THADDEUS
08-03-06, 05:07 PM
I've had ADD my whole life. :( It started in grammar school. My teachers realized it would be a problem so my parents sent me to a learning disability school called “Windward” for junior high school. The teachers were abusive disciplinary mongers who would have been considered proficient teachers a hundred years ago at some nunnery in Pennsylvania. Quick to punish and shame, they rattled the self-esteem out of the most brazen hyperactive child thus reinforcing any negative self fulfilling prophecies. I learned a number of acronyms, mnemonic devices and other learning gimmicks, but most of all I learned to hate myself. I then went on to Catholic boy’s school, or what I consider purgatory. I failed at sports because I had no idea what was going on and you could see my ribs from all the Ritalin I was taking. I looked like a Holocaust victim on a hunger strike. When I was on the field I looked like a retard running around with his pants on fire, so I quit sports. I quit everything. I just felt so stupid all the time. Everyone made fun of me and beat me up. I hated that school… So my parents put me in another Catholic school. I started doing drugs and drinking alcohol because I found abusing substances was an easy way to fit in.
When I went to college, the Ritalin didn’t work anymore because I started snorting it all he time. I was on drugs, I had ADD, I was failing all my classes, I would violently attack people if they insulted me in the slightest way, everyone thought I was a psycho(the nervous ticks didn’t help either!) so I transferred out of that school and went to film school because I thought ADD just means you’re really creative! I focused on drawing, creative writing, and photography and playing my guitar and to hell with everyone else. As my hopes of becoming an artist or a musician slowly waned after various disappointments socially and academically, I felt myself falling into a deep, deep, dark, black depression. I could no longer open my mouth to talk to anyone. It was like my mouth was glued shut.:confused: I couldn’t concentrate. The ADD coupled with depression destroyed me. I was drinking caffeine and taking St. Johns Wart all day like a fiend. I decided to see a psychiatrist before I put a gun to my head and he put me on Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin helped a little and I was able to focus better but shame a failure perpetuated my angst so nothing was resolved behaviorally. I don’t know why god cursed me with this diseased mind of burning electromagnetic cerebral chaos. :mad:
Alcohol was my only escape from this world.:faint: There was just no where to go! I just couldn’t deal with the anguish of not fitting in socially and all the stupid mistakes. College Professors are brutal. I wanted to take them all out one by one like the ****ing terminator! Then I graduated from college and moved back home to New York.
I started taking 3D animation classes because I found that I might have a chance at actually having a career in the arts. :eyebrow: All I needed to do was sit in front of a computer, not talk to anyone, zone out for a few hours and build strange things in 3D and I was all about zoning out. I went through about four years of depression, anxiety, isolation, alcoholism, drug addiction, bull**** manual labor jobs, horrible embarrassing job interviews and awkward dating experiences. I wasn’t making any money as a film maker or an animator and when I was 26 my dad was like, “I’m getting you a job down at the brokerage firm, enough of this art crap!” I made so many mistakes at this brokerage firm.:eek: I was completely disorganized and everyone hated me, but somehow I managed to get my series 7(registered brokers exam) It took me 4 times longer then normal to study for it. Everyone would come up to me and ask me,” oh you’re still studying? You’re still studying?” I worked there for two years then I lost my job and I was living on unemployment. I had no insurance so I stopped taking the Wellbutrin cold turkey because I couldn’t afford it(this was stupid).
