Hi, I have lurked on these boards for many months, but this is one of my first serious posts.. I am posting now because even though I "thought" I was on the right track, now I wonder if I truly am...

To provide a little background, my family at one time was very supportive but after my initial diagnosis and several months on meds they refocused back on their own issues and assumed any difficulties I was having was due to me not trying hard enough or that I needed to "up my meds"...

So, after dealing with the shock of the "withdrawel" of my family support, I really regressed into not such a good place... Luckily I have two very good friends (they are a married couple with children) and they refused to let me shut down completely... I have pretty much lived on my own as an adult, and I had two dogs who were totally my support system.. A couple of years ago, I managed to pick myself up, buy a new car, find a great new job and find a great new house.. All on my own... It was such a great feeling of accomplishment, although I still suffered from the down side and co-morbid affects of my ADD...

Sadly, the company I was working for went out of business, and at the same time my landlord died leaving the property to her heirs who terminated my tenancy.. I found a temporary rental, but internally I started to breakdown because to me it seemed all that I worked for was lost...

Ultimately, my friends decided (and I agreeded) that I needed to be in a more "home" like situation... During this time I had also suffered several personal problems that severly affected me... One of my dogs who had been my constant companion for over 11 years developed a debilitating disease and I had to make the hard decision to put him to sleep... At the same time this was going on I suffered an injury, a broken finger to be exact, which proved to be more disabling than you would think a broken finger would be... In addition, at the time, I was responsible for my ailing grandmother's care which of course took a toll..

So, lets fast forward... After the death of my dog, me and my other dog were invited to move into my friends house.. It was a win-win situation for all since I had already been spending a considerable amount of time helping them out with household chores and the like... It gave me a sense of family, and it helped them not feel so overwhelmed...

Now of course there is a problem... Three weeks after moving in and I was finally getting a new focus, my father had a major heart attack.. He is fine now, but it threw me off balance again as these things do..

Subsequent to that, one of my friends children has developed severe anxiety and specific phobia issues... We had always suspected early on that she had some issues that eventually would need to be dealt with... Now, one of her "fears" is of dogs.. Regardless of the fact that she has never had a bad experience and grew up with dogs in the family.. She definitely has a generalized anxiety problem as she has been sent home from school because she is afraid there may be a fire alarm, she is afraid to go out at dusk because of lightning bugs, and refused to sleep in her room until the smoke alarm was removed, etc.. So, it really isn't just the "dog', there is more to it..

Her parents are going to seek professional counseling for her, but in the interim we are all very concerned that my being in the house with the dog is taking away her "safe haven"... We continually separate her from the dog, who is by the way very child friendly, but it is causing a great deal of stress as you can imagine.. If she hears a dog bark down the street she locks herself in her room...

Another issue is that when she has friends over, they often choose to play with the dog as does her sister so she feels isolated.. We do our best to give her "her own time" so she can feel included but it does not seem to be working...

My friends have recently come to the conclusion that they need to do whats best for their daughter and giver her back her sense of safety at home, but they also are concerned for me... So they have said very emphatically that we need to find out the best solution for all, and they are not going to push me aside but they do need to think of their child.. They are very concerned about me going on my own again because of my tendency to deteriorate when alone...

So, my question is this... Has anyone ever been in this situation, and what advice can they offer? Or, can anyone offer any advice for me to maybe be back on my own but still stay connected?

Please feel free to ask any questions to help fill in the blanks since I am sure that I have not covered all aspects of this situation...

Thanks in advance for any help! :)

Lollygaggin,

You took a few bad hits. Losing a job isn't easy for anyone. Very traumatic.

With respect and with understanding of what ADHD does to us, you need to learn how to stand on your own two feet. ADHD prevents us from maturing at the same rate as the normals. When life throws us a wicked curve, it is much more difficult to adjust.

You need support, for sure. Is there a CHADD support group in your area? Certainly lean on members of this board. We've been there, done that, and still doing it.

Bob

IS there any way your dog could stay with someone while the child gets therapy? Hopefully it will be successful and then you can all try to re-introduce the dog back into the home?

I'm sure the doctor would say the
dog being there is a good thing. You
have to face a fear for it to reduce.
I have phobic anxiety so I understand. Overily protective parents can make problem with fear
worst. I'm sure your friends do not
want to here that. I do not have
any addvice other than you and your dog are not the problem.

Overily protective parents can make problem with fear
worst. I'm sure your friends do not
want to here that. I do not have
any addvice other than you and your dog are not the problem.


I have a different opinion, but "an opinion" is all that it is - as they say, "we all have one."

Anyway, Lollygaggin, first off I would like to welcome you here and hope that you stick around awhile. I have found that it took me awhile to feel apart of this board, but it has been worth sticking around for.

