:confused: I have (2) stepsons. 14 and 12 years old. I left my job in December and have been home. The boys live with us every other week. My husband says I don't like the 14 year old and I am starting to think he may be right. The 14 year old is constantly hitting and kicking his brother. His brother constantly tells him to leave him alone. The first week the boys were with us. The 14yr climbed on a school roof with a friend and was playing around. I was very concerned about the incident but my husband blew it off. He told me I was over reacting. I asked my husband what I should do when the 14 yr old is getting physical with the 12 yr old. He said to do nothing and let them work it out. That evening the 14yr kept hitting his brother in the face with a basketball. The 12 yr old came in the house crying. My husband told them to leave each alone. Within 30 minutes the 14 yr was kicking the 12 year old. I blew up. I told my husband that the 12 yr old and I don't have ADHD and we are in overload and that something had to happen. My husband said I would just have to deal with it. We discussed getting a divorce. Then my husband decided that the 14 yr old would take a time release Ritalin everyday. This past Sunday he took one and we all had a wonderful day. Monday I gave him one and the 14 yr old was even invited to spend the night at a friend's house. That evening my husband said the 14yr wouldn't be taking any Ritalin this summer because he wasn't acting like himself. I asked the 12 yr old what he thought and he agreed with his father. Is it the ADHD or are the boys trying to drive me out of the house. Or am I being to critical?

I won't be able to handle this situation all summer. I am interviewing for another job because I can't stand being at home with the 14 yr old. Any advice is greatly appeciated.

I would tell them both that if anybody gets hit at all, then they will both be physically assaulted by me .no exceptions.
and then do it.

This will happen two times and thats only because they don't learn very fast

remember, he lacks impulse control and may say things that he really truely does not mean. He may come off as a smart *** or mean but that you need to see beyond that and have a lot of patience.

For reasons I still don't fully comprehend, fathers seem to have an especially hard time with medicating their children. My husband and I have been going round and round about medicating our daughter and once we started he said the same thing about her not being herself. However, sometimes time, experience and learning more about ADHD is helpful. He just agreed to let me start her on Concerta and hasn't been balking at it this time, so don't give up hope.

Is it possible to get a third party involved? If you guys are discussing divorce over this, perhaps it's time to see a counselor who is experienced in working with families were ADHD is an issue. Maybe education about ADHD and an outside perspective would be helpful. I wonder if he knows that unmedicated teen ADDers have twice the risk of abusing drugs that of non ADDers and ADDers who take stimulent medication?

Hope things improve for you guys,

Scattered

But that does not mean he does not have limits, He needs to know that the limit starts before he lays his hands on someone so the sever treatment would actually restore peace.

I almost forgot -- welcome to the forums, Sascassa!:) Have you seen Dr. Barkley's book called Taking Charge of ADHD -- it is really a good one. It not only has an excellenet explanation of what is going on with ADHD but also treatment options both medical and non medical.

Take care,
Scattered
PS: You can order ADHD books from www.addwarehouse.com (http://www.addwarehouse.com) or www.specialneeds.com (http://www.specialneeds.com). Goldstein another leader in the field has a book out called Angry Children, Worried Parents: Seven Steps to Help Families Manage Anger that might be useful.

Physical violence toward another should never be acceptable. Ever. Ever. Ever. Letting them work it out is not acceptable.

The first hit could be considered impulsive, but after that he has control of his actions.

He should be punished severely for hitting his brother.

Physical violence toward another should never be acceptable. Ever. Ever. Ever. Letting them work it out is not acceptable.

The first hit could be considered impulsive, but after that he has control of his actions.

He should be punished severely for hitting his brother.
Thank you for being a male voice of reason.

Physical violence toward another should never be acceptable. Ever. Ever. Ever. Letting them work it out is not acceptable.

The first hit could be considered impulsive, but after that he has control of his actions.

He should be punished severely for hitting his brother.Depends on your definition of "punish", and I can verify that an ADHD child in meltdown mode does not have control of their actions after one hit.

