Such a silly question... i SHOULD know what i am suppose to do with my 14yo son right?

I use to post more here.... went thru a very hard phase last year. Things got much better... or so I thought....

Our son , now 14, is VERY influencable. If he is with us at home, he is a wonderful, well behaved (despite his severe ADHD) and very respectful teenager. If he is with kids his age, he becomes a different person, gets in trouble, use fool language left and right, disrespect us and others, and just is horrible!!! We have kept him at home most summer and limited who he can have over here. Trying to get no bad influences on him.

He is a computer geek. he knows all about them. No passwords and "netnanny" will keep him from using a computer. He was grounded from computier all together last year because of bad use of it, porn search (he was not even 13 at the time) and just very bad chat conversations with his friends, calling girls ***** etc etc just horrible!

After months without computer, we slowly gave him back the freedom of it, supervised in the kitchen. He woudl work on HTML coding, even come here on this forum... play games and all was fine. We slowly gave him back the freedom to go on the other (faster) computer downstairs. Everytime i'd come downstairs to check on him, he'd be doing the same "good" stuff! I was soooo proud. He was great, no more troubles becaue he was at home on that computer most of the day.

A month ago, we started worryign about how much time he spent on the computer and how he would look uncomfortable when we checked on him. He added a password to his account and pretend to "forget" it when i asked to use his account.

Anyway, finally was able to get into his account and found extremelly disturbing stuff... a boy I feel i dont even know. It SCARES Me, and i am very very worried!!! he is a great boy with us, how can he be so different on the net and others. He sneaked out of the house 2 weeks ago because i finally let him have a sleep over (here) with a boy i think is a great influence on him. At 3am the cops brought them back home. We had "seen" them "sleep(they were pretending) at 1am before husband and I went to bed.

So we realise all that time we thought our son was doing great, he has been lying, sneaky, and doing a lot of bad, wrong stuff. We are so so at lost and of course loosing all ALL trust in him.

Oh, and now he's got a girlfriend... which i see from the conversation they had that is not a quiet "nice" girl... very sexually oriented. I am just worried to death for my son. He is going to the total wrong direction. As a born again christian mom,I have standards I had thaught my children but I love him no matter what, he know what is right, what is wrong. He knows what God wants from him as term or sex etc etc. its like nothing matters.... he will do anything to be Cool.... we have great, open conversations.... how does he turn around and do this????

Just dont know what to do again......

Yes he is on medication and its the right one. We went thru changing medication and finding the right one a year ago and finally got it!

I am going to ground him again from the computer.. allowing him to only use it in the kitchen (will probably take away his brand new one)

at the same time... computer is his total passion and we knwo he can use it for great things too.... its like any freedom he gets, he abuses of it.

HELP

All my sympathies, happymama. My little sister did the same thing at that age. It got to the point that my mom had to call me in from 100 miles away to deal with her. (Mom said she'd kill her if she had to look at her again) I wish I had advice for you as a mom but I'm just a big sister.

If this helps, here's what I got. My sister is fine now. A senior in high school with plans to pursue and degree in art. (She's incrediably gifted in that) During that time. our mom grounded the life out of her...no friends, no phone, no computer unless supervised and being driven everywhere. Basically house arrest. But she got some family therapy. Lauren said what helped her was having me and our other sister to talk to. An adult that can be trusted, but not a parent. Someone she could open up too without fear of judgement or anger.

Hope it turns out well for your son too.

I'd focus less on religion and more on professional help. You may be stunned to find out he doesn't believe in your concept of God so using that will not work. Sex(and the etc. etc.) at his age is wrong for tons of reasons, but what God thinks is probably the least of his concerns.

Maybe try family therapy.

Just my 2 cents.

I am so glad someone else said that! That's what kept me from replying in the first place.


Crazy (who is clearly not the one to advise anyone on Christian methods of parenting and wonders if a post in the Spirituality forum might help the OP more than I ever could?)

Believe me, we do not focus on religion here. I am a christian but i do not believe in religions. My point was EVEN with the beliefs i have I love him no matter what he does! if he tells me tomorow that he is having sex, despite my beliefs, i love him just the same. That was my point to show that all I want as a mother is for him to be alright, happy and I just need some help as to how to deal with his ways!!?

I dont think i should ignore the porn on his computer and the fool language he uses out there. (this language is even cencured by this own site!! i cant even type it out! ) if that is what you are telling me, I guess i do need a forum that has a higher standarts of what is right and wrong.