I am a single mother or 2. So my take on your situation is definitely influenced by MY LIFE'S EXPERIENCE, that's for sure. I'm just thinking that although your friends love you very much, my opinion is that you should either find another place for your dog and/or another place for you to be with your dog.

In my personal experience, what other people think about my parenting really doesn't matter a whole lot to me when *I* am convinced of what is the best way to parent my child. So - non-parents of a child may say I'm being overprotective or underprotective, but it's really not their ultimate PLACE to decide how to parent my child. However - as a PARENT - my FIRST PRIORITY will ALWAYS BE MY CHILDREN!!!

So as a "good friend" - I would suggest that you at least OFFER to remove your dog or both you and your dog. I mean it IS you friends' and their children's home. You were invited there as a kindness. You see??

Please know that I really DO hope something other than what I've suggested works out. I do NOT want to hurt you or kick you while you are down. I'm just stating that eventually we really DO HAVE TO be grown ups and try to stand on our own two feet. You said that before you actually LIVED with those folks that you were there every day anyway!! So you could still see them, right???

I personally believe that LIVING IN SOMEONE'S HOME is ABOVE AND BEYOND what is normal courtesy, and a person shouldn't start really acting as if they OWN THE HOME too. (Unless you're paying a large portion of the bills, but even THEN . . . . I still feel that their extension of their home was an overly generous and charitable act and that you'd be best MAYBE to at least offer to leave or remove your dog . . . . )

With all tenderness and respect,
Sue

I'm sure she is trying to think of
away to get herself and her dog out
of there. She is there as a last resort.
If she knew away she would do it.
To tell her to get out is no use to
her.

I agree with Sue but then again, I am also a single mom with 2 kids and another on the way. No matter how much I care about someone, my kids come first and if something in their home scares them then that something must be removed right away. That is not being over protective that is being a parent. I agree that the little girl must deal with her fears but I also think you need to deal with yours as well. She is a little girl and it is our job as parents to make sure our children have a safe place to come home to. She can deal with her fears outside her home.

It is hard to in this world for us when things happen to throw us off balance but the fact is that unless you keep trying to make life livable on your own, you will always be stuck in this situation.

It is so much less stressful when you know you can depend on someone else but so much more rewarding when you struggle to depend on yourself. I have been through what your going through and tried living with others out of fear of failure on my own. My friends may not have been as nice as yours but eventually I lost those friends because my unwillingness to be a grown up and face life as it was given to me,,, took its tole on my friends. With the exception of a year that I spent living in a domestic violence shelter, I have lived on my own for the past 4 almost 5 years with children.

Every month I am scared to death this will be the month I can't pay my rent or lights or water. I get so scared that I will fail that I will shut down for a short time. I will crawl in my bed and shut the world out and daydream of a better time where there is no stress or if there is stress it is stress i control. I usually pull myself out of that as quickly as possible but there has been times where I didn't and well, things got worse but you still have to get up and keep going.

I am not saying any of this to hurt your feelings or anything but the fact is, no matter if we have ADHD or not, we have to grow up and be responsible. Not saying your house must be clean at all times or that your bills will always be paid on time because unfortuantly, I know for me, that is very difficult to manage, but I am saying that unless you are completely disabled, you are very capable of having your own place and job without falling apart. You just have to keep trying is all because we do not always succeed but we never will if we do not keep trying.

I vote: Get someone to look after the dog for awhile out of respect for the parents who so kindly offered you a place to live. I have a dog so I understand the love for a dear pet. Your dog will not forget you, especially if you visit now and then. Additionally, although the child needs to face her fear of dogs, it should be under the supervision of her parents and her therapist. Facing the dog head-on may be too much stress for her at this time.

Very sorry for your unfortunate events and hope all works out for you....

Geez, I wrote a long post and just lost it, so here is the short of it.

lolligaggin, try checking out CHADD as someone else here suggested to see if there are any support groups in your area. You will meet others who are going through difficulties and then you won't feel so alone. It sounds like there have been some rough patches in your life, but also some good ones too. Focus on those and draw from the energy they create.

Some questions:

Has the daughter had problems in the past with change? It could be as simple as she might have difficulty adjusting to change and needs some time feel comfortable. Adjusting to change can be difficult for little ones and it can produce anxiety...my youngest daughter had this problem. Once she got comfortable though everything was fine. It has only been a three weeks right?

However, if it comes down to them making a choice between you and their daughter, do they know of anyone who has room for you until things get sorted out? Like, maybe a professional couple with no children who could use an extra hand around the house with cooking and cleaning in exchange for room and board? I would hate to see you give up your dog because it sounds like such a source of comfort for you. There has to be an option that includes your dog.

