Hi, I am new. I have a 4 yr old son, who was diagnosed with ADHD about 6 mos ago. I know it sounds dramatic, but this is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life. I spend my day wondering what I did wrong because he is out of control. Out. Of. Control. I feel terrible because this house is just running at a stress level of about 10000 out of 10, and inevitably we are all taking it out on each other and no one's life is very fun. My son is just CONSTANTLY being naughty or destructive or out of control and 99% of our interaction with him is putting him in time out or yelling at him for throwing toys, hitting his brother, climbing the furniture, running in circles, throwing himself at walls, or making stupid noises for hours at a time. I would say his "worst" symptom right now is just literally no short term memory at ALL, meaning that 1. There is no effective way of disciplining him because he has no recollection/interpretation of time outs or discipline and that 2. We are all just beside ourselves with frustration at the fact he can ask the same thing HONESTLY 50 times in 10 minutes, he just doesnt remember.

I just want to have a child that I can have a relationship with. Is that too much? I want to be like my freinds who reads to their children and takes them to movies and I want all my kids to be able to play together rather than segregating them apart because DS will start hitting or throwing toys and my other children (11 mos twins) have been seriously hurt by him. We cant go outside because DS runs away or starts getting in trouble. I feel like my other children (and me and DH) are missing out on life because we spend so much of our day literally restraining or disciplining DS.

I have all three of his Drs pushing meds and I cant do it. I cannot get over the guilt and feeling of failure that is inevitable from taking that step. It is very hard because my DH is wanting to do meds too and getting extremely frustarted with my inability to get past this. His sympathy for me when he comes home to me hysterically crying because DS has had a particularly bad day is seriously waning because he thinks I am not willing to do anything about it. Of course it does not help that he is a licensed child psych so feels he also has that advantage. I guess my biggest fear stems from the fact that my brother has ADHD and starting meds was just terrible for him, triggering a serious addiction to sleep meds, then narcotics and alcohol. He lives in and out of rehab centres and I hear once a week "You know, this never would have happened without Ritalin". Sigh. I KNOW in my head that its an individual situation and that really it means nothing for my son, but it just plays further into my fear, KWIM?

I am doing so badly now, I cant imagine doing this for the rest of my life. I am so stressed and so worried and its really taking a toll on me. Something DESPERATELY needs to happen, or I am worried for my own health. And then THAT makes me feel like a terrible mother because what kind of mom cant deal with her own child? There are mothers dealing with Leukemia and cancer and I am whining over a silly little ADHD thing? I just needed to vent and whine and I thank you all so much for listening. Back to the jungle.........

Hi and welcome to the forums!:)

It is very tough having a child with ADHD (my mother would attest to that!). The current difficulties don't spell out a life of failure and misery fortunately. You're just going to have to learn more about how your little guy's brain works and learn to work with it. Easier said then done I know -- I also have a ADHD child who would always run into the street and who I had to keep within arms reach pretty much constantly for the first 4 years of her life. It does improve some with age -- ADD is a developmental disability. There is typically a 30% lag in development, so you're dealing with a child who is 2 1/2 developmentally speaking (not in every area of course).

I would strongly encourage you to consider medication -- it is doubtful that any side effect of medication is going to be as devistating as the damage that is currently happening to your relationship with him from what you describe as well as how he feels about himself. As far as later drug use goes, ADD teenagers have twice the risk of non ADDers of abusing drugs, however, research has shown that ADDers on stimulent medication have the same risk of drug abuse as nonADDers. Medication actually is a protective factor where drug abuse is concerned.

I would strongly recommend the book by Russell Barkley called Taking Charge of ADHD. You can order this book from www.addwarehouse.com (http://www.addwarehouse.com/) or www.specialneeds.com (http://www.specialneeds.com/).

Taking medication will help retain the correct amount of neurotransmitters in the synaptic gaps allowing his sleepy cortex to "wake up" and do it's job of regulating his behavior and should help his memory issues as well by helping him pay enough attention to remember more of what he is told.

