I hate to sound so insensitive, but I don't know what to do.

My boyfriend just moved to be in the city that's a little closer to me. He's new to the area and it's his first time away from home (he stayed at home during college while I relocated). His ADD has been hitting him hard since. Which is making his living situation get bleaker. He lost his first temporary job because he was on a probational hire and his bosses didn't deem him "satisfactory". Fortunately he found another but being unemployed for the past month has put him in a huge debt. He's down to, quite literally, almost nothing.

I feel for him because it's a horrible cycle. He wants to go back on medication/therapy (he gave those up 4 years ago when he was in denial) but A) his health benefits haven't kicked in and B) he still has to wait months before he can dig himself enough out of his financial hold before he can pay for health insurance. I'm just afraid that without treatment he's going to keep having problems keeping his job since he hasn't had a great track record to begin with.

I just don't know where to draw the line between being a supportive girlfriend and being his "life coach". I frequently get frustrated witnessing how his absent-mindedness/difficulty in focusing is creating a lot of his current dilemmas. I find myself taking the lead: emailing him housing suggestions, budget plans, etc. He says that even though he appreciates what I'm doing, it's unnecessary. The only thing is, I haven't seen him prove me wrong otherwise.

It's to the point where I wonder how much of this is circumstancial (i.e. - first time on his own) and how much is the ADD? Most importantly, I'm beginning to wonder if he's just lacking some common sense (he missed a check because he told the sender the address was his cross street, not his actual street. His reasoning was, that's how he gives people directions to his house??)

Am I just being selfish? I feel more like his therapist/mother these days rather than his girlfriend. At the same time, this is the first time in four years that he's admitted to having ADD. He says that I'm the only person in his life who's had a positive attitude about it. I feel like horrible person that I'm the one telling him that having ADD isn't to be ashamed of (of course it's not!), yet now I'm waivering because of it.

I just need to know that he can do it without me, but I don't want to let our relationship go.

When I was on meds and I didn't have insurance, I went to a health clinic that offered healthcare based on income, so, I saw a counselor, and I think I paid 5$ per medication. If he is really wanting to seek counseling, maybe he should look into whether or not there is something like that in your area. Also, he could find a lot of resources in your area if he went to a local CHADD meeting.

About whether or not you should be with him, it's hard to say. How old is he? Aside from his ADD-type actions, how does he treat you?

In every other way our relationship is more than I can ask for. I've never been with anyone who treats me so kindly and is so dedicated to a relationship. He's really a great person to everyone, it's just that I think his symptoms can overshadow all of these qualities.

I'll let him know about the low-cost clinics.

But, as a partner to an ADDer, how far does your role go in helping them deal with this?

i know its hard but if you love him then some ofve the sympoms wont be as impornted theres allways around it but if you truly belive that you rewauched an impasss then you need to talk to him about it an see were it gose dorm? goodluck

I hate to sound so insensitive, but I don't know what to do.Doesn't sound insensitive to me, admitting you are at wit's end is not insensitive. What have you learned about ADD outside of you observations of your boyfriend?

My boyfriend just moved to be in the city that's a little closer to me. He's new to the area and it's his first time away from home (he stayed at home during college while I relocated). His ADD has been hitting him hard since. Which is making his living situation get bleaker. He lost his first temporary job because he was on a probational hire and his bosses didn't deem him "satisfactory". Fortunately he found another but being unemployed for the past month has put him in a huge debt. He's down to, quite literally, almost nothing. I can say that for me, moving is very disorienting. Distraction is a way of life for me, but after a while I get used to "the usual distractions" like which stores will have glaring neon signs on after dark, for example.

I can relate to being down to almost nothing. I am in the same situation and my DH does not have ADD, he has some kind of brain damage and he also cannot get help due to no insurance, plus no time. He must work so we can eat, ya know? Its rough!

I feel for him because it's a horrible cycle. He wants to go back on medication/therapy (he gave those up 4 years ago when he was in denial) but A) his health benefits haven't kicked in and B) he still has to wait months before he can dig himself enough out of his financial hold before he can pay for health insurance. I'm just afraid that without treatment he's going to keep having problems keeping his job since he hasn't had a great track record to begin with. It is a cycle and its entirely possible that your prediction will come true, then again maybe it won't. Its very significant that he realises he needs therapy and to go back on meds, though.

I just don't know where to draw the line between being a supportive girlfriend and being his "life coach". I frequently get frustrated witnessing how his absent-mindedness/difficulty in focusing is creating a lot of his current dilemmas. I find myself taking the lead: emailing him housing suggestions, budget plans, etc. He says that even though he appreciates what I'm doing, it's unnecessary. The only thing is, I haven't seen him prove me wrong otherwise.
Its gotta be a hard gig to "coach" a person with ADD. I do not know where you ought to draw the line, it would have to do with your own personal threshold for frustration vs. ability to differentiate him from what the ADD makes him look like.

One tip: if you find yourself making suggestions and he says he "has that handled" ask him how. ;) "I have that covered" is ADDish for "I do not wanna deal with that right now". If you make plans verbally, its likely he will forget. Write things down and place the written material in a visible spot.


It's to the point where I wonder how much of this is circumstancial (i.e. - first time on his own) and how much is the ADD? Most importantly, I'm beginning to wonder if he's just lacking some common sense (he missed a check because he told the sender the address was his cross street, not his actual street. His reasoning was, that's how he gives people directions to his house??)Oh man. I have to admit I giggled at that :o that made sense to me!! Our brains do not process the same way other people's do. If that's how he remembers things, and it works for him, he probably has no idea that others are going :eyebrow: "HUH??"

Am I just being selfish? I feel more like his therapist/mother these days rather than his girlfriend. At the same time, this is the first time in four years that he's admitted to having ADD. He says that I'm the only person in his life who's had a positive attitude about it. I feel like horrible person that I'm the one telling him that having ADD isn't to be ashamed of (of course it's not!), yet now I'm waivering because of it. Nah not selfish and its likely he isn't selfish either. Please keep coming here :) and maybe ask him to come too??

I just need to know that he can do it without me, but I don't want to let our relationship go.I have never been able to "do it alone" in all of my 40 years :eek:...maybe one day? But not even now, not even close!

Crazy

Thank you so much for the step by step reply to my post! It's comforting to here from others with ADD say that they can relate to his quirks. Especially when you said you could relate to the letter/mailing issue:

"Oh man. I have to admit I giggled at that that made sense to me!! Our brains do not process the same way other people's do. If that's how he remembers things, and it works for him, he probably has no idea that others are going 'HUH??'"

I was seriously dumbfounded/frustrated before. But when you said that those things "process differently", it made me realize that I have to have sense of humor with this--because it is just silly when you think about it (in a laughing "with you" not "at you" way).

You asked what I knew about ADD outside my boyfriend. I have to say--nearly nothing. I know the basics, but websites only give a generalized list of symptoms. I'm glad this forum is here and I'm sure I'll be making frequent visits.

I can sympathize with my boyfriend on some level. I have bipolar, so I'm used to dealing with issues of stigimatization, etc. I'm being treated though so things are pretty even keel for the most part. He's been so supportive of me and has been there when my symptoms act up, so I want to do the same for him. It's just hard because I'm still into the dark when it comes down to "really" knowing the symptoms aside from the general list.