I wonder if other folks have this problem. I am not sexually attracted to all my brilliant men friends of who can talk deeply and openly to me about mentally stimulating subjects.
Yet the men I am arroused by are intelligent, and of good character as well yet seem to lack in communication skills, they don't intellectually do it for me. Boo Hoo!
So I thought to myself well if you are married to a man who intellectually fulfills you yet you don't care to have sex with him, then your bound to cheat or want to. Yet the other way around I would just go out for good conversation!! Silly, I know as it would be so nice to have both!
The fellow I have been seeing is intelligent and sexy, but our conversations lack, it seems that what interests me, doesn't
get any feedback from him. I know that he considers me intelligent. I am trying not to complain or bring it up as we have only 3 months together. He does know I am bothered by our communication as I spoke of it a few times past. He didn't have anything to say about it. I had spoke of it in an email also. I feel invalidated because I mentioned it being of importance. With no rersponse. Yet, I made the attempt and feel that I needn't say anything more. Yet I am feeling a bit of anger sneaking in. I am worried that I will throw the relationship into a mold and therefore kill it
He also doesn't seem at all interested in my past or family history, doesn't ask questions. Yet he is kind and considerate
and thoughtful. Am I just over-reacting? If anyone has any similar experiences, advise, insight. I am REALLY FRUSTRATED. I am crazy about this fellow, and am TRYING to not see so much of him, as I fear It wont last. I want to accept him as he is. But I feel he is verbally holding back. Any ideas, options are appreciated.:( :(

I'm trying not to be biased in my response here, because women's sometimes inexplicable tastes in men have often driven me bonkers in life... :D :D :D

Unfortunately, my advice is not encouraging, but here it is for what it is worth:

Leopards don't change their spots. If this guy is nigh impossible to communicate with right now, nothing you do is ever going to change that in him... he may grow into someone more communicative on his own, but it is nothing you can control or count on.

If communication really is important to you, then I would give him an ultimatum, and most likely watch him go.

If he is more important to you than communication is, then I would realize that and resign yourself to a relationship with low communication, that otherwise meets your desires...

Sorry if this is blunt and depressing... :( Perhaps others here will have more encouraging words for you...

Not blunt and depressing, good stuff. I just feel caught up in gray area still. Communication/discussin books, science, phillosophy matters most. But I married a man who did intellectually stimulate me. The sex thing was tough though. We are still friends.
I just want both. Thanxs for your response Wayward..

Leopards don't change their spots.
Or as Al Gore once said, their stripes! :D





This is so typical. Women say they want a guy who is smart, funny, etc., but what they really want is a good looking guy.

But enough ranting: My advice is to go with the attractive guy. Because if you need conversation, you can get it outside of the relationship. You can get an intelligent friend, join a book club, or take a class. If sexual attraction is not there and you find yourself wandering to get it...well, that is trouble.

So go for the mimbo. ;)

I have never been with a man for looks, matterafact my brilliant millionaire, and the writer, are both goodlooking and athletic. So was my ex-husband, he was my surfing buddy. They just seem like they are me. Sounds weird. the Author calls me SOMS splinter -of-my-soul. And the wealthy one says we are the same person. Yet I find this one feller who isn't so buff,young
got a belly. 11 years my senior very sexually stimulating.
I think my problem is the "Mystery" part, when they are not so open in their minds and soul it grabs me. Now that is typical!
I just had a very good talk with him, all this rambling helps.
We decided to take some time off. I really felt some communication for change. We are just going to talk for a couple weeks now and then. Thanks for you input. I hope to get more.
Janine

Janine, what some people have said here as well is that the novelty tends to wear off of a sexual relationship... there are a couple of threads on it here. Were you ever attracted to these people sexually and it just went away, or were you never really that hot for them in the first place?

I understand your frustration if this is the case... I have been there before...

I think we look for too much in a marriage.

In work, many will say (don't dip in company ink) to mean don't date or "make friends" in business. business is business.

In many ways, though a bit more hidden these days, marriages are still a "special" kind of relationship. Sex defines it many times.

Getting an all in one might be good, but I don't know how real it is. Here is a related question.

Should your spouse be closer to you than your closest same sex friend? If so in which ways?

There must be distance in a marraige. Where it must be seems to be the mystery today.

Is this ringing bells for anyone else?

