I believe this question has already been asked, but in a different context. This applies a bit more to Aspergers/Autism than ADHD, but I will ask it here anyway. Who here absolutely hates encountering people that he/she knows unexpectedly? Especially at home (not for reasons of having a messy house, either)?

I have always hated when people I know unexpectedly show up at my house. Actually, I hate it when people come over to my house in general. When I say my house, I really mean my parents house (as I am 20 and still live at home, unfortunately). What may seem hypocritical to many is that I seem to have no problem walking into another person's house without even nocking (only if they don't mind, of course), but I totally dispise of anyone even thinking about coming over.

The way that I see it is this. When I am at home, I am at home for a reason. That reason is to lock myself in my room so that I don't have to deal with other people. When I am tired of being locked in my 9' x 12' prison, I leave and I may or may not decide to see one of my friends. The whole point is that when one comes to my home unexpectedly, it completely defeats the purpose of me being at home. If I wanted to deal with people, I wouldn't be there. I try not to sound angry, but I am sure that my friends have seen a bit of my attitude relating to them intruding on my introverted state.

I have noticed this rationale concerning my father as well. Even though I have never known him very well, I have never seen anyone arrive at his house to see him. Not once. In the three years total that I was seeing him biweekly (on saturday and sunday), I have never seen any relatives ever arrive at his house, planned or unplanned. Everytime he corrosponded with relatives (which was rare), it was always him travelling to their home, not vice versa.

Even if it is not at home, I still do not like unexpected encounters. Even simply going to the store, I always analyze the probablility of someone showing up in the same place. I have a tendency to drive a bit farther to go to a store because those are places where I am less likely to have an unexpected encounter.

Anyone else ever have any issues such as this?

Not to the severity you are describing.

For me, it is annoying if I want to be doing one thing and am forced to pay attention to someone I don't want to pay attention to... i.e. on the bus reading a really good book, and a friend sees me and wants to chitchat for the whole ride, and doesn't seem to get that I really want to read the book right now...

I am a bit similar to high functioning, or used to be to that severity.
I have a lot of EXPECTED visitors do to the nature of my buisness. (Teaching music)
But I do not have unexpected visitors, only my sons neighborhood friends.
I am annoyed when I am expected to suddenly switch gears and have even turned away friends sternly, yet letting them know I did like to see them, just call first. Sometimes by the time it took to tell them how I felt I was semi adjusted to their intrusion, so the visit would happen. As a musician I would be dragged off to some party or Jam. If I resisted I (occasionally) would later wish I just went.
Even when my students arrive I am slightly anxious as I know I will be disrupted at any moment.
I usually don't like to see people I know at the convienience store, but I don't mind at the larger supermarket.
I think the issue for me is the intrusion and the inability/or refusal to switch gears.
Janine

I am the same as well. While with hindsight a lot of these encoutners are great and we have fun (plus a lot of the time it means effortless socialising, i.e. don't need to bother making the first step, ringing, arranging dates and places to meet etc.), I do quite badly dislike these spontaneous visits, or bumping into people when I am out to do something else (like shopping).

Apart from the fact that I usually don't recognise them immediately out of the setting that I know them from, I often keep such encounters very brief (must appear rude!), don't know what to say (even more so than when I expect to meet them!), sometimes try to avoid them (if I spot them before they spot me, which is rare).

I hate people ringing when I don't expect them to and I can't stand people dropping by spontaneously :(

When I bump into them while shopping etc. then usually I keep it to "Hello" and walk off, would never think of stopping for a chat or even saying something like "Hey let's grab a coffee" or something like that!

Thanks for this insightful thread, Highfunctioning.....Yes please do not show up at my home uninvited.....and in fact, even if invited, the anticipation of people coming over is slightly anxiety provoking for me.......Please do not stay long:( :(

Running into people I know unexpectedly on the "streeet" or in a "mall" or something....equally yucky....My first thought is ALWAYS "have I gained weight since they last saw me"....or "how does my hair look"?

Sometimes if I do see someone I know and I don't think they have spotted me -- I will pass by them, walk straight ahead, and pretend I don't see them.....and PRAY they do the same.....what crappy social skills, I know....but it's the truth....

Agree with Paul with the bus thing. And on airplanes (and I do fly several times per year).....I tend to put out body language to person sitting beside me that says, "leave me alone...do not wish to talk to anyone except the stewardess when she asks me my beverage of choice".

