i know i have to control my tone and not be critical but it is so fristrating some times.Me and my partner have been having alot of problems since the beggining of our r/l and one of the main ones is however how much i know we are connected in a special way it sometimes feels like we are not.I have a vast number of interests any whenever i bring my partner along to a art show or a play im not to sure if she has enjoyed it.sure she may say that it was good but her expression and comments make it sound like she could be talking about something generic and not specifically great.I am worried because she does not have any interests expect food where her use of adjectives comes out.It really feels like all our experiences are similar to her because musch of what she says about them cliched and this makes me feel like something is missing.I love her but even when she is physically close i feel like she is there but unconnected.I think this also stems from the fact that if i am talking about emotional things she may respond but it feels like she is not doing so with any natural empathy but what she has learnt to do its like she may paraphrase me but misses the emotional content this again makes it feel unheard or more so unfelt.i dont know how much this will improve with treatment and have to make a decision on marriage very soon because she wants me to commit.I love her and think she is a great partner in many ways but i cant help but feel sometimes that something is missing.will she gaim more interests and have more emphay with treatment.Life is so hard

When you say she will gain more interests and have more empathy with treatment, what do you mean? Treatment for what? Am I safe in assuming she has ADHD since you are on this site?

Yeah, treatment probably will help her, feeling understood by someone usually does. If she finds a good therapist, she will start to feel more understood with time. It sounds to me like you two don't communicate very well. Maybe you should go to some sort of relationship counseling together to work on it. I don't know a lot about the situation, but, people have a tendency to try to 'unite' a little too much in relationships sometimes. Maybe she is having a hard time still seeing herself as an individual right now. I went through that myself.

Hang in there, it will get better. :)

Thanks

Well we think that she may have ADD and she is waiting to be diagnosed .She has done a variety of online tests ans scored extremely high on the inattentive part which i thought would be.What i mean by will she gain interests is she isnt into music,movies,socialising.It seems like she is very practical with her hobbies . i am guessing she has to concentrate pretty hard at work and just doesnt want to think to much outside of that.As for the empathy part she is a really kind and fair person but doesnt seem to be actively using empathy.her responses to emotional intimacy or understanding seem very concrete,learnt and even practical.I know she is a great girl and only comes across as she doesnt care but it scares me sometimes.We have been to relationship counselling and that has helped.She didnt really like it because she doesnt see the stuff i am talking about as really a problem and thinks i am a counselling addict.She has said she is not interested in this kind of therapy in the long term and although it has helped our communication there is still that feeling that the emotional understanding is missing.I love her and do not want to lose her but i am scared that if doesnt improve a little at least there may be something missing in our realationship.I have to tell her if i want to get married in a couple of days as she wants to either get married or stop wasting time and not commiting.Sometimes i feel like i shoudnt need that emotional understanding but i do .Do things get better? i dont want to lose her but if i dont change or she doesnt a little i may have an unhappy part amongst all the good stuff.Has anyone had a similar experience? Does anyone have any advice?
Thanks

To be honest, I think emotional understanding is really important in a relationship, especially before you get married, because, after you are married, there are a lot of times where it is really hard to communicate, and that emotional understand can help a little.

How long have you two been together?

We have been together for about 18 months.Its hard to explain it sought of like she may get that i am unhappy or passionate but miss the reasons behind it the specifics.

Okay, my brother called me a couple years ago with the same problem. I am going to tell you the same thing I told him...
If you have been with her this amount of time and you aren't motivated on you OWN accord to want to marry her, then maybe you should consider that there might be someone out there that you would mesh with more. There might be someone out there who would be more exciting to you and who has more interests of her own. I don't think that anyone should ever get married because they are threatened with an ultimatum, it should be something they originally want for themselves. Also, marrying her when you don't feel that excited love for her isn't fair to her either, there is probably a man out there who would love to be with a woman like her, for exactly who she is.
***Just to let you know, my brother left the girl that was telling him he had to marry her or she would leave. Awhile later, he met the girl of his dreams. He is so happy he didn't stick with the girl that he loved, but didn't LOVE.
I am not trying to sound like a relationship expert, but, it's my opinion. Good luck, my thoughts are with you, you will make the decision that is best for you. Hang in there.

Thanks for your help.I know its not fair for either of us if i go ahead with it thinking there is something missing and maybe i would do it on my own accord but have to much doubt right now.I sm worried i am making the wrong decision by not taking the next step because she is a one in a million girl and have even thought about her reading books which she has started to do and this might make our conversation more interesring and the meds might make her more focused and giving me less a feeling of aloneness,but i know what you mean i love her but do i LOVE her.

