This is my first post, even though i've been trawling the forums for a little while. I'm sorry to say it has to be a bit of a sad one, and even though i've never said hello, this forum has helped me more than anyone can imagine. It was so amazing to come across people who were going through exactly the same thing as me... the same frustrations, the same disappointments, and even little quirks.

Me and my boyfriend (ADD) went out for almost 9 months, and we broke up about two weeks ago. I guess i knew it was the end... but it didn't stop it from being one of the most painful things i've been through. I've been out with guys for a lot longer than 9 months, but this is has hit me the hardest.

I have never tried/wanted to understand anyone so bad in my entire life... i failed... a lot of times during our relationship, because of his ADD, i'd think that maybe the con's outweighed the pro's.. maybe the hurt/frustration/disappointment he caused wasn't worth it...
I always managed to come through it for the better though.

One day, not too long ago, he decided he'd stop loving me.

And i don't think anything has ever hurt so much in my life.
I guess for him it just wasn't worth it to try. I know we weren't together for long, and i knwo we're young (20/21), and i know it was harder that maybe it should be at times.

but it doesn't stop me from wanting him back... now i realize i do truly miss everything about him. i learnt to love even the worst of his habits.... i'm dizzy because i've lost him and i don't want to let go, even though i have to. He's stopped caring now too... he doesn't answer my calls, or even talk to me online. we broke up over hte phone and i hadn't seen him for a week before it happened. i've had no closure, i've had no big finale, i thought i was okay the last few days.. and it just went downhill from there.

I'm sorry this was such a depressing post, i just had to vent, and thank this forum for helping me so much when i had nowhere to turn (even though now its too late...)
xo

Oh, I'm so, so sorry you have to go through this..what a heartbreak I know.

I think the thing is with relationships with ADD folks sometimes it requires a bigger investment of our personal resources (effort/research/understanding/patience/dedication) than we might ordinarily pay out in a nonADD relationship.

So when you lose someone, maybe it feels much worse because of that.

It's ok to vent here, we all of us understand what it is to lose people you love, the ADD and the nonADD of us.

One thought...if you are attracted to people like your boyfriend...e.g. ADD, because they are full of life, passionate, inspiring etc. you might hang around a bit and learn more.

Don't toss him out the door entirely though...when you run into him again in the future (who knows when of course) you may find an opportunity to have a great friend.

If only we could bypass the grief process, but alas...no such luck!!

crime scene

Welcome and please feel OK about venting here :) I for one can state that I never take the vents of nonADDers personally, because on a very crucial and totally human level, I know how baffling I can be to other people.

Its helpful to all to have you here.

Crazy

thank you so much for your reply.. it means a lot to me.
Last night i spoke to him (which was definitely for the last time), very very drunk and told me it was all my fault that he stopped loving me. that i killed it, that i was the one who ruined everything.

I can't handle that...
After a whole night of crying, blaming myself, and wishing i could've been a better person to him....... i realized that every action has a cause....... and it's not fair to pass the blame.........
At least i know i'm better off without him.

I wish it didn't have to turn so nasty, but i guess this was the closure i needed.

Thanks again

x

thank you so much for your reply.. it means a lot to me.
Last night i spoke to him (which was definitely for the last time), very very drunk and told me it was all my fault that he stopped loving me. that i killed it, that i was the one who ruined everything.

I can't handle that...
After a whole night of crying, blaming myself, and wishing i could've been a better person to him....... i realized that every action has a cause....... and it's not fair to pass the blame.........
At least i know i'm better off without him.

I wish it didn't have to turn so nasty, but i guess this was the closure i needed.

Thanks again

x
Welcome..and we are glad you came out of lurking mode...