Marriage is growth. It is not a constant. Marriage will change every day and in every way - it is inescapable. Having come to terms with the above, the only sure thing about your mate (and the one thing that is a must for a happy marriage) is mutual respect. Your sexual apetites will change over time as well as your mates. The same is true for your intellect - what is brilliant today is embarrasingly trivial tomorrow. Mutual respect or what can also be called love will allow you to accept the changes that occur within your partner and within yourself. It is that acceptance that makes a marriage great.

Well I appologize in advance for probably boring you all with my long winded ramblings. It is my way of sorting through the jumble. Thank you!!
Wayward, I never was sexually attracted to these men friends. Very mentally attracted though, which could make me consider romance. I always thought it would be nice if I did "fall in love" with one of my brain buddies. They have both asked me to marry them thru the years. I just know it would be unfair if I didnt'/couldn't reciprocate their feelings. So I intentionally have not slept with either of them.
Even though we occassionally "party". Which has made me consider sex after a few drinks. My writer friend said he'd be happy if I just married his brain! The other one wanted someone he could relate with and fair to inherit his lifes work he is a bit older than I yet incredibly physially fit. Flips on the trampoline, swims miles, dances crazily. He has a good woman now, and I am happy for him. We remain good friends. We have a rule that nobody comes between us. And luckily our latest lovers accept it gracefully. I think it's pretty amazing to have friends like these! Just wish it was them i lusted after, there would be so much brain happiness discussing conciousness. I do believe that the quieter male animal
projects more masculinity, he is less balanced and that attracts this woman.
Yes I understand about the novelty wearing off. That was a reason to wonder what we had left after sexual attraction.
I am confused, we have a lot in common. We surf together, like motorbiking, both are musicians, he is ADD. I just wish he was a bit more engaging on the personal level. He is good at small talk and political interest.
We had a better than usual coversation early morn. And both felt we were too addicted to each other, and decided to take time off.
I think it's the ADD thing/ boundries. Not being able to part at a reasonable hour. Everything else falls along the wayside. I always get overwhelmed when I am in love. That is why I spent years not even dating. Interestingly not wanting to be involved seems to bring on more suitors.
I have been trying to evolve to the point where I attract and am attracted to well rounded/balanced men in feminine/masculine counterparts. And feel I have made progress through th years as I attract men that don't drink nowdays. (I rarely drink) And respect
women. But, the deeper talker issues still remains. I did have a 2 month boyfriend whom we discussed everything I was thrilled, but he got very nit-picky, naggy, had to find make an issue over every little thing. Like what it "really" meant when I politely refused a bite of his salad! So for now apparently I am right back to the strong silent type! ARGHHHH

janine - Oh I know what you mean! There are a few men who are interested in me but they don't hold a conversation or have any deep thoughts other than what's for dinner. Oh what a turn off!
These guys look great too, strange as it may sound.

On the other hand I have a really good friend who's very heavy (550lbs) who is intelligent and who sings too and I'm drawn to him like a moth to a flame...

Great truth Why, thanks.
Mutual respect is most important.

Wheel, I ride unicycle too, nothing fancy though how about you?
I agree there must be some distance in marriage. Perhaps that distance could be as simple as a hobby that you don't share in common at all?
Can anyone really be closer to us than one we are intimately involved with? I really feel soulfully connected to whomever I share a sexual bond. Or at least the fellow I am seeing and complaining as of late about.
Yet, I feel so connected to friends with whom I have good conversation. Male or female.

I have a 24 inch wheel, good for "speed" and takes small bumps nicely, not so hot for tricks at all. I can carry groceries, or school books... that's about it for fancy stuff.

For me there is nothing "cognitive" about the bond i feel for the person in my intimate relationship. I personally have never velt "comfortable" with being so "related" to two or more people at the same time. So sex makes one relationship very completely unique.

I don't even "like" having to ever change such attachments. But life challenges us.

I don't know how to work your puzzle. but, Good luck!

This is an older one- Janine, is this still an issue?

My boyfriend, who I've lived with for about five years now, is my definition of someone who cannot stimulate me intellectually- but we make a great pair. What I think is important is that our dispostions compliment each other and we share many values and philosophies.

"Marriage is growth. It is not a constant. Marriage will change every day and in every way" - Why

If only the two husbands I had knew that :(
My parents were a great example of this, both got higher education and new jobs during their Marriage and this helped them appriciate and love each other more. I love watching them together. :)

This still remains an issue, I am too busy for dating these days, but I hope that one day I will be attracted to a man who spins my wheels both mentally and physically. Maybe one day I wont be so darn picky!
Janine

No! Stay picky :D Good luck!

