Hello again

I am again having big problems wirh my fiance.I thought that we had enough good things to set a date.We have been seeing a couples counsellour that has given us some insight> My partner realises this and yet does not want to do any more.She has now come around to continue seeing her.My problem is that im not what are add traits and what are not.She has had a very sheltered life with parents who although well meaning never really let her express herself or even develop much of a personality. My partners responses dont really show her own personality and she doesnt really express herself by telling me what she likes or doesnt.She is a very intelligent girl but does not seem to use adjectives about much at all ,but rather cliched generic types of comments.I dont feel like i am seeing her individuality therefore making me feel like there is no intimacy.I do love her and want to make this work but i am worried that we are never going to be able to enjoy each others individusality and openess.I am not sure if these are add realted things or just upbringing.She has really been trying and has enrolled in an assertiveness course and been reading books on communication.There has been improvement in our conversations and stuff but she has said that if we were to split up she probably would not do any of those things.I know that its important that she has her own motivation and not just me as her motivation.What do meds do /Will she be able to reason better,be less hasty and scattered in her thinking ,will she assume less,will she get things.She wants to keep reading and doing course and im happy she has decided to but i do not want her to do it for me.I am scared that i am going to want all those things that she cannot give but at the same time i am very happy with what she does give.I really have to stop my indecision because if i dont circumstences that i wont get into will mean i could lose her im just not sure waht are add traits? and if they can improve with reading of books,medication,diet,and some limited thereapy? If not i may feel lonely and sometimes bored with conversation in some ways

If she's speaking in cliches it's more like you are not getting her full attention and as her mind takes off in all directions, she is in and out of your conversation. From her perspective, she may think she's doing a pretty good job keeping it covered.

If you want to have a conversation with her try doing it during some other activity that isn't too stimulating, maybe go for a walk, do some cooking, dishes or dusting or something more like that.

I think it's great that your wife is challenging herself on a number of different fronts in order to be a better partner to you, but you know these things are 50/50....I think that learning about the traits of ADD/HD is a very good step in the right direction for your side of the equation.

I would recommend that you really push your sleeves up and delve into the whole issue, read a number of books on the subject, there are some great ones by Dr. Amen and of course my fave, Halverston's ADD and Romance.

Get involved in your local ADD community/support.

You need to understand the disorder or whatever combo of disorders she may have, you need to understand it from your perspective and from her perspective as best as you can if not directly from her then indirectly from literary/therapist or other sources.

Asking lots of questions and observing discussions and interacting with the other great folks on here as you have been, who are ADD or have ADD partners will also be helpful.

The success of your relationship will depend very much on what you know and how you learn to deal with aspects of ADD or whichever disorder she has, as well as whatever she is doing.

Do develop some new interests as well, new things to do together like sports or hobbies that you can both get your teeth into, or maybe you can join her in some of her current interests. Keep some hobbies of your own and persue your own interests as well so there is a balance.

It will likely be challenging but could be very rewarding, the more you know the better you will be able to tell whether this relationship is something you want to commit to.

Good luck on this!

crime scene

Crime_scene brings up some good points. I just wanna add my 2C. I have been telling my BDH for some time now to find some other people to talk to! I know I am frustrating and to me, he is frustrating too!


Two people should just not be the be-all and end-all of each other's existence, IMO.

Crazy

Good one Crazy,

people need their own space and their own friends too, being depended on for your partners happiness is a heavy load to carry for anyone.

cs

Two people should just not be the be-all and end-all of each other's existence, IMO.

Crazy

This is SO true. I always thought when you are in a relationship, two become one. Two do become one in some ways, but, one thing my hubby and I have learned is that we can't be dependant on each other completely.
We found we argue a lot less if we each have people to talk to, I have you guys and he has his friends at work. I think the most essential ingrediant to a healthy relationship is that both people keep their individuality. Yes, we love each other, but, we aren't the same person, we have our own wants and needs.;)

Kabbas,


". . . I really have to stop my indecision because if i dont circumstences that i wont get into will mean i could lose her . . ."

This is just one of the parts of your post that made me feel like your decision to commit to a date for marrying your girlfriend is NOT something that seems to be happening for the (so-called) "right" reasons. Why can't you just continue to date each other exclusively for a few more years?? As a 40-yr-old single mom of 2 (with oodles and oodles of relationship experience, including a RUSHED marriage), I want to share with you something important that I learned about marriage: It doesn't solve any relationship problems. In fact, it makes any serious relationship problems that already exist WORSE!

Wishing you all the best, Kabbas. And remember that my reply is just MY opinion, based on MY experience. Hope I haven't offended anyone.

