My son is now 10. He was diagnosed at age 7 with impulsive ADD. Has been on Concerta and Adderall. Concerta works well for him. He is an excellent student and very loving and caring person. He is currently on summer break so we have opted to not medicate him. He is still doing very well without his meds and starting to show signs of maturity. Our concerns are about his lack of personal motivation. He enthusiastically expresses interests in sports and music and other activities. We sign him up, he does the activities, but almost always half heartedly. He has virtually zero interest in improving or putting in the work necessary to improve. Example; He asked for a guitar.......repeatedly. After much consideration, he got one for Christmas and was made aware of the fact that an electric guitar requires lessons, dedication, and a genuine desire to learn. He started off great. But as most kids do, he has lost interest and gives us a hard time about practicing daily (which one must do to have success) Of course this is a normal situation, but the concern is that it happens with anything that requires the discipline to practice in order to improve. Baseball.... He loves to play, loves to have fun, wants to be recognized (game ball etc) but doesnt do very well and wants to get better. He rarely puts forth an effort during practice to get better. School...... wants to get an A on a report, but writes the least possible to complete the assignment. We tell him he needs more meat in the text and he rationalizes that he is following the instructions, which he is, but never puts in more effort than he has to. Now here is the dilemma; I have always been the motivator for him. I always take him to practice, talk about the importance of setting and reaching goals, I ride him about guitar and how if it were easy anyone would do it. I challenge him and have done so with everything up until now. In all honesty, sometimes I am hard on him, but my purpose is two-fold: I want him to realize that life is not always free and easy and that hard work will help you attain your goals. I am undecided whether this is hurting or helping. He has grown so accustomed to having someone kick him the pants to achieve goals that he very, very rarely does it for himself. I dont want him to be a lazy kid. I require that he sign up for some kind of activity throughout the year. Non- negotiable. I dont care what it is, he can pick. But he must complete the activity and put forth his best effort consistently. If he doesnt give 100%, I remind him that it was his choice and he was made aware of the type of commitment that he made for BOTH of us. His, with his time and effort and ours, with our time and financial support. If he were left to his own devices he would spend the bulk of his time watching TV and just hanging out without any real purpose. I think this is a recipe for disaster in later teen years. I try to instill the work ethic and praise him for his accomplishments and always reminding him that hard work will pay off in anything you do, be it school, work, sports, music, etc. At this point I am tired and Im sure he is, of constantly being the motivator. I would like to see more initiative in him. I have always believed that I could challenge him and he would eventually catch on and do this for himself but it does not seem to be happening. Our relationship is great and we love to spend time together, but at times it can be stressful as well. He feels me pushing him to work hard and I feel his lack of desire.
If I back off and let him decide his own fate, I am almost certain he will choose to do nothing. That is an uacceptable choice in our home. Laziness is not an option. If I continue to make him work, there will be resentment and also someone will always will him into doing things. Not a good life lesson either. Its hard to put the dynamic of our relationship into words and I am sure there are things I am not fully explaining but I feel like this is a crossroads and I am unsure about which way to go.

Sticking with things is definately a problem for ADDers. Is the problem staying with tasks as bad on medication as off? Many doctors are no longer suggesting taking summers off, because the executive functions are still needed for socializing and other summer activities. Have you read Barkley's book, Taking Charge of ADHD (you can order it at www.addwarehouse.com (http://www.addwarehouse.com) or www.specialneeds.com (http://www.specialneeds.com)? He has good information on the whys of ADHD behavior and the how to deal with it stuff.


Take care
Scattered

The one benefit for people who want to do things in life but don't have the will to work hard at it:

They will get things done in half the time, cheaply, and with the least effort possible. Businesses love that!!! Seriously.

I think its great your encouraging your kid to be involved... it will keep him from vegging out completely.

Amen to that, my daughter was in girl scouts and couldnt even make it through the whole year, and what is odd about it is that when she is there, she has a blast, even her girl scout leader who is a friend and co worker says she doesnt understand it. But obviously it comes from the adhd. She did decide that next year she wants to do girl scouts again, but I sat her down and told her, you are not going to do it half way, you are gonna attend every meeting and you will participate in the cookie sales, in overnight outings etc. But you will not quit half way through. She has also decided she wants to join band for 5th grade, playing a percussion instrument (like I'm not crazy enough from everything, LOL) but I explained that she will have to put ALOT of time into practicing or her teacher will know that she is not. So hopefully between the meds and the support she will make a success of both endevours (sic?)

