Im lost, im frustrated, im angry, im tired, im lonely... IM GOING CRAZY!!

I don't know what to do anymore.

As you some of you know, my boyfriend has ADD. And i feel like he just doesnt "get it" - For the past 5 months or so, i feel like we have been going in circles. I tell him over and over how i feel and what i need. Im not a needy person, but i obviously need things from my boyfriend.

I tell him that "Actions speak louder than words" i need to SEE improvement in our relationship. He tells me he is trying, and for the 1st couple months, i believed him. But i didnt SEE any of this "effort" - so i tell him, i need to see more effort on your part. Its a vicous cycle. I dont know how to make him GET IT....

I have tried and have had more than enough patiences, but i can't just be a door matt. I cannot sit here and try - when i feel he is not.

Intimacy is nonexsistant. Which makes things HARD for me, because i take it way to personally.

I need some feedback. I dont know how to explain to him, so he will understand, that i need more effort on his part. I need the small things in the relationship, i need to feel cared about.

There are so many times when i just want to pack up my things and go, because i feel so neglected, so unwanted, unimportant and not cared about.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so much pain.

Have there been any improvements or changes on his part at all? Even minor?
Have you thought about relationship therapy for the two of you?

Okay, I don't like talking about this much........... Here goes and maybe it will help.

I know that I and was a huge source in the problems I used to have with my bf. I was selfish and was unable to listen to my bf's needs and wants. Everything he said sounded negative to my ears no matter what he said. All I heard was criticism when all he was trying to say was that he didn't feel like I loved him anymore. The intimacy was gone because of my imagined feelings of pressure and intolerance. We almost got to the point where we hated each other. We had become evil versions of who we truly were. We knew we needed help or it would end.

Eventually, we ended up doing relationship therapy and it is working wonders. I am now more able to understand him and he is starting to understand me and become more tolerant of my flaws (of course I am trying to fix those flaws). I try to listen to his wants and needs without assuming that he is criticizing me. We try to notice each and every way we are both improving and adapting towards the other person and really try to pay attention to each others' needs. I am not saying that all of this is easy. It isn't. This is after about a month or so of therapy and there are still some fights that occur, but we are determined to make it work out.. with a little help.

I can honestly say that I love him now more than I have ever loved him before. He says he feels the same about me--even though I have ADD and other various problems.

Hi nonadder,

sorry to hear you feeling so frustrated right now!:(

by any chance did you let him know the specific behaviours you'd like to see more of, or need changed, which might help him focus on getting you what you need.

Perhaps pick a couple of super important things, not too overwhelming.

I'm sure that from your bf believes he IS trying, but it may not be obvious to you, or perhaps he hasn't changed the behaviour you find most important.

Just do remember that he is how he is unless he does something really different, like start or stop taking meds, he will likely always have some of these same recurring issues.

You can still have an exciting and satisfying relationship with your bf, but I think you have to work more to his strengths.

One thing to bring couples together can be mutual activities or hobbies, maybe this is something to explore also. :)

crime scene

I am new to this problem and am still waiting for my fiancee to see someone to see of she has it.Does your boyfrind take medication or do any cognitive therapy.I am not sure but can these things help him become more emtionally understanding.I have done relationship stuff but found that it didnt work becauses she just doesnt get it.

LNP AN COGNITVSTE BEHAVEY THERAPY WITH HYPNOTCE...<<<;.))))....I HARD MEANY PEPOLE HAVE BEEN HELPED BY IT DORM

Thanks for all the feedback. Now to answer the questions:

Have there been any improvements or changes on his part at all? Even minor?

Most definitley! He has improved in various areas. He can concentrate and focus more than he ever could. He can hold a conversation and actually provide feedback.

Have you thought about relationship therapy for the two of you?
Thought about it? Yes. But i dont think that's something either of us are ready for. When i think therapy, i think serious issues. My BF has issues, like anyone would, but i dont think those issues require therapy.

crime_scene;
It's true. He does believe he is trying..because in his mind, he is trying. I know this, but i still need to see actions of improvement. Not the same nonsence over and over again, followed up with an apology, then the same things happen over & over again! I just NEVER understand. I am running out of patiences. I also agree, the areas i feel are important, are the areas that LACK the most improvement! Maybe i should steer my areas of improvement. Maybe i should just be happy he is improving at all. Its hard. I feel like i give give give... and i just want a little MORE give on his part.


