Hello. I am on the verge of leaving my husband. There are so many issues in our marriage. He has a hard time with money (spending sprees, impulsive purchases, not paying bills on time, parking tickets that go unpaid until the car is towed, has blown HUGE amounts of money without explantion), and he has had inappropriate relationships with other women, he's kissed three different women during our marriage, maintained an online relationship with two prior and post the indescretion... I discovered this when he left his email open on my computer, it was our first year married and I was pregnant with our oldest son (now two) the other was an opportunity he took while he was away - he admitted to this one on his own - much later, while I was pressing him to come clean about whatever he's hidden from me (I was calling him a compulsive liar at the time, when he lied to me about an unneccesary purchase he made just a week before the babies birthday... at the same time I paid a huge cell phone bill that he was responsible for) and says that the opportunity to spend the night with her was there, but he was able to say no. Most recently he met a young woman while he was away, who then pursued him online. I also discovered this. He views porn daily. I don't have a problem with porn per se, can enjoy it myself - but the frequency/duration seem over the top. Also he lies, small and large. He has difficulty completeing tasks. He can't get through a book unless it is on cd/tape, will go into depressive/dark moods (more so prior to our marriage).

He is a successful musician/actor, receives a lot of attention from women, and travels a great deal - ususally weeks at a time with big chuncks of time doing nothing. We have two babies. He is about to go on the road for 9 months out of the year for two years begining this Fall. I'm afraid our marriage won't survibe this, but at the same time I'm looking forward to the separation, and relieved that he'll be making a steady income for once...

I am a special education teacher, I work almost exclusively with children that have LD and/or ADD/ADHD. Last night I made the connection with his ADD (which was diagnosed as a child, but not treated as an adult) and his behavior. Strangely I've used him as an example with many of my students as an example of a succesful person with ADD...

It seems insane to me that as a person who works withh ADD kids, I never saw his behavior connected to ADD, as though this was a problem only when he was a kid and he simply outgrew it when he no longer had to go to school...

I know that proper treatment includes medication, therapy and coaching, tailored diet, excercise... but with him on the road I don't see him getting the help he needs and he will also have frequent opportunities to repeat prior mistakes, and maybe this time even go beyond a kiss. I'm scared. I love him, I know he loves me... but can't subject myself to his cheating and his lies, despite his best intentions - and I do believe his intentions are good. We have a one and two year old, I'll be staying at home while he's on the road this year. Anticipating the final straw while he's away this time...

HELP!!!

So, impulsive spending/over spending, Loves porn, Loves Women, Women love him, A Risk Taker (Aren't all Musicians/Actors), Depressed moods, Can't finish a book unless it's an audio book, and lastly he married a teacher?? Say what?? :eek: And he married a special education teacher at that?? LOL :D

He doesn't have any idea how lucky he is that you are a special education teacher! I would say that your informal ADD diagnoses has hit the proverbial nail squarely on the head! :)

It sounds like you're the all important "Anchor" in the relationship little lady! :) I'm quite sure of that! :)

I really hate to admit this, (I wouldn't want all my new friends here to think badly of me) but everything you described sounds a lot like me before I finally got diagnosed with ADD when I was 30 years old! That's when my life turned completely around! Unfortunately it was after my divorce and also after I got so depressed that I couldn't even function enough to play in a band anymore! Sad but true! :o

Therefore act on your suspicions immediately! Do whatever you can to convince him to seek medication ASAP! Nothing good will come out of waiting! He's not going to want to listen to all this ADD crap you will be throwing out at him when he first hits the road, because it's PARTY TIME!!! But you must continue to try and convince him no matter how hard it is!

I'll bet if you tell him that the meds will help him focus on his playing and write much better music (much easier) he may be willing to take the ADD medications!

Ok, I've already said more than I probably should in public! If you would like to visit with me more, please feel free to PM me!

Oh yeah! And welcome to the ADD Forums! :)

Good Luck Angelfishtails! :)

I totally agree with the above reply.

Your husband sounds a lot like most of the add/adhder's in this forum prior to their getting a proper diagnosis and properly medicated. It's the same ole story. Just a different city and a different face.

Some of the good add/adhd characteristics include being creative, artistic, fearless, social butterflies, friendly, outgoing, advocates, outside the box thinkers. But along with the good, "sometimes" comes the "not so good" if not properly diagnosed and medicated. This includes self medicating with drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, spending. Many end up divorced, bankrupt, and there is a high rate of ending up in prison.

