My six year old was sexually assaulted by the neighbor yeaterday. In the neighbors car. A man we never see who everybody thinks is weird. He is our next door neighbor.

I found my son in the mans yard. He flies around like a bird and climbs everythind we can't keep him in the locked the 5 and a half foot hall gate.
The nanny was here at the time. I was here in the house as well. He was only gone five minutes.


I'm falling apart inside.

He did defend himself. He got away when he heard me calling. And he called out to me. And he told me what happened. But you know our kids have a funny way of saying stuff.

Me add inattentive
mediacted



Will people please tell me their stories. The 3 hour police interview was last night (me not he). The intensive child interview is today in 7 hours in our prefect.

I need to give it in french and I need to be calm for him. He can not see me cry. Is that your sense?. It makes him cry immediately. He needs to be clear about his responses.

The man lives right next dooor

It was five minutes.

help please I need someone to tell me where I look for the concentration and organization to to be clear.

My memory needs to work.

Monkeyche

Oh my Goodness Monkeyche..

I don't know what to say...I am sure someone will have some good stratagies to help you though...
hugs and all the best wishes for all of you..

I am so so sorry. I truly wish I had comforting words to share--something, anything to make this terrible thing not have happened at all.

I have a six-year-old son and a ten-year-old daughter and live with the fear of this type of thing always in the back of my mind. Here is what I can share with you, however.

About three years ago, my daughter was having thoughts in her head that were telling her to hurt herself. It was a living nightmare for me. I kept thinking that I had to be able to do what she needed, what was best for her. I was falling apart inside. Around her, I felt that I had to be so cautious of my words and actions. I was so scared that if she saw how much it was truly affecting me, she may think that she did something wrong or that it was her fault. I showed her my concern, my caring, and my unconditional love.

Somehow I managed. I'm not really sure how. But I did--I managed through all the meetings, through to taking her to the emergency room, through an ambulance ride, through placing her in an inpatient psychiatric facility, through working with those doctors, through finding outpatient therapy, through her Dx of ADHD.

I think I made it because I knew I had to--it all was too important and I gave myself no other choice. I stumbled in other areas--work, caring for myself, speaking to much of anyone. I would eat if food was put in front of me, otherwise I couldn't make the effort. I broke down several times, but always after I had made it through something I thought impossible, away from my daughter.

Monkeyche, you will be able to be there for your son. You will find the strength within yourself to focus, to concentrate, to remember and be clear--to do what your son needs for you to do. Can you write things down now that you want to remember for the next interview? Maybe use that to help you be more clear and focused?

Please, please take care of yourself, try to be gentle with yourself. You are going to need this strength for some time, I imagine. Find outlets where you are able to express all you're feeling inside.

I hope my story helps in some way. Though the issues are different, the pain is so real. My thoughts are with you and your son.

tristan

Thankyou. My printer is broken. I guess I have to write it with a pen.

Monkeyche

How do help him to tell his experience to the professionals.

Monkeyche

i'm not an expert, but I would think telling him it's okay, that telling the truth is important, and reassuring him he is loved unconditionally and did nothing wrong will be very helpful things.

hang in there, monkeyche. somehow, you will find the innerstrength you need to be whatever is necessary for him.

This is such a horrible, painful thing to have happened to all of you. I agree with ms sunshine, that the most important thing is to let him know he did nothing wrong and that you will stand beside him every second of the way. Have you a help-line in your area that could find an advocate for both of you?

Just keep taking one step at a time.

Kim

For some reason, I couldn't access the thread earlieror even find it in the General Parenting Issues forum. So I did send this as a PM as well

Anyway, how do you encourage him to be open with professionals?


I think you encouraging him to be open and letting him know that it's okay for him to talk to the professionals is a start.
Does he realize he's going to be asked to talk about it? If not, kind of walk him through what's going to happen.....going to talk to people, they'll ask questions, etc.--so that he's a bit prepared. However, you may just have to judge if doing this would cause more anxiety. I'm not sure.
Reassure him of your love for him no matter what has happened. If it comes up, let him know that nothing is his fault, he did nothing wrong and has nothing to be ashamed about.
Let him know that the people he's talking to are there to help him and you.

Again, you will be able to do this. You are your son's best advocate right now. You will find the words you need to get your son and yourself through this.

My thoughts are with you both. Take care and be gentle. I'm glad you are reaching out for support. I hope you have support where you're at as well.

tristan
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I'm so sorry this happened. I want you to know though that two of my professors at the university were specialist in treating sexually abused children and they taught us that the most damage doesn't come from the abuse itself, but from blaim and disbelief from the child's family. The fact that he fought back too will also make this easier for him to come to terms with. Just keep reassuring him that it was not his fault and that he did the right thing.

