Am I the only parent that feels like their child doesn't like them? When he gets mad he screams and yells at me, nothing I do or say stops it. I feel like a complete failure. Am I bringing all this on myself because I don't know how to handle it? It seems like he pures hates me. As a result I have a hard time when he's in a good mood, cause I remember the ugly things he said before. It's hard for me to just ignore what he said, even though I know I should.

I'm very frustrated.

Ah yes, I'm right there with you. It's very difficult. I think impulse has a lot to do with it, and of course who do you take your frustrations out on.....the people you know will still love you after.

I think it's pretty common. I try not to take it personally, and generally don't, but I have a really really hard time with the disrespect. It eats at me every day to have a child that is so disrespectful. I've tried everything from rewards, to grounding, to taking everything away, to ignoring, to laughing at it, nothing works.

I have no suggestions, but I feel for you, you certainly aren't alone!

I know that hurts. It really isn't about hating you at all though. It is about his difficult controlling his impulses, his anger, and maybe even his own low self esteem. When he says something like that you might respond by saying something like, I hear that you're really angry with me right now. Help reframe it as being about feelings rather than about your relationship. Encourage him to express his anger in healthier ways like through art, exercise, hitting a pillow, etc. Reframing what he says also reminds you that it isn't really about hate -- just dysregulated feelings.

Take care!
Scattered

My therapist calls this "throwing up" my husband will throw up this mood/information all over my shirt and then he moves on to a much better mood and I am left wearing a shirt with throw up on it the rest of the day. We haven't figured out a cure yet but I am reading a book called How to talk so kids will listen and it is about active listening and repeating back the emotion they are talking about. Seems to help I sort of talk him through the mood without actually agreeing or disagreeing. I don't get flustered as much and he gets the validation he is looking for and can turn around his bad mood much faster.

Am I the only parent that feels like their child doesn't like them? When he gets mad he screams and yells at me, nothing I do or say stops it. I feel like a complete failure. Am I bringing all this on myself because I don't know how to handle it? It seems like he pures hates me. As a result I have a hard time when he's in a good mood, cause I remember the ugly things he said before. It's hard for me to just ignore what he said, even though I know I should.

I'm very frustrated.I doubt that your son really hates you. Sometimes, when people (and especially ADDers) get angry, their emotions just blind them. This usually causes people to do things they regret, like the things they say or do. If your son says something that really offends you, just remember that he really doesn't mean it. Just whatever you do, don't flame back while you guys are in a heated arguement.

I hope everything starts to work out alright :)

1/2 of all ADHD kids would qualify for a diagnosis of ODD at some point. You would think that this perception would not be that uncommon. My daughter is like that. She is 18. Sometimes she is sweet as pie and other times we can't do anything right. It does get better with time!!

My therapist calls this "throwing up" my husband will throw up this mood/information all over my shirt and then he moves on to a much better mood and I am left wearing a shirt with throw up on it the rest of the day. We haven't figured out a cure yet but I am reading a book called How to talk so kids will listen and it is about active listening and repeating back the emotion they are talking about. Seems to help I sort of talk him through the mood without actually agreeing or disagreeing. I don't get flustered as much and he gets the validation he is looking for and can turn around his bad mood much faster.
I also have a good book suggestion, "Between Parent and Child" by Dr. Ginot. It's about active listening and mirroring emotions. As an ADHD Mom with a ADHD son, I have relied heavily on the advice in this book becasue knowing what to say does not come naturally to me. ADHD can create emotionally reactive people who get overwhelmed and frightened by their strong emotions. I've learned to validate how my sons feels by saying the right things, and it really seems to help. Just letting him know that I know he's mad seems be to a relief to him. Then I usually ask him, "Is there something I can do to help you understand your anger, or do you want to work though this yourself?" He normally says, "I'll do it myself." And then runs off and plays like nothing even happened!

yes melaine me your right it can make emotionally reatcive peps i fall into that only last night i was in a argemt cos that i reactive badly when i think someone messing me about very strongely so your so right you do good by the way you tell him things its not what you say its how you say it again to him nothing has happend as soon as the angers gone hes back to normal >> iam shore there others on here who might say the same thing i know i do you can only do what you can maybe in time he come to you with out you pointing it out dorm

Another thing I thought of is that it's really important to separate your sons actions from your son himself. He has a disorder that does not allow his brain to function like a child without ADD. He probably has a really hard time seeing that his actions affect those around him. It's the ADD, not your son, that is affecting your life.

Just make sure he knows you still love him regardless of how he is acting. I wish so badly that I was diagnosed as a child and my parents could have said, "I know you're angry right now, but I still love you." or "When you yell and hit, my feeling get hurt, but I still love you very much and hope we can have a good day when you calm down."

Us ADDers internalize all of our mistakes and failures and end up feeling like a big piece of crap at the end of the day. It's such a gift to be able to tell a ADDer that they are still loved and deserving of that love in spite of it all.

I have so far survived the stage called "puberty" in two female children, am struggling with the third's stage and will one day struggle with the fourth...I do not know how male children react to that stage in life, but I can offer that female children seem to HAVE to hate Momma in order to find themselves...regardless what, it is a painful period of time and it does pass. Knowing that did not, does not and probably will not make being told I am hated any less painful.

I have had to let a lot go, not internalise and take some things as "not personal" myself. I have felt your pain and can offer no advice, just letting you know that pain is pain and felt by many here. You are not alone at all.

