redletterruth
03-12-03, 11:15 PM
I was diagnosed bipolar at age 24 during a hospital stay. There is still some of the shame hitting me about being hospitalized. I sort of took it in stride. It took a good 6 months to a year to recover from my first really out-there manic episode, and the ensuing depression. I took lithium for about a year, went to a psychiatrist who asked how i was sleeping and eating and wrote me a new script. After the first year I thought Forget this noise and I went off lithium (by myself, smart girl) until my next major episode in 1989. I'm not quite sure how this works. I'm a rapid cycler- even in one day (unmedicated) I can move from manic to depressed, but the big episodes are 10 years apart. In 79 and 89 it was fullblown mania, in 99 it was snot blowing depression.
Anyway, after 1989 I figured it I didnt want leather restraints anymore (I just dont look good in leather), I would stick to the meds. The hospital in 89 was a horror, but at least it made me take responsibility for my medicine. I still didnt learn much about bipolar. It was something maybe I though would go away if I ignored it long enough. So I just took the meds and made it a day at a time.
In 92 or 93 I made another smart move- I asked my primary care physician to write me scripts for the lithium because I hated the stigma of going to the psychiatrist and the ridiculousness of telling a perfect stranger my sleeping habits. So an internist checked my blood levels and wrote my script every 6 months. (Don't anyone out there EVER do something as foolish as having a PCP write psych meds for them.)
I figured as long as I took my little pink pill everything would be ok. And it was, for a long time. I was successful at work, I had friends. And then in 99 I broke up with the guy i was planning on marrying. I slid, and I crashed. No mania this time. Just depression. I kept going to my MD, and I also picked up a counselor. I don't recall if the counselor ever suggested my meds weren't working. I know the MD was not so enlightened.
For three years, I suffered terribly, and dragged my son down with me. I was an accounting manager, then a salesperson, then a courier. In November of last year I went off the lithium, after being told by my therapist that he didnt think I was bipolar. I couldn't handle the courier job. So I finally gave up and went on disability.
One of the things about being bipolar for me is that I tend to attribute EVERYTHING to being about being bipolar. I am not Claudia, I am just this butterfly stickpinned to an insect case. I am smart and paradoxical because I am bipolar. I am angry or rageful or depressed because I am bipolar. I think on several levels at once because I am bipolar. And I don't know how much of that is true. I know that I am more than my disorder, but how much more has not been made clear.
Oh, I did stop having an MD prescribe psych meds for me. I had 9 psych evals in 4 months when I applied for disability, and I finally found a good psychiatrist that I like and trust. I'm off the lithium and on risperdal, tegretol, and paxil. It works most days. And I'm still trying to see past my disorder. I am learning to work WITH my psychiatrist, and tell her what;s going on an a day to day basis rather than just telling her how I feel on appointment day. I chart my sleep, I take notes on moods, I'm a part of my recovery. It feels better. It feels a lot better.
Anyway, after 1989 I figured it I didnt want leather restraints anymore (I just dont look good in leather), I would stick to the meds. The hospital in 89 was a horror, but at least it made me take responsibility for my medicine. I still didnt learn much about bipolar. It was something maybe I though would go away if I ignored it long enough. So I just took the meds and made it a day at a time.
In 92 or 93 I made another smart move- I asked my primary care physician to write me scripts for the lithium because I hated the stigma of going to the psychiatrist and the ridiculousness of telling a perfect stranger my sleeping habits. So an internist checked my blood levels and wrote my script every 6 months. (Don't anyone out there EVER do something as foolish as having a PCP write psych meds for them.)
I figured as long as I took my little pink pill everything would be ok. And it was, for a long time. I was successful at work, I had friends. And then in 99 I broke up with the guy i was planning on marrying. I slid, and I crashed. No mania this time. Just depression. I kept going to my MD, and I also picked up a counselor. I don't recall if the counselor ever suggested my meds weren't working. I know the MD was not so enlightened.
For three years, I suffered terribly, and dragged my son down with me. I was an accounting manager, then a salesperson, then a courier. In November of last year I went off the lithium, after being told by my therapist that he didnt think I was bipolar. I couldn't handle the courier job. So I finally gave up and went on disability.
One of the things about being bipolar for me is that I tend to attribute EVERYTHING to being about being bipolar. I am not Claudia, I am just this butterfly stickpinned to an insect case. I am smart and paradoxical because I am bipolar. I am angry or rageful or depressed because I am bipolar. I think on several levels at once because I am bipolar. And I don't know how much of that is true. I know that I am more than my disorder, but how much more has not been made clear.
Oh, I did stop having an MD prescribe psych meds for me. I had 9 psych evals in 4 months when I applied for disability, and I finally found a good psychiatrist that I like and trust. I'm off the lithium and on risperdal, tegretol, and paxil. It works most days. And I'm still trying to see past my disorder. I am learning to work WITH my psychiatrist, and tell her what;s going on an a day to day basis rather than just telling her how I feel on appointment day. I chart my sleep, I take notes on moods, I'm a part of my recovery. It feels better. It feels a lot better.