I absolutely don't think you should ignore the porn or foul language, or anything else that he does that is against your rules either. Your house, your rules, and I don't hear anything from your post that sounds unreasonable.

I definitely think computer time must be taken away, or limited, or only supervised, no matter what. I'm not sure that earning it back should even be optional. He has shown you twice now that he can't be trusted with it. I don't think teens need to be alone with a computer anyway. There is just to much junk out there.

One thing about your post struck me though. You mentioned great kid, bad influences. Great kid, bad girlfriend. I know as moms we want to think the best about our children, but at some point you have to realize that it's not about the people he is around, it's about him. Maybe you already know this, and it just came across wrong to me in your post. He is responsible for who he associates with. He's responsible for the decisions he makes, the language he uses, and whether or not he is having sex. Those are not choices that his friends are making for him. I just wanted to add that in because I think it's important that when you speak with him that you not put the blame off onto other people (friends, girlfriend). It's all on him, his choices, his responsibilities, and he needs to know that. If you shuffle the blame off to other people, he will as well. Again, maybe I took this the wrong way, and you don't do this at all when speaking with him, and if that's the case then my apologies for being presumptuous.

I think though that given the issues that you are dealing with him, that it would be a good idea to seek professional help. He may need to talk someone, or need a medication adjustment, or need another evaluation all together. Things tend to look a bit different sometimes in children after puberty hits.

Good luck and big hugs, these kids can be so hard sometimes. Hang in there mom!

I dont think i should ignore the porn on his computer and the fool language he uses out there. (this language is even cencured by this own site!! i cant even type it out! ) if that is what you are telling me, I guess i do need a forum that has a higher standarts of what is right and wrong.

I didn't mean you to ignore the porn and the language, but (and I do not mean to put down your beliefs in any shape or form) he may just need some non-religous sex education. He may be confused, exploring or even gay, and he should know that it's ok to feel that way.

To some people, myself included, a 14yr old wanting to look at porn and swearing(even the really offensive stuff) sounds pretty normal and healthy. That's not say it should be allowed in the house. At a guess I think he's probably just discovered masturbation and if he thinks its wrong then he'll think that he's a 'bad' kid and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and he’ll become a bad kid in other areas.

I think a family counselor would be the way to go at this point.

LadyM: Thank you :) You are very right about everything being his choices when he is out there with his friends! that is why I give him consequences for every bad choices he makes (the ones i know about anyway) and he knows not to blame others! The reason i feel he is only "bad" with others, is that he is a very well behave, nice, loving, respectufl teenager at home. We have 3 other younger children and he is a great big brother to them as well. Its very hard for me to understand why he can be so good at home and so bad whenever i am not around. He did tell me, however, that he so need to be COOL and make his friends laugh that he basically dont care about rules when he is in those moments. I asked him what he wanted the most in life, as a person, what he thinks he needs the most. I thought he'd say "to feel understood or "loved" but he said without hesitation "to be popular". He end up hanging out with the "popular" kids at school that are only popular because of the trouble they get into! I cant control what he is doing out there.... but those friends are never allowed here in my house.

He has been seen a councellor and even his councellor dont understand why he is so easily influenced and the horrible choices he makes when he is with certain type of kids. He gives all the right answers, seem very sincere and open... yet turn around and act the total opposite way when there is no adult reminding him every minute not to do this or that.

Rapid: Thank you. We have been thru the porn thing and sex talk a lot the past few years. First time we realised that he did and found porn pictures on his computer, i think as parents we had the perfect reaction we could of had. We calmly talked to him about sex, fake sex, how porn give the wrong ideas etc etc We never put him down for looking and my huband had the "big" sex talk with him. Sex is not taboo in this house. Nick always been into girls haha but my husband told him one day "are you sure you like girls and not guys? " he was insulted. One of his major thing right now is to put down homosexuals, using the word Fag and gay left and right. Which i find unacceptable. He is all into the sex words talks, writing "seman" and "orgasm" on his myspace as a background. I think most parents would be totally in shock. Yet i keep an open mind and "understanding" mode.
It amazes me, to be honest, how teenage boys talk and act these days... all around me, wherever we go... 12, 13, 14 yo boys acting like they are 18 and talking such foolishness, thinking they are cool... being totally disrespectufl. I see my son going that route and i DONT want it!

At a guess I think he's probably just discovered masturbation and if he thinks its wrong then he'll think that he's a 'bad' kid and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and he’ll become a bad kid in other areas.


the masturbation comment made me LOL. My husband is very open (sometimes i think too much) and nick sure know that masturbation is not wrong. sometimes i wonder if my husband comments dont make nick think that all that sex non sense is totally normal.