Do you have anything in common with this man? I find that we have better converstation when we have something in common...BF and I only have a couple of things that we DONT do together--everything else we are like hand and glove...and it gives us tons to talk about...just my thoughts

I know it's an older threat but I've to reply since I could have written it!
@JellyBean: I didn't believe that someone else put in words my EXACT feelings!!
Just to mention one! of your quotes that completely applies to me (there are a lot more):

I do believe that the quieter male animal
projects more masculinity, he is less balanced and that attracts this woman.
Yes I understand about the novelty wearing off. That was a reason to wonder what we had left after sexual attraction.
I am confused, we have a lot in common. We surf together, like motorbiking, both are musicians, he is ADD. I just wish he was a bit more engaging on the personal level. He is good at small talk and political interest.
We had a better than usual coversation early morn. And both felt we were too addicted to each other, and decided to take time off.
I think it's the ADD thing/ boundries. Not being able to part at a reasonable hour. Everything else falls along the wayside. I always get overwhelmed when I am in love.
I left my long term boyfriend who I deeply loved and who I'd definetely call my soul mate for my current boyfriend who is definetely not my soul mate but I am so crazy about him that you could almost call it sexual addiction (even though we don't have sex that often, maybe 2,3 times the week and our relationship is not sex based). However, if I've to be honest: I'd never left my boyfriend, if there wasn't this great (sexual) desire for my current boyfriend.
That's also the reason I feel so much guilt because I'm ashamed that this was my main reason to break up with my boyfriend (that I've been with for over 6 years) But I knew if I hadn't broken up I would have cheated and he didn't deserve that at all. (noone does by the way).
Now, with my current boyfriend I miss the deep conversation I had with my ex..
Especially when I'm feeling depressed, my current boyfriend can't help me.
My ex would just say a couple things and I instantly felt much better.
As, I said he was my soul mate (but unfotunately not my "body"/"sexual" mate)..
After seperating from him, I got really depressed because I thought my decision to brake up might have been very wrong and eventually, when the sex with my current boyfriend is not new and exciting anymore, there's nothing left.
That means, after the sexual desire will be gone, I realize there's also nothing else left (no deep conversation and understanding the other one's inner feelings/soul)

I've met a lot of different men but never found someone I could call my soulmate and at the same time desire.
But maybe that's a contradiction itself because in order to truly desire another person this person has to remain at least some kind of mystery (a soul mate is usually the "opposite" of a mystery).

So, to make it shorter: The final question would be:

When you don't find a person who can give you both:
Is it better to be with someone who fullfills you in a intimate/sexual way and to find your "soulmate" outside the relationship
or
to be with your soulmate (which has the chance to be a life-long relationship)
and get the excitement/great sex somewhere else ????:confused:

I know this is a provocative question and some of you might get defended by it, but I seriously asked myself this question for the last couple of years.

Finally I decided to choose the first "option". Not because I thought it's the better one but more because I couldn't live with the guilt of (constantly) cheeting on a person I love/respect and call my soulmate.

But now my soulmate broke contact with me. For the same reason the few other male soulmates I had broke contact:
The said they were deeply in love with me and it hurt them to much knowing that I'm (intimate) with another guy.

Well, that no hard to understand, but it's really sad. It seems like there is no solution at all.. :(

If you got any idea how I could solve this problem, I'd be more than happy to hear it!

Love,
K.

Mr. Right is right around the corner somewhere, you haven't met him yet.
So put your worries aside and go out into the world and be open to those you meet, somewhere, your twinn is waiting for you.

AH Ha, I like stimulation , all kinds , but I don't believe any one person could give it all to me. Too much of anything and I get bored but I tend to get impulsive and choose wrong. I obviously don't make the best decisions LOL -an understatement . I am just looking for a partner to share my optimism and enthusiasm and laugh all the way to the grave

By the same token, you cannot go into a relationship expecting to change someone. You have to accept them as they are at face value or you are setting yourself up for failure and or disappointment down the line.

By the same token, you cannot go into a relationship expecting to change someone. You have to accept them as they are at face value or you are setting yourself up for failure and or disappointment down the line.Ok I know I am about to turn this reply on its ear so please don't be angry Top Kat :o I do this type of thing...what if one or both of the people have ADHD and cannot be taken at face value because it is their basic nature to change all the time?