One strategy that worked for our son (7 1/2) was to find an activity with a relatively short season. He's two games away from completing the baseball season which in our community only runs from mid April to Mid June. He also participated in a Church programme (kind of like scouts) which ran in 3, 3-month segments. Because it was broken down into 3 separate sessions, each completed session was a success for him!

We hope he can build on these successes in the future. Outside of school (a whole 'nuther story:mad: ), I'd say our son has had a year to be proud of.

Karen.

As tough as it is to get kids to follow through with this stuff sometimes -- I think it is one of the most important things a parent can do to help an ADD kid succeed. I know my parents had pretty strict rules about finishing what you start and we couldn't start anything else until we did. I think the music I took was one of the biggest factors in helping me develop a good self esteem despite my struggles in school -- it was something to feel good about and a place to make friends.

Scattered

Sticking with things is definately a problem for ADDers.So very true Scattered. It's hard for just about every ADDer on the face of this planet. You have to realize this, most of it really isn't his fault.

If your son isn't taking meds at the moment, you may have to micromanage, meaning that you'll just have to tell him to do it. Since he's ten, it's a good advantage to use something like a reward, such as going to see a movie, buying him something, or just a weekend trip. But ONLY if he does what he has to do (i.e homework, chores, guitar practice, etc.).

If that doesn't work, maybe you should go back on the meds.

Thanks to everyone for their replies. Make no mistake, this problem is prevalent with and without meds. Its not that there is not an effort during the activities. He does try. He always tries his hardest during games and during music lessons and very important tests. Its more a personal desire to want to become better. No fire in his gut to really compete or prove to himself that he can do something. He kind of just "goes through the motions" during practice. Never applying a concerted effort to go beyond the norm and shine. If me or my wife never force him to practice and challenge him to learn and prefect a tune, he would just be content with the little he knows. If I never worked on various drills to help him perform better in sports, he would be happy just being an average player. The problem lies in the fact that he loves to garnish attention for being a guitar player or baseball player or basketball player. Its like he want the recognition for doing something but doesnt do anything to gain respect for excelling in it. Never once has he ever told me he wants to quit anything. Never. Never complains about having to go to music lesson or games or school. Its just that there is no desire in achieving more than just the norm. He is quite content is just being average. I would just like to see more drive from him. More initiative. A desire to want to be better. Not a desire to do what we ask, but a desire from within himself to succeed.

Thanks to everyone for their replies. Make no mistake, this problem is prevalent with and without meds. Its not that there is not an effort during the activities. He does try. He always tries his hardest during games and during music lessons and very important tests. Its more a personal desire to want to become better. No fire in his gut to really compete or prove to himself that he can do something. He kind of just "goes through the motions" during practice. Never applying a concerted effort to go beyond the norm and shine. If me or my wife never force him to practice and challenge him to learn and prefect a tune, he would just be content with the little he knows. If I never worked on various drills to help him perform better in sports, he would be happy just being an average player. The problem lies in the fact that he loves to garnish attention for being a guitar player or baseball player or basketball player. Its like he want the recognition for doing something but doesnt do anything to gain respect for excelling in it. Never once has he ever told me he wants to quit anything. Never. Never complains about having to go to music lesson or games or school. Its just that there is no desire in achieving more than just the norm. He is quite content is just being average. I would just like to see more drive from him. More initiative. A desire to want to be better. Not a desire to do what we ask, but a desire from within himself to succeed.
Unfortunately, a lot of what you are saying is just the pain of being a parent. I think for me part of the fear in the back of my head was what if: he reaches adulthood and makes no move to take care or support himself? will i have to hold his hand his entire life and walk him through everything?

If he hasn't complained and asked to quit maybe you could just do the driving and stop the verbal coaching. I'm just brainstorming some guesses so please don't take this to mean I am calling your situation this way but - what if he is a perfectionist at heart and trying means failing, trying means showing you that he is "just" average, or maybe he drags his feet internally because all of these activities mean more to you right away because you are hoping so much, it has become less about him and more about you.
I think that is possible to happen even if a parent isn't being a armchair coach just from anxiety or worrying for the best for our child. It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing and the same kind of stuff I have done with my kids through the years but what if his personality is more sensitive to it than most and it seems like arm chair coaching.
Maybe he gets enough attention now that trying harder isn't necessary. I think they have to learn how to get something out of things intrinsictly for it to mean anything and outside rewards can distract from that. He is probably learning a lot more than you realize (life lessons) and will carry it with him through life.

Again, none of this may apply to your situation, just some thoughts.....