A few months later I got a job on a commercial doing some 3D work and I thought it was my ticket out of the dull monotonous detail oriented financial field. A few days into the job, I had a severe nervous/depressive break down. My thoughts suddenly became OVERLOADED with shame, guilt, anxiety, thoughts of suicide, anger, irritability and self-hatred. I ran off the job and the guy I was working for kept leaving me messages on my cell phone saying, “what the hells wrong with you! You’re ****ing this up! You’re not getting paid for this, you ****ed me!” And I really didn’t mean to, my mind just collapsed. For about a month after that incident I would start breathing heavy every time I heard the phone ring. I didn’t want to leave my bed. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t even look at a computer. My computer used to be in my bed room. I had to move it out so I could sleep at night. I would get panic attacks when I went near it. Excruciatingly painful thoughts were racing through my head. I couldn’t speak. I had this strange delusion or some kind of strange hallucination that my consciousness was separate from my physical body. I jumped every time I heard a loud noise. I can’t even describe the feeling in full detail. This lasted about a month until I started taking my medication again.
I finally got a new job at a large financial company with a pretty good salary and benefits. I don’t know how I pulled it off. I was desperate for work and I staged a good show during the interview. I’m back on the meds, stable(for now) and still ticking but its strange… That nervous breakdown revealed to me the painfull truth; truths that I was ignoring for years. It’s like my subconscious broke through into my conscious mind to force me to wake up. I think you loose introspective ability on medication because it numbs the soul. I had all this anxiety built up and I was looking for a release so I signed up for this method acting class to help express myself. I found the class emotionally taxing and frustrating and I hated the teacher, who I associated with merciless authority figures from the past; people who I avoid and hate(teachers, parents, bosses, THE AUTHORITATIVE ENEMY) The class was painful but what they teach is awareness of bottled up emotional energy, you’re Freudian defense mechanisms, and subconsciously driven behaviors. Details are something that people with ADD overlook because they are always too busy over analyzing something else; usually their own confusion. This class, as well as various self help and psychology books, taught me to look past the confusion and focus on behavior.
People with ADD acquire various mal-adjusted behaviors and coping mechanisms over the years. They make excuses, they’re sneaky, they pretend they are listening when they are not; they hide their emotions because they are always angry. (you know the deal) “What’s wrong man?” “oh I’m just tired” mean while, you really want to rape, kill and torture every human within a hundred mile radius like a devil incarnate, embodied as an American soldier in a humble Vietnamese village packing Signori weaver’s flamethrower/machine gun from “Aliens.” (I don’t know, maybe that’s just me) Going back to what I was saying, “people with ADD like to blame EVERYONE ELSE, set themselves up for failure, worry about what other people are doing, over compensate, day dream and have delusions of grandeur. I could go on and on but if anyone wanted to get in touch with me and ask about some of the methods, mechanisms and principle behaviors I’ve created to counter act the long term/short term self defeating behaviors of ADD drop me and email. I’ve learned so much about this illness in my life just from dealing with my own problems. I have knowledge and wisdom that I’d love to share with people. I hope one day to write a book about harnessing the inner genius of the dysfunctional ADDinite.
I hate when people say, “ADD… Oh I have a little of that sometimes, we all do.” Shut up no you don’t. Sometimes people can’t concentrate or they make mistakes but this isn’t ADD. ADD is a horrible mental illness and the secondary comorbid disorders can be exacerbated by over stimulating environments which may seem normal to most people. Not learning how to cope with ADD can change someone with a lot of potential into a reclusive, dysfunctional, melancholic. It’s so sad. I know because I’ve been one of them and at 29, I’m just learning how to deal with this problem.
But hey, you can’t change the past. I’m finding it so hard to get over this. I can’t help getting angry over the past. I find myself persistently brooding over lost time and I can’t shut my mind off. I’m on Lexipro, Wellbutrin, I’m going to AA and seeing a therapist. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to have to live with my demons forever. The lacerations on my soul will never heal. My memories of missed opportunities and past mistakes ruminate over and over inside my mind. As for Drugs and alcohol, it doesn’t help anything, its only going to make things worse, so don’t even waste you’re time. Let normal people mess their lives up with that.
