Hi

im glad 2 find somewhere 2 post about add
my gf has add - she had used drugs in the past & still has close friendships with the group from those times, gf is not using drugs any more (long rehab)
sometimes i think her friendships are more importan than her being with me!
i am finding the relationship v tough going - my gf is unmotivated and picks fights a lot of the time, i read here that is symptoms of add...
i think i have to give an ultimatum soon - get meds or we quit (or afraid no hope)
just i don't know whether even meds will solve all the problems
i feel left out...

anyone had similar problems or can give advice
don't want to lose gf but she seems stuck and 2 stubborn 2 change

mangoes

Hi mangoes,

well everyone is different of course, but I think a lot of the time with unmedicated ADD, activities have a LOT to do with the need for stimulation.

it's not that any activity or person is not worth doing or being with but at the time, if something/body else has a higher novelty/stimulation quotient that will be highly attractive.

with the assumption that your gf is fully aware of her add, or even that some of her actions or nonactions are upsetting to you, it is up to her, in spite of her nonmedicated self, to take steps to improve the situation.

that is her half of the bargain I would guess, and the other part is how you decide to involve yourself with learning more about ADD, the associated behaviours and how you can contibute to a better relationship too.

this website is a huge encyclodpaedia of add issues and concerns..when you browse through some of the relationship issues of adders and nonadders alike you will see that many issues are very common and some coping strategies as well.

One good book that I loved very much was by Jonathan Halverstadt called ADD and Romance. I credit that book which was the 2nd one I found with really getting a picture of how the ADD person likely feels towards their partner.

the most important thing to realize that nonattention does not mean that you are less valuable or less loved to the ADD person, it just means that at that moment, something else felt very stimulating. Fighting is very stimulating too.

many ADD folks are spontaneous people and live in the right now, and their judgements are also in the right now, and may often not consider long term consequences because that information is not available to them at the time they make the decision, due to the way the ADD brain works or in this case, doesn't work. It's not deliberate or willfully to hurt you at all.

sometimes meds can improve this, however in an unmedicated person, this type of decision making may happen more often than not, especially where snap judgements are required.

Your gf may never want to change, you can only do your piece, that's the piece you have control over. That may no be enough, and she has a duty to the relationship as well, and if she does not do that even after you have done all you can yourself to learn and understand and be flexible when you can, then you have reason for an ultimatime.

taking drugs is a very personal choice, i would steer away from demanding a particular solution to the issue, there are other avenues which might bridge the gap without resorting to drugs. Due to your gf past involvement with drugs she may not want to put any more drugs into her body, as with my own best friend.

anyway mangoes, this is a lot of info to absorb but maybe something to chew over....both of you have responsibility to make it work, if you really value your gf, get to know her, all of her.

Even if she DID decide to take meds, it does not by far eliminate all symptoms of ADD. There is no silver bullet. ADD is forever.

Hope you stick around and learn more about ADD and talk to some of the folks here who have ADD and get some of their perspective too.

Good luck!

crime scene

Hi

im glad 2 find somewhere 2 post about add
my gf has add - she had used drugs in the past & still has close friendships with the group from those times, gf is not using drugs any more (long rehab)
sometimes i think her friendships are more importan than her being with me!
i am finding the relationship v tough going - my gf is unmotivated and picks fights a lot of the time, i read here that is symptoms of add...
i think i have to give an ultimatum soon - get meds or we quit (or afraid no hope)
just i don't know whether even meds will solve all the problems
i feel left out...

anyone had similar problems or can give advice
don't want to lose gf but she seems stuck and 2 stubborn 2 change

mangoes

I myself have ADD and my boyfriend doesn't. I too used to pick fights and just be totally disagreeable. My boyfriend and I started therapy 2 months ago and I can now see how my behavior is destructive. I am also the one who suggested the therapy because I wanted to imporove myself. I do take medication to make my ADD more tolerable, but that was all my choice.

Seek out all the information that you can about relationships and ADD.

Medication is not a cure-all. There will still be issues that need to be dealt with. I agree with what crime scene said:"Even if she DID decide to take meds, it does not by far eliminate all symptoms of ADD. There is no silver bullet. ADD is forever.

You do need to tell her of your feelings and concerns. Try to do so in a positive way... Say something like "I care for you so much and really would like our relationship to go somewhere... Would it be possible for you to seek therapy or medication for your ADD?" something along those lines......

Just remember, it is her choice. All you can do is express yourself.

As my grandma always said:
"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

good luck :)