I am writing this as a last resort (no offense) and it is going to be REALLY long I apologize.

Right now I feel am plucking at my last nerve. I have three awesome children. But I could seriously (SERIOUSLY) use some help/advise SOMETHING to help me keep going. I love and hug them, I cry, I scream, I reward, I encourage, I find the good, and I time out for the bad, I have done all the right things, and probably some wrong ones, everything I could possibly think of to help them become good people and have a wonderful life. But IT'S NOT WORKING!!!!

First...My oldest was diagnosed 2 years ago with Aspergers.
When he was younger he used to rock in a fetal position and refuse eye contact, he was also 'untouchable' with everyone but myself, these symptoms I knew to be autistic ones and since 'my perfect baby boy couldn't have autism' I taught him not to rock (at least in public) by placing my hands on his shoulders and telling him 'no rocking' hold my hand instead. I would hold his hand until the rocking subsided (nowadays he opens and closes his hands when he has the urge to rock; I've noticed), and when he finally started to talk, I took his chubby little cheeks and directed his gaze to my eyes and "couldn't hear him" unless he looked at me; I made it seem he was helping me hear better if he would look at me, so now he looks at someone when he talks to them (I still occasionally allow him the wandering gaze when he is having a hard time composing his thoughts)
On the whole he has progressed nicely through the years with re direction to allow him to be more 'socially acceptable/integrated' now at 9 yrs old he does not appear to the casual onlooker to be autistic, he will look at you when talking and he doesn't rock in public. His obsession is Star Wars (pick one he loves em' all)
He can watch a movie once and repeat EXACTLY the light saber maneuvers that were shown with correct form and sound effects
(when the last movie came out all the neighborhood kids were having light saber battles and when they ganged up on him he still out maneuvered him, to the point that the kids didn't want to play with him because he was so dang good with a light saber).
He can quote the movie verbatim, he can build a death star with paper, and illustrates numerous battles.
I even had him help me decorate the shed out back (its his clubhouse) in the star wars theme with a black backdrop he painted vivid planets stars and hung models of all the different ships he made from scratch from the ceiling.

But he still has many issues to deal with, his TEMPER for one, when everything isn't 'JUST SO' or God forbid there is an annoying sound to deal with, or an annoying repetitive action not of his own doing he goes berserk! Hence my dilemma..

My second son is diagnosed with severe ADHD, hyperkinetic disorder, dyslexia and fine motor in coordination. His issues... is he CAN'T sit still, he CAN'T remain quite, he CAN'T stop doing those annoying things that he does. He has been on more medication than my grandmother with no improvement at all, he constantly clicks his mouth (which sends brother through the roof) he constantly swings his feet (ditto) he cant help but be annoying in so many (MANY) little ways that I couldn't possibly list them all.
Redirection and constant reminding works for him well, but you have to pick your battles carefully with someone like him because if you didn't you would be battling all day over the little stuff. He's the kind of kid that would give you the shirt off his back (which he actually did once because his cousin was crying when she got hers dirty) He's not intentionally doing this stuff to be annoying, he honestly can't help it! when you ask him ' hey why are you making that noise... he says what noise!? When you ask him to sit still for a moment he states I am! (when his foot is swinging wide arc in the room)

They are both very similar in that they both have a high tolerance for pain, and that they are both part of this family. Aside from that, they are like to tornadoes... but spinning in opposite directions! I NEED HELP!

I had put them in karate classes mainly because the oldest wanted to, the younger thought it was cool... and I thought it would be good discipline for them both, so they both were enrolled, a year later they were both pulled from it because they were using it against each other!!!


One Has to have a rigid routine, things quiet, orderly, neat and 'just so', the other has chaos in his veins, constant movement perpetual motion, disorderly and noisy.

Dinner time is a constant battle, one wants the table just so, the other is moving the table because he can't sit still.

I keep them separated during the day best I can but there are limits, after all we are a family and no matter how much they drive each other nuts they are going to live together ....until someone moves out OR ....kills the other one.

HELP ME PLEASE... I just want one day... no, just one hour... HECK, I'm not that greedy, JUST ONE MEAL WITHOUT SOME DISASTER!!! I am SO TIRED of the balled up fists, spittle flying from his mouth in fury, and Damien eyes from the oldest when he looses his temper (9yo now), The second one flipping and flopping in the chair and falling to the floor and then the sad puppy eyes that ' he thinks his brother is going to hit him' (7 yo now)...


The boys biological father wants nothing to do with them (he left us when they were 1 1/2 & newborn.. before they were diagnosed) and now that they have 'issues' he REALLY wants nothing to do with them.

I feel lucky when I go to work because I get away for a while (and I work in an emergency room and I find that calming?!). But when I come home My mom sits for an hour complaining about how awful they were.