Vent all you need here -- I hope the support and information you find here will be valuable to you.:)

Scattered

PS: I doubt you would feel guilty if your son needed glasses or insulin to correct inherited problems and insist he try to get by without them? This is a very genetic condition and is no one's fault -- it's tough enough to deal with behaviors and extra challenges of having an ADHD child without adding undeserved guilty to the pile!

JaneMCW,
I'm sure you are a terrific mother. I think you should give the medication a shot. I think addiction wouldn't be a problem as long as YOU are in control of when your son gets his medication. I would say up until he is eighteen or out of highschool you should closely monitor how many doses per day he is getting. You and your doctor should be able to figure out a doseage for him that works (and remember, as he grows and puts on more weight, he will constantly need to see the doctor for a re-evaluation of his doseage). Just don't let him be in control of the medication until you KNOW, not think, that he is responsible enough to administer it to himself without abusing it. I know several people who were on Ritalin as children/teens and they were "model" teens and did not abuse there medicine (actually they had no desire to because the drug made them feel normal not high) and they didn't abuse other drugs because they were thinking clearly while on their meds. However, when they stopped taking it for whatever reason, they fell into a destructive path and DID start using illegal drugs just so they could try to back to "normal" like when they were on their Ritalin.

I don't have kids, but I can imagine how hard it would be to push a drug on to a child. What you have to remember is that with the medication your sons life may be a lot better and may steer clear of illegal drug use later in life because he will be able to control himself and his actions.

Again, I have to say, I don't have kids right now so I really don't have any experience with what you are going through but I do think you should give medication a chance if your doctor thinks it will help. And remember, doctors have to go to school for like a million years so I think they should know the advantages/disadvantages to the medications the prescribe. Make sure you ask your doc and do your own research on the advantages/disadvantages too.

–NewGuy

Welcome and what the other two posters said! I can report that meds have, in fact, curbed my own child's impulsivity. I can also report that while I was busy sustaining fruitless denial over her obvious differences to many other children, she did get away from me 3 times that I had to call the police/fire company.

That's frightening, isn't it? I know just how crazy you must feel yourself going. Please consider the meds.

Meds have helped for us too.

I am seeing Linda Sears who wrote a book on ADD tomorrow and the whole goal is to take my son off meds. She is located in Mississauga, Ontario. She has credentials in this field and very positive on giving people non meds way of dealing with children. I will post when we come back from our first appointment.

Okay, first, stop beating yourself up. You are not a bad mother. Your child has a disorder, and it's one that can be extremely difficult to parent, as you already know. It's not your fault. You didn't cause this, just as you can't cure it. Don't feel bad for how you feel, they are your feelings, it's your life in chaos, you have every right to feel the way you do.

Second, I don't want to be yet another person pushing meds to you, but I did want to share another side with you. You said you will feel guilty and like a failure for taking that step. I'm curious as to why you feel that way? Is it because of your brother, or something beyond that? I ask because it seems that a lot of parents feel like medication means they can't parent their child. So just "pop them a pill to make them behave", as we so often hear people around us say. There is a stigma out there that AD/HD children are just children out of control that parents aren't discipling enough, so they just drug them. Do you feel that way? Honestly? Like medicating your child would mean "you are failing" because you can't parent him out of this?

If that's the case, it's one I can certainly understand. I felt much the same way, and having everyone around me insist our son just needed "a hard hand", or "send him to me for a week and he won't act like that anymore", just made it even worse. You get to a point though that you realize that you can't discipline out of this, and I think you may be at that point, and maybe that's why you are here? Try to think of it in the same way you would if your son had diabetes. You would try to change his diet of course to help, right. If you changed his diet though for 4 yrs, and he still kept going into a diabetic shock would you still refuse meds, beat yourself up, and feel like a failure that you couldn't free him of his diabetes through diet? We tend to feel okay medicating our children if it's something that can show up on a blood test, but not for something that can also be very disabling just because it happens in the brain. Even though both things are caused by our bodies not making enough of, or to much of, something it needs to function normally.