It is okay for him to see that you are sad and angry about what happened to him. It gives him permission to grieve what has happened to him with you rather than trying to hold it inside him. You may want to share the most profound parts of your grief with another adult, but as a grief counselor I found that kids did better when they saw that their parents also felt upset (but were still okay -- even though they might be sad or angry). It gives them a model that they can feel their feelings in a safe place. Trying to cover up the feelings makes everybody feel crazier.

Encourage safe outlets for children's strong feelings by having them draw pictures, exercise, kicking balls, hitting pillows, etc. can be a helpful and safe release. There are also good books for children who have experienced this. It is important to reassure him that he is safe now.

You're in my thoughts -- don't be to hard on yourself -- this isn't your fault. These kinds of folks are very difficult to thwart -- they build their whole lives around getting at children.

Take gentle care,
Scattered

It is okay for him to see that you are sad and angry about what happened to him. It gives him permission to grieve what has happened to him with you rather than trying to hold it inside him. You may want to share the most profound parts of your grief with another adult, but as a grief counselor I found that kids did better when they saw that their parents also felt upset (but were still okay -- even though they might be sad or angry).


This statement is so true. I really feel this type of grief and outrage needs to be experienced as a family unit.
Maybe carry a notebook and write everything down as you get to it. You can review and augment as more details come to light.
Reviewing what you've written is the key.
Do you have support, someone who can help you keep track of details or perhaps a voice recorder?

May this resolve itself quickly and completely!

I can't add anything that hasn't already been said, but wanted to say how deeply sorry I am that this happened to your son, and to you also. I can't even imagine the pain you are all going through.

Many thoughts, and healing prayers to you all.

I hope this man gets locked away for a very long time!

http://babelfish.altavista.com/translate.dyn
Cet emplacement a un traducteur en ligne libre de langue. J'ai écrit ceci dans l'engish et le AM le traduisant en Français de sorte que vous pourriez voir comment cela fonctionne. Je ne sais pas le français ainsi je ne peux pas l'évaluer.

First of all ...This is not your fault. And we all know it is not your son's.
Take notes and write down topics you want to be sure to mention to the athorities. If they do not allow you to use notes don't worry. They will ask you many questions and you just answer only what you know. It will come down to a little boy's word against a grown man's, since I gather there was no other witness. Before your son is interviewed I would tell the interviewer any names other than the official names your son may use for his genitals. As a child I was once asked by a police person if the man touched my Vagina. This was asked during questioning after I was involved in a similar incident as your son.

I had the feeling that even admitting that I thought I might have a vagina was a 'mortal' sin. I clammed up lest I get in even more trouble and said "I don't remember", "I don't know", to all further questions. I remember thinking that the Detective was gonna ask about my 'Vulva' and 'Labia', which I was confused about and thought sinful, and maybe even say the 'P' word next, if I told any more about what happened, so I shut up and said no more! (The next day at school everyone on the playground whispered that I was "Raked". Yes; "RAKED". It was catholic school and we were very uninformed for 8-9 year olds!)

Monkeyche...The fact that the perpetrator lives next door is frightening. I do hope that he has a previous record for sex abuse b/c a child's story is more apt to be taken seriously if the offender has a record.

Please let us know how you are coping.

Sincerely; Addeline

How are things going with your family M-C? I hope you are all doing OK..our thoughts are with you

I am not sure if the officer told you this but one thing you really need to have at this time is a child advocate. A child advocate will help defend your childs rights in all this because sometimes the police, the attorneys and the legal department all together can make things so much harder than they have to be. If you call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233), they can give you a local number to your domestic violence hotline. Yes this is not domestic violence but they also deal with sexual assualt and can get you in contact with your local child advocate absolutly free of charge. My best friend is a child advocate and she actually had to go through this herself with her son just last year and believe me, if it wasn't for the knowledge that she has as a child advocate the case would have been dismissed. I cannot express how important this is. He or she will also be able to help you get through this as well as provide your child with the counseling he needs right now. I wish you the best and I am so sorry.

My heart goes out to you, I'm not sure how I would react but violence comes to mind. Whether I would put it to action I'm not sure.....probably best we don't find out.

I'll keep you and your son in my prayers monkey... :( I can never understand why people do these sorts of things.

Sorry to hear your news.
Society and the Media wants us to be all afraid of the Stranger Danger.
However, most sexual assaulters (90%) of them are family and friends and acquaintances.

Some Sexual abusers have up to 200 victims (or more) in their "Careers."

Once his name gets PUBLISHED in the newspaper (please don't let the Courts hide his name!) -- I am almost 100% Positive that you will see OTHER VICTIMS come forward.

Also, is this man in the company of his Own Children? Grandchildren? Nieces, Nephews etc?

If so, or you can guess so, please (PLEASE!!) call your CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES.

Sex Offenders are Untreatable and ALMOST NEVER EVER STOP.