To some people, myself included, a 14yr old wanting to look at porn and swearing(even the really offensive stuff) sounds pretty normal and healthy. That's not say it should be allowed in the house. At a guess I think he's probably just discovered masturbation and if he thinks its wrong then he'll think that he's a 'bad' kid and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and he’ll become a bad kid in other areas.One of those some people would be me, I must admit. My former stepsons always came to me and spoke freely, because they could speak to nobody else without fear of recriminations or misunderstandings.

I have to admit, one thing that came to my mind upon rereading this thread is it would be helpful to me if I knew what type of ADHD this young man had been diagnosed with. There is such a thing as "high stimulation seeking" in some types of ADHD. The strong language as a background at MySpace might qualify as a high-stim situation for this particular young man, IMHO.

This parent (me) would not be totally in shock for the record ;). Then again I am one of those information hounds about ADHD and other nuerodiversities. To my way of thinking this is beginning to look like what Stabile would call this man's "model of ADHD". Puberty requires that old model be re-evaluated, and I have had to do the same with my 10 year old Kid (female). BDH has been confused and sometimes appalled at her recent behavioral changes, and its always me who has to create the model and then present it in a manner that someone with brain-damage can comprehend.

My life is not the norm, though. Good luck OP and keep posting here! Its a great place :) and please don't forget to post in Spirituality for support on your feelings too. You are entitled to them, after all, same as all of us.

Crazy :cool: (Go, Concerta, go! Hard time to type without that methyl coursing through my veins!)

I had somewhat of the same problem when I was a teenager, always being influenced by my friends. Two things completely turned my life around: my Mom kicked me out of her house and made me live with my Dad (about a half hour away) at first I hated her for it but now that I am older I understand why she did it. Obviously while living with my Dad I have to make all new friends and I got away from the bad influences. The other thing that changed my life is that I went to counseling, that is when we discovered that I have ADD, Severe Depression and Anxiety. It took a long time and a lot of patience from my parents to turn me around but my life is soo much better now and I cant even imagine where I would be today if I didnt get help. The second thing that helped me was that I went to counseling for many years, although it did take a long time to find the right counselor for me.

I am not saying that you should move but just remember to stay strong, he may hate you now for what you are doing but he will thank you will all of his heart in the future.

You mentioned that he is into computers. You might try a different approach. Downloading porn is the best way to get all sorts of virus, trojans and spyware onto your hard drive. Usually to the point that the whole hard drive will have to be reconfigured (thus causing him to lose EVERYTHING he's got on there, games, music and homework included). Basically, it's not the porn that's this issue here, but the damaging secret software that porn sites attach to hack individual computers and track them for better advertising.

My mom sends along this advice: "A kid that age is trying to figure out who they are, a lot harder task now than when we were kids. In this, some fights are worth fighting and some aren't. I don't fight what color her [my little sister mentioned about] hair is if it means the bigger fights (drugs, grades, sex, etc) don't show up."

Hi happymama!

It must be very difficult, especially since you're working so much with your son, to watch him make not the best choices.

The influence that his friends have over him sounds to me like he might have a lack of self-confidence.

Does he like sports? is he into music at all?
What I'm getting at is this:
If you can get him into more extracurricular activities where he can meet a variety of people, I highly suggest it. The extracurricular activities also will keep him away from the computer and away from the friends who have a bad influence over him.
Plus, he expends energy and learns new stuff. Some possibilities: tae kwon do, soccer, learning to play a musical instrument (guitar, perhaps?!), etc.
If/when he excels at other things he will (most likely) gain more confidence as well.

I'm with ladym regarding the computer. You have given him 2 chances and he has broken your trust on both of those chances.
but, I think that the computer is your big key.

Behavior not going to change unless the consequences are effective. If the consequences don't change your son's behavior, then you need to try other consequences.

Suggestions/Ideas:
after the grounding from computer is done, you could use the computer as positive reinforcement (rewarding appropriate behavior). The big thing with positive reinforcement is to catch him at his best and make sure to acknowledge the appropriate behavior. Use positive reinforcement to increase behavior you want to see more of.
You could acknowledge appropriate behavior by allowing him computer time (monitored). For instance, you could give him 5 minutes of computer time every time you catch him exhibiting appropriate behavior (clearly tell him the appropriate behavior you are looking for). The only way for him to get computer time is for him to get caught exhibiting appropriate behavior.

