my wife which i just married has adhd , which she takes adrell, i new of her problems it just , that i feel i always have to say am sorry , if i dont say the right thing she can flare up. i realise i cant change this person ,nor do i want to

am just trying to find a litte happiness,but here are some of the thing i have found
you cant ask to many question or she'll blow a fuse.

one way to get stimulation is by subconsciously provoking arguments. "If I say black, she says white

this is my , bigest bigest problem espeicaly when were in and argument

Pressured speech—rapid fire constant talking. Difficult for partner to get a word in edge wise. the need to get all the information out there, all at once for fear of forgetting something (especially common with the hyperactive/impulsive type). Often unaware of other person's need in the conversation. Become monologue. Person with ADHD often thinks out loud. speaks what they are thinking. Serves the purpose of self-stimulation

anyway i need to know what to say that can shut her down if were in argument it will last two sometime days before we get back to normal:)

Hi there tommytwotone,

Have you had an opportunity to read a lot about ADHD? You've got a a couple of things you mentioned I think but there is a lot more to learn for sure.

Just an idea but when things are going well between you, maybe you can bring up the problem you are having.

A number of our members have noted that sometimes their add partner is not always aware of how their nonadd spouse is feeling, so it might take some effort on your part to get her attention focussed on this.

I think you should try to set some ground rules for arguments though, because as time goes on, the constant bickering will really get to you, if it hasn't already. :)

I'd recommend a trip to the library - get "driven to distraction" by Dr. Ed Hallowell. There are many others but its a good start. Read up on it maybe you'll find some understanding.

Is your wife also getting therapy with her adderall?? If not these habits we with ADHD have will never change. I highly recommend it if she isn't (and most sadly aren't). There is a type of therapy called CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) which teaches new ways to live that override the old ways. Very helpful.

As to how to defuse a long argument firstly don't keep adding your two cents - that will always keep it going. Don't simply agree either as that tends to infuriate most women let alone ADHD women. The best thing you can do is agree to disagree - tell her that you acknowledge her right to her opinion and you can see that she feels strongly about hers so you'll accept it as her point of view. Very many times we with ADHD tend to change our opinions like the weather if given our own space.

I hope you continue to get both of you help to make things work better.

Thanks i was adding my two cents in because i thought she wanted to hear it .WRONG
then i try to just agree with her , it would seem to last a little while , but if she wasnt getting any confortation then she would try to verbaly attach me , just to provoke an argument.
and when she goes on her mood she be like a wood pecker and just cant seem to let it go

ive notice she hyper focus on a situation , but cant let go of the thought, her thought process will escualte into a doomsday -what if.

here is funny side of her thought process
on day i told her i was cleaning behind the refrig because i had a mouse in the house which i caught and kill, about 6 months prior.
the next day she wanted to know the size of the dropping and color .
she wanted me to go out to the trash and verify what i saw
because in africa they have rats that are deadly and if you touch their dropping you can die, as she was emailing me

Pressured speech—rapid fire constant talking. Difficult for partner to get a word in edge wise. the need to get all the information out there, all at once for fear of forgetting something (especially common with the hyperactive/impulsive type). Often unaware of other person's need in the conversation. Become monologue. Person with ADHD often thinks out loud. speaks what they are thinking. Serves the purpose of self-stimulationWell yes and no IMO. I still can go off like that on my meds but I do understand that is a tendency I have and let go of the need to overwhelm others. Maybe she needs a med check?

Also does she speak slowly enough to be understood? I am asking for a reason and will reply after you answer that.

Crazy :)

Are her meds working right? One thing I noticed after getting on the right meds at the right dosage was that I lost that defensiveness/argumentativeness I used to have. Also lost my need for stimulation and my high level of chatteriness (is that a word??) diminished.

Just makes me wonder if she's taking the right meds or right dosage. :confused:

Also, I've noticed that instead of entering into an argument with someone when they're angry, I just say "Lets talk about this later when we are both feeling a little less emotional." You'll probably get some further attempts at provocation, but if you refuse to react to them, the other person usually sees that conversation is futile and backs off. Just a thought

T

I'm wondering what it is that you are asking or saying to your wife that causes her to flare up. The reason I am asking is because sometimes I feel hurt by my husband's innocent questions. You sound like a nice guy...maybe you are asking things like, "honey, did you pay the cable bill?" or saying something like, "we have no milk, it went bad, you forgot to put it back in the fridge." Such remarks are so meaningless yet can cause great distress for an ADDer. I'm not saying in anyway that freaking out is an appropriate response...but it might help to understand what her real frustrations with having ADD are...maybe you can ask her?

Before I got on proper medication I believe I used arguments w/my husband as a form of mental stimulation....and that wasn't fair to him. I'm telling you from the flip side of the coin the more education I got the more I understood that alot of my difficulties could not be helped and that I shouldn't take innocent comments so personally.

A way that may help to shorten your arguments may be to say,"Maybe your right. Give me some time to think about that." and let it go until she is calmer.

Introduce her to this forum!!

Maybe you two could start an exercise program...exercise also helps to diffuse alot of symptoms.

Lastly, when I was really into an argument sometimes (underneath all my insanity) I just wanted to be heard and validated and told I was a good person and that I was loved.

Good luck Tommy2tone. Have faith...

Lastly, when I was really into an argument sometimes (underneath all my insanity) I just wanted to be heard and validated and told I was a good person and that I was loved.

OMG i can REALLY relate to that!!!