Ever feel like you are living life for 2, you and then your spouse. That is how things are around here - A little background - We have been married 3 years and he has n 11yo from a previous marraige. He is inthe military and has been for 16 years. Recently I fell in love with someone else which has led us to question our marriage so we ended up in counseling , which led us to my husbands ADHD - Its not official yet but its definiltey obvious to both of us. Im frsutrated b/c I dont know what to do to help him. We try making a list every morning of his daily tasks, which works sometimes. He is disorganized, inattentive, procrastinates etc...any ideas on ways to adapt so that I am not running life for two?

One of the first things I'd recommend is to learn as much as you can yourself about ADHD, so you can put into proper perspective the behaviours he might exhibit and the feelings you might have.

One of my faves is called "ADD and Romance" by Jonathan Scott Halverstadt and one I've just read recently is a "self care" book for partners entitled "Living with ADD When you"re not the one who has it."

You can also gain a lot of knowledget that will give you some of that "aha!" feeling by browsing through the nonADD forums and other forums on this site, such as the men with ADD/HD or the Relationships.

I'm guessing you are going through the formal diagnostic process (because other problems can sometimes seem like ADD but are not and require different approaches). In this way he can also explore possible treatments, behavioural and/or medicinal.

Another thing you might try is getting into ADD marriage counselling early to help work with some issues that you have already been experiensing. You might get an ongoing therapist that can help with issues as they arise.

You should develop a healthy sense of independence and a hearty core of self worth and yet try not to be mother, because that theme is represented over and over in our forums. It can be an easy slope to slide down since everyone wants their partner to be ok, to be happy, to be able to get things done, to be predicatable. It is easy to start doing more and more and you should be careful on that one.

Also, meds and behaviour therapy will not be a silver bullet, and you may already know this, some behaviours may not change at all, others may only be moderated. For all time, your husband will likely have problems, maybe significant problems with disorganization, inattentiveness, procrastination etc.

I guess my last advice is that nothing is likely to make a difference in your husband's behaviour unless he really wants to get going on it himself. On some things he may be more motivated and on some things, less or not at all, and you may have to think about what is important in your relationship, i.e. pick your battles and go for only those that are most significant.

Anyway, lifefortwo, you are lucky in some ways because your husbands likely ADD has been identified early in your relationship and provided you work on your half of the equation in becoming as knowledgeable as possible and learn or improve some of your own coping skills you can become one half of a formidable couple!!:cool:

My very best wishes for your new relationship, I truly hope you find some helpful ways to smooth the path you'll be walking together. One thing that is sure, you will likely never have a dull moment! :) :)

crime scene

Ever feel like you are living life for 2?
Oh yes! Definitley.

When my boyfriend and i first started seeing one another, was probably the hardest. He was not taking any meds, was not aware of various things in life, wasnt taught the basics. It was rough!!

Get him on some medication. It works wonders!! Read as much as you can, so you can understand WHY he does some of the things he does.

Crime_Scene nailed everything on the head... So i will not sit here and repeat his advice.

Have patience, understanding and love. It's a bumpy ride, that you can both overcome.

Best of luck to you :)

Thanks for the input everybody - I have been better about accepting somet hings now that I know there is a reason. We are in marriage counseling which seems to be helping...we got there a round about way though, which led us to the diagnosis....The books, I will have to give them a try...It just seems like I will be running both lives forever...the tunnel never ends today...maybe tomorrow I will see it....Does it ever seem too much? You guys make it sound easy :-) Thanks again....Im still struggling with it all...

Easy? haha... Never. I think it gets EASIER yes, but its not easy.
I feel overwhelmed all the time. In the beginning i thought, Why the heck do i want to do this?? Or why am i going through this... but it does get easier.

You sound like you are on the right track. None of us are experts, just take it day by day with Baby Steps :)

I didn't read any of the above posts (I should, but it's too long; ADD kicking in!), so I may repeat something others may have said.

How much do you know about ADD? Be sure to get your facts before doing anything. Also, is your husband on meds? Stimulants? Antidepressents? If he is and he's still being ADD, then maybe switch his meds. Or if he's not taking any, make him talk to his doctor about getting some. Or, you could just talk to a counslor, marriage couslor, etc. They always give good advice and tips.