I am getting married to a girl in Dec who has ADD.Or actually may have it she is going to be diagnosed in a couple of weeks.I feel hopeless at the moment because although i love her im not sure how we are going to talk things through in a fair manner.She seems to get defensive while i feel unheard and basically feel like we can not get anywhere.She has decided couples counselling is a waste of time yet we still cant communicate and that has been helping.So im not sure how we are going to get better.

Hi Kabbas -
Oh boy - who's in such a hurry?? Coincidentally I just read your post in the General non-ADD and now this...you've gone from considering if you want to get married, to getting married in Dec pretty quickly - maybe there's a larger time span that I'm not perceiving.

:soapbox: You two are in the midst of figuring out a couple of things - finding out IF she has ADD is only the tip of the iceberg. If she does have ADD and her inattentiveness/defensiveness/lack of empathy when you feel a need for it/lack of traditional non-ADD type communication skills, has started to bother you...the unknown is whether or not this will change IF she's diagnosed, IF she chooses to be medicated, IF she seeks behavioral therapy, IF she will read books related to ADD and IF it doesn't become more of a sore spot between you that she only denies and your resentment grows.

If sh'e been pushing towards "let's get married", that may be the incentive to address this stuff - maybe a longer engagement? I need to get to work so I don't have time to bore you right now with my personal experiences at the moment, but I'm married to an undiagnosed ADD guy and it's been 3 years of uphill battle thru the defensiveness to get him to understand - but I do see changes. But it's not easy...and "all you need is love" is far from the truth!! :faint:

Just a thought - You're also making this "let's get married" decision right around the time when the extra chemicals of a love relationship start to taper off. R

Redhead,

great comments,

Kabbas, if you are recognizing problems, you should ensure they are addressed to YOUR satisfaction before you tie the knot. Your brain is telling you something important.

If she does have ADD, do take every opportunity to learn about it, the more you know, the better off you both are.

crime scene

Thanks guys

Well i know like it must look like i am rushing into this marriage and in a way i am.We have been together for about 2 years on the weeding date.THroughout this whole time i have been given dates as to when i have to decide what i want to do.I can understand that she feels like i am undecisive and she wants to know if i am commited to us s0o as she is not wasting her time.I also love her enough to do these things because i do not want to lose her and she doesnt seem able to have any flexibility in her thinking it is all so practical and single minded.I also dont want to waste time and would rather not wait to long before i commit and the dec weeding is great for both of us for holidays and stuff which would be lost if we dont do it on this date.I do feel like my resentment is growing because i find it hard to comrehend her lack of empathy,flexibility and defensiveness.This may change if she is diagnosed.As for this is the part of the relationship with the romantic love well im thinking long term and how we can have a life together bc we have commitment,loyalty and love.As for learning about add i will try if she has it but i wonder how much i can learn by our weeding.If she did not have it i question how i would feel as i would not know what to do ,so the reasearch will be a certainty.

She has decided couples counselling is a waste of time yet we still cant communicate
<snip>
i have been given dates as to when i have to decide
<snip>
she doesnt seem able to have any flexibility in her thinking
<snip>
the dec weeding is great for both of us for holidays and stuff
<snip>
her lack of empathy,flexibility and defensiveness.
<snip>
If she did not have it i question how i would feel as i would not know what to do.

Maybe I'm not connecting these dots correctly. When I read Redhead's "all you need is love" quip, I thought "all you need is ADD!" Whew, then there are people who will put up with all kinds of baloney and call it love! But that's my whacked non-sense of non-humor, don't mind me ...

Do you =want= to be married to someone who's calling all the shots in the relationship, who apparently isn't concerned with your feelings, and who is all set up to use an ADD-diagnosis as her no-expiration-date, unlimited get-out-of-jail-free card?

News flash:
There is no pill for lack of concern for others and unwillingness to take responsibility for one's own actions.


I'll take a shot in the dark: are you afraid of going through a breakup, and having no-one for a while?

Whatever is going on with you, do NOT compromise your life. Start, a little at a time, to surround yourself with people who respect you. Maybe she livens things up and gives your life an excitement you otherwise don't feel you have. (This was true for my X.) Well, you've got a board full of ADHDers who'll be happy to give you ideas for shaking things up. You don't have to sign up for an eternal roller-coaster ride.

The fact that you've been uncertain and she's been pushing you is a warning flag, in my eyes. In a couple of 'mixed' marriages I know, the non-ADDer KNEW early in the relationship that this was it. There was enough about the partner (incid. all women) that they took the ADD stuff (whether diagnosed or not) as one aspect of the package. In your case it seems to be the foundation.

Take a look at the non-ADD-partner support available and compare it to the break-up support available. Where do you see more resources? I don't know much about love stuff - print out Redhead's post and carry it around with you for a few weeks so you can re-read it often and get realistic about those IFs.