You sound like such a loving parent, and I'm SURE you are doing everything you can, but please realize that this isn't a child acting out because you don't have a hold on him. It's a child acting out because the chemicals in his brain are not working properly. The most effective way to treat AD/HD, because it IS a chemical issue, is with medication, and this has been proven time and time again. Stimulant medications are the single most tested medication, prescription AND over the counter, on the market. The only thing that comes in as a second close is Aspirin.

Some children do okay with behavior modification, counseling, social skills training, and extra help in school when they have the more mild cases. Many just struggle significantly without medication though, in their families, in school, with their peers, with self-esteem, with everything.

I went through my entire life with undiagnosed AD/HD because I wasn't over the top hyper, and I struggled a lot. I made it through, never landed in to much trouble (or didn't get caught:p ), but have led a decent life. It's been such a struggle though. I failed out of high school. I've struggled through my adult life not being able to remember things, being impulsive, not being able to start anything, finish anything, not being as good of a mother as I could have been, and really just haven't done a 1/4th of what I'm capable of doing.
I was diagnosed just a few months ago, after my son was diagnosed, and I realized I had all the symptoms as well. Medication is changing my life. I really wish I would have been diagnosed as a child. I feel like I would be so much further along. I've self medicated through the years with a heavy cigarette addiction (started at 13yrs old), that was already severely effecting my health in my late 20's. After being told I wouldn't be here another 20 yrs, I quit. I also self medicate with excessive amounts of caffeine (working on this one now), and I did a great deal of impulse eating (working on this now too).

I also have a brother that has AD/HD. He was not diagnosed until he was a late teen, and right in the middle of what would be a 7 year Crystal Meth addiction that almost took his life. He was self-medicating. Of course when he was diagnosed, they couldn't exactly treat his ADHD at that point. Not wise to throw a stimulant medication at someone that just wants their next fix. Thankfully he has been recovered for a few years now and is doing well. I have to wonder though if his 7 years of h*ll could have been prevented had his ADHD been treated early on.

That's what I really wanted to share with you. It can go either way, and statistically, it more often goes the way it did with my brother. Stimulants can absolutely be abused, and lead to addiction. Studies show though that people with untreated ADHD are twice as likely to abuse drugs in order to self medicate. Where as those that are properly treated only have a very slight risk over the general population of abusing their medication, or illegal drugs.

Just something to think about anyway. What you are doing now, by your words, is not working. Why keep doing something that isn't working? Everyone is suffering, including your son. Dad is suffering, your other son is suffering, and most of all you and your son are suffering. It's consuming your life, your relationship with your son is suffering. I'm sure your son doesn't like doing bad things, being yelled at, being in time out all the time. And that is in no way a judgment, just stating it as it is... been there-done that.

Most people that find the right medication/dose, the benefits are truly amazing. Medication could very well turn your entire life around, your sons life around, and your families. I don't think that would be a failure, do you?

If you ever consider meds, just remember that you can stop them at any time if you dislike them. All stimulant medications leave the system each day. They aren't like other medications in that they don't have to build in the system to work. They work within an hour, and they leave the system each day. They can be stopped at any time. Strattera is the exception to this, as it is not a stimulant.

Now having said all that (sorry I tend to write to much:p ), the decision is totally yours to make. Your child-your decision, and you do need to do what you feel is best. Everyone decides for, or against, meds for their own reasons, and we are all just doing what we can to get our selves, and our children through this. If medication is absolutely out of the question, then try to find as many other options as you can. Behavior modification, lots of activities to expel some energy, therapy for everyone, etc. Just try some other things since right now things aren't working well for any of you.