Hey, no problem. I am sure that you will figure it out soon. It's a hard decision to make. Let me know what you end up deciding. If you need anything else, let me know. :)

I thought long and hard about what to do and realise that we have alot of love and other good things.WE will be getting married and i do feel good about it.The thing that is worrying me is that we cant seem to talk things through my partner is very inflexible and has her mind up making it difficult to converse as she just defends her decision.This makes me unmotivated as my attempts are seen in the wrong way and it makes me feel like i cant be heard

It sounds like you two are having communication difficulties. Have you ever considered taking a day or two 'off'? Doing this makes it to where you both can be alone and ponder over how you really feel. I know when that kind of stuff happens with my husband and I, we take a breather so we can regroup. :)

sometimes a dayoff is whats deened a step back to rethink it all dorm

i dis have some time off to think about things and i eventually came to the convlusion that i want to be with jer.Its just that when we met up again the same problems occured.

i dis have some time off to think about things and i eventually came to the convlusion that i want to be with jer.Its just that when we met up again the same problems occured.good luck Kabbas..have you progressed to the point of a dr's appointment yet?

yes.She has a apointment on the 3rd of August with someone who is supposed to be very experienced with add in female adults.How long does the testing go for ?

Excellent :-)
My friend in canberra had to go to 3 different testing sessions, which were expensive and took hours each time. She had to get the approval from 2 Psychiatrists and a pscycologist to be considered for stimulants!!

I only had to spend an hour with the ADD specialist psch, but I had old reports which helped..and he managed to confuse me totally in the first 10 minutes..
So, it depends on which state you are in I think, and how well the Dr knows about adult ADHD

what kind tests do they do then tracy lol iam confussed allready dorm

what kind tests do they do then tracy lol iam confussed allready dormLOL :D they did a heap of stuff to my friend..all sorts of tests for learning etc etc and attention, and IQ..

for me..all they needed was to talk to me..now, that is a worry :p :p LOL..I am ALWAYS confused Dorm :D

Im not sure but i might have to do my research as i think the right psc is important.

Im not sure but i might have to do my research as i think the right psc is important.it is very important! Try contacting your local ADD society, and find a name of an ADD Dr :faint: That will help a LOT!

Im petty sure she does not have adhd but rather add.The doctor was recommended but i dont know of his experience.How would i find out? As i think its super important.

I'll check and get back to you :-)
If I forget , send me a PM please

I had no need for that last post. Thanks.

Do you know anything about performance anxiety is is closely related to add.Im asking because the doctor that my partner has written books on it im still not sure what he knows about add.

Maybe you might check out one or two of his books and see what he says and how he addresses it.

Or you could see if your partner would ask him directly, if you aren't present at her sessions.

Im petty sure she does not have adhd but rather add.The doctor was recommended but i dont know of his experience.How would i find out? As i think its super important.
DSM-IV Criteria for ADHD
I. Either A or B:



Six or more of the following symptoms of inattention have been present for at least 6 months to a point that is disruptive and inappropriate for developmental level:
Inattention



Often does not give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities.
Often has trouble keeping attention on tasks or play activities.
Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.
Often does not follow instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions).
Often has trouble organizing activities.
Often avoids, dislikes, or doesn't want to do things that take a lot of mental effort for a long period of time (such as schoolwork or homework).
Often loses things needed for tasks and activities (e.g. toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools).
Is often easily distracted.
Is often forgetful in daily activities.



Six or more of the following symptoms of hyperactivity-impulsivity have been present for at least 6 months to an extent that is disruptive and inappropriate for developmental level:
Hyperactivity



Often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat.
Often gets up from seat when remaining in seat is expected.
Often runs about or climbs when and where it is not appropriate (adolescents or adults may feel very restless).
Often has trouble playing or enjoying leisure activities quietly.
Is often "on the go" or often acts as if "driven by a motor".
Often talks excessively.
Impulsivity



Often blurts out answers before questions have been finished.
Often has trouble waiting one's turn.
Often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games).



Some symptoms that cause impairment were present before age 7 years.
Some impairment from the symptoms is present in two or more settings (e.g. at school/work and at home).
There must be clear evidence of significant impairment in social, school, or work functioning.
The symptoms do not happen only during the course of a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Schizophrenia, or other Psychotic Disorder. The symptoms are not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g. Mood Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Dissociative Disorder, or a Personality Disorder).
Based on these criteria, three types of ADHD are identified:



ADHD, Combined Type: if both criteria 1A and 1B are met for the past 6 months
ADHD, Predominantly Inattentive Type: if criterion 1A is met but criterion 1B is not met for the past six months
ADHD, Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive Type: if Criterion 1B is met but Criterion 1A is not met for the past six months.

Tracy and others, do the docs there use the DSM IV?


Crazy