Have you ever considered looking in the classified ads for people that are seeking to have a live-in to help out around the house with cooking and cleaning in exchange for place to stay with meals or pay? A lot of homes in upscale neighborhoods have separate living quarters for live-ins, which means you could have your own space. And, your friends sound like great people so they could provide you with a great reference. It could be a win win situation for all. These are just a few things to consider.

Or, are you a member of a church group? I am not saying that you need to turn to religion or anything, but they are usually pretty good at helping people in need find temporary situations until they are able to get back on thier feet. If you are a member of a church group it is another resource to reach out to for assistance. And, don't worry, you will get back on your feet! You've done it before, so it will happen again!

Again, your friends sound like great people and if you all put your heart and heads together an answer will come. I wish you the best of luck in this very trying time. Keep your chin up...you will find an answer!

Thanks for all the great advice, I do agree with most of what has been said.. I am forever grateful to my friends for all the support they have given me over the years... This was supposed to be a temporary situation to help get back on track, and no one forsaw the current issue... This situation initially was actually my friends idea and suggestion, which I thought too might be beneficial to all. My therapist had also strongly recommended that it might be better for me not to jump back into living alone, and to rebuild in stages.. But, unfortunately I may have to.. Living alone, I have a tendency to cocoon even when most things are going smoothly, I do suffer from depression and anxiety in addition to the ADD..

Another reason I would like to live with someone, is that my doctor would like to try different meds to see if i am indeed on whats best for me... I am very scared to do this if i am living alone.. Paranoid maybe, but that is another problem I have at times ;)...

But, I appreciate the kind words and replies... I do realize that I will probably have to climb the hill yet again :)... I guess maybe i am just venting because I really do hate being a burden, and my whole life I have always felt that I was just in the way.. I know this is not really the situation right now, but a lifetime of emotional reactions are hard to stop.. So, as you imagine my depression is not exactly at its best right now... For a couple years I have become numb to the hope of ever really being happy, its not so bad if maybe just getting a little inner peace someday...

The dog going anywhere without me is simply not even remotely an option... She is my child, and to be honest most times she is the ONLY reason I do continue to try and get it together... My living alone again is not a financial issue, its a mental one. And it horrifies me at this stage.. Does that make sense?

There used to be a monthly CHADD group near me, but I don't think they meet any longer as I cannot find the meeting listed.. The next closest group is off for the summer... I would love to find a group though, it definitely did help when I attended a couple years ago...

At any rate, its nice to meet you all!

Lollygaggin, I wish you the best..maybe you coudl do a google for a closer meeting..keep strong..
have a browse, we are a great bunch..and have lots of great ideas that may help point you in the right direction :-)
Maybe you could share a house with someone else? sister, family member etc until you are feeling better

lollygagin,

I think you've def. been dealt a few rough cards, and can understand how you may shut down. I don't know where you live, but perhaps your friends could reccomend another roommate for you. If this is not a financial issue, check out craigslist or roomates.com and find someone compatible. Do you think you could stay with your family for a bit while you look for another place?

I don't have any kids, but I'm an aunt of 4. And I think the moms here make a good point--there's really no questions on who they will prioritize--its their child (as it should be). And though no one may realize it yet, your friends may end up resenting you if their daughter keeps spiraling down.

I'm sure you've been very helpful to your friends (you don't sound like a free-loader or anything like thta) but at the end of the day, you may feel happier if you;re on the same footing with a roomate. You won't feel indepted and "burdensome" to a roomate, and you'll still have good company -- just make sure you screen your roomate well so you know you're compatible.

Let us know how it goes.

Yes Lollygaggin - please let us know how it goes.

And thank you for taking all of our replies so graciously. I certainly feel for you, and I by no means want you to have to endure another (or a further) downward spiral. NO WAY!!

Now that my eyes have been opened to a completely new world (the "Parent World"), I just felt very strongly that my viewpoint could be very helpful. Before having my children I didn't have the same sense of just how precious a child of mine could/would be. Fortunately, I discovered that the immense love and fierce protectiveness I feel toward my children were gifts from heaven. I never knew I could care so much about somebody. Perhaps it could be compared to how people feel about their pets (I never had a pet other than a few rodents for a coupla months.)

Also Lolly, your experience is UNIQUE! We've never met these friends of yours - and they sound like people who really love you to pieces. So to be honest, I've never had nice friends like that. I HAVE HAD friends and family who have extended their hospitality to me before then LATER seemed to feel much differently about that idea. So that ALSO influences my reply to you.

I just want to make sure you know that I'm wanting to SUPPORT you and have things work out for the BEST for you.

Sincerely,
Sue