I really want to build a time machine to go back to my past and change things but I’m afraid it would just be a waste of time. If I build a time machine and meet my old self somewhere, 12 years ago and tell my self everything I know now, my old self probably wouldn’t listen. Plus I also don’t need the aggravation of dealing with my adolescent self from the past. I was a nasty, stubborn little ******* and IF my young self did write everything down I would probably loose the notes anyway so what’s the use. :p
The thing I did learn about ADD after all these years, is that I’ve over compensated for my weakness in other areas. It would be wise to identify these areas and bind them together to give you’re self an edge, then choose one profession where you’re new mechanisms can be applied. I think school is a trap for people with ADD. I think people with ADD do better outside of the education system. We all have alternate cognitive abilities we just have to learn where to apply them and the education system in the US isn’t the place.
Youth is gone forget if, you didn’t know any better, just consider this the next stage in you’re life. And don’t let it happen again, there’s not much more you can do. I’ll write more soon. I have a lot to say. This world is a **** factory and I can’t wait till it’s all over. After I die and I’m in heaven and its time to be reincarnated I’m going to sneak off the “TO BE BORN AGAIN LINE” and hang out and smoke cigarettes and play cards or something. I don’t want to be reincarnated. While I’m still in this life, I’m always going to be a musician and artist and a writer and no one can stop me not even my ADD. And one day I WILL direct my movies even if only for my eyes. :cool:
I’m glad I found this message board. For those people with ADD who made it through this post, I’ve very very proud of you. You have a vast attention span, I don’t even think I could get through it now that I’m finished writing it. Good luck to everyone with adult ADD and make sure you double check every thing before you consider it “finished.
PS:
I don’t like the story of the “Tortoise and the Hare” because its bull ****. The Tortoise doesn’t win in real life. The Hare runs faster then the Tortoise and the Tortoise winds up getting a ****ty job with the Tortoise standing over his shoulder screaming at him to work faster until the Tortoise has a nervous/depressive breakdown. I like MY version of the “Tortoise and the Hare” where the tortoise doesn’t win, but rather drops out of the hare’s ****ty race and becomes a rock star and does a lot of acid and makes millions of dollars. And all the other hares are working ****ty jobs and they’re like, “****, why didn’t I think of that. Now I’m going to be making 30 thousand dollars a year for the rest of my life.” That’s the story I like better. :D
Oh and another thing. Watch out for people who you think are you’re friends because they accept you’re faults. They might have their own problems that make them un attractive to other people and they cling to you because you accept there faults. There people aren’t really friends they are what I call mutual acceptors. It took me many years to figure this out. Some thing they don’t teach you in ****ing learning disable school but they should. Just something to think about. ;)
When I went to college, the Ritalin didn’t work anymore because I started snorting it all he time. I was on drugs, I had ADD, I was failing all my classes, I would violently attack people if they insulted me in the slightest way, everyone thought I was a psycho(the nervous ticks didn’t help either!) so I transferred out of that school and went to film school because I thought ADD just means you’re really creative! I focused on drawing, creative writing, and photography and playing my guitar and to hell with everyone else. As my hopes of becoming an artist or a musician slowly waned after various disappointments socially and academically, I felt myself falling into a deep, deep, dark, black depression. I could no longer open my mouth to talk to anyone. It was like my mouth was glued shut.:confused: I couldn’t concentrate. The ADD coupled with depression destroyed me. I was drinking caffeine and taking St. Johns Wart all day like a fiend. I decided to see a psychiatrist before I put a gun to my head and he put me on Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin helped a little and I was able to focus better but shame a failure perpetuated my angst so nothing was resolved behaviorally. I don’t know why god cursed me with this diseased mind of burning electromagnetic cerebral chaos. :mad:
Alcohol was my only escape from this world.:faint: There was just no where to go! I just couldn’t deal with the anguish of not fitting in socially and all the stupid mistakes. College Professors are brutal. I wanted to take them all out one by one like the ****ing terminator! Then I graduated from college and moved back home to New York.