It feels good to know that there are others out there who feel the same as me. I can't stand unexpected encounters, especially with those who at one time I disliked (this happens a lot at my job, since a lot of people who went to my HS work there). Even if I am close to someone, i'd much rather be aware of them meeting me. But the main thing that bothers me is not the idea of meeting people unexpectedly, but the fact that my social skills may not be as good & that may turn some people off.

& like Joan said, if i notice somebody before they notice me, I'll do my best to try avoiding them. I'll walk past them, pretend i don't see them & pray that they don't see me. It's pretty sad but true :(

Originally posted by HighFunctioning


Anyone else ever have any issues such as this?

Yes!

All the time. I'm part AS (not enough for a formal dx).

I don't like people and I certainly don't like being surprised. We have a rule that people ring before they come over otherwise I can't handle it and I'm always stressed worrying that someone will.

I hate going to the shops and seeing people there. I used to work in a bank and so everyone knew me wherever I went and I could never go to the shops in peace. I would actually drive out of the area to go shopping because I just didn't want to talk to people - it's different at work coz youget paid to do that.

I don't like surpises on the phone either so I got one of those phones with calling number display and that takes a bit of the stress off.

I think it's that when you are at home it's your space and you need to be able to choose who you invite into it.

I find that ADHD comorbid conditions express themselves in asymmetrical ways...

I need to hum or whistle while I work...
I can't tolerate others humming and whistling when I need to concentrate... I frequently need silence...

I think there is something interesting in that.

i need order and cleared surfaces to think straight...
I create clutter and chaos...

Originally posted by suupanova
But the main thing that bothers me is not the idea of meeting people unexpectedly, but the fact that my social skills may not be as good & that may turn some people off.

You hit the nail on the head. As much as I would love to socialize, I do not have the confidence to do so oftentimes. :(

What's worse is that I HAVE turned many people off because of my lack of conversational skills.

I think my impulsivity must be in overdrive. I do get those icky feeings, but not until the encounter is overwith. For me there are no steps between A) see someone with whom I am acquainted and B) shout and wave like a maniac. It is not until afterward, when the mental movie plays it back that I think, "Did I really say that?" I think I must be very irritating to others.:(

Originally posted by lilthingsADDup

What's worse is that I HAVE turned many people off because of my lack of conversational skills.

I've had people directly criticize me of this. Most people are not usually this direct, but some are. I remember having girls in school from several grades lower than me telling me directly that I didn't fit in very well with the friends that I had! I believe it was expressed like, "You don't fit in with your friends, do you?" (anonymous 4th grader) Of course, I was in 9th grade then, I believe.

The people I keep in touch with now are somewhat accepting of my lack of conversational skills (otherwise known as communication without purpose).

Stuff what people think! What makes it so important anyway? I know a lot of 'normal' people who are rude by choice and choose not to behave in a sociably acceptable manner so why do we have to stress out just coz we know we're not 'normal'? Give yourselves a break. So what if you don't fit in? If people can't see the value in you coz of a few missing social skills then it means they're not workth knowing!

On a more positive note, has anybody ever had an unexpected encounter that in the end, turned out to be a great experiece & even though you may have been nervous or afraid at first, you were glad it happened? I've had a few, can't remember off hand right now but i'm sure i had one here & there

Oh yeah suupanova, not sure if I mentioned that bu a lot of the time, if people drop by unexpectedly and they stay long enough for me to stop being grumpy, it turns out really nice. It's just when I bump into someone in town, then I don't have enough time to even remotely calm down inside, although with hindsight I do often find myself thinking "Oh it was nice to see so-and-so again"

Originally posted by Wheel1975
i need order and cleared surfaces to think straight...
I create clutter and chaos...

Ditto!

I am the same way about my home. It's stressful to have one's privacy often invaded. Home is a place to recharge and feel secure in.

People popping over unexpectedly used to be daily for me- and resulted in too many anxiety attacks. Not worth it!

I've found that this often works:

Asking my boyfriend not to let anyone come in if he answers the door (It's taken five years, but he's starting to get the idea). If your family is letting your friends in when you want to be left alone- maybe the same would help you.

And If I answer the door myself, I'll (sticking my head through the door) ask if they needed anything. If the unexpected/unwanted visitors just want to hang; I apologize but tell them that I was not expecting company, and give them a better time and date which I can anticipate. If this seems to bother them, I explain how my home is my sanctuary, and not to take it personally; and that calling first is better than just showing up at my door.

Friends can understand, and may at least try once they know how this makes you feel.

I'm poor company when socializing is unwanted and unexpected; so I find this is for the better in my case, anyway. I completely agree with tudorose- it's your space and you have a right to control who comes inside.

Hope it gets better!