I'm recovering from PTSD and recently I went off the antispychotics (called Solian) which I'd been on and which had brought me back to life. The first couple of weeks were really hard but I tried hard to fight it and I did OK until the last couple of weeks. I had really tried to do it on my own but I just couldn't. Instead of wanting to catch the train to work I was wanting to jump in front of it. So anyway I've gone back on them but only half as much now but I can't help feeling that I have failed and that I wasn't strong enough. I'm worried that I might not be able to cope off them and that I'm relying on them so that I don't crash.

Ouch, tudorose...

Few people feel good about the idea that they require the medication to survive. My parents for example keep going off thiers (Mom's on Paxil, Dad's on Zoloft) and every time they do their lives go for a crap again...

But the fact that you need them now does not mean you are defective, nor does it mean that you will need them forever...

If you broke your ankle, you would need a cast, and crutches, right? And if you pulled off the cast and threw away the crutches, you wouldn't be able to walk, right?

So why should you feel ashamed about spending some time on meds?

I guess it coz I really thought I was getting better and then when I went off it, I felt as bad as I had before. I don't know if I have actually made any progress or if it was all just an illusion. I just never want to be 'back there' again but I want to feel like I have some kind on contribution to that and not just that it's medication doing all the work. I'm still in the worker's comp program so all the meds are paid for but I'm scared of what will happen when the claim ends and I have to go off the meds and still be expected to function at this level.

Don't barrow trouble. It is a waste of the present and the future.

:D While said very succinctly and bluntly, I agree with Wheel. Management of problems like this must be done on a day by day basis. TODAY you are okay, TODAY your mind is clear, TODAY your meds are paid for... try to focus on that when you feel worried and depressed.

That is not to say that you should ignore your future blindly... just not get so upset about it that you can't function to solve your upcoming problems...

Now you HAVE learned something by your experiment of going off of them.. and all knowledge is valuable.

Sounds like you should definitely try and come up with some kind of plan for the time when your comp runs out... do your best to arrange another source of income, another source of coverage, or start trying new coping strategies that might work next time you go off your meds...

Which medication are you on? Some of them are cheaper than others, you might be able to reduce the expense.

If you find yourself in a situation where you have to get another job to pay for the meds, I would definitely try to do that BEFORE your comp runs out, that way you won't have to deal with being at a new job without your meds.

Have you tried reducing the dosage instead of eliminating it entirely? That's another thing you might try if you have time. Bonus: If it works, you can keep buying the full dosage until your compensation runs out, then you'll have a bunch of it saved up in your cupboard...

And you know of course that you will always have our support here... that's one thing that won't go away with your compensation...

The only thing I have ever seen work to eliminate fears is to face them, and "submit" to them, not crumble and cave-in.

You were off, things went badly. figure out what REALLY happened. You were in a bank robbery, right? It was scarey? In the extreme.

Only under the advice of your doctor, but go do something about it. I had a teacher who was afraid of spiders. He became the leading expert on spiders in the entire region where he lived. He identified new species.

If you can't get away from your fears, name them, look at them. take a look outside and see if you see them. If you don't, take that step. No one but the car industry wants you to do anything that you KNOW is dangerous.

Just don't let fear do more to you than the real thing. If fear follows you, turn and around and sit down with it. Calm and face it, and you will calm yourself.

You can't ignore your fear and have it go away, unless you haven't tried that yet, at which point, give it a go. : )

It doesn't matter... fear isn't "real." Feeling afraid is real, but fear is a projection on the future, usually with less basis than reality. the chances of getting held up again? Not very high I trust. the chances of getting held up everyday, even lower, unless you do it in your own head.

I think you really need to be more kind to yourself. It sounds like you are critical of yourself for being afraid of a scarey thing. You have to get and be on your side. The first person who has to give you support is yourself. just start by not playing anyone elses tapes in your head.

Certainly not MINE! :)

Don't chain your fears together. the pills help? take them. they stop. Then quit them (according to the instructions for doing so!)