They molest children at the same age as when they were molested.

It is a stress-reduction behaviour (similar to addiction, in a sick sense) and they take out their anger and reduce their stress by molesting children.

It is not about sex; it is about anger and rage. (Really, they are just re-creating their own child abuse.) Sadly, climax is a strong re-inforcer for their behaviours. A behaviour rewarded is a behaviour repeated.

There are only two main treatments that seem to work: (a) empathy training, and (b) fantasy (stimulation) re-conditioning. Sadly, the MEDIA and such never really gets this MESSAGE out.

This is important too, as continuing to fantasize about this inappropriate fantasy is what keeps reinforcing it. (As we know, climax is one of the strongest reinforcers known to man; men are known to murder over losing their sexual partners, etc..)

So -- they need new "APPROPRIATE" material.

Much of how your child responds will be influenced by HOW ADULTS AROUND HIM REACT AND RESPOND. This means that "cognitive re-framing" will be a big tool for the Adults around him to Learn and Use. Also, it is important to see you be strong. (Children can "learn" anxiety and Shame by seeing how those around them respond.)

Hooking up with a good Pediatrician or Social Worker (MSW) with Trauma Training will help out a LOT. They can tell you what to expect. (eg. some kids regress developmentally; develop new trauma behaviours; etc, such as avoidance behaviours, anxiety, masturbating inappropriately, sleep disorders are common, over-trusting/under-trusting; aggression against other kids; acting out the abuse, etc. A trained therapist or support person can help Parents understand what is happening.)

n.b. My own background:
-I was fortunate to have studied Sex Offenders under a Leading Canadian Expert (W. Marshall). Those were some of the things I learned.
-My Mom also used to Co-Facilitate a Support Group for parent/child survivors of CSA (childhood sexual abuse), so i learned a lot from her. She was a mental health RN.

If you have any questions or need ideas, please feel free to PM me.

-Emma

I am just so sorry. This must be so hard for you. Many thoughts for you and your family. Be strong, you are doing wonderfully.

I can not relate to what you are going through from a parents point of veiw but as a former victom myself, i aplaud you for giving your son the support he needs right now. that initself will go very far in helping him in the future. I never told so i never had the support and really wish i did, so from one victom, i thank you.

Thankyou everybody. Um I just might pm somebody, like queens_ugirl .
Heres what I'm doing, . I like to juggle a and ny son and daughter like sticks climbing and balancing. My daughter is two.

1. As we have a very open yard visually. The whole to town can see my kids playing naked or otherwise in the yard all summer long. We live on a very busy road. Its a commuting road really and cars often stop in front of our house during traffic. So I do plan to fix this somehow. Wooden fences instead of cyclone. Something that curves in so they cant easily climb. Something to light up the exterior of the fence at night.

Also instead of discouraging my kids to play with large sticks (danger to hurt each other) Now I am buying toys that are sticklike. Juggling batons. Water launchers. all foam padded but I think as ~I read that a predator is much less likely to attack a kid with astick (or adult). I am also doing the hat thing. My kids are also very sound sensitive. Hats might help with that too. My son says he feels ambushed at times. I am also looking into headphones . any suggestions 3.

maybe a sound making device. Doesn't have to be loud just something we will hear if he pushes it.

any other ideas~?

any other ideas? the guy lives right next door and this is france there is no child protective services that I know of just the cops. Noway to stop him unless he is convicted. There are no laws like if accused the neighbors know but I havr told every neighbor around with kids. He's has no grandkids (that I know of but my other neighbor does.

As he is from TURKEY he could disappear at any time. And he is trying to sell his house. There are at least three people living ther. But many more who come and go. I never noticed. Now I noticed.

International predators are a real problem. And we live on the border.


What does any body know about rings of predators and where is a website I could check on this.

No more rayman pigtails for my daughter.

What about scarecrows or security cameras? I know you think I am overreacting but you would have to understand the 4850ft farm house we renovated here in france /border switzerland. You would have to see that there are old walls and out buildings that block our view of everything. Yet 3quartersa of the hose are visually open to the street. You would have to understand that we felt safe in our enclosure locked by key.

The problem is now they climb.


My son wants to change the man.
Mais bon. Thanks. I relaunch.

Lots of questions.


Monk

I"m sure France must have some kind of child protection services...

What about scarecrows or security cameras? I know you think I am overreacting...........
I am sure absolutely no one feels you're overreacting. Coming up with as many ideas as you can in order to protect your children isn't overreacting. You have every right to to feel what you do and to do what you need to do to protect your children.

...........but you would have to understand the 4850ft farm house we renovated here in france /border switzerland. You would have to see that there are old walls and out buildings that block our view of everything. Yet 3quartersa of the hose are visually open to the street. You would have to understand that we felt safe in our enclosure locked by key.
It must be so hard to feel vulnerable in your own home. All of your ideas sound good. Have you thought about lights for the outside of the house that have motion sensors? So they would light up automatically when it detects any movement.