This is SO true. I always thought when you are in a relationship, two become one. Two do become one in some ways, but, one thing my hubby and I have learned is that we can't be dependant on each other completely.
We found we argue a lot less if we each have people to talk to, I have you guys and he has his friends at work. I think the most essential ingrediant to a healthy relationship is that both people keep their individuality. Yes, we love each other, but, we aren't the same person, we have our own wants and needs.;)Indeed! I used to believe the same thing. What I have found is that 2 become 3...individual, individual, relationship (a lifeform all on its own)=3.


We struggle with that, though. Understanding does not always lend the ability to put something into motion. I NEED ADDF because I must speak my own language; he believes I somehow find ADDF to be "better" than him :confused: well, yes, at being ADD of course but...I am babbling!

I am hopeful that once we get his Neurological issues addressed he will find a group that speaks his language. I really, really hope that happens for him because his language is something almost, but not quite, entirely unlike ADDish.


Crazy

I wish you good luck in discovering what his brain language is. I have known for a really long time that I have ADD, but, I didn't stop feeling lost until I joined the forum. It is great to be able to be around people like me. I tried to explain all that to my guy. He seemed at first to raise an eyebrow about it, but, now that he has seen how much happier I am, he really likes my having friends on-line. I hope your guy starts noticing how much happier you are with ADD friends. Maybe he is just frustrated at not knowing his own language, that can be a really frustrating place to be.
BTW, I love your 2 become 3 analogy!
Take care, Chele

Thanks again Chele! I believe the same thing that you do...he must be terribly frustrated not to have a name for his language! :(...I know when I was in that place myself, I was a steaming pool of irritability and frustrated explosions.

We'll find his language one day; I have confidence in that.


Crazy

Yeah, I hope you guys find a really good person to diagnose him. It's too bad you don't live up here, my counselor is REALLY good. She could spend very little time with him and know what his language is.

Yeah, I hope you guys find a really good person to diagnose him. It's too bad you don't live up here, my counselor is REALLY good. She could spend very little time with him and know what his language is.I am hoping that the University of SC Medical Hospital might be able to help in this. That's where I went with my high-risk pregnancy, and they were fantastic. Plus he would probably qualify as "research" so perhaps we could get this done well, and cheaply too!

Current model we have of BDH is looking like a mild case of Frontal Lobe Syndrome...there may be more to it than that though. Head injury yes, but I dunno where to look for the meningitis-induced damage aspect in his case. Poot.

Crazy

Hmm, I can look in my physiological psychology book, it has all kinds of info on what causes certain things. I will check and if I find something, I will let you know. Can't guarantee there will be anything, but, you never know.

Sounds like a great hospital!
Chele

Thanks guys.Me and my partner have decided to go our separate ways.WE both tried really hard in this relationship but i think we were both wanting something that the other patrner did not know or was unwilling to give.The reason why there was so much pressure to set a date and not see if we could work it out is that we are turkish and my partner especially was really influenced by her family that you either get married or dont waste time.I am thinking and sad about all the great things i am losing and questioning wether i was putting a lot of expectation on her for my own happiness.I probably did a little but i was really questioning my ability to be happy when i could not have fluent conversation and even more so lisening to her pretty much always talk cliched.I feel like consisering the fact that i had to decide quickly i really could not do so favourably with so much doubt.I am scared that i may have lost the best women i will ever meet in my life but maybe its meant to be this way as i always wanted intimacy and stuff basically a change in her which may or may not come if she is diagnosed,treated.I realise you cannot commit to someone if you expect thanm to change even if you love them.

Kabbas,

I very much understand how certain traditions feel about marriage and dating. And I don't envy people in those situations. However (just my opinion, of course), I feel that you did the RIGHT thing! And I also feel confident that you have NOT lost "the BEST woman you ever will meet."

I'm guessing that you are a younger gentleman - under 35? I don't usually give advice, and you certainly aren't ASKING me for it yet here I go: I would very much take my time in finding a partner for LIFE! And like you said, you really are not going to have ANY SORT of REAL relationship with a partner you cannot talk with or get to know. What did you see in her, anyway?? If it's just BEAUTY - well, that's NEVER something that will CARRY a relationship.

I'm glad about your decision, and I really want you to not rush. (Especially since you're a MAN! Men can really take their time. Lucky! ;) )

Well out Sue. I guess everyone on here knows that I have NO problem giving my opinion and my advice. :D :p

Kabbas, I agree with Sue, there is definitely someone better out there for you, the woman of your dreams. Remember that story I told you about my brother? It is true, for lots of people. I had to leave a couple men in my past that just weren't what I wanted too. I am SO glad now. All the heartbreak and loneliness seemed REALLY worth it when I met my husband. Remember, if you met the woman of your dreams when you were 18, you probably wouldn't appreciate her like you would if you met her in 6 months from now. You really did do the right thing, you will look back on all this one day and feel relieved you guys ended it when you did, because, any problems you have now would multiply in intensity after you got married.
Chele