Excellent post. I often struggle with these thoughts as well. One common thread that I have seen in most postings and conversations I have had with other people who have ADHD is that they all pretty much say they wish they had someone in their life who pushed them to do more. They were talented, but never had the "coach" (i.e. parent, guardian, role model) that pushed them to limits they always wanted to achieve. I have ADD and struggled with it as a child. My wife also has ADD and still struggles today. I was a good athlete and gifted at whatever I put my mind to. (which wasnt much). My wife is also extremely intelligent and things she has interest in, come easily to her. But the thing we have in common is that our goals have been hard to achieve. Yes ADD had alot to do with it, but mostly we acknowledge that our parents never really made us persevere. They were great, loving people, but they were old school immigrants and old school never talks about life. The only coaching we got was "youre going to college, you going to be someone, because I said so". We never met people in our lives that helped drive us to be better, we were left to our own devices and thus, made alot of poor choices. Now, as mature adults we realize that had we learned some discipline, dedication or had someone to "coach" us, we might have been more successful earlier in life. We still are grateful for all we have today, but we struggled monumentally to get here. It could have been an easier, shorter path had we had someone to help guide us to be better. Not in a detrimental way, but in a way that would have taught us the proper work ethic. Till this day, I work better when I have someone who motivates me whether it be in the gym on the ballfield or at work. Not someone that threatens me, but someone who challenges me to be better. To be more than "average". I just dont want my son to learn this lesson too late.

Well said, Palooka! My parents definately pushed me, especially my dad. They were very encouraging and accepting, but also really pushed me to do my best and it really did help me achieve my professional and educational goals. I think there has to be a blend of finding the right fit in interests and abilities and then the right balance of pushing, acceptance, and encouragment. Too much of one at the expense of the others can also shut the process down. That consistency isn't easy for any parent to achieve, especially one with ADHD -- but on the other hand maybe understanding the struggle better gives us a leg up in that department.


Scattered

I learn so much by reading different topics!!

My 8yr old Daughter doesn't really care to do extra-activities either. She loves going out and playing around but she is not into sports.

I think music/band are wonderful things for young people to be a part of. I was in the marching band for 5 years in high school and I learned so much from it, including self discipline!!

This is a really interesting thread. My daughter sounds a lot like Palooka's son. She likes to be "associated" with cool activities, but does not like to put out the effort. I have settled into a system to push her in the way that she wants to go. With team sports, she gets absolutely nothing out of the group practices, listens to the coach, then imediately ignores the instructions.

Hence, I personally coach my daughters in swimming and really emphasize their personal goals. Swimming also is a great sport for my ADDer in that she is always very calm and relaxed after a good swim. Just like you said, they want to be good, but dont want to work too hard at it.

It is often surprising what she can do when motivated. She was taking piano lessons, then decided she wanted a guitar. I said sure you can have a guitar. She, "really!" Sure, as soon as you finish those two piano books. She complained, but then really worked hard for about two months. That guitar sure was special when she finally earned it.

I too wish I was pushed a bit harder when I was younger. Kids need to be pushed, but in the direction that they want to go.

The Consensus that i get from the books I've read about ADHD is that ADHDers have to go with what they love to do AND excel in.

e.g. what they can --Hyperfocus-- on *for hours*...

I just had this same conversation with my husband. We have put our kids in so many activities with the same outcome!!! Me pushing them rather than them pulling me to get them there on-time or at all. Just a few days ago at my kids diving meet my husband asked me when my kids are going to find something they are passionate about? At age 4 he was extremly driven for baseball. I have come to the concusion that my kids are extremely athletic and most sports come easily to them but they are not athletes!! Meaning they don't have that competitive drive and do not want to out do or make other kids feel bad by competing against them they would much rather socialize and have fun. Funny thing is that my 7 year old is ADHD my 11 year old is ADD and both are incredible athletes with no competitiveness. They play baseball, golf, swimming, gymnastics, diving, surf, snowboard, you name it we have tried it and they can do it. For now I am settled on sports fulfilling a need to be physically fit rather than a life goal. My little 4 year old who doesn't show any signs of ADD or ADHD has the most competitiveness I have seen in a little guy but will probably not have the natural abilities that my other two have.

One of my son's that was an average athlete but is very goal driven from the time he was little, accomplished a sports scholarship. My teen that is very adhd would always cry when I put him in things for the exercise so we thought he was probably a bit of a nerd. It turned out that he was the most talented and equally competitive. The coaches loved him because he would play whatever position they asked and try hard without complaining. The big catch - he would never have signed up for anything if I had left it to him.
I don't know if my attitude of it being their activity and I'm just the driver helped or not. I did always stick to the idea that if you have teammates depending on you then you show up for practice rather you feel like it or not.
My daughter never showed a passion for anything in terms of what she wanted to do with her life. She is a wife and mother now and her passion is her family. My next son, I had to do the crying thing to insist that he stick to the college stuff and not run off and enlist. Right now he is at basic training but he will be back to continue college in August. I kind of wish he hadn't found his passion.