My brother has lots of issues, to help my mom and dad deal with him in the best way possible they started to see a counselor. The counselor helps them figure out the best ways to deal with him and provides my parents with an outlet to let go of the issues by talking about them and dealing with them.

Another suggestion: you could have a behavior analyst observe your son and make recommendations on what to do. I highly recommend this. I am a behavior analyst, I can give ideas on what to try, but when a behavior analyst talks with you and your son and observes your son he/she can give more concrete recommendations.

I wish you the best, happymama!

Courtney

Okay, I thought I would post my 2C here. I am not a parent, so, if you want to discredit everything I say, I completely understand. But, having been a teenager, I remember that feeling of trying to explore my sexuality. My mom told me that masturbation is a very healthy way of saying that you care about yourself and your needs, because, it means you care about meeting your needs. Also, it is safe, you can't get yourself or someone else pregnant and you can't get STD's from it.

At that age, it seems that he might be going through that stage of wanting to be alone a lot to explore this fun facet of life. Also, I remember both of my brothers going through a porn stage at that age, my parents reacted as if it was a normal teenage thing, and, they both, to my knowledge grew out of it, they are both successful men in happy marriages now.
I even asked my mom what the male genitalia looked like, she bought me a playgirl and I was extremely greatful to overcome the shock of it's looks alone.

Anyway, maybe you should take him to counseling to make sure that this is just normal teen stuff and to give him someone he can talk to. My personal hunch is that it is a phase. Maybe he is just a highly sexual person.

You need to get him focused on his strengths as a person. Then find extracuricular activities that build on those strengths. He needs to be busy outside of school working on positive things. Sports, computer club, whatever.

I would definately supervise his computer use 100% of the time.

The main problem with teenagers (and kids even up in their early 20s) is that they do not understand the consequences of their actions. (that is why they make good soldiers, but that is another story) You really need to get him to think about how he needs to be responsible for his decisions. Going a little crazy to have fun as a teenager is OK, but it can go too far. (obviously)

Thanks everyeone,
I really appreciate your input!

The sex is not what bothers me the most. I know our world and i know hormones.
I just worry because he has a amazing lack of control, lack of responsability etc. I just didnt expect to have to deal with the "is he going to protect himself" and "is he going to get a girl pregnant" now!!! I have to tell him everything. There is now ay he'd get to school with all his books if i was not around to remind him of everything!
i feel like im letting my child go on a plane that has 5 parachutes and 10 people on it and the plane is 100% going to crash.
I dont want to be too severe on him. We talk about all of this. Sex, all of it. Its not the porn or the bad language that is shocking to me, its how i feel if i dont stop him, im sending him into the lion's den.

A lot of important words have been said here, but I want to focus on the main issues.

I do not believe he is on the best medication for him or the dose is wrong.
I tried 6 medications before I had two I could live with. Getting the exact dose right is very very difficult, especially in a adolescent.

Since your son changes radically when he is away from home and i know this is hard to except; but he is probably doing recreational drugs. You can save yourself a lot of time and money by just going to Walgreens and buying a drug test. Having your son take a drug test is a very firm way of saying you will not put up with drug behavior.

My sons behavior was simular to yours, proper medication and some hard life lessons made the difference.

Good Luck,

Tom

Yeah, from the non-parent perspective, I know when I, as a teen, was acting that way, I was doing things I shouldn't be doing. My mom sent me to boarding school, that straightened me out real quick.

On the sex front, just be really honest and open with him. I remember everyone thought my mom was so cool because she would talk about sex. But, she told me that she didn't condone me having sex, but, if I was to do it, she would rather I be protected than be doing it behind her back unprotected. So, when the time was right, I told her, and she had me go down and get protection. You know, I was the only one of all my friends who graduated from high-school with never having had an STD and/or never having been pregnant. I tell you all this because, I really credit my mom for being so open and so firm. She helped me be the responsible person that I am.

thank you guys so much
I am very open with my son... in fact his friends all think im so cool....
it never crossed my mind that he could smoke pot etc.... maybe i just dont want to belive? i will buy that drug test....
we had a few very good talk since i posted this... the computer is away until school starts back and he will use it primarely for school for a while. He agreed... he knows he cant control himself.

Maybe his dosage needs to be increased? I behaved similarly when I was a kid. Angel at home and cussing like a sailor as I stepped out the door. These behaviors/friends sound like they might be exciting to him. Risky behavior is one of our trademarks! IMO maybe he needs more dopamine?