Again, don't beat yourself up, and please know you aren't alone. We are all there with you, and here for you.
Good luck!

Reading your post made me cry. Although based on the past two days, that is not unusual. I am in a similar place as you are right now. My 6 year old dd was dx with ADHD recently, and just yesterday we had out official meeting with the ped.

She has me so stressed out that some days I am not sure how I will manage another moment. She is my 3rd child to be dx with some sort of condition. Compared to my dd they are a piece of cake. I keep trying to figure out what I did wrong to cause my children to have these issues. In my head, I know it was just a fluke. And I also know that it could be so much worse. We are lucky to live in an age where there is help, and that our children have conditions that can be treated.

She was so out of control yesterday that I all I could do was spend the day crying. Of course she had no idea what she had done wrong. Even if I spelled it out, she still would not understand. She is not trying to misbehave. She just cannot help herself.

About medication. Like you, I was afraid to put my child on medication. It is scary, and you wonder if you are doing the right thing. I have severe anxiety. About 6 years ago I began taking medication for it. My life before and after are two totally different experiences. My family is so much better off for it, and I am so much better off for it! As far as I am concerned, sometimes medication is no different than any other treatment. If my child needed glasses I would not prevent her from getting them. We are just starting medication, and I am anxious to see how well it works for her. I know that being in control will increase her self confidence and her overall joy.

You are a good mom, and you want the best for your child. Just make sure you look into what is really the best. Sometimes mommy guilt gets in the way of seeing what our children really need instead of what we think they need. I hope that you both find an answer that works for both of you. Very, very best of luck!!

It took me an entire year of struggling, daily calls from the teacher, poor grades, elimination diet, threat of repeating kindergarten, etc. Finally one day last summer I picked my son up from summer school and he was crying and his teacher was extremely flustered! I just wanted my sweet boy to find success and he was struggling way to hard!! He kept saying things like "I want to change my name" "Ryan is a bad boy and I do not want to be a bad boy" it broke my heart. So I broke down and called the doctor who sent us out a prescription. For an entire year the doctor just kept saying it is entirely up to you, every family is different and you tell me when you are ready. If I would have known how much the meds would have helped I wouldn't have made my little guy struggle each day the entire year of kindergarten. Now I am happy to say he has completed 1st grade with sold B's and no behavior problems. He is still a handful and I get worn down occasionally but the good days far outweigh the bad and he is having personal success and confidence.

One more thing... immediately eliminate red dye 40 from your sons diet. We went as far as to eliminate wheat and dairy too with improved behavior and try to eat not processed foods but that is still a constant battle. Red dye will immediately change my sons behavior even on meds and it is in everything from dental floss, tooth paste, gatorade, fruit snacks, cereal etc.

Thankyou so much for everyones support and input. It really means a lot to be able to come and see that I am not the only one going thru it all.

Me and DH spent a long time last night discussing our options from here on out, and I have made some appts with our "team" to go over what route we would take if we went with meds. Its a big step for me.

Thanks again, hope you are all having a good day!

Thankyou so much for everyones support and input. It really means a lot to be able to come and see that I am not the only one going thru it all.

Me and DH spent a long time last night discussing our options from here on out, and I have made some appts with our "team" to go over what route we would take if we went with meds. Its a big step for me.

Thanks again, hope you are all having a good day!
I would love to hear how things go, if you don't mind keeping us informed. Good luck, and hang in there!

There are lots of us out there Jane. I think the fact that you took the time to read the forum & post here speaks volumes to your commitment to your son. I relate to the guilt, I"m still going through it too.

My son was diagnosed late last month. He's in grade 2. His teacher pretty much rated him off the high end of scale on the standardized questionaires about ADHD behaviours. We have a family doctor and pedatrician who do not push medications at all. However, they counselled us that there are some kids who benefit tremendously from them. Our son's adhd has significantly interfered with his ability to learn and succeed in school. So we're trying him on meds & need to follow up on proper dosage & stuff. We see improvement on impulse control & he feels better about that. He's still struggling in school tho - so we're working on that.

