Hello all =)

I'm really thankful that I googled the words "boyfriend with ADHD" because I came across this forum, which has provided a lot of support for me personally. I'm apologizing in advance for such a long post!

My boyfriend of two years told me 3 months ago that he has ADD. I have known for quite some time that he has been on medication, but I never quite knew what it was for, and he never seemed comfortable with discussing it. (He is on Dexedrine). Like all relationships we have gone through ups and downs. There were particular things that bothered me quite a bit: like his absentmindedness, his forgetfulness, or his lack of organization. We go to a top-rank university which is competitive like anything so having a social/personal life is hard. We have always made school a top priority and that's never been an issue. We are both 21 years old.

After reading many of the posts of others on this forum, I am beginning to understand that many of his behaviours can be attributed to his ADD. There has been times where he have lost contact with each other (no phone, email, MSN) for 4 weeks on end while living in the same city. He says he's too busy and he doesn't have any time. But he seems to have time to watch loads of movies and stay up til 2am. During the summer when he's at home with his parents (400km away) we don't talk on the phone, and we barely communicate via MSN or email, nor are there any visits. Just recently, he didn't bother wishing me on my birthday. On the other hand, we have shared many good memories. But, in retrospect, these times have always been instances when he has had no other stressors in his life.

There has been more than one occassion where I have broken down due to his somewhat insensitive behaviour and lack of responsiveness to my needs. He apologizes frantically, says he loves me, and says he will change for the better - but this never followed through. I always thought that these were minor problems in all relationships, but with my new-found discovery of the symptoms of ADD, it seems like these problems AREN'T going to go away; rather, it seems like they are persistent through out the lifespan.

In addition to concerns about my emotional well-being in the future, I also have my conservative parents to deal with. I know that my parents would not approve of my relationship with my boyfriend primarily because of the known heritability of ADD and known side effects of dextroamphetamines (impotence). I know my parents, like all other parents, would only be concerned for my emotional and psychological well beings, and want me to be happy.

If someone had asked me 4 months ago if I would want to marry this man, I would have surely had said yes - I would have thought that no matter what the problems were, we'd somehow work them out. But now that it seems that these issue may persist, I am not so sure.

Both of us have thought of marrying the other; this, however, is the first committed relationship we've both been in. I feel as if I would be being unfair to him and misleading him if I went on pretending as if there was nothing wrong, and that I DID see us having a future together... and so, I'm confused. Do I listen to my heart or my head?

I don't know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. =)

hello lavadner an a warm wellcome to you to the forums i hope you injoy yourtime here....there alot wounderfull peps here an iam shore there give you the davic you need
as to the marrying bit if your thinking werther you should or shoundert then dont....you ither know or dont in this case id stay as you are for now untll your both shore an remabers being married or not is not the being or the end ofve all ither as long your both happy toghter then you have what you both need good luck ither way....heart an head both ;.))) dorm

Lavender, you are very smart in realizing now what is and what never will be. You are thining with head. Marriage won't change anyone. This was a mistake I made, and 13 painful years later guess what? He's still the same guy I dated! At least you know what is on your plate now and can make some decisions based on the facts you know, rather than what you see through the rose-colored glasses. You are a smart girl.

Your head. Sounds like you've got a good one.
Two points:
You've heard of that book "He's just not that into you." Well, if he missed my BD and didn't contact me during the summer, etc. etc. etc., I'd say that was true.
Second: you're both 21. I read an article recently that said men with ADD hardly begin to mature until they're in their mid-twenties. So, you can't expect much I guess.
Date around, meet lots of people, think about what you really want in a mate, knowing that nobody is perfect, and take your time. Keep concentrating on that good education, develop your skills and interests and a big social network. best of luck to you!

Thank you for all your great advice!!

It's funny how sometimes we know what the practical thing to do is... but that still doesn't make it an easy decision...