Kabbas;
My BF was taking Wellbutrin, but has decided to stop taking them now. Which i know why, i dont agree with it, but its in his hands entirely. Im not his mother, i will not harp him for not wanting to take them. The side effects were terrible; hes improved from taking them, but other things changed as well. Thats where the LACK of intimacy comes to play. :faint:

dormammau2008;
I have no idea what you meant....
LNP AN COGNITVSTE BEHAVEY THERAPY WITH HYPNOTCE...<<<;.))))....I HARD MEANY PEPOLE HAVE BEEN HELPED BY IT DORM

Have you thought about relationship therapy for the two of you?
Thought about it? Yes. But i dont think that's something either of us are ready for. When i think therapy, i think serious issues. My BF has issues, like anyone would, but i dont think those issues require therapy.

You stated this in your first post:

There are so many times when i just want to pack up my things and go, because i feel so neglected, so unwanted, unimportant and not cared about.
See, to me this sounds serious. If you really feel like packing up and going then there is a giant red flag... you should also never feel neglected, so unwanted, and not cared about. Maybe you were writing this right after a big fight and now feel differently. I don't know....

The things you listed are what brought me and my boyfriend to therapy... We know we want to have a future together, but just needed some extra help.

Of course it is up to you what you want to do... I was only suggesting this because this is working for me and my boyfriend. We wanted to do therapy so that we could grow closer together and learn new tools on how to handle future issues and not have either one of us feeling neglected, unwanted or the need to pack up and leave, etc...

I gotta agree with Sara in this...breakdown in communication between partners of any type is a serious issue. In fact my DH and I have therapy in mind, but are stifled presently by his work schedule (he's a trucker).

BOTH of us are "going crazy" here, for the record. I wonder if he feels similarly "crazy"?

I thought I was going crazy once.... Turned out it was just gas... Oh, that and I actually AM crazy as it turns out. Go figure.

In situations like yours counseling can be amazingly effective because it gets a "Neutral" party involved and that person can "referree" until good communications techniques are re-established.

Some techniques like using "I" statements can reduce the tension often inherent in addressing some issues. For example if you had originally said "Why couldn't you just take out the stupid trash?! I swear you do that to irritate me!" You can see that's a fairly aggressive tack and very accusatory. Instead you could say, "I know you didn't think it was a big deal, but when stuff gets overlooked I feel like my efforts are also being overlooked". This communicates to them that there is a reason for you feeling bad about it, what it is, and does so without finger pointing or other hostile seeming phrasing.

This techniques don't work for everyone (my ex's tack on this particular approach was to parrot me " oh, "I FEE" huh? It's always about you isn't it?!" Sometimes you can't win for losing. LMAO!

First take some time to calm down and approach your options in that frame of mind. Very little communication happens well between angry people.

Oh one last disclaimer.... I try to give good advice, but keep in mind I've been divorced twice. I'm better at the "What not to do" advice. :-)

What not to do is still important info though...;) :)

Get a puppy , a Jack Russel puppy :D

Get a puppy , a Jack Russel puppy :D
Lol your not just ridiculous.. your recoculous! :eek: :D :D

Have you thought about relationship therapy for the two of you?
Thought about it? Yes. But i dont think that's something either of us are ready for. When i think therapy, i think serious issues. My BF has issues, like anyone would, but i dont think those issues require therapy.



If you're thinking about packing your bags and leaving the relationship - that's pretty serious in my book. This isn't just about HIS issues, it's about how you deal with each other and work things out.

And just to put it in perspective... having poor eyesight and needing to be seen by an opthamologist may not be a "serious issue" like finding a lump and needing to see an oncologist, but in both cases you would benefit by seeing the right doctor, eh?

me two E BOY been devoced 2 as well iam not cary the world is dorm

That's so true, just give him one thing at a time, and don't be afraid of reminding him, but try and do it gently coz I think encouragment will be more likely to achieve the end result.
What I wrote before feels a bit crass just now, but it was a book about venus and mars which made me think of it. Sorry, but good luck :D

I understand everyones points about this being a serious issue. I guess i understand now, that it is. More so than ever.

