing that struck me in your post was "She has limitations to how much energy she can put into the relationship". That's not your fault and it's not hers either. Maybe she feels guilty and ashamed for putting you through this. I've found that once you can get past the shame barrier and just deal with it like you'd plan for a vacation or buy a house, it's not so difficult. Remind her that you're not perfect either and that you can be imperfect toether. Judging from everything you've said I think you can pull it together if you take the right steps. Best of luck!!!!

I skimmed through these posts, but have you both considered going to counseling together. You don't have to be married to get counseling to help learn about each other.

Originally posted by Aurelius

I just woke up at 6 am, I can't go back to sleep and I can't stop thinking about her and us. I keep trying to get out of my head.

Writing seems to help me sort through the thoughts and feelings I am having. I am keeping a journal. But sharing my story here and getting some feedback is helpful.

I feel like a lovestruck teenager. When I fall in love I fall hard. Even though I talk about taking it slow, I get really attached. It doesn't happen often, because I rarely meet young women with the qualities that she has, that is why I accept her as she is, and try to work around whatever else is there. That is also why I'm having such a hard time letting go, I just don't want to give up on trying to make it work.

I told her that she was my dream girl. She had all of the qualities that I dreamed I could find all rolled into one young woman.

I'm torn between trying to get over her and move on, and trying wait, work on me and then try and get back together with her. I so don't want to lose her. It's hard to not let my emotions take over right now.

I thank you again, I appreciate you taking your time to respond to me.

I'm going to read more of the threads on relationships. Ever since learning that the woman I love had ADD, I wanted to learn more about it, how I could possibly help her, just by being aware, I guess I should have looked into it more then.

Maybe it's not too late to save our relationship. maybe it is. I keep going round and round in my head. Maybe I'll get tired and be able to sleep.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

don't blame yourself for not looking into it sooner -- it's not your fault -- who, in the white heat of love, thinks of these things?

i have struggled with my husband for 21 years and lately (the past two years) it's gotten much worse, the bickering and spatting and ugliness ... i had some seizures (two years ago) that meant i couldn't drive (i can now), so he had to run all the errands for us and that added stress, and then the worst happened: he was laid off in the hi-tech meltdown -- he's always been able to get contracts b/c he's SO clever, but we live in silicon valley north, so there are HUNDREDS of ppl looking for jobs, contracts, anything -- and that just shattered him... he hasn't had a contract since, never mind a job ...

stress is the trigger for my husband, and it's been nothing but stress for the past two years (there always was a certain amount of stress, b/c i didn't understand him all the time, but that was nothing compared to now) ...

i didn't spot that he was ADD until a couple of years ago and he's on a wellbutrin/effexor/dexedrine mix now, but that still doesn't make it much easier ... he's having counselling, i'm having it, and we're in couples therapy to try to get over this but in his case, he's abusive -- i mean rude and snide sometimes, and pedantic and he just LOVES a good old semantic argument -- and he's always been like that but now it's much worse... and now i'm so sensitive to almost anything he says ...

i loved the guy anyway, but i'm on disability now and so always home -- and so is he!! so we get on each others' nerves and under each others' skin:( and on and on it goes, with my being hypothyroid as well -- should we admit defeat? i dunno -- some ppl may think i'm just dumping him when times got tough, except he's always been like this (once he sulked ffor three months) and i tip-toe around him and STILL: something comes out of my mouth in a way that i so TOTALLY didn't mean it that i don't even understand how he got there :confused: ... and we're off ...

i didn't notice it when we were first married, but then the sulking began and he won't talk to me and i'm thinking, "is it me? something i said?" .... this happened a few times a month at the beginning -- now always ...

i don't know what to tell you about your girlfriend -- that's a very difficult decision that only you can make -- i'm just telling you what it's like to be married to a person with ADD, and it's harder than you can ever imagine -- i've ended up feeling like a husk of myself, and that's no way to be ...

you said in a previous post that she wasn't abusive -- then what do you argue about? it's always some trivial misunderstanding, is it? imagine how you'll feel ten years from now if she's no better ...

jb

Hi, first day here and reading like a maniac...
I am dating an ADDer, and what I've experienced in my relationship is a lot of endless fights over one tiny comments that would have been innocuous in most relationships ... ug! Is this a common part of ADD? He just can't let things slide--he pounces on everything... exhausting...

Hi, first day here and reading like a maniac...
I am dating an ADDer, and what I've experienced in my relationship is a lot of endless fights over one tiny comments that would have been innocuous in most relationships ... ug! Is this a common part of ADD? He just can't let things slide--he pounces on everything... exhausting...

yes, if that's what he's like now, he will remain so or worsen ...

he needs treatment, and counselling ... we're in couples counselling ourselves, and in my husband's case, it got MUCH worse when my he was laid off last july and has been unemployed since (thru' no fault of his own -- the hi-tech meltdown) ... but if i had the money, there's little doubt in my mind that i'd have left, in spite of his hilarious sense of humour, his intellect, and -- the fact that he so clearly loves me! but we've had screaming arguments over just the sort of thing you say: "one tiny comment that would have been innocuous in most relationships", and sooner or later (in my case, later -- been married 21 years) the scar tissue will grow and you just won't care ... even tho' he can charm the birds off the trees and the room lights up when he laughs ...

i strongly advise you to have a serious talk with him about it (if you haven't already), and come to a conclusion based on that ...

sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but that's been my experience ...

jb

I skimmed through these posts, but have you both considered going to counseling together. You don't have to be married to get counseling to help learn about each other.

mary's right -- you could suggest couples therapy and see how she feels about it ... as mary says, you don't have to be married to be in couples therapy ...

jb