It wasn't until 2 years ago that they were diagnosed both of them, because I finally figured out that with all my re-directing, time outs and rewards and praise... that things were just not getting better.
However my second son is the one that gets most of the redirection ... Please don’t jump down 5 stairs at a time, .....don't run with scissors,.... don't stand on top of the fish tank to feed the fish...

I praise him for every little thing he does right though, I have a mental ratio of 5:1 to keep him from being discouraged frustrated and just plain give up, I look for everything to compliment them on.. down to thanking him for flushing the toilet!

I worry because the things the second son does are EXTREMELY dangerous and his baby sister is always watching, waiting for a chance to do it. (yes she was on top of the fish tank 10 minutes after I told him to get down)
Now the third child is only 2 and she starts screaming and crying because her brothers are 'fighting again'. Her father is totally frustrated with the boys and I need help.... (esp after she needed stitches the other day because they were 'doing the things they do' and she got hurt.

I want it to STOP...help me please?! any suggestions???

I'm responding, not because I have the answers but because I want to help! First of all, you sound like an awesome mom!

I have a good friend who has autistic twins. They are so very different and I know somedays she is absolutely at her wits ends. She gets a lot of help from the county as far as classes, daycare, counseling, etc. Because her children have special needs and she is a single parent, she qualified for some help and she uses it. I don't know what is available to you or what you already have, but use whatever is available to you.

I wish I knew more. I'm ADD but my daughter isn't so I don't know what to recommend. But, as a single mom, I will tell you, no matter WHAT, take care of yourself so that you have the energy to take care of those wonderful boys.

Hey Mom,

This is my first post in a very long time as I have not been well lately so please bear with me and I will try not to be too lengthy.

First of all about two years ago I quit my job of 13 years to work with Autistic boys in a long term setting. I have a boy that is about the same age who is just as much into Star Wars as your son and we also have his little brother who is much like your second son. So, I can empathize with you a little I know its not exactly the same since these are not my boys and I do get to walk away after 8 hours most days (I'll admit though on days I pull 16 hour shifts I walk in my door at home and yell "shut up, don't one person say one thing to me and don't move".)

Our home offers a 2 to 1 supervised daycare. Try checking out any of the Mosaic homes near you that may offer such a service....hey its a break, a chance to take a deep breath and relax for a second.

And I'd suggest counseling for you and your husband so that you can get thru this together.

I'm wishing you the best,
Cherity

Boy do I ever understand this one. I have a 9 yr old who was originally diagnosed with AD/HD, but is now being tested for Aspergers. AD/HD treatment failed, and a screener for Aspergers came back as positive for Aspergers. We have more testing to go through though before we find out for sure. I definitely understand that "look", and the getting upset if the world doesn't go just as they predict it should, even if it's completely unreasonable.

I also have a 7yr old, and a 3 yr old. My 3 year old has some sensory issues and is just so dang over sensitive to everything, and prone to melt downs. She has this shriek that just sends my 9 year old through the roof. She also repeats constantly if she is upset, which also sends him through the roof. Then he's screaming, and she completely falls apart because she can't handle the noise either. It's a vicious little circle.

I don't have much advice, as I'm just finding my way through this myself, but wanted you to know you're not alone.

What kind of treatment are your boys getting? Maybe it needs to be changed a bit? Do they enjoy any other sports that they could do, separately? Do you have a tranquilizer for yourself:D , just kidding:p .

I wish I had some magical answer for you, but I don't. If you need an ear though, feel free to PM me anytime.
Hang in there!

Ladym thats not such a bad thought, actually Do you have a tranquilizer for yourself:D , just kidding:p .
Tell ya why too...this is what leapt off that page at me I feel lucky when I go to work because I get away for a while (and I work in an emergency room and I find that calming?!). Naturally my first thought was high-stim seeking ADHD. This stuff is heritable, ya know.


Crazy

I wish I had oodles of great answers for you, but you do sound like a terriffic mom.

I could only think of what Futz already suggested, getting that one on one help so you (and your Mother) can have a break. Is there a support group for the issues your son(s) face? So that you can meet others in your shoes?

Keep us posted.

big, big, BIG hugs to you. wow, you're just doing everything to work with and for your boys. please hang in there. consider the counseling. look into whatever colorado offers for you by way of assistance in caring for them. it really sounds as if you need a break. it also sounds like mom needs to learn that while it's frustrating for her...she gets to go home. for you, that IS home. maybe she means well, but as another single mom who works a ton, the last thing I want when I walk in the door is a laundry list of "here's what your kids did wrong today and why they drive me nuts." they're my kids. i know exactly what they're capable of doing, and ya know what? they drive me nuts too. hourly. i still love them more than life, so I keep putting one foot in front of the other. :)

Hang in there, and please take care of you!