Your husband should consider himself very lucky that he has someone that cares about him and his well being.

I have adhd. Was diagnosed at 43 and currently take Adderall. My husband of 16 years has add. He was diagnosed at 45 and also takes Adderall. Since we both got medicated, our famiy life has gotten much much better. We don't all clash as much. We actually like being around each other now as a family. Prior to my husband getting medicated, I felt like I had twins. My husband and son would argue like kids. It was horrible. They would constantly be one upping each other. Both always had to have the last word.

My 13 year old son has adhd/ocd/mood disorder and learning disabilities. He takes Metadate, Respirdal, Zoloft and Clonidine. He was diagnosed in preschool because he was off the chart hyper and had major behavior issues. He is very artistic and creative. Even though he is still hyper, he can sit still for a long time drawing motorcycles and cars. I know that one day he will be like Jesse James on Monster Garage or like the Tuttles on American Chopper. (We have 2 Harley Shovelheads and he knows he gets one when he turns 16. Plus we have a old '47 car that he can't wait to drive.) My husband and son spend alot of time chopping up bicycles and making chopper bikes. They have a whole garage full. They get the bikes from the trash, garage sales or thrift stores. They are both very creative and medication has not stopped that, which is good.

My 15 year old daughter shows signs of adhd but has not yet been diagnosed or medicated. She has made honor roll every year since 3rd grade and makes good choices. She just got her driving permit so I am keeping an eye on her adhd symptoms and am considering getting her diagnosed.

When I told my add/adhd doctor about my daughter and my concerns, she said "If she does so well now and she's not medicated, just think about how well she can do if medicated." This would be the same type of advise for your husband.

You can start feeding him add/adhd info now, little by little. Perhaps get books and articles that he can read while travelling. Perhaps make a list of famous add/adhd actors and musicians. More than likely, a lightbulb will go off in his head and he'll say "Hey, that sounds just like me."

Or....

You can wait until your two kids are older and are entering school. Since the apple does not fall far from the tree, they might also show signs of add/adhd. If they are hyper and have behavior issues, you will know in a year or two prior to their entering school. When you are trying to find a babysitter because they got kicked out of every daycare and preschool in town. (Sorry....that's my story again.)

Anyway, if your kids end up having add/adhd issues, and you have not addressed your husband's issues, you might already be divorced. You can let the kids go stay with their dad for a weekend (or a day) because that's probably all that he will be able to handle if he's still not medicated. He will then see first hand.

Now I know that you think that was a far fetched idea but it could definitely happen.

Even if your husband doesn't come around, atleast you have a heads up on what to look for in your kids as they grow older. They are very lucky also. Since you are a Special Ed teacher, you already know that the sooner these types of challenges are addressed, the better success rate for the child (and adult).

Good luck.

Both the above posts are great responses. I just want to point out that this guy *already has* an ADD diagnosis from childhood.

Hi Angelfishtales,

This is such a difficults situation, I can almost hear your heart flipping over from here. There are two ways to go with this, no wait, three as far as I can see

1) insist that he get some help with his disorder: diagnosed and meds prescribed before he goes on long term party mode, as seek suggests.

If he refuses or wangles out of it you can have 2 more options...

2) if you've told him how you feel and made him aware that his seeking treatment is a contingency for your continued marriage, then you will likely want to leave at this point and make your promise good. (be sure you mean it though)

3) you can choose to arrange things so that you are not financially/emotionally implicated from his behaviour. Or do your best, and see how that goes. That means that you would have to accept him as he is and simply live your life and enjoy whatever togetherness you can considering his untreated disorder.

4) I guess you could do nothing also, just in case you hadn't decided on anything before he leaves, and see how your feelings change/develop during his absence.

I dont' think anything is lost from you laying down your issues however, with him, point blank.

I understand that you both love each other however you are loving each other from different worlds and I guess that is either something you will both need to accept or both need to change.

Why aren't some things easy??? I wish this was one....I really hope this works out for you, it would be sad I think to lose someone you love.

crime scene

Hi AngelFishTails,

Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I have no ADVICE for you, but I did want to comment about what a wonderful woman you must be. I don't know why nobody has said this yet - but having ADHD (or PTSD, OCD, TMJ . . . WHATEVER) is not an EXCUSE for behaving dishonorably in a marriage!!! (Just my opinion, of course - but be sure - it is the CORRECT one ;) )

Wishing you all the best! Don't be a dormat. And being a stand-up person WILL payoff!