My point is, with the exception of the sports scholarship son, I didn't know how things were going to end up with the others or who they would turn out to be as people. It was just a wait and see. I didn't push them because I don't respond to pushing. Especially if an activity is my idea, if someone pushes me then my internal motivation disappears and I'm done with that. It has become work because of the external expectations. So I didn't push my kids other than that they had to participate. They seem to be like me so it worked for us. Your son maybe like you and so the oppisite may be what will work for you.

You just have to have faith. Even if you aren't seeing passion, you aren't seeing rebellion either. That is a huge thing. I don't think a person can be pushed to find a passion because it is something that they have to discover in themselves. Besides his passion might be something that he won't have a chance to experience until he is an adult but you are at least teaching him to stick things out and finish them.

Have you tried music? How about the piano?

Some of the sports are non-competitive on your list, surfing, snowboarding. Do your kids not like those?

We have done piano, viola, guitar and drums. So far we are doing drums in school band because my daughter can sneak by and still get an "A" without much practicing. My kids will do anything and seem to like everything but there is no drive and they generally don't move to the next level in anything. We took the kids surfing last weekend and my daughter found some friendly kids at the beach and declined to take her board out. Really I think they view sports as social hour. I don't expect them to be the best but I do expect them to try. Tonight I went to a diving meet and both my kids chickened out of their dives. I am so frusterated and disappointed I told them they were done for the summer and they both claimed that tomorrow was going to be the day they started trying!!! I am not going to be the one putting them in activities any more if they feel passionate about something they will have to find a way to make it happen. I think I am going to give up trying to find something they love!! If they want to do any activities they can earn the money and pay for it themselves maybe then it would mean something. I want to be supportive and see them succeed but they just don't seem to care. It is not as if they are defiant or anything they are good kids but I don't understand their lack of desire. Maybe I have given them too much. My mom always taught me that kids in activities are kids that are not in trouble, it builds confidence and teaches them lessons. Feels more like I am wasting my time.

We have done piano, viola, guitar and drums. So far we are doing drums in school band because my daughter can sneak by and still get an "A" without much practicing. My kids will do anything and seem to like everything but there is no drive and they generally don't move to the next level in anything. We took the kids surfing last weekend and my daughter found some friendly kids at the beach and declined to take her board out. Really I think they view sports as social hour. I don't expect them to be the best but I do expect them to try. Tonight I went to a diving meet and both my kids chickened out of their dives. I am so frusterated and disappointed I told them they were done for the summer and they both claimed that tomorrow was going to be the day they started trying!!! I am not going to be the one putting them in activities any more if they feel passionate about something they will have to find a way to make it happen. I think I am going to give up trying to find something they love!! If they want to do any activities they can earn the money and pay for it themselves maybe then it would mean something. I want to be supportive and see them succeed but they just don't seem to care. It is not as if they are defiant or anything they are good kids but I don't understand their lack of desire. Maybe I have given them too much. My mom always taught me that kids in activities are kids that are not in trouble, it builds confidence and teaches them lessons. Feels more like I am wasting my time.
You're mom is right. Maybe it is like watching grass grow though. You can't see the results because you are staring too long. Let them own the activities. By that I don't mean stop paying for it. I mean quit looking for results. Think about all the lessons you have learned in life from things. Did you learn it because you had a constant audience or because you were the star? Or did something happen internally that caused you to learn from it that no one else could see? It sounds kind of like you don't think you are getting your money's worth out of it.
It's not our job to find our kids' passion. It's our job to make them feel safe, loved, and confident enough to look for it or at least be open to it. Even if our kids lack motivation to sign up for things because of their adhd, we have taken care of that step for them. Then we need to let life and whatever coaches teach them what they need to know. They might make mistakes and screw up but that doesn't mean it is a failure. It's only a failure if they don't learn anything from it and they won't if we constantly are stepping in to micro-manage it for them. There's a good chance that we will never know exactly what they are getting out of things because we aren't inside of their heads. But as long as they are good kids and open to new experiences then believe me, you have done a good thing.

I grew up in a home of redicule. A place where failure was not an option so the best way to avoid failure was not to attempt it in the first place. I hope my kids can fail over and over again. It takes confidence to fail. Something I don't posess.