Hang in there! You seem like an amazing Mom who loves her kids!

Here's some ideas:

Respite care- look into respite care for your sons. The program is usually through state or local government or maybe a local non-profit. It's basically daycare to give you a break.

Occupational therapy - It sounds like both your boys could benefit from occupational therapy to help with motor coordination and Sensory Integration.

Friends group - My school district offers a "Friends" class that teaches social skills to kids. When it comes down to it, with both AS and ADHD, you need to learn how to control your behavior so that you don't get rejected by others (at school, at work, at parties, etc.).


By the way, I have ADHD and my husband has Aspergers...if we had met as children we probably would have killed each other, but we've both mellowed as adults. As we grew up we learned how to to be more socially appropriate. And we're desperately in love with each other!

BIGGGGGGGGGGGGG hugs to you.You sound like such a wonderful mother.I wish I had all kinds of answers as well but I will say that you sound so wonderful.I would get all the help you can get for sure.Do you have any local support groups?Play groups?

I would try the counsuling as well.

Please keep your head up and know that we are all here for you!!!!

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and support, I honestly appreciated your comments, you guys almost brought me to tears. I truely felt your kindness and hugs, thank you.

I do love my kids... so dang much.. and just want the best for them.

The second one had been on and off medication since he was 5 but the reason most of them don't work is he has horrendous reactions and side effects. Adderall and Concerta were tried first they worked a little but... he would have extreme difficulty sleeping and eating with them (they were given a 3-6 month trial and to be honest I couldnt take the not sleeping side effects.. since I need more then 2 hours sleep a night. (and I couldnt let him run rampant throught he house at 3am doing God only knows what....)

Also...He also didn't like the way they made his head feel (what exactly I don't know since he didn't have the vocabulary at the time to tell me)

Straterra worked the best actually, and he was on that one for a year but after they maxed him on 40 mg daily, he had such severe nausea and vomiting that the poor kid just stopped eating (he was tired of vomiting ) even though we switched from day time dosing and started giving it at night to reduce the side effects during the day , he started refusing to take it because of the stomach aches (and I was more than a little scared at his new 'suicidal' thoughts)

So I lost it and took him off straterra myself (I only have myself to thank for that one).

We have a great child psychiatrist and pediatric behavioral therapist who work with the boys and I. There arent any good medications for aspergers unless he has co-morbid conditions like OCD or the like and luckily for us he doesn't, his assistance comes from teaching him what is acceptable adn how to interact with others. His problem is understanding body language, verbal clues in conversation, anger control, and anxiety control. picture a gague on a car or something... When the normal person starts to get angry, they can feel their needle rising... and they know they are getting angry and possibly about to loose their control... for my oldest he doesn't feel the needle rising, he just knows when it's time to 'blow' therapy is supposed to teach him to recognise the signs before it blows. We practice the same stuff at home also, and I get to use the baby as a perfect example, because she is beginning to demonstrate beginning body language, and such.

The younger one also goes to OT for his coordination issues but they say he is doing much better, our visits are once a month instead of once a week now.

I understand what you are saying about taking a break I do manage to get 20-40 min a day to myself. After the baby goes to bed at 800pm
I send the boiys to their rooms in the evening for "music appreciation time"

They can listen to whatever music they like until I come to their rooms and get them. I use that time to either sit in the kitchen or on the porch to just hear the quiet, or take a bath or whatever hits me for 'my quiet time'.

Afterwards when I come for them we might do a "midnight snack" before bed. Or sometimes I'll spend some 'one on one' with them while the other listens to music. They get a chance to vent about the day, and I get to hear their thoughts without all the daily chaos going on.

OH ps to Crazy~feet.....

HAHA I've been saying for years that I am the cause of all this, I honestly feel that I am ADHD also, so I am a self diagnosed ADHD'r.

I have all the s/s and it’s true, I am a high-stim seeking person.<O:p</O:p

When I was in high-school and choosing a career path, my interests were fighter pilot, cop, firefighter and air force medic.

I almost didn’t graduate from nursing school until I visited the ED and saw that that was my niche.

I wish i had some answers for you. You are an amazing Mum doing an incrediably difficult job. I can emphasis with that feeling of despair, i have an extremely difficult son to live with and often feel totally exhausted from the constant pressures and demands. Wishing just for one 'normal' day.

Sending you big hugs,

I am going to offer you a term I heard my friend who is a Special Ed director throw around. It is called "Sensory Diet" but it doesn't have anything to do with eating. She claims that it helps her students a lot and it might be worth looking into for your children. Just google the term and see if it is of interest to you. I hope this little breadcrumb is helpful. From one Mom to another...Peace.