Your Sistah in the States,
Sue

Your husband sounds a lot like most of the add/adhder's in this forum prior to their getting a proper diagnosis and properly medicated. It's the same ole story. Just a different city and a different face.Boy I am sure glad you posted adhdxyz! :) I was feeling really insecure about admitting to any bad deeds or mistakes in the past! I really am a good, moral, and ethical person! And forgiving myself is, and always has been a difficult thing to overcome.

However, after being diagnosed I "do" now forgive myself! I just don't expect others to "forgive" or "look beyond" my past mistakes or indiscretions! Therefore, I am always apprehensive about sharing too much with other people about certain touchy topics!

People almost always will take the "Moral High ground" if given 1/2 a chance! Which I think maybe is partly due to people's competitive nature, partly due to their religious beliefs, and partly due to their own life experiences! Unfortunately, many people cannot see that life is not just black and white, their are millions of shades of grey in between!

Therefore, when someone else bellies up to the bar and admits that they too have not always been "perfect" (Or that humans are not perfect?) rather than taking the easy way out by not admitting to any wrong-doing at all, or by taking the typical "Moral High ground"! I always feel compelled to compliment that person on their openness and honesty!

So, Thank You! :)

Peace :)

Since day one, I have always told my son that I don't expect him to be perfect. Because if he were perfect, he'd be God. I tell him to try and do his best.

My ADD/now medicated husband has a checkered past. Looking back at all the things that he (and his 7 unmedicated brothers did), it was all add/adhd related.

None of them ever spent time in jail or killed anybody (which really surprises me.) They were the "burn outs" on the short yellow bus. They were fearless, bored, self medicated with drugs and alcohol, skipped school, planted pot plants in their own backyard, sold pot "cigarettes" at school, had wild parties when their parents left. (I would have left too if I had 8 boys. Whether they were ADD or not. And I probably wouldn't have come back. No... I am SURE I wouldn't have come back.)

My husband was like one credit shy of graduating high school and he refused to go to summer school for the credit. He never got his GED or diploma. (Alot of his friends didn't graduate either.) He thinks back now what a mistake that was. Luckily he makes more money in Construction than alot of people I know that went to college make in their jobs.

My son and daughter are very fortunate because we are able to give them advise that we know works. It's not something we read in a book. We experienced it.

We know people that have lost their families, jobs, houses, etc... due to drugs and alcohol. (I wonder if they were properly diagnosed and medicated?) We know people who have committed suicide. (Undiagnosed? Or did they quit taking their meds? Who knows?) We know a guy who squats on his front porch rocking back and forth at the age of 48 because when he was younger he drank everything he could get his hands on, including rubbing alcohol. We know people in prison because they didn't think before doing things. When we tell the kids stories, we are able to put a face with a name in the story. (Prisons are full of add/adhd'ers who weren't properly diagnosed or medicated.)

Again, nobody is perfect. I definitely wouldn't have much in common with somebody that always walked the straight and narrow line. Even though I went to Catholic school for 12 years and have a good job that I have been at for 26 years, I hang around with alot of people that look "shady". Some are...but most aren't. (They are just a little hairy and dirty.) :)

Like the saying goes: "If you keep doing what you are doing, you'll keep getting what you are getting." If it isn't working, change it. It's never too late to try.

BTW Angelfishtales, is your nickname a children's storybook or something?

It reminds me of something, and I can't put my finger on it! :)

Thank you all for the responses... Its been tough lately, but productive. We were able to find someone we both feel good about. This psychiatrist wasn't taking new patients as he's easing out of clinical practice... but decided to take the case on - he's a professor (at a top law school and medical school), he's published, and his politics are right on. They'll meet twice for two, two hour sessions and then do the thearapy over the phone while hubby's away. feeling really hopeful...

I don't know why "angelfishtales" would be familiar... I made it up. Wonder what it reminds you of. It would be a good title for a YA series, hmmm...

angelfishtales,

this sounds like a very positive step forward...hope things keep going in that direction!

cs

I guess angelfishtales sounds like a book publishing company to me!

You know.... Another fine children's book from angelfishtales! hehe :)

Have a nice day! :)