I'm not sure what else at the moment. I will reply if any more ideas come to me.
Take care and be gentle,
tristan

Boots,

Hope this isn't coming too late, but I just joined the forum. My ex assaulted my then-12-year-old (his stepson). I was a horrific time in our family, but in an odd way, it has strengthened the relationship I have with my son (though I'd much rather it have not happened at all).

When my son was evaluated by a doctor specializing in child sexual abuse, he asked what my greatest fear was. I told him that my son would be so scarred that he grew up to be a predator. He informed me that while most predators were abused as children, most children who are abused do not grow up to be predators. He went on to reassure me that children 1) who tell about the abuse, 2) who are believed when they tell and 3) who get professional help, stand VERY good chances of healing emotionally from the abuse and are likely not to continue the cycle of abuse.

Also, I know the feeling of crying all the time and trying (very hard) to hold it together for your child. It has been almost 4 years since this happened to our family, and I can tell you that it does get easier with time.

I will keep your family in my prayers and encourage you to get professional help for both your son and yourself. As others have said, this is not your fault, nor your child's, and it's doesn't have to define your family.

Take good care,
Diane

Thankyou everybody for your words. And it is getting better with time already. Mt son is processing and starting to show things he he wasn't showing before. We started him on ritalin just a week after this happened. It was already planned, but for later in the summer before school restarted.

A question: Do you think the meds as they are allowing him to focus more might make him think more about this? My sense is no as my own experience is that the meds break the thought loop.

I also saw some info on spectrum kids associating sounds stimuli etc with traumatic events and it is more difficult for them to disassociate. I'm starting to see new/ and or intensified aversion behavior in my son. Does he just abolutely need to talk to somebody now? other than me that is? It takes him a long time to warm up to people.

Getting very different advice. Last woman says: you've talked alot, maybe its time for a break. (she's on vacation anyway) as is the rest of france.

Maybe more books?

I can see when he's thinking about it. He just ponders for long moments or obsesses on books like JUST A BAD DREAM by mercer mayer. Or JUST A BULLY. How do I help him with his fears? Any good websites? I am having alot of trouble finding one. They seem to mostly be about adult disclosure victims and not so much what a parent can do NOW to help a child

Jr. is 6yo ADD innatentive
Diagnosed @ 6yo ritalin 3 mg 2x per day.

Me ADD innatentive
dx @20 yo ritalin 10mg 5 x per day


Thanks again everyone

Boots

Is there a physical activity you can get him involved?

I think it can be talked to death - kind of like rubbing an open sore. They do need to know that when they feel like talking that you will listen and perhaps you can just remind him of that.

I wish I could write more because I know too much on this subject but I just can't.

Do write things down because the stress will cause you to forget things and monitor yourself for depression.

Most of all trust your instincts. Ask for advice, seek professionals but if at any moment something in you tells you that something isn't right then listen to yourself.
Professionals do not know everything. They are just people with their own issues in life.
I think you have good instincts. Don't let anyone tell you that something is best for your child if it doesn't feel right to you. Ask lots of questions of everyone and don't let anyone intimidate you .

Hello,

I was just wondering, do they have art therapy in France? Art therapy is really helpful for people who have suffered traumatic experiances. It is extremely helpful for children who have gone through such things. What happens is a person is guided through expressing themselves and their feelings through art, like drawing, painting, or sculpture. I have heard many positive things about this style of therapy. I was thinking if your son doesn't seem ready to talk about it with people, maybe this would help him get some of his emotion out.

Chele

I am so sorry,I really do not know what to say.When I read this it broke my heart,I read it and was so bothered i had to come back to write.

Is this guy locked up in jail?I just do not get how these sick people are walking the streets after doing such a thing.How is your son doing if you do not mind me asking?How are you?Please keep us posted and know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your loved ones.


Sandra

we are still thinking of you Boots
hugs
xxxxx

Boots,

I have been thinking about you and your son, you are still in my prayers. I was just wondering if you could give us an update.
hugs, Chele

Hi Boots only just saw your post, I feel for you and your family, my thoughts and prayers are with you all. x

I can not stop thinking about you and your son.You are both in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi,

I'm very very sorry this happened to your son. From my own experience, I think you already avoided the most harmful things.

- you believed him
- you are sad and enraged... he'll know he matters to you
- you are reporting the crime
- you try to protect him against further attacks

I always suffered because there was no place to really speak about my feelings and have room for them. All the confusing feelings that might be frightening strong need to be expressed and not to be belittled... Both for you and your son.

I wish you the very best, and I hope your son, your family and you will find a way to deal with this horrible experience.