I started taking 3D animation classes because I found that I might have a chance at actually having a career in the arts. :eyebrow: All I needed to do was sit in front of a computer, not talk to anyone, zone out for a few hours and build strange things in 3D and I was all about zoning out. I went through about four years of depression, anxiety, isolation, alcoholism, drug addiction, bull**** manual labor jobs, horrible embarrassing job interviews and awkward dating experiences. I wasn’t making any money as a film maker or an animator and when I was 26 my dad was like, “I’m getting you a job down at the brokerage firm, enough of this art crap!” I made so many mistakes at this brokerage firm.:eek: I was completely disorganized and everyone hated me, but somehow I managed to get my series 7(registered brokers exam) It took me 4 times longer then normal to study for it. Everyone would come up to me and ask me,” oh you’re still studying? You’re still studying?” I worked there for two years then I lost my job and I was living on unemployment. I had no insurance so I stopped taking the Wellbutrin cold turkey because I couldn’t afford it(this was stupid).
A few months later I got a job on a commercial doing some 3D work and I thought it was my ticket out of the dull monotonous detail oriented financial field. A few days into the job, I had a severe nervous/depressive break down. My thoughts suddenly became OVERLOADED with shame, guilt, anxiety, thoughts of suicide, anger, irritability and self-hatred. I ran off the job and the guy I was working for kept leaving me messages on my cell phone saying, “what the hells wrong with you! You’re ****ing this up! You’re not getting paid for this, you ****ed me!” And I really didn’t mean to, my mind just collapsed. For about a month after that incident I would start breathing heavy every time I heard the phone ring. I didn’t want to leave my bed. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t even look at a computer. My computer used to be in my bed room. I had to move it out so I could sleep at night. I would get panic attacks when I went near it. Excruciatingly painful thoughts were racing through my head. I couldn’t speak. I had this strange delusion or some kind of strange hallucination that my consciousness was separate from my physical body. I jumped every time I heard a loud noise. I can’t even describe the feeling in full detail. This lasted about a month until I started taking my medication again.
I finally got a new job at a large financial company with a pretty good salary and benefits. I don’t know how I pulled it off. I was desperate for work and I staged a good show during the interview. I’m back on the meds, stable(for now) and still ticking but its strange… That nervous breakdown revealed to me the painfull truth; truths that I was ignoring for years. It’s like my subconscious broke through into my conscious mind to force me to wake up. I think you loose introspective ability on medication because it numbs the soul. I had all this anxiety built up and I was looking for a release so I signed up for this method acting class to help express myself. I found the class emotionally taxing and frustrating and I hated the teacher, who I associated with merciless authority figures from the past; people who I avoid and hate(teachers, parents, bosses, THE AUTHORITATIVE ENEMY) The class was painful but what they teach is awareness of bottled up emotional energy, you’re Freudian defense mechanisms, and subconsciously driven behaviors. Details are something that people with ADD overlook because they are always too busy over analyzing something else; usually their own confusion. This class, as well as various self help and psychology books, taught me to look past the confusion and focus on behavior.
People with ADD acquire various mal-adjusted behaviors and coping mechanisms over the years. They make excuses, they’re sneaky, they pretend they are listening when they are not; they hide their emotions because they are always angry. (you know the deal) “What’s wrong man?” “oh I’m just tired” mean while, you really want to rape, kill and torture every human within a hundred mile radius like a devil incarnate, embodied as an American soldier in a humble Vietnamese village packing Signori weaver’s flamethrower/machine gun from “Aliens.” (I don’t know, maybe that’s just me) Going back to what I was saying, “people with ADD like to blame EVERYONE ELSE, set themselves up for failure, worry about what other people are doing, over compensate, day dream and have delusions of grandeur. I could go on and on but if anyone wanted to get in touch with me and ask about some of the methods, mechanisms and principle behaviors I’ve created to counter act the long term/short term self defeating behaviors of ADD drop me and email. I’ve learned so much about this illness in my life just from dealing with my own problems. I have knowledge and wisdom that I’d love to share with people. I hope one day to write a book about harnessing the inner genius of the dysfunctional ADDinite.