I feel like my whole life is on pause while i wait for my bf to figure out what is going on. Im so confused on how i feel, because im so sad. We have not been intimate together in over a month. Why? He is unsure, he doesnt know why. And then i feel like its ME. Like hes just bored with me. Of course, me being human, i am going to get upset.

He wants to go to the doctor, and my boyfriend is very open to the therapy idea. Which is excellent! But...... Im just so darn sad! :(

Don't be sad.

You are making some real progress. Your boyfriend is lucky to have someone like you who cares enough to go the distance.

One property that ADDer have that other people do not have is a tendency to live in the "now". Yesterday and tomorrow are fuzzy concepts to an ADDer. What that means in real terms is that if he says he loves you yesterday, you can bet he still means it today. He may not say it, but in his mind it has already been said. It also means that plans are subject to change on the spur of the moment. Get used to it, it is just a matter of style, really. Besides that, being spontaneous is fun... you never know what you will find or what you are going to do next. :D

On the subject of intamacy. It is a big problem for a lot of ADDers... we are so easily distracted and our scattered style can really blow the moment in grand style if our partner is not used to our eccentric ways. Sometimes we just forget (we forget things a lot). Our tendency to have problems with saying the wrong thing (impulsivity), or not understanding what is said (distracted), are huge issues that can be worked around, but will never go away. It takes patience, and you both need to spend a little extra time clarifying things with each other to avoid issues.. :p

Medications can have some bizzarre side sexual effects, and in some cases can be permanent... some increase lebido... some decrease it, some meds cause sexual dysfunction, others do not. The two of you are going to have to sit down and figure this stuff out. In many cases a different suite of meds can alleviate these problems.

Nothing in the world is going to make his ADHD go away. Meds will help, but mostly you have to devise strategies to work around it or overcome it. :)

Also, many adders have anxiety, and stressful situations can have the effect of making them more scattered, more hyperactive, or way too overfocused, and they are not well nor happy in that situation. An ADDer under this kind of stress for very long is probably in "survival mode" and is not going to be very interested in intamcy. If the anxiety is unchecked for a long period of time, you might start seeing other problems emerge (anxiety attacks, OCD, etc). (Note: I'm describing myself, but I see this in a lot of other ADDErs too, so I'm sharing this). If this is the situation with your boyfriend, he might need to have his medications reevaluated, he may need to make some environmental changes, and some therapy might help with the anxiety issues. :eek: :faint:


Me :D

I understand everyones points about this being a serious issue. I guess i understand now, that it is. More so than ever.

I feel like my whole life is on pause while i wait for my bf to figure out what is going on. Im so confused on how i feel, because im so sad. We have not been intimate together in over a month. Why? He is unsure, he doesnt know why. And then i feel like its ME. Like hes just bored with me. Of course, me being human, i am going to get upset.

He wants to go to the doctor, and my boyfriend is very open to the therapy idea. Which is excellent! But...... Im just so darn sad! :(

I understand everyones points about this being a serious issue. I guess i understand now, that it is. More so than ever.

He wants to go to the doctor, and my boyfriend is very open to the therapy idea. Which is excellent! But...... Im just so darn sad! :(
I understand the sadness. I too felt that way when my boyfriend and I first started therapy together. I felt like I had lost the relationship.... To get myself to go I told myself that it is like we are going to school to learn how to be a strong couple. Honestly, not all relationships flow easily ... sometimes you just need a little direction.

Be thankful that he is even willing to go. This is proof of his love for you and his dedication to working things out.

Start the therapy and give yourselves some time... because change doesn't happen overnight. Take things one day at a time and try to notice the little things happening around you that are good.

It took me and my boyfriend a little over a month to really start to see the difference. Now it is so much stronger. Things we used to fight endlessly about get resolved within minutes. He has learned how to deal with my ADD moments and I have learned how to be more respectful of his wishes and needs.

Good luck :)

The side effects were terrible; hes improved from taking them, but other things changed as well. Thats where the LACK of intimacy comes to play. :faint:
What do you mean has he become less intimate ?