Sweetie, it sounds like he is giving you excuses. And ADD might not be his only problem.
You don't just fall out of love with someone....suddenly.
And it takes two to be in a relationship, start one..communicate..end one?
You can't single handedly ruin it all unless you did something really causing a betrayel? doesn't sound like it to me?
Hey we have all been there. Hang in there ok...don't lurk anymore..if we can't see you we can't help out? right?
:)

yeah, thats what i thought (about falling out of love), but i don't know if his idea of love is the same as mine/yours..... i'm not sure he ever loved me anymore. i never betrayed him or anything like that... i know there were times i was difficult, even hurtful, but so was he. anything i ever did like that was a cry for attention, when something was missing, when he wasn't able to give me what i needed.... selfish, yes, but i suppose it was the only way i had left of getting through to him.
We let each other down in so many ways, and now i realize we never understood each other. It's for the best. But it hurts so ******* much. It hurts that someone who i thought cared about me, my best friend, the person i trusted with my heart... just so easily turned on me.
well... thats love, right..
thank you to everyone here, i suppose i should've spoken up sooner. Unfortunately, i know that he was never really as willing to understand me as i him, because i think he thought it was meant to be easier than that (who knows, maybe it is), and i couldn't keep up the one-way charade forever.

you're all amazing, thank you xoxox

Its entirely possible his idea of love is not congruent with yours hun. I know mine is subject to change randomly :( and that's not often a good thing.

It is important that you understand that it takes two to make a relationship and also two to make it fail. Keep talking, its helpful to work things through with others.

Crazy

oh its so much nicer to talk here than anywhere else <:) its already helped... i can't talk to him again for a very long time. not until its been long enough to heal both of our wounds. i know it'll only hurt me more, and the reason this all happened in the first place was because i insisted on talking to him. OHhhhh why is it so hard to have just a little self control!
i can't imagine what his idea of love is... it hurts to know we were never on the same wavelength. bah, everything hurts. i'll get over it, ill move on, i'll find someone new...
but i'll never forget my wonderful quirky unpredictable crazy boy i once had...... he was truly something special.
i almost feel like i ruined him :(
i know thats not true.. but its hard to think of it in any other way. its hard to remember the bad times at a time like this :/ my best friend keeps trying to remind me of all the times i used to go to her with stories of the bad times.. but its like my mind has just blocked them out completely haha. I'm sure they'll come back soon enough.
Yeah, it does take two to make a relationship fail. i need to remember that. drill it into my brain before other doubts come into my head...

i'm feeling better already
xo

Dear go0, it took me 3 years to find the key to describing ADD to my DH and also get him to see that he is not nuero-typical himself (he has brain damage and is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike someone with ADD) and I myself have ADD and think in 13 dimensions as a matter of course!

:faint: whew! We are hard to understand even by our own selves sometimes. I think that's a very human condition.

Crazy

There's no one more perfect for you, more wonderful, more kind, more special, more desireable than the person you lose.

What is painfully sweeter than the bird in the hand?? The bird that got away.

Glad you are working through it...it may take some time..six months, a year before you are totally over it... just keep taking it day by day

cs

Hi goO
I think the sadness of losing a love can reside more in what we didn't have than in what we had. So, going through the grieving process for a wish, a dream, a fantasy is just as real and painful. A big hug to you during this difficult time.

we're back together.

i even got over him... almost. its been almost two months, and most of those two months we werent' speaking to each other. for the last two weeks we've just been good friends.. talking all the time and going on lunch a couple of times.

the last thing i expected was for him to come back, and he did. dramatically at that. he has never once been as emotionally honest/open with me in our whole relationship.... he told me he couldn't and wouldn't live without me... he told me he would love me forever....

i feel slightly naive but my guard is still very up and aware. i love him but i won't tell him so until i'm sure that he's not going to repeat past behaviour. it's too much to type the whole story, but he sounded more sincere than i have ever heard him be about anything before. I have to admit i'm a little scared but..... excited at the same time. I have to wait it out to see if this is a temporary change or if its forever.

i'm still slightly in disbelief.

but thank you everyone for your support.... i'm sure i'll be posting for different reasons from now on.. :)

I'm really happy for you, goO.. Just stay true to your heart. :)