I hate when people say, “ADD… Oh I have a little of that sometimes, we all do.” Shut up no you don’t. Sometimes people can’t concentrate or they make mistakes but this isn’t ADD. ADD is a horrible mental illness and the secondary comorbid disorders can be exacerbated by over stimulating environments which may seem normal to most people. Not learning how to cope with ADD can change someone with a lot of potential into a reclusive, dysfunctional, melancholic. It’s so sad. I know because I’ve been one of them and at 29, I’m just learning how to deal with this problem.
But hey, you can’t change the past. I’m finding it so hard to get over this. I can’t help getting angry over the past. I find myself persistently brooding over lost time and I can’t shut my mind off. I’m on Lexipro, Wellbutrin, I’m going to AA and seeing a therapist. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to have to live with my demons forever. The lacerations on my soul will never heal. My memories of missed opportunities and past mistakes ruminate over and over inside my mind. As for Drugs and alcohol, it doesn’t help anything, its only going to make things worse, so don’t even waste you’re time. Let normal people mess their lives up with that.
I really want to build a time machine to go back to my past and change things but I’m afraid it would just be a waste of time. If I build a time machine and meet my old self somewhere, 12 years ago and tell my self everything I know now, my old self probably wouldn’t listen. Plus I also don’t need the aggravation of dealing with my adolescent self from the past. I was a nasty, stubborn little ******* and IF my young self did write everything down I would probably loose the notes anyway so what’s the use. :p
The thing I did learn about ADD after all these years, is that I’ve over compensated for my weakness in other areas. It would be wise to identify these areas and bind them together to give you’re self an edge, then choose one profession where you’re new mechanisms can be applied. I think school is a trap for people with ADD. I think people with ADD do better outside of the education system. We all have alternate cognitive abilities we just have to learn where to apply them and the education system in the US isn’t the place.
Youth is gone forget if, you didn’t know any better, just consider this the next stage in you’re life. And don’t let it happen again, there’s not much more you can do. I’ll write more soon. I have a lot to say. This world is a **** factory and I can’t wait till it’s all over. After I die and I’m in heaven and its time to be reincarnated I’m going to sneak off the “TO BE BORN AGAIN LINE” and hang out and smoke cigarettes and play cards or something. I don’t want to be reincarnated. While I’m still in this life, I’m always going to be a musician and artist and a writer and no one can stop me not even my ADD. And one day I WILL direct my movies even if only for my eyes. :cool:
I’m glad I found this message board. For those people with ADD who made it through this post, I’ve very very proud of you. You have a vast attention span, I don’t even think I could get through it now that I’m finished writing it. Good luck to everyone with adult ADD and make sure you double check every thing before you consider it “finished.
PS:
I don’t like the story of the “Tortoise and the Hare” because its bull ****. The Tortoise doesn’t win in real life. The Hare runs faster then the Tortoise and the Tortoise winds up getting a ****ty job with the Tortoise standing over his shoulder screaming at him to work faster until the Tortoise has a nervous/depressive breakdown. I like MY version of the “Tortoise and the Hare” where the tortoise doesn’t win, but rather drops out of the hare’s ****ty race and becomes a rock star and does a lot of acid and makes millions of dollars. And all the other hares are working ****ty jobs and they’re like, “****, why didn’t I think of that. Now I’m going to be making 30 thousand dollars a year for the rest of my life.” That’s the story I like better. :D
Oh and another thing. Watch out for people who you think are you’re friends because they accept you’re faults. They might have their own problems that make them un attractive to other people and they cling to you because you accept there faults. There people aren’t really friends they are what I call mutual acceptors. It took me many years to figure this out. Some thing they don’t teach you in ****ing learning disable school but they should. Just something to think about. ;)