If he is annoying his brother out of boredom and lack of impulse control, maybe not even then. Depends on his "ability to forget" threshold. For some there really is no moment of thought between "impulse" and "action".

The OP seems pretty savvy, the kid needs to be back on his medication I believe.

At the risk of repeating myself, try asking your husband if a person can do without glasses when they cannot see (Ritalin=glasses in this case).

Good luck to all of you,
Crazy :)

We had many issues with our 14 yo ADHD when we first got the bio brothers. His younger brother was 9 and he was 12. He smacked him around unmercifully, of course when we were out of the room. We tried everything except corporal punishment. While we had temp custody the first year, CPS told us we weren't allowed to spank the boys. We were good with that. There are many alternative methods that work, unfortunately, not with him, at the time. I happened to walk into the room when big brother was drawn back and punched the 9 yr old right in the middle of the nose. It knocked him completely back and to the floor. My instinct got the best of me, I flew over and smacked him hard across the face (I'm not a face slapper but I was appalled at the force he used on his 64 lb. little brother). I cannot tolerate a bully and I believe what goes around comes around. Being their primary caregiver, it was up to me to "give him a taste". I don't blame you if you disagree, ya had to be there. After it was over, I calmly asked him, "how does it feel to be hit?" He was shocked, really dumbfounded. We talked for awhile till both were calm and although we have very rare flare ups, the violence has ceased. I really don't believe in hitting as anything but the last resort. We have developed a strong set of rules, we have 3 boys now, the third is almost 13 and also ADHD, but no violent tendencies. He was on the receiving end for the first few months, with the oldest. What works best for us is reward and punishment. I am really strict, with my 2 ADHD boys, it works well. We have a pretty rigid schedule, chores, and rules. Everybody that lives here, does his share as a part of the family unit. We also have a tremendous amount of fun and have a happy house. It is important to stand firm, keep the rules and keep the peace, no matter what it takes. Also, each of these boys came from homes that had no rules, no schedules and a lot of the time no meals. Their lives were pretty horendous, on top of the ADHD. It was "normal" for them to be out of control. The 14 yr old is going into high school this year, he has maintained an A and B average all last year, has many friends, his teachers loved him, and he minds me. We have worked hard on building a good relationship these last 2 yrs. and come such a long way from those first few weeks of rage and out of control temper tantrums. Those don't happen anymore. We are really proud of our boys and they give us ample reason to be. I honestly think they are proud of us too. Artcraft

Sorry, I forgot to mention one important thing, it has helped tremendously. Both boys are on meds. They work! Artcraft

Nice story Artcraft. I can only imagine the feeling, seeing your younger son be hit like that. Also, sounds like the strict rules worked out well. Glad to hear everything is going well.

I have been thinging about this for alot of years and I think I know why kids keep fighting back and forth. Someone has to be proven as the ultimate fight champ to stop the battles. Get some soft, heavily padded boxing gloves and put them on the kids. Get head gear too. Put them in the room with nothing to break and tell them they have to keep at it for atleast two minutes. They will quit before that, but make them keep at it for the whole time. They will be so tired after two minutes that they will not ever want to do that again. Every time one of them hits the other one after that, it's time to go back into the ring. After a very short time the hitting will be over.

X-Man

X-Man, that's a nice theory but it doesn't hold a drop of water. My older brother, who was never diagnosed with anything as a child and as an adult refuses to admit that he has or had a problem, was incredibly impulsive and violent when we were young. My parents tried that approach (along with everything else under the sun) and though my older brother "won" it didn't stop the violence. Instead it gave him a feeling of superiority and power over me that made the situation worse.

Perhaps it would work if the hitter was the younger sibling where allowing the older child to hit back would make an impact but even then I would be skeptical. What finally got my brother to stop was when he hit me while my parents weren't home and I called the police like my parents had told me to do. Being arrested didn't fix his problems, but it did end my tenure as a punching bag.

I thought about the smaller child being the one getting hit after I wrote it. Just keep in mind that you aren't the object of the agression. Find the peace that is being tried to be beaten from others and help to make it achievable. No cops will be necessary ever again then.

X-Man