My husband & I had the same feelings about meds & the fear I had about them came mostly from stereotypes & misinformation. I see that now.

The more I read and learn about adhd, the more I can separate the behaviour from the person in my own mind. During one particularly bad outburst (just before meds), my son was sad about not having anyone to play with, angry because of a limit I put on his activities for the afternoon and frustrated about his day in school. His presentation to me was: yelling (about how mean & horrible I was) and crying uncontrollably. The poor guy had no control. As he was exploding & crying, he was walking toward me. I was sitting down. He came right up to me, still carrrying on but threw his arms around me & hugged me tight. It really brought home to me how he had no ability to control all of this. He was frightened. Meds have helped this.

I'm still also in a bit of a "grieving stage" - coming to accept that our little boy is different. He's not the boy down the street who plays 3 team sports, takes piano lessons and has many friends. I'm letting that ideal go and accepting who my son is. He is more than a diagnosis & he has gifts to offer.

We are at the beginning too & have much to learn. Thankfully, there are others who are here to help.

& do keep us posted.

I thought of a few more things that helped during the time before we started meds. Touching!!! When my son would be so upset over anything I would stop what ever I was doing to touch his skin. Rub his back, stroke his arm or hug him and it seemed to help. He is also one that can't be rushed the more I would try to get him to dress faster the more he would melt down. But if I just started dressing him (yes he was old enough to do it himself) neither of us would get frusterated. He would just stand there chatting and following my lead stepping into his clothes without any fuss. But if I kept saying get dressed, hurrry or focus he does not do well with pressure. Even asking him to put on his seatbelt must not be rushed or he gets flustered. I am also seing a counselor to help me be a more effective mother to kinds with ADHD. For every negative thing you say to a child with ADHD it must be followed up with 10 positive things. Somedays even if the only positive thing you can think of is "you have such beautiful eyes" positive reinforcement is much more effective.

I remember coming home many days to my wife who was just going crazy from our daughters behavior. We tried other things, behavior therapy, etc. It helped, but in the end we went for meds. The change was dramatic and immediate. Our child noticed immediately and is so much happier now.

I really feel for you. My son is 5 and is having lots of issues with day care but very few issues at home. At this point he cannot be offically diagnosed because his symtpoms are not consistent enough so medication is not an option for us. We also deal with the short memory issue so I have him draw pictures - lots of pictures. If he does something wrong, I have him draw a picture of what he did and what the pumishment was and we post it on the fridge or on the wall in his living room or where ever he is playing. If he starts doing the same thing again I point at the picture and ask him if he wants the same punishment. He still doesn't always remember but it seems to help. I also focus on what he does well - he is very artistic and enjoys paints and markers. I use this as a way to focus his attention when it gets really out of control. He enjoys it and it gives me a bit of down time. As for the outside issue we have a privacy fence so he can't run away but he can play. As for the park we don't do that - to many problems. We do go to the zoo and he either can ride in the wagon or he can wear a tether - his choice. Maybe you can find some of this options useful. You are a good mom and will make the right choice for your family and your son but don't rush it and don't feel guilty about what every choice you may make.
Good luck!

"You know, this never would have happened without Ritalin"

Everyone has given you excellent advice about having an adhd child. I just wanted to add something about having a brother that won't take responsibility for his own disease. That is what that sentence screams to me. I have a brother that has gone through the things that you speak of and I recognize the blaming of everything and everyone else for their behavior. My brother didn't have ritalin to blame but it didn't stop him from finding lots of other things. You have to take that into account when you hear him say that.

The research I have read on addiction in connection with treatment of adhd puts more of a link to lack of treatment or stopping treatment when a child reached puberty because they believed that it was outgrown by then.