I was in a single car wreck. I was driving on hghway I-70 near a state boarder, and the wehter was variable: dry, blowing snow, ice, dry, blowing snow, ice. At one point I'm driving straight down the road, the next, the front end of my car starts floating left. I went sideways to the traffic flow and flipped 2.5 times. i came to rest on the roof of the car. The doors were snug in the ground so I had to take of my seat belt and go out a broken window without my glasses... they had come off.

It was weeks later when i was sitting at a stop light and my stomach just about went through the roof! Why? The car had been blown in a gust of wind, but not the whole car, just the front end. I then figured that "wind shear" had blown me off the road in the accident. It took years of feeling the wind that same way to exstinguish the reaction in my stomach, but it only took a few times for e to realize I didn't need to go into full "panick" because I wasn't flipping. It was just a gust.

I have to assume the same thing could be true for you. give credance to your reactions, just not so much control. Don't "go with them." But dont beat yourself up for having them either.

Being accepting of yourself and your "built-in" reactions trying to protect you is a good thing. just be your own kind parent, assuring, assessing, and considering, but not required to panick. Eventually trust will come back to all parts of you, but when you are kind to yourself, that will mark when you are no longer controled by your fears, even if you still "have" them.

Does that make sense?

Besides, have I failed? requires an end grade.

There is no end.

This is a continuing story. You can't "fail" in a continuing story.

But you can only quit before you finish.

Don't be afraid to fail. Don't waste energy trying to cover up failure. Learn from your failures and go on to the next challenge. It's OK to fail. If you're not failing, you're not growing. H. Stanley Judd

The only time you don't fail is the last time you try anything - and it works. William Strong

Etc.

Since I've been back on the Solian I've only taken half the dose that I was on before (25mg instead of 50mg). I don't know if it was the fear getting to me or if this whole experience has just stuffed me up.

I told my rehabilitation provider about how I was feeling so she's going to do some 'training' with me to teach me some management techniques so that I stand a better chance next time I try to go off them.

You are both right about living in the present. I know I think too much and over analyze things. I can't help it and it drives everyone in my life crazy but I feel the intense need to understand everything (especially when it's happening to me).

I know that what i need to do is not think and just be. Thanks for your advice. It does help to get some feedback from people who understand.

You went through a traumatic even which altered your brain chemistry. You are not a failure becauses you are taking medication.

I've always been very concerned about 'needing' medications because I have an addictive personality. I've never felt like I needed my dex - I take it coz it improves my life and if I don't take it nothing bad will happen to me. But this stuff is different. I feel like I need to take it so that I can stay stable enough not to do something stupid like kill myself. Is this the same as addiction? It's the first time I've experienced this and I don't like it. It's not the same when it's a psychiatric medication (especially one they use for schitzophrenia). When I'm on it, I'm good but is it really me? If you need to take antipsychotics to function does that mean you're crazy? I'm just hoping that my brain chemistry hasn't been permanantly altered coz I've seen it happen to other people and I don't want that for my life.

What is in your control and what is not?

It is not your job to control whether you need a particular drug or not.

It is your job to do what is required by what life brings you, not to control whether life brought you what it did.

Yes its still you even if you are on drugs. you have to chose what is best for you, to the best of your abilities, not to the best of your conformities with what ou wish was instead of what is.

What is, is. Regardless, you part remains the same... to deal with THAT, what ever it is, in a responsible and healthy way.

Avoid putting yourself between a rock and a hard place. Certainly be a welcoming and supportive softplace for yourself.

You can do fine. Your experience will help you or someone you will know. Trust that.

We don't see how things WILL work out. I'm going through A very hard time right now. It is hard to know what to do. sometimes the manner of care is more important than the thing done.

Don't lose yourself over the fear of losing yourself. : ) That would be a real irony.

We don't get to control what we want for our life. We get to control what we do with our life, as given. Ultimately we are human beings not human doings.

Peace.

I understand it now. I need to take this stuff so I can learn the things I need to cope. When I've learned the desirable responses to situations, I'll be able to go off it. I haven't failed. I just wasn't ready to go off them yet and now I know that I'll be OK and that everything will still work out.