My 7 year old son was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I go in today for the complete report and recommendation. I am remarried and have full custody of both my sons, but they visit my ex-husband every other weekend.

There are lots of terrible things I could say about my ex, mostly related to how he treated/treats me, but the biggest problem is that he does not act like a parent. I suspect he has ADD too, or at least a bad case of Peter Pan Complex. He is a playmate and a babysitter and nothing else.

From my understanding, my son is going to need consistent behavior management and medication that is closely monitored. I don't think my ex can provide either of those! He has a no-holds-barred behavior policy and can hardly remember to feed them 3 meals a day! They come back from his place tired, dirty, hungry, and happy to be back home.

I have tried to have serious conversations with him in the past about his lack of responsibility, but he gets extremely defensive and shuts down. In the state of Utah, I really have no choice but to let them visit him. As long as he's not abusing them, he can see them. He doesn't even have to pay child support to see them (thank goodness he does!) And he's not abusive or dangerous by any means, just not a responsible parent.

Does anyone's ADHD child visit your ex? How has it worked out? Any suggestions or warnings? Happy stories are welcome, too. I'm willing to look on the bright side!

Well, I have no experience with that. It definately does not sound like a great situation. However, as long as there is no abuse, maybe you need to accept it as it is. Keep up your good parenting at home. However, if you kids have specific complaints about their visits, you should encourage your kids to discuss it with their father.

It is good that you had direct discussions with him about the situation. So, you can feel good that you have made your concerns known to him. If there are any specific safety concerns, you should make those clear.

There's not much you can do except be consistent at home. He is their parent too and has just as many rights to parent them the way he sees fit as long as it doesn't endanger them. It's really hard not to get caught in the pitfalls of trying to control the situation. You can't. You gave up some rights in that area when you got a divorce because you now have seperate households. You only get to be the boss in your household.

Share the medical information and just keep your eye out for any kind of dangerous situation. That's when you put your foot down.

I've been through this twice. First ones are almost all grown. My kids from my second marriage are just now starting down this trek. Same complaints, only my ex doesn't even bother with a whole weekend. Every few weeks he will call and ask if they want to go out to eat. He lives two blocks away. If it happens to be on his visitation day then I make the kids go. I have promised them that they don't have to go if it isn't his legal time.

I can tell you that it works itself out over time. They grow up. Kids get their identity from both parents. The less you say the better. Just this week I heard from my twins because neither of them heard from their father on their birthday and he didn't respond to their phone calls or email on fathers day. In the past that has meant the jerk has a new female friend. Part of me wants to call him and chew his butt just for hurting their feelings. I have learned though if I stay out of it then he is the one that ends up paying the price in the long run.

My first ex is an idiot. My second ex is undiagnosed adhd genius type with a narcissitic personality. My second ex makes the first look like father of the year. He can't think past himself long enough to provide meals for another human being. If he feeds someone it is because he is making it into an event. The kids will wear the same clothes day after day and never comb their hair - one of them is a girl too. I can totally relate to what you are saying. Kids, even adhd ones, are resilient and can adjust to different households. If he only has them on weekends then you won't have to worry about him messing up the school stuff.
It's really easy to get caught up in trying to make them into a better parent. It doesn't work. It's like doing someone's homework for them. They never pass the tests.
Oh, and my seven year old was just diagnosed too and I can't decide wether to even bother telling the ex. He had to have seen insurance stuff come through but hasn't asked.

I know I'm jumping around but the meds wore off hours ago. I hope you can find something useful in it anyway.

I have two children with ADD and ADHD and i do go through this as well.My son is ADD and not medicated at this time but his dad and i battle over the issue of my son needs structure and his dad does not have any clue.My little girl is ADHD and is on a few different meds and she needs a LOTTTTTTTTTTTTT of structure as well and her dad is pretty good over all so i cna not complain really.I just moved 2600 miles away from there fathers which i know some of u are thinking im wrong but at this time it is the best thing for us for many other reasons.

I would like to wish you the best of luck and all the advice i can really give is keep track of EVERYTHING and if you have to complain at the courts as it will do nothing but hurt your child in the l0ng run if the father does not work with you as a team to raise your child properly.

If your husband is happy not to medicate your son, maybe it can be the perfect place for him to have a break from medication if he is prescribed any. He can just go to Dad's and be the same as usual..

A break will do no harm, as long as he is happy, and safe :-)

Is there any chance that your ex would go in and speak with his doctor? Would his doctor be willing to sit down with ex and educate him a bit on the importance of sticking with his treatment plan? This would take you out of the middle of it, so maybe ex wouldn't get so defensive. It would just be ex, and the doctor, talking about your child. Nothing to do with you, so hopefully there wouldn't be that defensive wall thrown up on his end.
If you don't think this is possible, then see if the doctor will write up, and make a copy of his treatment plan, and again, why it is important that it be followed. Then you can have it mailed to his house, where he can look it over in private.

Not sure any of this would work, but it's the only thing I can think of that might stand a chance. Maybe without him being in defensive mode, he would at least "consider" what is in the best interest of his son (one would hope:p ).

If he doesn't do anything, just hold strong on your end. AD/HD children actually like structure, and routine, so even if it's not all the time, what he gets from you will really help.
Good luck!