I am not sure that I have any words of advice or wisdom, but I cried when I read your email. It hits me where I live. I have a 5.5 year old boy with ADHD who was totally out of control, especially at 4. Being a year and a half older has helped in some ways, and made him more complex in others. We have done EVERYTHING for this child --- special schools, play therapy, floortime, OT --- all of them somewhat worthwhile and somewhat helpful. Recently, I had to make the very painful decision to begin meds. Everything helped --- a little. The problem was that we needed something to help a lot...for Kindergarten this fall, for social reasons, for his plummeting self esteem. Meds do help, but finding the right one can be a difficult journey as can dealing with "rebound" as they wear off. Only you can decide when and if it is the right time to try meds. Everyone told me to medicate him when he was 3 and I was not okay with that. I tried other things, and finally ended up at the last resort...medicating my child, but I had to try other things first before I could even go there.

Few people I know recognize that there are many losses to grieve with a child who has major problems. I feel deeply sad that my only child is a challenge a minute, that as a stay at home mom, his needs define my moment to moment, entire existence. I grieve that he is dearly loved but feels lonely, worthless and frustrated. I grieve that I am too old to have more children, at the social isolation in which I live and that I am constantly greeted with a litany of complaints about my child at every turn. I grieve that I am always in the middle of the chaos he creates, with no answers. I grieve that although numerous professionals tell me he is exceptionally intelligent, he cannot channel this gift other than to argue with me using big words. I know what it is to feel like a failure. Never in my life did I ever imagine that I would have a family life that is 90% stress and 10% fun, that I would have not one single moment of the day to myself and no prospect of relief in sight (dh travels all the time), that I would have to give up most every relationship and every activity outside of parenting and that I could love someone so much and be so utterly unable to do anything positive to help him. I feel like I have totally failed at my one and only chance to parent, and that meds are just the icing on the cake. My son had a horrible time with one of the meds given to him and even though we have found the right medication, it comes at a cost. He seems so much more negative, but hey, he'll get through school. I think the bottom line is that while our friends have these storybook parenting experiences, we spend most of our time choosing our battles, making difficult choices and hurting for our children.

Just wanted to chime in, here. I am in the same place as Jane. It seemed that my 8yr. son's personality changed in a flash at the beginning of school this year. I changed his school to a brand new one, with high hopes. I was frank with the teachers and the staff about my son's adhd and the likely behaviors he would present to them. No big deal, we're medicated and working on parenting with a psychologist...
Boy do I feel like a monkey's uncle now! He hates being in this school, no friends, etc. He is extremely disrepectful, fighting, hitting, kicking adults and children. I have witnessed him being carried, kicking, biting and screaming to the office by two strong men only to have them call an ambulance because he wouldn't calm down...horrifying. I was quite undone about it all and of course that didn't help him.
Dr. says "You must be calm at all times. Do not give in to his provocation." HAH! I feel like a failure too. This morning when he wouldn't get dressed for school and hid on me (again) so that we were late, I hated him so viscerally I could have torn him limb from limb and enjoyed it.
I feel frightended by these changes and not too confident I can succeed with him. As another poster here said, I am grieving too. This change to rages and defiance breaks my heart.
His ped. just changed his meds (friday 9/08/06) from strattera 60 m.g. to Focalin xr. I am praying so hard that this will help. Chin up, eh? This forum is always helpful to me, if nothing else, I know I am among many and I do draw courage and calmness from that. Thank you. Good luck Jane and thank you for writing here. Pleas let us know how things progress fo ryou and your family.

I know it is hard on you, and you have to remember it is not anything you did. My mother never could get past that and it hurt our relationship a lot. The sad part iit is also that hard on your son and it is easy to over look when you find it hard to handle. Just remember and I know its hard he is not doing it to hurt you.You also need to take a break by yourself as we can make even the happiest person go nuts. I wish I could take a break from myself at times, becouse any relationship with someone with add is hard. And many fail too.