Another thing I thought of is that it's really important to separate your sons actions from your son himself. He has a disorder that does not allow his brain to function like a child without ADD. He probably has a really hard time seeing that his actions affect those around him. It's the ADD, not your son, that is affecting your life.

Just make sure he knows you still love him regardless of how he is acting. I wish so badly that I was diagnosed as a child and my parents could have said, "I know you're angry right now, but I still love you." or "When you yell and hit, my feeling get hurt, but I still love you very much and hope we can have a good day when you calm down."

Us ADDers internalize all of our mistakes and failures and end up feeling like a big piece of crap at the end of the day. It's such a gift to be able to tell a ADDer that they are still loved and deserving of that love in spite of it all.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this. It's well said. Once I started seeing the behaviour as an incontrolled impulse, I was able to start separating the behaviour from the person.

My son is 7 1/2 in grade 2 (almost out!!) and I have always believed that he internalizes all of the garbage that his teacher has been throwing at him this year. It helps to hear you validate this. I hope I'll be better at helping him.

You have helped me today!!!!:) :) :)

Thanks guys. Everyone was great w/ advice and just sharing. That was helpful and let's me know I'm not alone. Sorry it took me so long to get back to it. :)

Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this. It's well said. Once I started seeing the behaviour as an incontrolled impulse, I was able to start separating the behaviour from the person.

My son is 7 1/2 in grade 2 (almost out!!) and I have always believed that he internalizes all of the garbage that his teacher has been throwing at him this year. It helps to hear you validate this. I hope I'll be better at helping him.

You have helped me today!!!!:) :) :)
Thanks to you! I'm such a blabber mouth, it's wonderful to hear that you enjoyed my post!

Good luck!

I think we all feel like our kids hate us at some point. I have 12, 11, and 10 year old boys. 1 1/2 yr old girl. My youngest boy has adhd. We seem to but heads continiously. We fight, and he gets mad, he won't go to his room, but will lay on the floor and I end up trying to pick him up to get him there, it is unbelievable at times, He will apologize to me but in the next breath is backtalking and not listening. It is constant. I, too, feel like a failure as a parent. My 12 yr old is just too cool for me right now!! He is tall as I am so grown up. The testosterone is flying at my house!!!I try to step back, but it is so hard when my whole day is the 3 of them fighting. My ADD er usually starts it, but his brothers know that he will get mad easily so wind him up then ask him if he has taken his meds today? I get so angry with them. I too have done the grounding thing, and taken things they like away. I guess that one day it will be normal but I feel bad because while I have parents tell me they hate to see thier kids go back to school, I am glad because it actually means a little peace for me(and I run an inhome daycare!!) I love my son, but I am at my wits end right now.
My son goes to doc on Friday for meds. So I am right now trying to get everything in my head I need to ask. So to everyone who feels like this, it will get better it has to.

Scb, your house sounds a little like mine! I have 3 boys (15, 13 and 7). My middle son is diagnosed ADHD, but the other two have their moments! I recently decided that if they have to argue, they have to do it in their rooms. (I really just needed a break from the constant bickering. Distraction, rewards for not fighting, etc. - nothing seemed to work.) Anyway, two trips to their rooms with the explanation that this is what would happen every time they started fighting have really curbed it! I know it's only temporary, after all, they are boys! And on topic...only my 7-yr-old doesn't think I'm a complete idiot (key word being "complete," after all, he's still young!). Ironically, we do have a very good relationship (joke often, able to talk - most of the time, etc). That, plus the fact that they eventually go to sleep, keeps me sane and gives me a minute to remember how much I love each one of them! Take care "and know that they love you"! (One of my favorite songs!)

Trevor get to this point too, he has done much better since starting the Marble Program but he does say mean things to me when he is mad. I am the opposite, when he is being sweet I forget about all the mean things he says.

Things will get better.

I think my parents probably felt this way about me. I realised when I became an adult what a great job they did, and that I love them so much. I tell them often now, not that it will really make up for the little pain in the butt I was!

<TABLE class=tborder cellSpacing=1 cellPadding=6 width="100%" align=center border=0><TBODY><TR title="Post 314005" vAlign=top><TD class=alt1 align=middle width=125>Animal</TD><TD class=alt2>I think my parents probably felt this way about me. I realised when I became an adult what a great job they did, and that I love them so much. I tell them often now, not that it will really make up for the little pain in the butt I was!</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>



I soooooooooooo agree with you.I will be the first to admit that I was not a easy child even more so in my younger teen years.Once I became pregnant and had children of my own,I reliezed a LOTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!! I love my mother VERY dearly and now relieze just how precious she is.Always knew it but never showed it,sure gave her a run for everything she had!!!

<<Hopes she is not speaking to quickly,but i have a 8 and 12 year old and have not heard the i hate you or i dont like you and pray i do not.I know that i went through that as a child though.
Good luck and wish you the best of luck!!!

Am I the only parent that feels like their child doesn't like them? When he gets mad he screams and yells at me, nothing I do or say stops it. I feel like a complete failure. Am I bringing all this on myself because I don't know how to handle it? It seems like he pures hates me. As a result I have a hard time when he's in a good mood, cause I remember the ugly things he said before. It's hard for me to just ignore what he said, even though I know I should.

I'm very frustrated.trust me (as i am a kid) he loves you! no matter what he said or say's in the future he will and always has loved you (maybe not as much when you refused to buy him skittles at wally world, but he still loves you trust me he WILL grow out of it and if not smack the sh** outta him to get him back to reality! lol)