Tough concept, but I am willing to wrap my head around it for a while :).

well, in my opinion woman these days want everything. Like you said jellybean, "maybe one day I wont be so darn picky". I think everyone is picky, but what it comes down to is; what can or can't you tolerate... I have never been married, and I used to think I was to picky(mostly about physical looks). I wanted a woman to be a certain height(taller than 5"6), have a certain "walk", have a nice--"behind", shapley legs, etc.... As I have gotten older, I have cut down on a lot of my "prerequisets". I will even date someone under 5"5 now!! :) anyway, I do think that most woman would prefer a man to be funny, a good communicator, intelligent, etc...having money and being decent looking doesn't hurt either. It seems to me the more attractive the woman the more picky they seem to be, especially if they have a good career. I'm not saying its not okay to be picky, but in my opinion everyone has some faults and trying to find the person who you are totally attracted to, have good sex with, AND is super intellegent/articulant is hard combination to find. I know there are not very many single woman out there like this. I have dated a lot through the years, and I haven't found really any who fit this sort of perfect combination.

you have to be perfect to get perfect.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT MAN OR WOMAN OUT THERE!the perfect matches maybe?

get that out of your mind! if you think like this no one in the world is good enough!

the person who will have your mind, soul and heart is the person you can relate to and confide to in total confidence who you can tell your every desire. Like ying and yang you must compliment each other, there must be a balance in personality and sexual attraction!

NOT all the above list! beauty, intelligence can they juggle and ride a bike at the same time etc doesnt matter, he may have no arm, or might not be a walking encyclopedia but when you find that person you accept them totally as a human their flaws dissappear as soon as your judgement of them disappears.

this way you get to love and be loved,you'll find their intelligence,the interesting conversation, the fun loving god/goddess within them!

with this mind set alot of ppl have with the perfect person this cant happen!how else will you find the person who gratifies your every desire sexual and intellectual if you wont even let him in ???

as nova has said to me before you need 'patience, understanding and compassion!' from both people is what matters!

sorry for my such strong point of view if iv seemed rude it was un-intended!

~Maz

xXx

ahhhhhh! how embarrising i went off on my strong view point on a different subject matter, sorry my ADD got the better of me......but i still mean every word i said!

sexual or soul mate whats more important?

you've guessed it, the magic balance! they dont have to be the most sexual person in the world or the person who knows you inside out and relates to you 100% wheres the fun in finding out new things about the person if you already know them, because they are you (in a matter of speaking)

Here's my own expierience,

Everyone loves eye candy. Nothing wrong with oogling at a sexy guy (Btw, we're human lol) But when it comes to being romantically attracted to a guy this is what I find.

THat even if the guy isn't the sexiest man alive, if I get to know him and he is intellectually interesting, he will become sexy by virtue of being interesting. "Sexy" is a very fragile state of being. If someone paraded 10 "Hot" guys in front of me, yeah, That would be cool, but I won't remember them tomarrow. Sexy hot guys are a dime a dozen. It's the intellectual stimulating men that you will remember. "Hey he's the one who likes..." or "He had a good point about..." "I love what he said about...." and so on.

I call these men "Intellectual hotties"

ewe...I hate that word "Hottie". I need a shower now.

Now I have dated women who found me attractive [surprised?! I was :) ] but were put off my 'intellectual' side. She loved that I was able to figure her out asking just a few open ended questions but at the same time, it un-nerved her that I was always able to get to the root cause of what ever the topic was about. We would have an argument each time I something that had more than a word with more than 3 syllables in it. She hit the roof when I replied with the Latin phrase 'clean slate'.
Lets see, smart, good looking, great shape, love kids and pets, work well with disabled kids, work hard at a good job, love God,... but still can't find a date. Maybe it would help if I ever break away from the computer Or, maybe it is because I'm so screwed up. Everyone is trying to set me up but I just can't get into it anymore. Just the other day, someone wanted me to know if they could get the phone number of this attractive woman with a disabled daughter for me. Instead, I went the game where she was at [we were all watching my brother-in-law nephew play football - he was really good, scoring half of the touchdowns for the team!] I ended up spending a great deal of time showing her daughter my camera phone. She got a great kick out of seeing all of the different colors and her cute single mom was impressed that her daughter bonds with me so much. We would make a game of it, I would show her one of the pictures [think it was a blue drop of water that morphed into something else that was blue, then we would try to find something else that was blue. That way I could get interaction with her and know that even if it was in a simple way, she was interested in what I was showing her and interested in the attention] but talking to the lady didn't really happen - too much going on. Never did get her phone number.